a couple of weeks ago, i introduced myself to someone who appeared to appreciate life the same way I do, and it didn't take long to feel the difference. What a difference! The intellectual connection was easy, so easy its scary! And I have introduced myself to many women at work, and its just different. She likes sports <RWD, they do exist! > she even plays sports, <I get to spectate and cheer! ><P>And I really wasn't looking for anyone, she just sort of appeared but its just so different, it makes me just go WOW! This friend can make me laugh like I haven't in years, and i can understand what she says without having to use an interplanetary descrambler <the stores were backordered for my last marriage> <P>But the funniest thing happened within me, actually last night when we were talking, I realized the difference between working on a relationship and taking it for granted. I realized what Harley means with the time required to maintain a good relationship. I realized i wanted to work on it, i didn't want to just take it for granted. I think its the fear of resentment buildup. <P>In the past I often found it hard to make a connection with the STBX, and therefore slowly we drifted apart, I found it hard to work on the relationship, as i was always walking into locked doors. <P>Now I feel the urge to nourish this and it does feel different. its like the doors open easily, without much effort. Now I realize the common grounds for introduction were similar between her and the X, looking for a certain type of person I guess, <mom, is that you?> the connection is very scary.<P>Granted its early, but WOW, is this what it's supposed to feel like? It didn't feel like this when I got married the first time, it fact, i fought the idea of marriage a long time. <P>has anyone else felt the overpowering urge to thwart the SO's feelings of resentment buildup?<P>just curious<P>WIFTTy

Just wanted to say "Happy for you WWFT!!!"

That is so cool!<P>I know I am a <B>LONG</B> ways away from anything like that, but it's so great hear about someone finding that special girl. (I've been afraid all the good ones were taken) <P>Good for you! <BR> <P><P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

WIFT, <P>Yes,it is different......but don't let the feelings of a new relationship cloud your memories of how it was with your x... you may have had some of the same feelings with her when your love was new as well. <P>I know for me, I was in love with my x, and despite some of our differences, would have remained in the marriage. But my life with my new friend feels so comfortable, so right. <P>But, I am sure I had soem of those feelings with my x in the beginning as well. Now, it is up to me to utilize the new skills I have learned here to make this relationship the best it can be!<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Be careful. What you are feeling might be the thrill the WS's feel when they meet the OPs. There is often a rush when you feel listened to, attractive, and can laugh with someone. Of course, this is a great thing, but it can hide a lot of ugly things too. So just take it easy. Go slow, enjoy the ride, and keep your eyes open. I hope it is all you dream of. You deserve it.

Go slow and keep your eyes open is definitely good advice. And it still hurts like all get out if they decide they aren't interested. (Still smarting after a 5 month relationship. )<P>But, just as there are still some good men out there (though I can't find any in Nashville) there are lots of good women left. I, for one, know I'm not perfect but I'm working on that one.

Wow, my man you have covered a lot of ground on this question. <P>But I have a couple of thoughts. <P>First, I love the description of the interplanetary descrambler. I think in the Star Trek world they called it the Universal Translator. But, I know for YEARS I felt like I was speaking French (INFP) and he was speaking German or Russian (ESTP). We didn't match at all, and I had to explain EVERYTHING. UGGGGGHHHH!<P>I also like the way you distinguished wanting to nourish the relationship and feeling like you had to work. I mean, relationships require effort and thought, but I understand what you mean about wanting it to flourish and putting in the effort because of the desire for it grow. Good one!<P>Now here's my challenging answer to your "thwarting resentment" question. Is it YOUR job to thwart resentment, or the other person's job to speak up if resentment is starting? For example, shouldn't the SO say something and speak up if there is something that is just starting to bother them, rather than keep quiet and let resentment build? <P>It's just a thought, and think about it.<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

CJ,<P>what a great question! then i started to question whether I had blown it somehow, i don't think so, but your question sure does make me realize how different this new relationship is. Now the answer is within me, and not the SO, but here it is.<P>When my new friend speaks, i can understand her, she's clear, direct, and there is a real connection such that she knows how to say what's on her mind. as she is speaking, i can usually see immediately where she is going with a thought or question. And that is one of the really special qualities this person has, or we have if you will.<P>My problem is that I am still not used to it, <BR>and i need some time to learn new behaviors. Your point made me really think some more about my behavior, and I how I need to modify it. I think i can make slow progress, but after 18 years of a dysfunctionally communicative relationship, it going to take me some time to get used to it. <BR>I'm not going to give up, just hopefully, I won't scare her off, so your question is very timely and insightful. You must be clairvoyant!<P>thanks, it need some more time to figure out how to identify when i need the new behavoir.

Tom,<BR>I absolutely hear what you mean. First, let me just say that you most definately DID NOT blow it. Oh no, you are working out a puzzle out loud, and since this is an area of difficulty with your stbx, you wanted some input, right? Hope so, anyway! <P>In my own marriage, I think I did react a lot like you. I felt responsible for everything--often taking on stuff that really wasn't my job to take on. That is to say, I TOOK the responsibility, he didn't give it to me, but I'm sure after a while he stopped struggling and resented the fact that I took it all. For me, it is difficult to trust people, so unfortunately I often didn't give them the opportunity to try. See, I didn't realize that if they succeeded it would build them and if they failed they would learn from it--instead, I took it all and then complained because I had a burden. Does this sound similar to you?<P>There's an excellent book I have heard you and Karenna discuss, "Passionate Marriage" and in the Introduction is a very significant sentence, "Differentiation ...is not caving in to pressure to conform from a partner who has tremendous emotional significance in your life. ... The endpoint of differentiation is being will and able to trust YOURSELF." Good stuff, huh? My point is that you know the kind of man you are. I have always been impressed with your wisdom, your knowledge, and your depth of character. So trust yourself a bit. Trust your judgement a bit, because you have learned A LOT and it shows. And finally, trust her a bit. Don't hold her so close that you take on responsibility for her "comfort"--keep a lose enough grip that she's responsible for her own self. <P>Hope this is helpful to ya! BTW, it's good to hear from you. You haven't posted in a while!<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

FW, sort of, but i was given the responsibility by the X and then criticized if i was wrong. so that is where my fear comes from. since i tend to be a responsible person, if it is given to me i will take it.<BR>Right now i continue to want to take it, but i don't want to be wrong, that is part of the struggle. I've almost reach my limits of trusting me and I am scared to go farther, probably for fear of getting burned, its so new and different, the connection is just so WOW, unbelievable.<P>Good analysis of the similarities. I knew that if X succeeded, X would be built up, so i supported the X as much as I could. But when it was my turn to be supported, then there was a problem, because i myself took away the props of her low self esteem and therefore our relatonship. so when i began chasing my/(our i thought) dreams, she imploded, and i couldn't put the pieces back together. so i am scared of being working on me.<P>I am a natural supporter, finance is a support position, so i tend to support, which is good, so I can do that part real well, or at least i have in the past.<P>You are so right, i am having a hard time trusting myself at the moment, and its scary. I will take your advice, try to use it, and your quote is a good one, i hope i can get past my limits and trust myself, but its just way scary!<P>tom<p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited November 28, 2000).]

Wow, interesting. Lightbulbs going off left and right. <P>So what you're saying is that the X would have you be responsible for something and then say, in effect, that you did it wrong, handled it wrong, etc. Basically, the affect on you was that YOU were wrong. You understood the idea that supporting someone will build them up, but once you built her up and, so to speak, it was your turn for support, she wasn't there. Did I pretty much get the picture?<P>Tom, here's what I say. Take a baby step--literally. You feel unsure of yourself and you've reached the boundary of trusting yourself, right? So first, ask yourself if you WANT to stretch and trust yourself more. Hey, for all I know, your answer may be "no." But if it's "yes", take a baby step. Go just a little bit beyond your comfort zone and hang there for a while. Then a little more, but not too much. <P>Also, I would say, you have to trust her a little too, and I bet you this is where your real fear lies. First, do you trust her to NOT tell you that there is something about YOU that is wrong? That's a toughy, and I still hear echoes of that voice inside my head (this is wrong, that is wrong, the way you XYZ is wrong, there must be something wrong with you). The thing is, she's not your X and her reaction may be different, and you're not giving her the chance to do something amazing for you, if you don't at least try. <P>Second, at when it hits the fan, I bet this is the BIGGY, do you trust her to support you if you stretch a little beyond your comfort zone? See, here's what I think really gets you. You can stretch a little, but still be able to support yourself, so to speak, so the risk is minimized. And I'm not advising you to totally stick your neck out--oh no! That's much too scary!! But what I am saying, is that if you stretch beyond your comfort zone, and really share yourself, you're going to have to trust her to support you a little. On this topic, I'd have to say, go when you are ready. Like the other folks said, keep your eyes open and go slowly. Little tiny baby steps. As you take little steps, stay alert and don't let the thrill cloud your judgement--but don't let the past deter it either. As I said before, you're not giving her the chance to do something amazing for you, if you don't at least try. <P>Good luck! Let us know how it goes. <P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Did you buy Cliff Notes for Tom? <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> So first, ask yourself if you WANT to stretch and trust yourself more. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, i do want to stretch. I would never forgive myself for not trying, i just don't want to get scared and give up, or push too far and end up like Wile E. Coyote, just before gravity takes over ! it may take a couple of attempts to get it right. <P>Yes, that is sound advice, and I will take it. I will push very slowly forward, and trust her. I can't stick my neck out all at once, it would be too much.<P>Literally, today feels like a break through day, admitting to myself that she is in where I swore no one else would get to, and that i am actually scared. <ok, that's good, right?><P>Ok, this is good, now i have to go home and think about it some more. (lightbulb on) I know, FW, can you read ahead through the next couple of chapters in those Cliff Notes and tell me the ending? Please!<P>tom

Tom - you are FORBIDDEN to fall in love until at least the first of February. Absolutely forbidden. <P>(Her Royal Highness, Princess Cinderella is tapping her toes and hoping you don't forget where you are going the end of January.)

Tom,<P>The Cliff Notes say he flies to Nashville and falls in love.<P>Okay, take a deep breath. Remember, Wile E. Coyote was a Suuuuuuuuuuuuper Genius (haha). Now another deep breath and remember that either the Shrub or the Gore will be our next President. If that doesn't make you laugh, nothing will!!<P>You'll be okay. I can't speak for everyone, but I'll always be here for ya!<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tom}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Yes, that does make me laugh!<P>

OK, thanks gals and guys.<P>I spoke with my new friend last night,<BR>and she has the teacher's edition of Cliff Notes for Tom, the ones with the answers in the back! FW, you must have the reader's digest electronic copy <P>Anyway, everyone here has the correct advice, take it real slow, and go by the book, POJA or bust! signatures at the bottom please. I think my brain was bounding ahead, and can't let that happen.<P>What would I do without everyone here, I do not know, but thanks everyone, and special thanks to FW for getting me back on track!<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{CJ}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>tom<BR>

Tom,<P>I don't have time to read all the replies right now, but I will come back tonite if I can.<P>Congrats on your new friend. I remember someone telling me to GO SLOW, be cautious and HEAL, FORGIVE and all that good stuff.<P>Just returning the favor, but I know HOW GOOD it feels to meet someone who makes us feel ALIVE again. Isn't it the best??<P>I'm sure you'll get lots of warnings, and your smart enough to handle this, take time to enjoy it and I think you might find that the principles of MB work on a relationship too, not just marriage. (I use them all the time).<P>Good luck, I'll write more later, gotta run,Dana<BR>

Tom,<P>Don't sell yourself short. Let your brain bound ahead now and then, because it's who you are. You have a lot of knowledge and wisdom to share, so let your brain go now and then, and share it. Just remember, that the key is balance. Use your natural energy and enthusiasm, but balance it with some rest and some patience.<P>Lucky girl! <P>BTW, the electronic version of Cliff Notes for Tom can be found at the Cliff Notes website: <A HREF="http://www.cliffnotes.com/tom" TARGET=_blank>www.cliffnotes.com/tom</A> <P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

and I actually clicked on the link! <P>

<P>(Tee hee snicker chuckle)<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.