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#678071 12/30/00 11:02 AM
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i am ow. i know i come here with the full opportunity for everyone to take their anger out on me. if you wish to, so be it, it may help. first, i am so sorry to all the people suffering because of women like myself. however, we are not all like what you picture us as. <P>for myself, i have much remorse for what i have done. i come from a very close family and the thought of it breaking up scares me to death. fyi my parents have been married for 33 yrs. but i have been the cause for another family splitting. i have no excuse. there can be none. however, i am in love. my affair has been for over a year. his s found out 9 or 10 months ago. they have sense split and are divorcing. not something i am proud to be 75% the cause of. but every relationship takes 2 to make and 2 to break. an outsiders obviosly has some insight but not enough to make a final decision. my story is to long to tell. sounds to much like others. but it is different. i am not trying to be and don't want to be the bad guy. <P>most s do not understand that the op is the one that is with the ws everyday to hear the guilt and remorse that they are going through. the ws do have feelings, at least mine does. we both agree that how our relationship came about was wrong, happened at the wrong time in our lives. we know we made the choice though and now it must be dealt with. we also agree that we love each other and will have a lifetime together.<P>to all of you have been betrayed...i am very sorry. i do not know how your op feels but for myself, i know i have done wrong. i will not take any of it back though. i am smart enough to know that all things happen for a reason. you all will probably be the winners in the end.<P>god bless and good luck to all!

#678072 12/30/00 11:46 AM
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Obviously you are quite young.<P>Perhaps you should look up the word "remorse" in the dictionary. And "covet".<P>You are suffering from some pangs of guilt, but not remorse. Your selfish desires are paramount. What you want, which at this moment, is this man, is more important than anything else in the world. And of course, you are different from this man's wife. He really loves you. He probably never loved his wife. <P>She wasn't as good to him as you are. Probably let herself go a little. Probably spent so much time caring for the family and her husband, that she didn't spend the time on herself, as she could when she was single, and had no responsibilities other than staying within a budget spending money on herself.<P>My dear, you are in for a rude awakening, when you have had a couple kids by him, and find yourself sharing this man's time and money with another family. He can't walk away from them. You can't make them disappear.<P>Nor can you maintain the escape from responsibilities that this man finds with you at this time. You will saddle him with the same exact burdens. Just a younger version, whom he discovers he can't really talk with as an equal.<P>So go on, and believe you are different, that you are special. But in truth, I'm sure this man would have preferred having you as sex on the side, while going back to the family at night. There is an excitement to an affair, that can't be maintained.<P>I would guess, unfortunately for him, his wife discovered he wasn't faithful, and probably was strong enough to give an ultimatum. Or maybe she'll take him back, and let him have sex on the side. Is that enough for you? If not, there is a whole generation of young women out there who will fill the bill, who don't understand what marriage and commitment are, and treat sex casually.<P>I don't know that you'll get the lashings you want. Most of us here will just shake our heads at your ignorance.<P>I suppose you think anonymous tongue lashings will relieve your guilt. Better that you go to this man's children, and look at them, and tell them - <P>"my happiness right now means that you will no longer have a father in your life. He deserves to have new and exciting sex, more than you deserve a happy childhood, or the security of family. Sure, this screws up your entire life, but I'm worth it. You don't matter at all. But of course, if he has children with me, he'll really love those children."<P>You are a coward coming here and posting. Face reality, and face them. Not anonymous strangers. You should continue to read here of the pain betrayal and divorce causes. You will very likely be here in the future.<P>You are right though, about all these people having better lives. You see, the common bond among all these betrayed, is the fact that we were all the strong partners in the marriage. Our wayward spouses were weak, and jumped ship. One more advantage we had with our spouses, was a naive trust. I don't find you lucky, knowing as you do, that if anything bad happens, or if he gets bored, he'll dump you just like he did his first wife. Or maybe he'll just be smarter, and hide his affairs from you better than he did the first wife.<P>I feel no anger toward you, only pity.

#678073 12/30/00 12:03 PM
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thanks for your response. i have tried to see the reality of the childern and the spouse. she will not allow it. i'm fairly young, not as young as you may think. i too have been married before. however my h was an emotional and sometimes physical abuser so i guess i am just naive. i wouldn't know a thing. i want the reality. i want to see the hurt i have caused. yes, it will help with my guilt. i agree the childern are the sufferers. i am the one telling the ws, my bf, the reality of the childern. his s tries with no success, maybe some lately. i am the one who tells him they will suffer, they will have emotional problems. i'm not trying to be in la la land. that is a place i tried before in my own marriage. now we see whare it put me. your thoughts are truthful. i appreciate them.

#678074 12/30/00 12:04 PM
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Oh, yeah, everything happens for a reason - and that reason is often selfishness. And where on earth did you get the idea that it takes 2 to break a relationship - that's just more affair justification - unless of course the two you are referring to are the MM and the OW.<P>Don't count on ever being a "stepmother." Don't count on ever being any more to his kids than the woman that destroyed their family. No woman who really cared about a man would do anything that would contribute to his losing his kids. If you really felt remorse, you would disappear out of his life and let him devote all of his energies to his children and his wife. <p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited December 30, 2000).]

#678075 12/30/00 12:08 PM
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honey west- as you suggested i looked up both words to make sure my repsonse was correct. i do not covet my bf aka ws. i have him, i do not desire him. i do feel remorse, i have regret how the relationship began and i do feel much compassion for his stbx.

#678076 12/30/00 12:16 PM
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Merriam-Webster's definition of covet is:<BR>"to desire (what belongs to another) inordinately or culpably." I think that fits this situation very well - although I suppose you could say that this has crossed the line from "coveting" to stealing.

#678077 12/30/00 12:23 PM
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If you really want to make a difference and care about your affect on this family, LEAVE HIM NOW!<P>Find someone who is unattached. There are plenty out there. And, believe us, when we say, if he is cheating on his wife now, it is only a matter of time before he cheats on you. Let him know that this is unacceptable. Tell him you can no longer be a part of this. Tell him to go to counseling and try to work it out. <P>And, I suggest you seek counseling too.

#678078 12/30/00 12:31 PM
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we both are seeking couseling, individually. and i was not the only cause of the divorce, but a large part the marriage came to the end. i did tell him to leave me alone. it worked for 6 weeks, he came back and i took him. you are correct about the cheating, probably. i have always heard once a cheater always a cheater. i guess i can hope as all you who take your ws back that it will not happen to me.

#678079 12/30/00 12:47 PM
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Opposite shoes,<P>All of your talk about letting this married man know the pain he is causing, is not for their benefit, it is for yours.<P>You are having this man prove, that his love for you, is so great, he is willing to destroy his own children.<P>Your laments to him about the pain he is causing, is an ego boost for you, and the truth is, you would be crushed, if he agreed with you about the pain, and went back to his wife.<P>If you were in an abusive relationship, it kind of makes sense that you would do something like this. You need to prove something to yourself. Just like 711 says, you need some counseling.<P>Do yourself a favor, and break it off.<P>All the advice here is true - You will never be anything to those children other than the woman who cost them their father. Have no illusions there, that this will get better. They may tolerate you because they have to, but they will always hate you. Yours is not the case, of a divorced man dating and then introducing his children to a possible stepmother. <P>If you have no children, you don't understand. You don't understand at all, what you are getting yourself into.<P>Do yourself a favor, and find a single man with no children. Start a family of your own. Believe me, you will be thankful, when you have some kids, and you do "get it."<P>You are in la la land, even if you don't see it. Take the advice of strangers here.<P>

#678080 12/30/00 12:50 PM
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opposite,<P>You can hope that it won't happen to you, but the chances are that he will cheat on you, too. Probably with his wife, no matter what he tells you about how much he can't stand her, how she's turning his children against him, about what a terrible tragedy his life was while he was married to her - blah, blah, blah. The problem with ws is that they don't seem to understand commitment, to anyone - least of all to their children.<P>Yes, the xwife probably doesn't want you to be around her children. This is not necessarily because she thinks of you as a terrible person, but because she doesn't want her children to grow up thinking that it's okay to do whatever you want without regard for how it affects others. She probably would love to have the father actually be and act like a father....to just spend some time with his children. How much time does he spend with his kids? Does he really make the effort? Does he see the kids on their terms, or does it have to be on his terms - and including you? What kind of father has he been while he's been seeing you on the side?<P>Are you ready to commit and devote yourself to helping to raise his children? If not, then you are being just as selfish as he.<P>

#678081 12/30/00 12:57 PM
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This is very interesting.<P>I guess my own thoughts in regards to your situation are not important. Especially because you feel "in love". Truly and honestly you might very well be. BUT you only know what he tells you. His honest to goodness feelings you don't know.<P>My friend went through a divorce some years ago. While pregnant with their second child her H stepped out of the marriage to be with his "girlfriend" who indeed had a son. My friend tolerated the situation after several promises of 'you mean more'......she finally ended everything served him(as they had separated already) their marriage ended. Her "ex-husband" married this woman and they fight constantly. To the point where she almost lost her child, because of neglect. He did lose his two daughters. The one stopped seeing him out of fear and lack of desire.(this one is the one my friend was pregnant for at the time the situation started) Their oldest daughter who was seven at the time the situation started....told her father she can't stand him and doesn't view him as a man, or someone her mother should even consider a lose.(and no my friend doesn't hold on for better times)<BR>He recently left his family(disassociation with his sister and mom and dad), and disclosed to a friend that he misses his wife(my friend) and his daughter's and now he sees he only missed the ides of having a son.(my friend and him did an ultrasound and found out the sex, then he started his affair). He states his life isn't worth anything, and he won't leave this woman because she's better than nothing.(she cooks and cleans)<P>I wasn't the other woman.<BR>BUT i was the spouse that cheated.<BR>There will never be a day where i will feel justified. (it was a one night thing) BUT i treated my spouse horribly and we've talked and agrued and we understand each other better today than we ever did. <P>I will always have to live with this mistake for the rest of my life, knowing it hurt him. See i wasn't out of love with him, i was frustrated. So the earlier statement about being the "weaker" spouse is true.<P>I value a relationship and marriage, BUT my divorce was final this year. I apoligize and do silly things for him when we spend time together but i still see the hurt in his eyes....and i'm disgusted with myself because I did that to him.<P>My point OPPOSITE SHOES is that he too will feel pain and guilt no matter what he says to you. That is something you can not escape. Eventually guilt always breaks the hold and rises to the top.<P>My ex and i having been separated for so long when spending time with me he was "exclusively" seeing this woman.("his girlfriend") He is now responsible for promises of forgiveness to me, the better life for her and her 2 children(from her previous marriage). He even feels guilt. I try to release him by saying i had to pay my dues and i knew what i was headed for when i came back to you. But my resentment surfaces too(over that woman).<P>Feelings don't change.<BR>Bonds don't either.(first marriages and children)<BR>As humans i think we are foolish enough to think we can.<BR>You can't truly move on until you know what makes you unhappy.(He lovee his wife and children, don't trick yourself into believing he doesn't)<P>The other thing, if he decides to try again with his wife and starts spending less time with you, ARE YOU STRONG ENOUGH, UNSELFISH ENOUGH TO ALLOW THAT????<P>My X's girlfriend wasn't. She held on even though he said he wanted her completely, his actions were spending more time with me and less time with her. Heck she even saw my car or his at each others houses and chose to believe it was only for our child. (adult overnight sleepovers for the children THAT'S A NEW ONE!!!!)<P>Today she's out of the picture and constantly complains she doesn't understand why he would choose to spend time with me. After all he told her i was mean hurtful cheated blah etc........<P>Keep your eyes open.<BR>THAT is my advice to you.<BR>Nobody knows the future!!!!!!!<BR>I'm sure if people did the divorce rate would be much lower.<BR>take care.<p>[This message has been edited by looking ahead (edited December 30, 2000).]

#678082 12/31/00 01:05 AM
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rcoaster, i think while the seperating and coming back were going on he was not a good father. he did not have a scheduled time to see them so he would go a week or more at a time before he did see them. now he has regular visits. 2 times a week and every other weekend. he would like to have them more because he misses them so much. but they believe a set schedule is better for the childern. probably is, less confusion on when they will see daddy. he offers to have them more, even a surprise for her this weekend. he offered to keep them new years eve so she could go out. so the kids actually get another night with him this week. <P>i think you a right about how she feels about me. my morals are wrong right now and she wants her childern to have the right ones. she is right, i have never said she was wrong. i actually find myself defending her to her stbx.<P>yes i am ready for the commitment to being a step parent. i will always run second to those kids. i have accepted that. sure at times i feel jealous, but doesn't everyone in some aspect of their life? <P>everyone is correct that when i do have kids, if i do, i will feel what you all are feeling now. i'm sure my guilt will resurface if it ever leaves.

#678083 12/31/00 01:16 AM
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opposite,<P>It's not that your morals are wrong, or mixed up right at this time. They have been obviously nonexistent. But then, when you're "in love" what do morals matter?<P>I'm glad for your bf's children if he really shows an interest in their lives. I would suggest, however, that you step out of the picture while he's with them. Let him be just their dad.

#678084 12/31/00 01:32 AM
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Shaking my head...<P>Statistics...<BR>Only 1 in 10 who leave their spouse for a lover, marry the lover. Of those that do, 60-75% end in divorce. 85% of marriages that occur within 2 years of a divorce end in divorce.<P>Affairs are a house of cards built on lies and deceit. <P>Marriage (and a lasting relationship) is far more than love. Romantic love (what you are feeling now) comes and goes. Mature love lasts forever. I will always love my wife even though she has betrayed me. Marriage requires love, respect, commitment, trust and communication. So, you see, love is only one small part of a lasting relationship.<P>My wife (STBX) can't get away from this OM, even though he cheated on her while she cheated on me. Can anyone give me odds on how long their relationship will last? It will truly NOT be a healthy one as it is already missing many components of a lasting relationship. <P>Experience...<BR>My mother left my father for another man. She married him. The "love" lasted for about a year. (about how long many affairs last) They lived a dead marriage for approximately 19 years. My mother essentially used my step-father to support us (2 brothers) and take care of us as my mother seldom took interest in us. She divorced him after us brothers had moved out. My mother had to work all of her life. She's often described us brothers as "self-raised" I will fault my step-father for having an affair and marrying my mother and for basically being a jerk most of my life. I will credit him for taking care of my bother and myself and actually taking part in our lives. As he had no stake in us brothers, he could have left at any time. Why did he stay? I guess he didn't want to have a second failed marriage. I had a poor childhood, but it would have been an absolute nightmare if us brothers were left with just our mother. Still, I only recently spoke to him after ten years of no communication. Why? My mother recently died of cancer and he was still listed as the beneficiary. My step-father split the small amount of money for us brothers. My mother lived out a fairly miserable existance. She NEVER FOUND THIS LOVE you are talking about. Yes, my father has an alcohol problem (dependency) and an anger problem (has gotten better with age). However, my father provided for my mother. His wife has never had to work a day in her life since marrying my father. I find it totally ironic that that is all my mother ever wanted; someone to take care of her. For if she had stayed with him in the bad times, she would have had many good times. My father and step-mother are still married; 19+ years. He (the betrayed spouse) is basically happy and my mother is in the ground. I'm certain that carrying all of that guilt, remorse, anger, blaming my father constantly, and etc. contributed to her cancer. My step-father moved back to his home state and has not remarried. He will probably die a lonely old man. Downside for children - my brother and I were moved 400 miles from my father. I basically don't know him. I never learned how a loving couple treated one another. Dysfunctional home. The children suffer from the poor decisions and weakness for this so-called "love".<P>I'll tell you like I did my wife. "If what you are doing is so 'right', then you should be able to tell anyone." Of course she can't. It is all lies. It is selfish. It is wrong. She will reap what she sows. Any pleasure that she feels now will be met by 10 times the pain.<P>Your experience is no different than many that have preceded you and many that will follow you. You think that your experience will be different than the others; like my wife. The betraying spouse and lover always think they will be different than the others. The truth is the outcome will be exactly the same.<P>I pity you. You are so lost; like my wife. <P>Go find a strong unattached man that you can built a solid foundation upon which you can build a lasting relationship. The man you are currently "in love" with is a weak man. A man that you cannot respect. He is a man that you can never build a lasting love with. He has proven he can not be a faithful and committed husband.<P>Like an addict, you are suffering from an addiction. You know it is wrong, but you do it anyway. You do your best to rationalize your choices, but you still know they're wrong. Like an addict, you will finally hit bottom and you will wonder "what the hell was I thinking".<P>Two choices<P>1. Leave him now and suffer some withdrawal as he will not be meeting some of your needs<P>2. Stay with him and learn true pain<P>Like my wife, you give new meaning to the word "naive".<P>As you don't know any better, I pity you.<P>Good Luck <p>[This message has been edited by father of 1, husband of 0 (edited December 30, 2000).]

#678085 12/30/00 05:53 PM
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To quote my husband's girlfriend, again, (also married, mother of one, aged 37-39 at the time of the affair, career-woman, "ell-respected"in her community, fairly well-off financially)<P>"Remember, my darling Nanouschka, that you divorce a spouse, not a child."<P>This is just one tiny tiny tidbit of her vast wealth of "wisdom." She shared so much more of her view of life with my husband olong these lines. Most of her wisdom, however, dealt with sending him underwear and pictures of her chi-chis and yoo-hoo in the mail, with comical warnings against letting me find them. I guess this is what you call love. <P>You tell this to my little 5 year-old son, this nonsense about divorcing a spouse, not a child. My son, who cried, raged, misbehaved, was diagnosed with "autism" and "severe mental trauma" (the doctors all pointed fingers at me!--it cost me my career--you should have seen my last NCOER before I got out of the army to be with my husband, who ditched me after I did it) when his father left to be with his girlfriend. Now that he knows the deal, (yes, I told him) he is much better. In fact, he is the self-pronounced "man of the family." At age five.<BR>He has given up on his father. He wants me to "marry a new daddy."<P>We have struggled so much. With loneliness. With depression. With bitterness. We live in a tiny 2-bedroom apt on the bad side of the tracks. I work 12-hour graveyard shifts, and yet I am barely able to pay rent, daycare, and utilities. That is, if we are to eat. If it were not for my church, we would have had no Christmas. I was given two weeks worth of food from the church, and another week's worth from the ladies in my Bible Study group. You don't know how hard it was to take it--how humiliating. I cried many tears. One of the ladies gave me the food that she was planning to serve at her wedding. <P>You tell this to my son, who only sees me for two hours a day as I shuttle him from school, daycare and Nana's house. (Thank God for Nana--she gave me every single thing in my little apartment--even the cat--except for the kitchen table. And she watches my son while I work.) You tell this to my son who hasn't seen his father for almost a year.<P>As for being in love--I loved my husband with all of my heart and soul. Not the way his girlfriend loved him. I loved him enough to put up with his rages and temper tantrums. I loved him enough to find something else to do when he was too busy for me, which was always. I washed his clothes, took care of his house very well, entertained for his friends, ran his errands, gave birth to his babies, was there to make love to him at any given time. I kept myself fit. I kept myself attactive. I supported his job to the utmost, in any way that I could. All this while, I was a career soldier, trying my best to take care of my home and my unit at the same time. Yet I never placed my career above my marriage or my family. He can never say that I didn't pull my weight.<P>I loved my husband deeply and honestly and more than I have ever loved another man. Yet when I gave him trust and freedom, he betrayed me at the first opportunity. <P>His girlfriend loved him a different way. She saw a big strong handsome Marine officer and decided that she would have him at any cost--her family, my family. Her own husband was "boring." Her own child was "strong-willed." (Gads--she should take mine for a day!) And his girlfriend worked hard at being the one who scored the prize. She did everything she could to make me look bad. She mocked my religion. She called me a predator, a monster. She advised him as to how much money he should send me. She offered to take my son for my husband, urging him to pursue a custody battle, because I am an "unfit" mother, only concerned with my career. (After she abandoned her own child.)<P>I loved my husband. Part of me always will. But after all the horrible things that she has done to prove her "love," I guess she should be rewarded her prize.<P>Just tell this to my son. He is only five now, but one day, he will be 15. And wondering what the hell happened, why he wasn't good enough to stay for and why his mother wasn't good enough to be faithful to. <P>And one day, he will be 25, and perhaps facing his own relationship, and weighing it the way his father did. And he will be wondering if a woman is a) someone to use once like a piece of toilet paper or b) someone that you try to love but if you are slightly displeased with, it's ok to leave her or c) someone who demands all your time and money and makes babies who also demand all your time and money or d) hopefully none of the above. I will try to teach him none of the above, but that will be quite a task, coming from a mere "woman."<P>Well, okay, you asked for it, OW. You seem to be a little proud of your station, and if so, and if "love" is worth it, I hope your conscience and the rest of your life is peaceful after you have destroyed a man's family.<P>This is taken from a tenement of my church, and if you are not religious, that's cool, but bear with me, I think this says it all:<P>"The family is ordained of God. Marriage between a man and woman are essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. . .we warn individuals who violate covenants of chastity , who abuse spouse and offspring (to me, adultery is a form of abuse) or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communiities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets. . ."<P>If you really do "love" this man, you would love his children too. And if you love his children, you would care about the woman who brought them into the world, their mother, who they love. And if you love this man--you will love him enough to let him mend his family. Let him go.

#678086 12/30/00 05:54 PM
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VOMIT! VOMIT! VOMIT!<P>GET IT???

#678087 12/30/00 06:41 PM
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Oppositeshoes,<P>I have been divorced now exactly 20 days. It would have been my 17 wedding anniversary yesterday and where do you think I spent it? I was working a double shift just to keep mine and my kids heads above water. Where did my X spend it? In a fancy cabin with a hottub with OW.<P>Don't come whining here looking for sympathy. I worked my [censored] off for my marriage. I worked very hard on us. I even put up with his little infidelity with OW1 a year ago. When I thought things were on the right track with us he finds this heartless slut. She didn't care that she screwed up her kids and my kids lives. They are both very selfish individuals who as far as I am concerned deserve eachother. My X just a week ago was crying to me saying he missed me blah, blah blah sure looks like it don't it. <P>Just remember this you lover did it once he will probably bale on you to.<P>I am usually very open minded and forgiving. I have stuck up for those OP who have chanced to post here but not now, not this week. <P>I just hope you feel someday what your lover's wife feels now. I can't imagine that it is all that pleasent knowing that when he is having sex with you he is sometimes thinking about her.<P>By the way just how old is this man anyway. If it is a midlife thing you don't stand a chance in hell.<P>I'm sorry for the harsh words but hey you asked for it!<P>Jill<BR>(formerly crazy or what? )

#678088 12/30/00 10:53 PM
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Opposite Shoes-----I truely believe your post tops it all. I am new to MB and this is my first response. I came here looking for support and guidance. Up until now I really did sense a feeling of warmth and sincerity. You are either so narcissitic or truely scarey ("psycho"). Has anyone ever been really honest with you, I mean a true real person? Don't kid yourself about the boyfriend. He may like your lack of responsiblities and sense of "fun" but he will always only respect his wife and never, I mean never you dear. I hope you can someday really ask the father up above to forgive you for one of the most horrible commandments broken.

#678089 12/31/00 12:31 AM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 408
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Oh, where do you begin?<P>First, this makes me wonder who you are! Maybe you're the one who destroyed the lives of my little boys. Are you the reason my children are in counseling - think about that statement, "CHILDREN in counseling". Just the mere gravity of those 3 words I just typed makes you someone the Bible refers to on the path that leads to death. Don't actual "LIVES" of children matter to you. The most precious gifts we are entrusted with, most precious to God. They will live this. This will shape everything they are and become from this point on. My Lord, I can't imagine any amount of so-called "love" being that important to ruin the life of any child on this entire planet.<P>My mom is an OW. She is now stuck in a "happy marriage" like previously described. They don't trust eachother and stopped being in that "special" love a long long time ago, and they hide their stuff from eachother because they are each afraid the other's kids are going to get their hands on their stuff if something happens to them. Pathetic and they deserve it. I have long lost respect for my mother (even tho I still love her). That "special" love in an affair is usually way more short lived than the original love people have the first time.<P>My father never remarried. He's a wonderful Christian man who also happens to hang out with other divorced guys (most 3 and 4 times now) as his friends. I think he's trying to show them there's a better way to live by showing them God's love is alive. Anyway, he told me that X will be back (or at least wish it). He said that all of his "buddies" wish they were back with their original wife #1 again.<P>The man you have married his wife for a reason. They were in LOVE. They have years, family, history and most importantly CHILDREN together. If this man would do this to THAT person, if he could break all those really big bonds, what in the world kind of hold do you think you have on him that is going to be stronger. After a person breaks those bonds, anything else becomes flimsy and easy to break later. Sure, you could give him children too. Oh wait, he already did that before, piece of cake. You are in for a lot of wasted years and big time pain.<P>If his wife was 25% responsible for this divorce, what did she do - forget to make the beds? Starch his underwear? Oh please give me a break. NO marriage is perfect and if you marry him, yours won't be either. You mean because she wasn't 100% perfect, it's ok to wreck this home. Most of what he told you about his wife is probably 100% exaggerated or flat out lies. He has to lie. He has to justify his hunt for extra sex and alleviate his guilt about it.<P>Let this man loose. If he goes back, let him because that is where the 2nd chance and possible forgiveness belongs, if he doesn't, whatever - move on and get yourself someone who hasn't broken his vows and promises yet (let alone dumped his very children for extra sex) because that's where your true chance at happiness lies. I believe some men (ok, women too) don't really know what true love is - they think sex is love. Well, there is always going to be someone younger and cuter than even you and he'll most likely find her, and if she's like you, she'll most likely be willing to ruin your kids' lives. And even if he stayed with you (or you never caught him in the act), how will you ever really know if he truly wishes in his heart he never left his "real" wife.<P>------------------<P>Kathy<p>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited December 30, 2000).]

#678090 12/31/00 06:30 AM
Joined: Oct 2000
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I don't generally post on this board as I am not divorced, just lurk some but I just have to put my 2 cents in to the pot.<P>You have heard many responses from people, all who have been the BS, as you can tell the hurt and anger goes deep. My WS is still with me after almost 2 yrs, he says it is for our sons, most of the time I believe it but not all. I do believe he has tried to stay away from the OW, we moved to Asia to get away from her, & yet she still is in the picture. I believe with my whole heart if she would just leave us alone, that we would find our way back. Please I beg of you, no matter what this man tells you break it off, change phone number, have no contact with him. It sounds as if you deserve better than someone who will always be pulled by his children & 1st wife, find someone who has never been married or divorced with no kids. I wish for you happiness but look else where. <P>One of the stranger things my WS has said I wanted my needs met but I want everyone to be happy including you, I don't want you to ever want for anything, well the only way that will happen is if we stay married.<P>Think about all of what you been told, read this site, read the just found out site, the general questions, it may change your mind once you read all the hurt, pain that doesn't go away, we grow, we can bear, we survive it but deep down it is there & it will scar our children forever.

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