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Joined: Nov 1998
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My wife and I just had a new baby 6 months ago. She decided that I didn't respect her and left the house with the child about two months ago. She also said that I was too controling. In reality she is controling everything now. She even went and filed for legal separation, so that the courts could mandate some orders on me, including how and what I should feed our son. Our son has a growth problem, and he needs to put on weight. He is 12.35 at 5 1/2 months of age. He should of doubled his weight to 14.2 at 4 months. My wife is scared of becoming a unfit mother, and even canceled a session with a psychologist ro be examined. This was arranged by the marriage counseler. She even quit marriage counseling, and as far as a pediatrician, she went to three doctors until she got what she wanted, that being a doctor who would not recommend supplmentation with formula. I fear that Post Partum Depression started this and now it is so far out of control, that it is hurting everyone. I have worked for two months on reconsicilation of the marriage, but my wifes parents are working against me. I feel that they are telling her that I am evil. I do know that they have told her that she is fine, and that it is just me. She is now to the point where she is avoiding doctors who she trusted through the whole pregnancy, most likely because they will tell her to seek help. She attempted to get the courts to demand that I not supplement the child with formula. Her actions are so unlike her. We have been together for 13 years, and married for seven years. There has been a four year process of infertility and lots of grief over three miscarrages. My friends are very supportive of me, and have seen the court papers on how she wants to attack me. It was so bad last week, that I asked my lawyer to amend my agreement for separation to a divorse, but he hasn't yet. I know from talking to him, that my wifes lawyer is concerned about his client, whether it is her mental stability, or just her attacking me all the time I don't know. <br>I came home last Monday from a meeting and my wife didn't expect me, and I pulled in the driveway and her and her father had broken in and were removing items from the house. I called the police. I had no trespassing case on my father-in-law or anything against her, but she has been out of the house for two months and I changed the locks. They had tore out a flashing light, that was part of my home security, that shows that someone had entered the house. They thought I was busy teaching all day, and that I wouldn't be around. I couldn't believe that they had done this. There actions are so vindictive and wrong. I am scared to death that my young son is in their care. I would love to here from anyone concerning this. It is kind of weird, but I met a person on line, who is going through something almost identical to this. I was wondering if there is any psychosis or something that is related to a mother that is obsessed with being a perfect mother, at all cost, even the health of the child. If you know of anything, please write me back.<p>Ed

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Ed,<p>Sounds like your in a very tough situation. I'm not sure how strong your marriage has been over the past seven years? or if theres been alot of unresolved issues in your marriage. Your wife behavior is definitely not typical for a women after having a baby. I would examine things more closely. If theres been problelms in your marriage, it may have all become very magnified and overwhelming to your wife at this point. Has there been some trust lost between the two of you over the years? A new mother can become overly protective of her baby, thats o.k and normal.This may be more of a marriage issue than a baby issue. Something may have just (snaped) with your wife. And she isnt making any attemp to communicate or get to the heart of the real issues. I would strongly sugest at this point try to get your wife to talk to you, and communicate about this. You may have tryed this already. If you feel that you have made a 100% effort on trying to reconcile your marriage and try to understand your wife, than you can do no more.The ball is in her court now. Her irrational behavior is not making things clear for you.Since you said that this behavior is totally unlike her, I would give her all the space that she is demanding. You do have rights to see your son! I would give this some time. There is hope for your marriage. Give this whole entire situation over to your Heavenly Father...Trust Him ! <p>[This message has been edited by violet1 (edited 11-28-98).]

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Ed,<p>After thinking more about your situation I just want to add that there is more going on with your wife than (Post Partum Depression)Post partum is a passing thing. Once that passes, her emotions will settle down alot, and than maybe that would be a good time to talk. I'll let you be the judge on that.Since you are concerned for the safty of your son, at some point you will have to determine if your wife is an unfit mother. You will need to seek professional advice regarding that. You do have a right to your son. If your wife wont allow you to see him than take her to court, and let her know that you do have rights. I hope that this will all work out in time.<p>[This message has been edited by violet1 (edited 11-28-98).]

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Violet1, I have to differ with you on this post. While for most women, post partum depression is a "passing thing" it is not the case for every woman - it can be a devastating, life changing depression and can come out in any of the ways that other depressions can - in inappropriate and unprovoked anger, in withdrawal from people and things one loves, in confusion and low self-esteem, etc. PPD is different for everyone, it is depression - it's causes and beginnings are simply a result of hormonal imbalances at the end of pregnancy...<p>terri

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Violet1,<p>Thanks for all the advice. I just wanted to comment on a few items. I have been working for over two months to try to develop a communication pattern with my wife and reconcile our marriage. Every step I make she backs up a step. It has been really hard. Because she decided just one day that she didn't trust me. I have seen parinoia (sp), dishonesty, no-trust, vindictive / mean, illogical behavior from her. These are all behaviors that I have never seen in her. She even went out of her way to tell our marriage cousler that this is the person she has always wanted to be. If this is what she wants to be, it scares me to death. I have done a lot of reading on Post Partum Depression, and I have a female friend who suffered from it for four years and lost everything they had, including a relationship with her husband, before it was realized that she was suffering from PPD. I can't go through 4 years of this. You also asked if there was anything else that could be causing this. I will be straight with you on this, I have beatened my head against the wall trying to figure out if there is any other reasons. I can look back and say that I think my wife was suffering from depression through the whole four years of infertility. There has been alot of grief this last year and half. Her 15 year old dog died of cancer, two miscarriges, her father was diganosed with prostate cancer, her grandmother died three months before the birth of the child, niece was killed by sister-in-law (neglect and physical abuse - not direct realtive), the other children were fostered by her parents, there was complications in the birth of the child (transverse lie), a couple of scares throughout the whole pregnacy. The list goes on and on. As far as how many of these things were caused by me- none that I am aware of. As I said earlier, I think there has been a long stand of depression, that I overlooked as her being quiet and reserved. I can look back and say there has been a communication problem, citing the same things. So why no communication now on her part? I have always been here for her, but she didn't always turn to me. She also tended to share items and feelings with her friends that she didn't share with me. Needless to say there is a great concern about her mental state now. I asked her to seek help tonight for the sake of our child, and she slammed the door on me, at her parents house. She is in such denial. I am afraid that the courts will have to force her to get help before decideing custody. Something I found interesting about my wifes possible PPD is that in a small percentage of women who suffer from PPD, they have an obessesion with there children, wanting and keeping them close, but in most cases it is the opposite. This is what through me off the PPD track for a while, because she has been so obessesed with the child. I also read an article on women who suffer from endometrosis, that some 80% of them suffer from PPD and that women who have fertility problem have a higher risk of PPD. I don't know what the answer is. I just know that 5 months ago before the child was born my wife loved me very much. I found several letters. Many of the letters talk about the excitement that Landons (my son) dad and mom will have when he is born. Nothing pointed to these problems. I wish someone could tell me how I can force my wife to seek help from a psychologist? Does anyone know of any court manidate, or anything? <p>Desperately looking for answers.<p>Ed

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Ed, it sounds as if you are going to have to challenge her competency as a mother. If your child is malnourished and it is solely because your wife is denying him the necessary supplementation with formula that doctors have recommended, than it could conceivably be looked upon as child abuse or neglect. It sounds as though your main concern needs to be your child - it is entirely possible that by pursuing the welfare of your son, your wife will be forced into some kind of treatment.<p>Please concentrate on your son - he is the most helpless one here.<p>terri

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Well I guess PPD can have more of a grip on a person than I was aware of. Ed I know my letter of advice to you was very straight forward. I just wanted point out areas where this problem could be steming from. Since this is Totally out of your wife's nature,I can sure understand your concern.<p>[This message has been edited by violet1 (edited 11-28-98).]

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My wife went a step farther tonight she denied visitation, because new times had been arranged mutually between the lawyers and was not in writing, so she now said that she is going back to the old orders. She did this on purpose because I took a second job in order to make the finiancial commitment that she stuck me too. I am finish my fileing for divorse tommorrow, and seeking custody under neglect and abuse. She will most likely loose her teaching job also if I file neglect and abuse charges on her, but she could care less about that right now and only wants to hurt me. I know it sounds like I want to hurt her, but in actuallity I have sat back and took constant abuse from her. My lawyer has told me to stay away from her and not even talk to her, but her illness is hurting our child, so I must react, and react soon.


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