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Joined: Nov 1999
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Long time for me.....I have been reading and just lurking around Marriage Builders and thought I would let you guys know that ex is still at it full force.<P>A lot has happened.....way too much to go into right now....but I had to go to the court house and file for a protective order. They signed for an emergency order and he should have been served tonight or at least by tomorrow afternoon.<P>But of course I feel much worse. For 3 reasons.......<P>1. I have to go to court with him on September 7th...pleading my case for the order to stay in effect.<P>2. Scared to death that when he gets served, all hell will break loose. <P>3. That he will use this court time to bring up other stuff.....not pertaining to the protective order and I could possibly lose the girls.<P>So needless to say......I am scared and I know I did the right thing, but..........Will I be made to pay?<P>Nancy

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Mental...<P>As I have been through this process.<P>1. In court here, the person whom the order is against has to request a hearing to plead their case so to speak. Give reasons the order should not remain in effect. You have already convinced a judge you have a valid reason for needing protection.<P>2. If all heck breaks loose, you obviously need the protection order. Use it if he violates anything it covers. That's what it is for!<P>3. Protection order court is not the arena for parental custody battles. It is for your protection! Don't let the real reason you need to feel safe, scare you from doing what is right. <P>And I agree with you it's scarey to do the right thing, I was shaking in my boots but am so very glad I did it. Also I represented myself and the guy (best friend of my x's) had an attorney. It remained in place for a year!<P>I know you can do it!<P>Ragamuffin<p>[This message has been edited by Ragamuffin (edited August 22, 2000).]

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Thanks Ragamuffin,<P>I know that all the tape recordings I have of him telling me and the girls he has driven past the house or was sitting at the end of our street will not look good for him.<P>He just intimidates me.........still<P>Nancy

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Nancy...<P>I'm praying for you... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>You know you're doing this for the kids...<BR>...you <B>are not wrong</B>.<P>Stand by your decision...<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

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Jim,<P>I will stand by my decision.....but on shakey legs......<P>Thank you<P>Nancy

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{{{NANCY}}<P>I'm sorry to hear your still having troubles. I just assumed things may had leveled off for you. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>What Ragamuffin said is EXACTLY right.<P>I had to go thru this process once too, it was 7 years ago, however, when you go to court, you can request a guard to escort you in and out. If he pulls something there, it only validates your point that this protection is necessary.<P>There is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY, the court will take your kids from you at this hearing. All it is , will be to determine, yes or no the order stays in effect (mine remained for one year), and thats it. <P>Any other issues, ex would have to file his own paperwork for another court date, probably family court .<P>What kind of custody do you have right now??<P>You really have to be a downright horrible awful parent to lose your kids where I live. Trust me, I know this because I am a daycare provider and have to, by law, report some things that would make you sick to your stomach, and guess what, the kids remain with the parent.<P>You are a good person and went thru a bad time earlier this year. You don't deserve what he has done.<P>Try your hardest to keep your strength and no matter how much he intimidates you (mine does STILL at times), TRY not to let him see he is getting to you. Take all your energy to be fearless in front of him. After he is gone, if you have to go to your room, lock the door and ball your eyes out go ahead. But if he doesn't get that rise out of you, it can help discourage his intimidations.<P>You are one of the few here that I feel had such an awful experience, perhaps WORSE than what I went thru last January, but I also went thru what your going thru now, 7 years ago. Time and persistence will eventually be on your side thru this all.<P>I was dumb enough to go back, because I couldn't take it anymore. (7 yrs ago, not now).<P>I am older, smarter and stronger now and you will gain strength from this too. Lean on us when you need to and we'll help you get thru this.<P>This order of protection was granted to you because it was necessary. They don't just give them out because you ask. Now should he be dumb enough to break it, its more evidence for you . Be careful in the meantime and stay safe.<P>Hugs and A BIG PRAYER,<BR>Dana (formerly lonelymom if u missed that post)<BR><p>[This message has been edited by DanaB (edited August 23, 2000).]

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Nancy,<P>I think Dana is right about the intimidation thing. Be strong and don't let him know he gets to you!<P>As you may remember my ex pulled all sorts of crazy stuff such as breaking into my house, taking off with the kids without my knowledge, having ME arrested for harassment, etc, etc...<P>Now, that I have been able to not let him know he intimidates me, things have sure changed. He has even told me that he didn't know I could be this kind of person. In other words, he was not able to intimidate me as he always had so he could make me look like the bad one. Does that make sense?<P>They try and get us upset so that they can point a finger at us and say "look, I told you she was nuts." How sad that they must stoop to this level. <P>Anyway, like Dana said, if he can't get a rise out of you eventually it will discourage him. <P>If I remember correctly you now have custody of your girls. He can't just go and change that easily. My ex tries to threaten that once in a while and I just laugh and so okay do what you must. Of course, nothing has ever come out of it. <P>Just take one day at a time, do what you must to protect yourself and your children, and put on a strong face for your ex. Take care.<P>Tulip

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Hi Nancy and Tulip,<P>Anyone who has been with a controlling, intimidating spouse, can relate to this issue. <P>As soon as I started standing up for myself he started backing off little by little. There are actually times that I can intimidate him now. Unfortunately , its a life long process that is hard to un-do, and it takes over in other areas of your life.<P>Eventually, you are going to be confident with who you are, the woman you are and the reasons you are worthy of all you deserve. Then you can stand strong and tell him, and others, LOOK, I refuse to tolerate this kind of bullsh!t and walk away.<P>It works. If he tells you about the girls, just ignore him. Or just say, OK I'll notify my lawyer that yours will be in touch. Or just shrug him off like you don't believe he is worthy of your time (he's not). He knows the only way to get to you right now is thru your kids.<P>As with other controlling exH's, they do thrive off watching us squirm and get nervous. Thats what provokes the next attack too.<P>I wish I remembered for certain, but I too, am pretty certain, you wound up getting custody of the kids back. I was going thru something similar back than and that point in life is still a blur.<P>Didn't you have a neighbor bothering you too at one point??<P>Hugs and prayers,Dana<P>PS IT WILL GET BETTER

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Nancy,<BR>I have been exactly where you are, and felt the same way, a little over two months ago. Let me tell you it was the best decision I could have made and I am deeply glad I went through with it.<P>When I was 14 weeks pregnant my abusive, control-freak husband decided he could get physically abusive and did -- I didn't call the police but I left the house for a week, came back and filed for the injunction for protection at the courthouse. I had to write an affidavit of what happened. I wasn't made to provide any evidence; even though I had some. My court date was set a week later. My husband was served, by the Sheriff's Dept at his workplace; I felt at the time so guilty and afraid, but that didn't last long. He had absolutely no remorse for what he did -- he was just upset that he was confronted with it. But the deputies scared him enough as they served him for him not to want to violate the temporary injunction.<P>If you haven't done so, please call your local domestic violence hotline or women's shelter. They may be able to refer you to legal services, which in my case provided me with a free attorney representing me during the court hearing. It wasn't about how much money I made either, they do this in my area for all domestic violence injunction cases. I didn't really need to prove anything, but having the attorney was great support, especially as my husband brought his family to support him and he also fought the injunction, saying that I harmed him (the clerks were laughing at him as he testified!)<P>If you can, also bring a good, supportive friend or family member with you to court. Be clear and calm when the judge asks you questions, don't interrupt even if your husband is lying his *ss off about you, and present yourself as the survivor and rational person who has been victimized that you are. <P>It was scary to go to court. But I was granted protection for a year also, and I could/can modify the order as needed. It was the best thing I did. The only other advice I would give you is to document everything he does. Whether he threatens you, contacts you in any way, drives past your house, etc. And be prepared -- you're in for a rollercoaster ride. My husband has threatened, begged, cried, gone fanatically-religious, threatened again and you-name-it since the injunction was granted. Stay strong and resolute and he will show you exactly what you are needed to get out of your life for good, and the fear and guilt will no longer be a part of your life eventually. I know without a shadow of a doubt I have done the best thing for my unborn daughter and myself. ((((Hugs))) and best wishes to you!<P>Jessi<BR> <P>------------------<BR>Caractere en consequence de foutaise!

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nancy, that sucks.<BR>my court case was dismissed, and nothing is on my record, but H keeps threatening to invoke it anyway. bloody snake. anything to keep me controlled, i guess.<BR>my prayers are with you,<BR>julie

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Thank you all for replying.....<P>The lawyers office called me today concerning the Protective Order and a few other things.<P>According to their office......only the protective order can be discussed.<P>I know he will file something immediately on me.........he is that way. Too bad the courts can't see it. Just another form of harassment.<P>He was threatening to come get the girls tonight even though I still have exclusive rights until Friday at 6:00. But he never showed. So he must have gotten served today.<P>So tonight, and for many more nights to come.....I will be sleeping with one eye open.<P>Nancy

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Nancy,<P>God bless you and watch over you.<P>Had to file criminal trespass warrant on my stbx today.......thank god we only had 4 legged furry children.<P>I will be thinking of you.<P>Ben

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Ben,<P>I'll be thinking of you also. Either with or without children.....it is still hard to do that to someone you once cherished.<P>Hope you are doing well.<P>Nancy


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