A couple of questions for those currently dating and for those that aren't but might in the future. What expectations do you have of a dating partner? Can they have kids and if so would you prefer someone with young children or older children? Do you have to feel like you can hit it off with these kids before you let the dating go too far? How about the dating partner? What do they have to be like?

This is a hard question. My expectations now are pretty high. I am 38yo, so I think most men in my dating category would have children. In fact, I would be more impressed with his character if he were an active father and involved with his kids. The age of the children is somewhat irrelevant, except that I would not PREFER infants. That's purely a preference. As far as hitting it off with the children, I'd have to say that most likely the kids would not like me at first just because I'm not their mom. I would hope that I would like the kids, and that eventually they might grow to like me, but realistically, I don't think that would happen very quickly--after all they are children and would behave childishly. <P>Now as to the dating partner, I've put a lot of thought into it. I have basic requirements, prerequisites, and a wish list. For fun, here is my list:<P>BASICS<BR>1. A personality close to my INFP or compatible.<BR>2. Intelligence equal to or exceeding my own. A very, very quick brain, and a college education or equivalent.<BR>3. An over-achieving, goal-oriented, hard worker (because that's what I am!)<BR>4. A high sex drive (because that's what I am) or at least a great interest in sex.<P>PREREQUISITES<BR>1. Trust. Having been a "dumpee", I'm sorry to say, I'm not very trusting, so I need someone willing to take the time to win my trust.<BR>2. Joy of Life. Some folks call this a sense of humor, but I've expanded that to be someone who has joy in their heart, who enjoys life and expresses it, and if possible, someone who is funny and who makes me laugh and who laughs at/with me <BR>3. A soft and gentle answer. It's too long to go into here, but I need a gentle man, plain and simple. I've had too many years of anger and abuse.<BR>4. Know my limits. This basically means that I need someone who'll take the time to get to know me, get to know my limits, and make the effort to not go beyond my limits. <BR>5. Grow and Learn. I need someone who wants to grow and learn to be a better man, and who encourages me to grow and learn to be a better CJ!<P>WISH LIST:<BR>1. Love the ocean, the sea, the mist.<BR>2. Sporty, but not a fanatic.<BR>3. Handsome enough to be attractive.<BR>4. Near my age (38yo)<BR>5. A comediene<BR>6. A little smarter than me, so I can learn from him.<BR>7. Enjoy some of the same hobbies/interests that I do, and have a few different ones too.<BR>8. A few physical, personal preferences.<BR>9. Have dreams and goals, and work to reach those dreams and goals.<P>Pretty demanding, huh? Well, I honestly thought I would be spending the next several years getting my kids grown up and out of the house (about 7 years until the youngest is 18yo), plus I figured no REAL man would EVER stand up to those stringent requirements. Well, surprise of surprises, I am beginning to discover that they do exist! WHO KNEW!<P>Good luck, BonnieSept! Hope this helps ya out!<P><BR>CJ <P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Same for me as CJ, with the exception that I would want someone who has kids near my age. I guess I feel that I would want someone on an even playing field to me....<BR>I would not date a man a lot younger than me, or older, or with very small children. Mine are 17 and almost 15, so if it were to be a long term relationship, I would be selfish in that I would not want to rise small kids. <BR>But that is me. I am 47, and am actually thinking I might have a life again!!

Hey girl, your gonna start a flame on this topic!! lol<P>OK I'll answer your question since I have some experience in this area. I dated guys who had not been married, to guys who were divorced. I dated guys with kids, and without and I dated someone a few years younger, to 5 years older.<P>I'm glad I did because I learned exactly what I really wanted.<P>I wanted someone who had been thru what I've been thru. Someone who's been married before (even though I'm not crazy about dealing with an ex W), someone who was faithful in their marriage, someone with kids close to the age of mine, someone good with kids, a great father to his own kids, and someone right around my age. <P>Well, I am dating someone 9 months younger than me, he has 2 kids the same age as my 2 youngest . He's been married, he's been where I am and he's a very giving person.<P>I am completely happy and I feel like I did not settle, but I wasn't expecting to meet him when I did either, but thats the best part.<P>It feels great to be loveable again, to be important to someone else, and to just learn to trust again. Its something I never thought I'd do.<P>Trust is the hardest. <P>Good luck!<BR>Dana<BR>

I just want someone who makes my heart pitter patter!! Just kidding. But, that is one of my requirements.<P>I think the Faithful Wife has set forth what I would want in a man.<P>As to whether I want them to have children , I think there are pros and cons in both scenarios. If the guy had children, I know he would understand all that is involved in raising kids and that would be a plus. On the other hand, if he doesn't have children, you don't have to deal with the blended family problems. I think the most important thing is whether they want children and interact well with the kids. If they do have children, I think ages close to my kids (3 and 6) might be best.<P>

How about warm and has a pulse???????<BR>I haven't thought to much about dating qualities. I am just looking for someone to have a good time with. As I can have fun doing about anything, I guess I don't have to be that picky. I guess in looking for mate, there would have to be some qualifications.<P>I at first said I didn't want to date anybody that had kids. I finally realized that at 45, most women in my age range would be divorced and have kids. So I quickly changed my mind.<P>I would prefer to have younger kids, instead of trying to win over teenagers. My kids are 10 & 13. The woman I am seeing now has kids 10 & 11.<P>A question to you women and men too. How would you feel if the person you are seeing would put their kids before you and your kids?<P>The reason I asked this is because the woman I was dating in the fall that broke up with me said the reason was because I made my kids number one and she didn't want her kids to be number 3, with her being number two.

RWD<P>I couldn't date someone who didn't understand that my kids are the most important people in my life. I would hope that I could make them feel important too. But, the bottom line is, my kids will always come first and if that bothers them, I wouldn't want to stay with them.<P>Jen

Hi everybody! Just checking in my one time this quarter.....lol.<P>RWD~<P>Of course your kids will always be the #1 priority. If the person you are dating doesn't understand that, especially if they have children of their own, then what would that portend for the future? (If a future with that person was what you were looking for?) <P>As to the age question......I was just wondering if anyone would ever care to date me (you know, the whole feeling you have about worthlessness when your s cheats on you) It's taken some time for me to realize that age really is relative. Yes, I might be older by birthdate than the person I'm dating, but isn't it the level of maturity that really counts? It does still feel strange to be dating someone who was still in highschool when I was done with college, but "growing up" can happen for some earlier than others.<P>So.....I'm just dating for now, and living each day the best that I can. I'll worry about relationship stuff as it comes along - or maybe I won't worry, I'll just try to be happy in each moment and attempt to recognize the joy that comes with life.<P>Claire

Well, as I may be starting to date unless her decision to divorce reverses, I have been thinking of the prioirties in life. I am thinking that our marriage got to be where it is by putting to much emphasis on our kids, and not enough on our marriage. The last two posts mention the kids as #1----how do you balance things with a significant other? Would love to hear some thoughts!!

Desperately Confused:<P>Happy New Year. <P>Glad to see someone else is up this early.<P>I think that it is important not to overlook the relationship with your significant other when you have kids. I think you need at least one "date night" a week whether you are married or single. My ideal date is to go somewhere where I can talk vs. to a movie. Going to the park and taking a walk is my favorite or a picnic when the weather is pretty. You can devote the rest of your week to your kids, chores, yourself, etc.<P>Right now, I am trying to learn how to live on my own without someone else. I am going to post and ask again why this is so important because I know it is but when people ask me, I can't really come up with a good answer except that is what I have been told I need to do.<P>Do you know the answer to that?<P>Jen

Not sure if this is right, but it will give you a chance to center yourself on who you are. Not sure if I will be able to do it, but I think it is necessary. Let's hope for some others to wake up!!!!

I think you have it right. I do know that I don't want to settle next time. And, in order to avoid that, I need to know what is important to me. I need to make sure I am not just looking for a man to keep me from being alone, but that I find someone who will be a good partner for me and can stand on their own two feet. So, that means I need to be able to stand on my two feet as well, so I can make a good partner for someone else one day too.<P>I did start a new post regarding this subject so I wouldn't change Bonnie's thread. Hopefully, others will wake up soon if they don't have hangovers. I went to bed before 12:00 last night and feel fine. I wonder how many others did the same?<BR>

This is a tricky topic, and i'm going to play devil's advocate for people to think about.<P>What is the definition of putting the kids first?<P>If in a blended marriage or even in the first marriage, if you put the kids first, there is a potential to drive a wedge between the parents. In other words, will there be conflict between needs, and how does it get resolved? My X did that, and would use the kids as excuse to NOT have time together, including sex. She said they were the MOST important things in her life, I was number 2.<BR>So I am sensitive to the topic.<P>Bonniesept would weigh in here and say that she and her H make time without the kids, and the kids have to respect that time. In that situation, there is time made where the H is first, and the kids are second.<P>This assures adequate time for the parents to maintain their relationship. But just like parents in a first marriage, it is a delicate balance, and remember the success rate of a second marriage is lower than the first, unless adequate steps are taken to make the marriage a priority at times and strong!<P>so lets examine the kids first statement, to see how we can accomplish this sentiment and still make time for a strong marriage!<P>Hey, i'm right there with you, but everything is not black and white, there are multiple shades of grey!<P>tom<BR>

Tom, I think you have a great point. Why do we need to have people coming first, second, and third?<P>I think we need to figure out how to meet everyone's needs and come up with some type of balance. Everyone needs different things at different times. We need to adjust accordingly. Sometimes my kids don't really need me, they want their dad or time with their friends. This is when I should focus on myself or my significant other. When the kids do need me, I need to focus on them. And so on and so on. <P>

711,<P>You got it! Well said, its a balance, and when you marry a person that has a tendency to get out of balance, in any particular way, it becomes more difficult.<P>I got out of balance with work demands and my career. And I now have changed that. I changed that before we separated, and the X noticed it, and it confused her, but she didn't give me enough time to prove it to her.<P>I think that lots of discussion needs to take place to come to agreements, POJA, and if that can happen, then the marriage has a solid foundation. <where have I heard that before?> <P>Think about the people who are discussed on different threads, and see who is out of balanced at different skills.<P>1) confrontation avoidance<BR>2) anger<BR>3) sexual desires<BR>4) careers<BR>5) domestic support<BR>6) financial support<BR>7) vacation support<P><BR>The list is substantial and takes alot of time, effort and communication to get it correct. That is why the dating scene is important to figure out that ALL of these points to be balanced correctly, before the committment is made!<P>Whew! I am tired even thinking about the list, never mind actually being able to figure out the balancing of it all.<P>Happy New Year!<P>tom

Tom:<P>You know I always hated the balance beam when I was little. It was so scary. Now I have to balance all these other things and it is just as scary.<P>But, it is important to figure out.<P>Take care,<P>Jen

Jen,<P>it just takes time, practice and thought.<P>The one quantitative requirement I have is that the person is like myself, meaning, I understand her when she speaks, and she understands me when I speak. And that can be determined from the Meyers Briggs personality types. <P>To have a judger when I am a perceiver will drive me insane, never again. to have someone that can't think even close to me will be very unfulfilling because the discussions will never be conceptual enough to stimulate me. To have someone that doesn't understand an introvert will find me in the same position. and the person must understand intuitiveness, whereby models are constructed to create innovation. I am very creative, and love solving problems, in fact the harder the more challenging. so if a SO doesn'r appreciate that, we're sunk.<P>So the search is on for someone that fits that personality. Then they have to humor, must make me laugh, or laugh at my stupid humor. it requires mental creativity and quickness. therefore, they can't take it personally.<P>I would prefer a professional woman, so that she understands why I am trying to achieve my professional goal of the year. and then can save/plan/invest with me for our goals.<P>My recreational companionship requirement is that she must like travel, travel lightly, and be able to change plans, adapt, and have real wanderlust, to go into off beat places, to try new adventures. I do alot of different things, and like to explore. I have been to alot of foreign places, and there are more to go.<P>so the start is the BM test, then if she laughs, then what she does for a living, then how she spends her vacation time.<P>I found one, and if this one doesn't work, then I know that they do exist, although for me, they will be few and far between.<P>tom

Jen<P>this just means i have figured out myself, what makes me tick, and what makes me happy. If just having a man makes you happy, you will not know WHICH man will make you happy forever.<P>It is also why I read alot here, and read alot of books about psychology, so I can understand myself and others better.<P>what's your next read?<P>tom

Well said Tom.<P>I do need to know what kind of man will make me happy. And, it won't be just any man.<P>What books do you recommend?<P>Jen

Jen,<P>its up to you, do you know yourself?<P>I suggest going to Amazon.com, picking psychology, and looking at topics, and<BR>then go to the library and take out the book.<P>There are alot of books, its hard to determine where YOU should start, just start somewhere where you feel comfortable, and go from there.<P>one of my favorites is "If you meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill him!"<P>Its a weird title, but chronicles man's eternal struggle to understand himself using Dante's works as the framework. I read it several times, and it is a great read for those who can relate to literature.<P>tom<BR>