I've been single for three whole hours now.......what a weird experience. You walk into the courtroom, go before the judge, tell her that your marriage is irretrievably broken, (yes, that's my spouse's signature) the parenting plan is in the best interest of the children, I'm not pregnant (What the heck does that have to do with anything other than child support?), we were married in May of 1983, children born xxxx & xxxx, judge signs the papers while atty is presenting the questions..... I'm trying to hold back tears the whole time and, then, <B>BOOM</B> it's done.<P>Cried all the way home in the car, on and off. What the heck are the other drivers thinking when they see some crazy woman in tears driving down the road at 60 (yeah..., right...) mph? <P>I just kept thinking that I have to have all this crying sh** out of the way before I get home to face the boys. <P><B>THEN</B> X calls.........to see if his paycheck got mailed here. <B>AND</B> to ask me if I want to split the cost of the B-day present he just bought for our younger son. Hello!!!!!!!! Nothing else to say? I just let it drop, but told him, no, I will buy a present for him and you can buy a present for him......'but, I can't afford it on my own'......then I guess he'll have to take it back and buy something he <B>can</B> afford. Yes, we are still our son's Mom & Dad, but we are no longer together and right now I do not feel like acting as if we are. <P>Of course I'm being selfish.....blah, blah, blah......maybe I should be selfish more often.<P>Okay, venting. <P>So, there's my day. And, what a jerk!! I don't feel so sad now all of a sudden.....<BR>

Dear RC,<P>I've been thinking about you today -- I read some of your earlier posts. I'm so sorry that this has happened. Stay strong and know that we are praying for you. Have a glass of wine and spend a little time with your friends. Look for support where ever you can find it. I am sorry, hon, I know this has been a very hard day for you. Take a couple of Tylenol PMs and try to get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow is a new day -- face it with all the courage you have. <P>I'm trying to be encouraging and I'm not downplaying what you've just experienced. I hope that all will be well with you, my dear.<P>Love and prayers,<BR>KristyAnn

KristyAnn - Thank you so much. <P>I really don't think I'll have much problem getting to sleep....pretty draining day. The problem will be staying asleep.....I wake up pretty dang early, even on vacation. <P>I'm not feeling so badly right now....after jerkface called and was a, well, a jerkface. Now I'm more than anything else. 27 years together down the toilet and he calls to ask me about his paycheck (that I won't see any of until mid-month). Yuck! And then he has the nerve to tell me that I'm being a b**ch because I won't split the cost of a birthday present with him!<P>I am going to be okay! <P>

Been divorced for two whole months....but feels like it has been forever. Just the icing on the stale cake (the divorce).......he had been gone for over a year.......felt divorced anyway.<P>I never went before a judge.......so I can only imagine what it must have been like. We settled everything outside the court room. I remember having dreams/nightmares about having to stand before a judge and say our marriage was blah blah broken. I was afraid I would break down crying or say that I couldn't lie in court.<P>But the one thing I did not feel while sitting there was sadness. But boy did it ever hit me when I opened my van door. I had never cried that hard in my life. But in my case.......most of the tears where tears of relief. Sadness that I had to go through all of this.....feel all that pain, hurt, anger....etc........the custody battle......all the lies he said......all the mean and vindictive things he said to me and the girls. I thought it was finally over.<P>Of course in my case....just a new beginning......of more hell, pain and anger. He will never stop until I don't share the same air as him.<P>Some nights I am in fear for my life. I lay awake in bed........knowing he could be standing outside my door just waiting for that perfect time. The girls are so frightened some nights....that they end up in bed with me. A sad existance for the three of us, but a way of life that we have learned to live with.<P>Sorry to hear about the divorce........it is something I would never wish upon my worse enemy........except Mr. Peckerhead. (sorry)<P>Just remember.....what goes around comes around.<P>Nancy

Dear RC,<P>You are a strong person, I can tell. Yes, you will be alright. I can "hear" it in your post!! <P>You take care, dear one. Many wonderful things lie ahead for you!<P>Love and prayers,<BR>KristyAnn

I don't really have any words of wisdom for you right now because I am so stressed out I can't think straight, but I will say a prayer for you and your daughters. Hang in there. Hopefully, good things will be heading all of our ways soon!.<P>Jen

Mental - are you speaking of my X or yours, or both? If the shoe fits......Actually, my X has the dubious moniker of jerkface (among others) as bestowed upon him by my fellow workers. They've been through it all with me....the anguish of his leaving yet again, and again, and my joy at his return(s). Well, no more returns - he is now stale-dated, unrefundable and to be tossed into the shredder (I wish). <P>I'm so sorry about your situation, keep those girls of yours as safe and happy as possible, okay?

Mental and RCoaster: <P>Sorry, I messed up. I am definitely not thinking straight tonight. I read through all the posts here and thought RCoaster was talking about the safety of herself and her girls. It was actually Mental. However, I will pray for everyone's children, as they have to go through so much and for what!<P><BR>

Hey RC,<P>I don't feel sorry for you. Let me explain. You have survived the absolute worst that anyone could survive.<P>I will also experience this thing called divorce any day now. Hey, see ya bye!<P>You, I and many others here have made it past this point. <P>The reason I don't feel sorry for you is because you have become strong as many of our friends have.<P>This is not the end for you or me. Just a beginning. Please don't take this the wrong way.<P>Wishing us all the Best,<P>Tim

Tim<P>I didn't take it the wrong way.....and I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me. Yeah, I'm sad. X & I had a long time together and it's hard to imagine that it is all gone - only in my memories now. <P>I'm just upset with you because you didn't sign off as Zippy...... Many of your posts have made me laugh (and think - you're really quite the cerebral guy - aintcha? - don't worry, I won't tell)<P>Endings are always rough, but I always <B>try</B> to learn from my mistakes. Sometimes it just takes me longer than others. You're correct though, it is a new beginning. There is some relief in knowing that it is finally over (as over as it gets when you have children together).

It's never over when there are children involved! But, aren't we glad we have them!! What a joy they are. I'm so glad they take after me!<P>Good night!

Check in with y'all in the a.m. - probably be here at about 5 am PST......I just can't get into the whole sleeping in, I'm on vacation thing. Probably just as well, it will make it that much easier to get up in the morning when it's time to get back to work.<P>Mitzi,<P>The creamsicle drink was actually pretty good (Stoli Vanilla & OJ). Not habit forming,.....just as well.

RCoaster,<P>Oh I understand your day fully! My thoughts are with you and I hope you wake tomorrow able to shine through the next few weeks. <BR>Lori <BR>

{{{{{RCoaster}}}}},<P>Just to let you know...<P><B>You are still loved</B> <P>I will continue my prayers for you...<BR>...give time for your strength to come back!<P>It will!<P> <P>Jim

Jim & Lori,<P>Thanks for your thoughts & prayers. It's a new day and I'm actually feeling okay. I know that I will still have my ups & downs for awhile.<P>A bunch of friends are coming over tonight after work. Not really to 'celebrate' but just to be together (I hope I don't cry too often). You know, I always thought that 'our' friends were really X's, but have found out that they are <B>my</B> best support. I am not alone. That's a good feeling.<P>Jim ~<P>How goes it with you? Is your health okay? I see you are still the unofficial welcoming committee - you have given so many of us your support and I thank you. <P>

Friends are great!! Let them come over and help you tonight!<BR>Even though mine was 8 months ago, I can still feel the sense of finality over it all. It was a difficult day, but the days just keep getting better and better! I am so glad that pain is behind me now and I can go on. <BR>Life is different that what I had thought or hoped a few years ago, but it is a good life, with my family and friends all there for me. <BR>As the old song goes "I will survive", and so will you, dear!<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Wow - My thread is now two pages long!?! <P>You see......that's one of my problems, I never believe that anyone will care enough to be interested. Part of being told enough times by former spouse that I'm not really that interesting of a person (I know it's not true, but that's part of what happens with brainwashing you know). <P>I'm already feeling stronger. Boy, I'm glad I'm on vacation though. Not the greatest way to spend your vacation, but it's easier than having to go in to work everyday and try to not cry when I need to.

RCoaster...you and I are in the same boat right now. My D was final last Friday...one whole week single now. It does feel weird. I found out this morning from my kids that X is taking kids and the ho to hang out with his aunt this weekend. She was a really good friend of mine. The betrayal just keeps on spreading. I am no longer a part of that family I once loved so much. It really hurts like he!!. But I'll make it and so will you. I just wonder if it ever stops hurting. You'd think after more than a year I would be dealing better with this. Yikes!<P>Thinking of you right now...I know it feels like you got hit by a Mack truck. At least I didn't have to do the court thing. Hang in there!!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{RC}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I wish I saw your post earlier than this, but I haven't been on in a few days, this week is just something else.<P>I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling, but mine should be soon enough, it should have been here, I've been waiting 9 weeks now, what is taking so long>??<P>I'm not sure how I feel anymore,I thought I was ready, now I don't know. I mean, I am ready for divorce, but I am not ready emotionally right now to deal with it, this past month has been way too much. <P>I'm sure I'll be one of the next in line to post that I'm divorced. <P>Hugs, and prayers, Dana<BR>

Hi Dana,<P>I don't know if the waiting is harder, or the actual event. I'm still crying at odd times, over the memories - I guess - not the actual divorce. It just all of a sudden hits me that I'm no longer married to the man I thought (and tried so hard with) I would be with for my entire life. <P>It was a really short period of time between finding out, once again, about X & Bimby and bailing him out and the divorce. We were still living together about three weeks ago...now we're divorced. <B>BOOM</B> The door is slammed. I'm still dealing with that right now. I guess there is a reason for the 'waiting period' that most States have. Not that you'll get back together during that time, but to help you deal with the actual fact that you're no longer going to be married to this person.(?)<P>I could have waited another month, until my younger son turns 12 so that I could have gotten a larger child support order, but I was afraid that if I continued waiting that I would just go back, again, to the way things have been for the past 4 years. And I'm just so tired of living my life that way. So, maybe a tactical error on my part, but I don't think I could have handled that emotionally. Once again, also, thinking about X's finances - why should I feel sorry for him? But, I guess I just really wanted to get it over with. I'll have it adjusted in two years, or if he gets a promotion, or a raise.<P>Whew.....thanks for the hugs.