Having been deceived and cheated on for most of the last four years I struggle daily with the issue of staying with my wife or not. Other than the obvious regrets of a marriage failing what have been the positives of getting a divorce?

Jeremy,<P>Although there aren't any positives in some divorces, there have been a lot in mine. <P>My H was physically abusive and is an alcoholic. I don't have to deal with any of that anymore. Financially, I am better off because he didn't work most of the time and spent as much as he could in bars. <P>I hope you find some peace,<BR>Mitzi

There are no positives. This has been both emotionally and financially devastating for myself, the children, and possibly even my H.

Jeremy, <BR>You have heard of "No Pain, NO Gain." Well I believe I have become a better person from all of this. I am learning how to communicate and to be aware of other people's feelings. These are areas I overlooked in my marriage. Also expressing my feelings more. All the traditional dumb stuff men do.<P>Also I know better what I want in a companion. In looking back on my marriage, there were a lot of things that separted my x and I. A new relationship will involve more things that WE BOTH enjoy. Things that will keep us together, not apart.<P>Also I now know how strong I am. A loss of a child or a parent/sibling can be the only thing worse in my opinion than a divorce. I did not crumble up and die from this. Then I can get through anything I believe.<P>BOB<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

I hope I don't get flamed or step on anyone's toes with my reply, because for me this whole divorce thing has become one <B>HUGE</B> positive. 1o months ago I was a totaly destroyed, desperate individual. I was living in the middle of a self-centered mental relapse from drugs. The only thing I hadn't done was pick-up and actualy start using. Then my W of 5 years runs off w/a 17 yr old....OUCH...as I saw it I had two options...sink...or...swim. <P>I set my sights on the other side of the myriad of pain and hopelessness and started srtokeing. 6 months later the fog of depression started to lift. I found out what I'm really made of. I took a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself, got off my [censored], started eating right, exercising, enjoying my hobbies, and relying on close friends to help rebuild myself esteem. I no longer resent the past, fear the future, and I enjoy each day.<P>As unbelievable as it may sound my life is a hundred times richer than it was a year ago. I have real friends, men in my life, that I can get gut level honest with about my feelings and fears with out being week or feeling like a wuss. My financial house is slowy getting in order. The future is brighter than ever. I actually love life today the dread is gone. Though I am not necessarily glad these thing happened to me I am eternaly grateful for the expierience.<P>BTW....W is still w/LRB and shows no sign if looking back...too bad for her, I am the man she always dreamed of. The next lady will be glad she left.<P>The toughest thing for me to figure out is that Mrs. Conklin's baby boy was put on this earth to be miserable. Ya know what? Misery is a choice and I chose it for too many years.<P>Bill<P>------------------<P><BR>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.<p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited July 23, 2000).]

I think I am still too close to this to see positives. But here is a try.<P>I have much less stress in my life. I don't have to worry that she is hitting on some guy or girl at work.<P>I don't have to worry that she has run up the credit cards again.<P>I don't have to worry that she will get fired for drug use at work again.<P>I guess those are all positives. But I still miss her. I guess it is like the guy who kept hitting himself in the head with a hammer. When asked why he did it, he replied, "It feels so good when I stop."

I can see a lot of positives from the divorce from my first wife.....fresh start....getting away from an abusive person....avoiding being cheated on by her....and a lot more.<P>If my second wife and I were to ever divorce, I see a lot of negatives....not seeing my kids every day....financial burdens....betraying someone who really loves me the best way she can and many more.<P>I think the positives are just a matter of the life you have made. Kids change the prespective completely.<P>But, I do believe that what happens in your life has it's purpose....and as a wise member of this board has told me..."What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."<P>Hang in There!

Jeremy,<P>You received some great replies from some people who have been thru a HUGE struggle to get there. <P>I am just now getting used to saying "divorced". In some marriages, there truly are many more negatives than positives. The divorce, just like your life, is only going to be as positive as YOU make it.<P>The negatives are , the children get split up for holidays , weekends, and relatives miss out on seeing them. A lot of us NEED the child support strictly for the children, not our own personal shopping spree and we can't seem to get what is legally owed for the children. On top of that, adjusting to a new life, is a LONG hard road and there is a lot of pain along the way.<P>Above that, when you finally ACCEPT what has come, and look at it in a new perspective there will be some positives.<P>My situation is similar to Mitzi's. I don't have to deal with emotional abuse anymore. Once I found out about the affair, I could have NEVER trusted him completely. SO I guess I am avoiding that pain and misery. <P>You learn a lot about relationships, love and marriage and many of us go on to be much better people.<P>To do this, you need an open mind, lots of supportive friends, and an ability to seperate the past relationship from yourself and look to the future. <P>Prayers to you, Dana<BR>

Hi Jeremy,<P>I agree 100% with RWD. I am a better, stronger, more compassionate person.<P>Now, would I trade all this personal growth, and go back to being clueless? Yes. I wish it had been in my power to spare my kids the trauma of divorce, that they could have remained in an intact home.<P>It takes time to both see and accept the positive aspects of a very negative situation - they are there.

Jeremy,<P>There are alot of negatives that can be turned into positives, both for your children and you.<P>I can see them already, especially if you study and practice MB philosophy.<P>You will become much more aware of your personal actions, you will become much more aware of your spouses and other potential mates actions and reactions. I can see this very clearly after studying MB and some other stuff for the last six months.<P>The question for you personally is,<P><B> How can you understand and eliminate your contribution to the demise, so that you won't be the problem next time, and then what did you learn about the spouse's actions and reactions which caused the demise from the other side, so if you see it happening again, you can avert/prevent the crises from happening again. </B><P>thl

Augustine once said, "To have peace you must know yourself and to know yourself you must be alone," or something like that. <P>Well, I got to know myself during my ordeal<BR>Was it worth it? Unfortunately, yes. Would I want to do that again? No way!!!<P>There are an awful lot of downsides to divorce but I would never, ever want to go back to the life I had before (and my situation - bad as it was - was nowhere near as bad as many people's).<P>So, money is nonexistent, I had to rebuild myself and my children emotionally, but I see myself as a far better woman. I always knew I was a child of God and was loved and valued by Him so I accepted myself but now I love myself. Because I can see the things He has done for me even more clearly than before.<P>Sort of like that song, "I can see clearly now, the rain has gone....."

".... And it's gonna be a Bright, Bright Sunshiney Day!" <P>I'm with RWD, Cinderella, Mitiz, and many others, there have been many positives in my D.<P>I have more money (strange, since my X makes more than 2x's what I do... now he's broke all the time), my health is better (less stress, weight loss), I get more exercize, I do what I enjoy w/o having to justify my actions, time, money etc..., I have friends again and I get out of the house & off my butt and DO things. I travel again (always love to travel). I don't have to worry about where my H is at 4 or 5 in the morning. I'm finally starting to sleep better .<P>I don't have kids, the emotional trama I went through was rough enough, I can't imagine doing it with kids.... whole other ball game there.<P>My D was final 5 months ago yesterday, and I'm happier and healthier than I have been in years, but I still don't want to ever go through anything like that again..... I know more about what I want next time, and about who I am. <P>Thoughts & Prayers,<BR>Butterfly<P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

I have read several of the boards with questions and responses concerning divorce. I am divorced and have been for 11 years. My question and reponse is not for me. Now that I have remarried and have 3 beautiful grandchildren I now see my 30 year old daughter going thru the same thaing I went through 11 years. She lives with a severly emotionally disturbed man who can not hold down a job for more than 2 months and refuses to get help. I do not want to get involved but I see my grandchildren go thru this and it is so very heartbreaking. She is trying everything she can to save her marriage. There is only empty promises and then nothing.