I am in my 17 month recovery after my husbands 1 week affair. We were only married 8 months which is hard. I really question if I can ever love him again like I did, if I need that spark to be truely happy, if it will come back, etc...Have you left your spouse because of his/her affair? What made you finally decide. Sometimes I feel like I am just waiting for one more mistake before I throw in the towel.<BR>Any suggestions?<BR>

My STBXH left me because of his affair with his OW. He decided that counseling could not help us and did not want to try to reconcile. He is marrying his OW nanoseconds after we are divorced. I am trying to take care of myself and my 11 yr old daughter. Realize that I was codependent on him and I am working on just controlling myself - cannot control him. The last 7+ months have been very hard - felt like I had the rug pulled out from under me but know that in the long run I have been given a second chance at having an emotionally rewarding and healthy relationship. My ex did so much lying and was so emotionally annihilating to me that even if we had tried to get back together it would not have worked. He really does not want to change, would have forever felt guilty about what he did and it is easier for him to erase me and start over with someone that he thinks that he is in love with. Try and love yourself and think what is best for you. Don't worry about him. If you do decide to get back together be prepared for some rough and difficult times. If you decide to divorce, be prepared for some rough and difficult times. Either way it is a hard process but there can be positive rewards in whatever direction you decide to take.

Janiee,<P>I will be divorcing my husband after this last affair. - We have been married/together 18 years. My husband has flirted with infidelity throughout the marriage - but finally had a PA just more then a year ago which I learned about a week before Christmas. We have been through about 9 months of counseling - it has taught me - my husband has a serious problem, he will probably never change, and will do it again, because he doesn't understand what he did wrong - or doesn't think he did anything wrong.<P>I need more in my life then that. <P>I know if this had happened earlier in my marriage - I probably would have tried to make it work - but for me the trust is gone and the energy to pull it back together is not there this time.<P>Sorry - not more positive help - just where I'm at right now....Good luck....

Hi, Janiee,<P>I've posted on your other threads on the other boards. I'm sorry, but I forget if you mentioned where your H is at emotionally right now. Is he remorseful? Is he trying to rectify his mistake? It all depends on him, I think, as to where you go from here.<P>I just think my H is a pathological liar and will never, ever change. Who am I to ask him to change if that's how he wishes to lead his life!? <P>I can only change myself and I choose to change my marital status. My H has proven time and again that he doesn't choose to change.<P>I feel badly for him, he has so much emotioanl baggage from his childhood. I do believe that is where our problems lie. I'm not strong enough to support him.<P>You don't need to decide right now what you want to do. Meditate and clear your mind and, when the time is right for you, you'll know what to do.<P>Good luck!<P>Karen<P>------------------<BR>~~ I will not play at tug o'war, I'd rather play at hug o'war, Where everyone hugs instead of tugs, Where everyone giggles and rolls on the rug, Where everyone kisses and everyone grins and everyone cuddles and everyone wins! ~~

Thanks Karen, that helps. My H had done all and more to make us work again. He is remorseful. I think, no I know I am the one that is stuck, stuck on my poor feelings being hurt. I am a very emotional, sensitive and unforgiving individual. I am stuck because of myself.

Janiee, you remind me alittle bit of part of how i feel. My pride wouldn't let me believe H wouldn't lie to me again since he lie twice with same OW. After 17 years of marriage he'd never cheated before and was always against other people who did. I found it hard to understand why he did it, I still do. He said it was because he was lonely and filling a void he had because I wasn't there. I asked him to leave when he wouldn't get help for his drinking and depression or go to marriage counseling with me. If there is no other issues I suggest you try to work at your marriage if you both still love each other. In my case we both still love each other very much but we can't move forward, he with his issues (drinking and depression) and me with betrayal. If drinking issues alone would of changed I know i would of felt like i could believe him, but he always lied about stopping and it never lasted. Keep trying and i'll pray for you.<BR>

After I proved my W's 3rd affair, I asked my sister who had D'd 10 yrs prior how did you know to go. Her reply was if you have any doubts, stay and fight for it. If the time comes to call it quits, you will wake up and know it. There's some truth there, but maybe not that cut and dry. I know it hit me one night that I couldn't pull the rope alone anymore and asked, yes asked, permission to give up. I was allowed and now she is gone. If you truely love your spouse as I do her, your love will stay. The important part is the role he plays now. If he is sincere about recovery and puts in his every effort, you can survive and be happy, making new and different sparks. But, if he is like my W and just doesn't have it in him to try, it won't be your love that fades but your willpower to continue. I tend to, just like a man, equate everything with cars, so here goes. If you're constantly saving for the Porsche, but the price keeps rising fasting than your savings, how long before you give up and visit the Ford dealer? Corny, I know, but think about it. I gave up cause she couldn't even think to give me a hug or kiss after my work each day. Just the #1 and #2 things on my list of EN. She never made the effort to remind herself either, only reminded me to get off her back about it. Just see if he wants it too. It's no fun peddling a two person bike uphill with the other person on break.<BR>LHC2