In your response to WM, under pangs of lonliness, you mentioned your husband had unresolved issues concerning first wife and that seriously hurt your marriage. Can you elaborate a little more?<BR>I ask because my ex is engaged ot OW he left me for, and although we have been divorced for 3 yrs, he has never had any counseling and states he just wants to put the past behind him and move on. I'm just curious if this is what your husband did also?

Wow that was strange seeing something for me. <BR>I'll try to answer this without making it too long.<BR>I met my H at work. He was living with someone at the time I met him but that ended and he asked me out almost the first day he was single again. <BR>He had been married for about 10yrs then he had an affair and moved in with the OW. (this was the one he was with when I first met him) I'm not sure if he asked for a divorce or if his wife had when they first seperated. I know there was a lot of guilt about his affair and to compound this his 1st wife had a very dibilitating form of arthritis. They were divorced but he continued to be in contact with her (the xwife). They remained close and I think that they did try to reconcile. All while he was with OW. <BR>Five years later he was still stringing them both along but the OW was pushing for commitment and he wouldn't marry her because of the guilt. That is why they broke up. That's when he and I started dating. <BR>He wanted me to meet his xW so that we could all be friends. I felt a little strange about it but I thought that if he could stay friends with his xW then he must be a real special person. <BR>I think that the xW was truly fine with being his friend and not wanting anything more. However he harbored the hope or belief that they would someday be back together. <BR>He has a very difficult time with giving things up. <BR>I never really saw these unresolved issues before we married. In fact I'm surprised that he would marry me with the feelings he still had for xW. But marry me he did, and almost from the start it was evident that it was more than a friendship with him and the xW. I believe that the guilt kept him from being with her but it also kept him from getting over her. <BR>He became secretive and defensive when the subject came up. I began to realize that she was still part of his life and that he wasn't giving our marriage a chance because he was still trying to be with her. But by then she had moved on. <BR>We separated about 6 months after we married but got back together at his insistance. Then after 5 more years of his not taking part in our marriage I gave up and moved out. He had also started an EA with a co-worker. <P>Now he sees what he's done and that what he's given up in me. I am now the one he wants and the guilt he feels about me is the issue. Now that we are divorcing, he is holding on to our relationship like it was the best one he had ever had. I am now his unresolved issue. I am sorry for this because I feel that the next woman he is with will be in the same position I was. <P>I knew I couldn't do this briefly. But I will say that if your xH hasn't dealt with what happened in your relationship, it is very possible he will have unresolved issues to deal with later on. <BR>Maybe he'll be like my stbxH and never marry the OW. <P>Would you want your xH back?<P>

Thank you for the quick response. At this point, I think I would take ex back, but there would have to be counseling bigtime for all these issues to be dealt with. <BR>When ex got engaged, he never told anyone. I found out purely by accident. My daughter's counselor said something about him mentioning getting married possibly this yr, so I sent him an email and asked if it was true. His exact words back to me were: Yes, we have talked of marriage [we are engaged] but no date has been set. I was very surprized that he had not told his children especially our 17 yo daughter, because he had promised her he would tell her .<BR>We were married 29 yrs when the divorce went through 3 yrs ago. Although I want to believe in happy endings , I think the longer he is with OW, the less chance there is of him returning to his family.<P>Again, thank you for answereing my question.