I have been told how important it is not to date after divorce for a while so you can learn how to be comfortable on your own.<P>When people ask me why I have to do this, I can't really come up with a good answer except it is what I have been told to do. I have been told that I need to be alone so I can find happiness in myself and not be so dependent on others for my happiness. But, I have found that I am happiest when I have a man in my life. So, I am struggling with this whole concept.<P>So, can some of you give me some more reasons why I should not date for a while (at least not seriously) so I can keep my New Year's resolution of living independently for a while.<P>Thanks,<BR>Jen<P>By the way, it is snowing in Atlanta right now and it is so beautiful. What a great way to wake up to a new day and new year!

Hi Jen --<P>I have no simple or pithy answers for you--I just know that being in a new relationship on the heels of my marriage breakdown is really, really difficult. Both my STBX husband and I are in serious relationships, where each of us have live-in boyfriend/girlfriend. I don't know about him, but I know trying to make sense of what went wrong in my marriage while starting off a new relationship with someone else has been really confusing and difficult.<P>I need time to mourn the death of my marriage and often times, the pain is so profound that all I want is to be alone...but I can't be alone because I have OM living with me.<P>I want more than anything to be on my own for a while with my two children, but the situation is so complicated at this point, I have no idea how to make that a reality. So I continue, in my confusion, pain, happiness at times, to just muddle through.<P>Where this will end is anyone's guess.<P>Sweetie, take some time for yourself. I wish I had listened to all those who counselled me to do the same. The end of a marriage, the end of all those shared dreams and memories, is nothing to be taken lightly. Take time to understand how the marriage broke down and who *you* are...don't get involved with another out of fear of being alone. Plan for a full life, if that's what you'd like to do...but stay away from dating. You'll bring too much baggage with you.<P><P>------------------<BR>Take good care, Francis

Jen,<P>My understanding is that it allows one to heal from the trauma of divorce...<P>Kinda keeps the baggage to a minimum...<P>Time for reflection to allow one to see what they did to contribute to the demise of their marriage...<P>It also give one the time needed to get comfortable in their own skin...<P>Chances are that without taking the time needed we'll wind up repeating our mistakes...<P>Also...What do I really have to bring to a relationship right after I divorce...Anger...Resentment...Pain...Loneliness...And a lot of needs to be filled...<P>I hope this somewhat answers your question...<P>Happy New Year.....<P>Bill

Thanks Francis:<P>By the way, I did get serious with someone right after my divorce, and although it was very hard, I did break if off when some issues came up. I really do miss him and have been tempted to start it back up a few times. But, I know it is better that we do not.<P>

Speak of the devil. I just got off the phone with the guy I had been dating. I'm glad we talked because I really missed him. But, we both know we really do need this time apart even though it is so difficult.<P><BR>Thanks Bill for your input. I really need to keep my head on straight right now and stay by myself.<P>

Jen,<P>Its important to be on your own to discover who YOU are. You were a wife for so long, that its hard to define who you are now that your not married. <P>You take this time to do some of those things that you might not have done, but always wanted to. Especially things that sometimes , marriage doesn't permit. (like going to nashville).<P>You learn to spend time alone, love yourself for who you are and discover that you are worthy of love, but you don't need it to survive. You can survive on your own.<P>That way, when you DO find that Mr. Right, you are with him for all the right reasons. Not to forget about the exH. Not to get thru a divorce. Not to compete with the WS. Not to financially survie because its convenient. If a relationship forms like this in the midst of a divorce, you can always wonder.<P>If you go thru it first then there is less baggage.<P>However, I still feel, that time for us to be alone, is different for all of us. Some women take longer to let go. What matters in the end, is that we heal as much as possible FIRST.<P>I don't believe any of us can TOTALLY heal before going into a new relationship> We may feel this pain 4 years from now, so why live that whole time being lonely?<P>There is no set timeframe to be alone, and you have to do what is right for you. You got a good example from someone who is just "muddling" thru. Thats not what you want to wake up to.<P>That's why I am trying my hardest to go slow. Its hard. Its hard to have met someone who is so totally kind and affectionate.<P>But I don't want to have any regrets down the road.<P>I also learned that sometimes, 2 people just aren't compatible. You may never fully know the reason the marriage broke up. Its too easy to say, oh, my ex cheated. Well those who were betrayed, left some need unanswered and thats how it began. Mostly a viscious circle, but I still think most of us betrayed learn down the road that we made some mistakes too. <P>For me, I was 17 when I met the ex. He was my boyfriend. I was a teenager, who thought "he's cute, I like him". Had an accident happen and decided to make the best of the situation and tried like crazy to make life work for the baby. In the end, I am wise enough now to know that my ex is not a very sweet guy and I need someone who is going to give as much as me.<P>But when you get in that new relationship and the feelings come for the new person, you really doubt yourself. You search hard for the answers to what went wrong so you don't do it again.<P>Really sometimes, certain personalities just aren't right and we bring out the worst in each other. Sometimes, we have nothing in common, or we grow apart. <P>I don't think anyone will ever know the entire reason why the whole marriage broke down and we'll never fully heal , or if we do, it will take years.<P>But learning to love yourself, will make it easier for someone else to love you too. Also, you won't "need " him, you;'ll just "want" him, and thats a great feeling!!!!!!!!<P>Hugs, be strong, hang in there, and find yourself first!<BR>Dana<BR>

Thanks Dana! I know I can always count on you for some words of wisdom.<P>

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trying to move on (edited March 26, 2001).]

I don't know if I have any words of wisdom but what got me through the worst of times was prayer, friends, family, a support group, my therapist and this site. Quite a crew, huh?<P>My x said he left me because we never got along and never would (together 18 years, married 13) but he also admitted he was interested in a young girl in his office and other women over the last few years but never acted on it. He was tired of trying with me and wanted to find happiness with someone else. His fling with the office girl lasted less than a month. But, it didn't matter. He still had no desire to come back to me.<P>Sooo, here I am now.<P>I made the mistake of watching the English Patient when I was down and out to begin with. So, that has really lifted my spirits. I will write back when I am in a better frame of mind.<P>In the meantime, hang in there and make sure you stay away from the movies. It really does get better with time. <P>Jen

Hi 711<P>For my 0.02c worth (even less with the exchange rate!!!!!!) here goes.<P>I think, for me, I would like this year to myself. With no *man clutter* !!!!!!!<P>My divorce went through court Dec 5th, and will be final Jan 7th. Even tho I have accepted everything that has happened, I still have no answers. I still don't know why he didn't want to try. I still don't know 'anything'. But I have accepted that I may never know. And that acceptance, along with the d, has given me a sense of freedom. But not freedom in the sense that I am now free to start a new relationship - even tho technically I can. It's a freedom all about me. I can be selfish for the first time in a very long time. And that is appealing.<BR>Yes, I miss male company. Close male company. But I have quite a few male friends, and they will have to do. My new years' resolution is to have this year for ME. Just me, my 2 beautiful girls, my family and my friends, and my university studies. I want to regroup ME. And even tho my priorities have always been basically in the correct order, I am going to use this year to make sure. I want to know what I want.!!!<P>I want to, for the first time in my life, focus on me. With a lot of soul searching, I have come to the realisation that a lot of what I have done over the years is because that is what I thought 'others' would have wanted me to do. <P>And for that reason, I know I am not ready to start a serious relationship. I do have someone ringing me at the moment, who has taken me out 3 times. But I'm just about to end it with him, because I don't feel ready. I don't want to get to know anyone at the moment. I don't have the energy to devote to anyone at the moment. I just want to focus on my beautiful children, and me.<P>I am comfortable with me, and I like me, but I still have a lot of things that I need to work out, and work through. Unless I met someone who has been, or is going through this, how in the heck would they ever understand me.???? And how much baggage do I bring to any new relationship at this point in time. And if he is going through this too, how much baggage can 2 people have betw. them and still have a successful relationship????? I don't very often put things in the 'too hard' basket, but this is what I have done as far as relationships are concerned for the time being.<P>All this waffle is just what I feel, and the decision that I have come to over the last week. I decided I wanted to be myself, and I'm happy with my decision.<BR>You must do what feels right for you. But bear in mind all the baggage that you have. <P>I wish you well, and I hope that this year brings everything you want. I think that's the least you deserve......<BR>Take care of you<P>Jo

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 711:<BR><B>I have been told how important it is not to date after divorce for a while so you can learn how to be comfortable on your own.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I wouldn't say "don't date" ... I would say not to go out looking for a soul mate ... avoid heavy entanglements. <P>There are a lot of very strong feelings that come in the wake of a marital breakup. All of them arrive on their own schedule, not yours. Either or both of the divorced parties may think about, or want to pursue, reconciling. New significant others can keep that process from moving to it's natural conclusion. Somebody old could be left with lingering questions, and somebody new could get hurt.<P>I would say get on udate.com, e-mail back and forth with some people over there to get some sense of confidence back, and inform upfront anybody you're going out with so that they know you're on the rebound ... even though it's going to be a while before you know the full ramifications of what that means.<P>

711,<P>As everyone has said, you need to be alone to find your own happiness. Only then can you give to others. <P>I am currently at an end to what was once a great realtionship, because I would not follow my own advice.<P>We were both recently seperated. She from her husband, me from a girlfriend. We met by accident, and started a world-wind, very passionate relationship within days. <P>When I could see her becoming depressed after a few months, I insisted we take a break, so she could get the "alone time" she needed. She refused, and I wanted to belive she didn't need it. We continued seeing each other. <P>Since then, things have slowly desintegrated. She is not able to fully "give" to a new relationship, and when she does, needs immediate praise. I often feel used and neglected. We are always fighting over things we should have/or should not have done for each other. She needs time to be by herself and do things 100 % for herself. Being with me dosen't fit rigt now.<P>So it is with two very heavy hearts that we decided on New Years Day not see each other for a while. I wish I would have stuck to my guns many months ago, and perhaps now we would be ready to have a realtionship. Instead, she is in a position where she needs to spend all her time on her, and I for once in my life, put someone else's needs above mine, only to have disasterous results.<P>I doubt we will every know if what we once had was real or not. Take your time! Everything has to be right! Timing is everything!<P>This is unbelievably the 2nd New Years in a row in which my current realtonship falls apart. I am starting to hate the holidays.

I often have pondered that question too..how long should you wait before dating? I think everyone is different...depending on the circumstances for the breakup. I know for me, it seems that I have been alone for a very long time. I got involved with someone six months after separating, who was also going through a divorce. I wasn't expecting anything, but life has a way of dealing the unexpected. Things seemed perfect, but he was not ready and things ended as quickly and abruptly as they got started. In that respect, it was a mistake to have gotten involved...I was going through a painful divorce and then had to deal with relationship pain...believe me the two don't go very well. <P>I don't need a man in my life to make me feel happy or complete me. I am confident in who I am and what I do...having someone in your life who cares for you, who thinks of you, who is sensitive to your needs is very special. Why put a time limit on that? I look forward to meeting someone who can do that just because...not because I want him to or he feels it is expected. <P>I mourn the end of my marriage, but for me the marriage had been over a long time. I felt bad over the holidays because I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would. Nothing really was different. On New Year's I welcomed the New Year alone with my children...just like all the other years. I can't imagine dating at my age...maybe there is something inbetween. I know I won't be as trusting next time...right now I'm just too numb. I can't deal with anymore pain, so in that respect I imagine it most likely will be a long time before I am brave enough to venture out there again. I do know that it gets awful lonely doing things alone all the time, but tis the way of things right now.<P><BR>

One of the things Jennifer asked me to do during my exit counseling session was wait to date, in case my STBX decided to change her mind. I'm pretty sure this is not going to happen, but I think waiting is the thing for me to do.<P>So much of who I am was defined by my marriage, that I need the time to grow into who I really am, before I interact with another person. This is especially hard, as I really crave companionship, but I realize that I'm not ready emotionally to get involved with anyone. I would like to find some new recreational companions, however.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

711,<BR>Hmm. I'm not really here to give you reasons to date/not date. In the past, I tried to more-or-less lay out the scenario and possible consequences of dating early on so that you could make up your own mind, and you did. If your own personal experience is not enough to convince you, then I can't imagine that there is anything more I could say. I'll try though.<P>I don't recommend the "date, but don't get too attached" advice. If you were on a diet, I wouldn't recommend buying a whole gallon of your favorite ice cream, then telling you that you were only allowed to have one bite. To continue that analogy, I wouldn't even keep the ice cream in my own freezer!!<P>You say you are happiest with a man in your life. Ok. Let's start with that. What is it about having a man in your life that makes you the happiest? Is it male companionship, sex, affection, shared experiences? What I'm getting to is that it is very likely that you can have many of those things without risking your emotional health too much. Is it necessary for all of those things to come from one person? Sure, maybe in the long run. Here's another analogy (I like them ). We all like being able to walk on two legs, but if you had broken one or both of your legs, I'm sure you'd take the necessary time to let them heal before going out and running a marathon. Even with physical injuries, people forget how long it takes to fully heal. How many times have you injured something (physically), then it doesn't hurt for awhile and you think you are through it? Then, oops, you get a sharp pain, maybe even re-injure it and you realize you aren't quite done yet. Same thing with emotional pain. <P>I get male companionship from the guys at work and from my male friends. I get affection from my friends and family, as well as laughter and bonding from shared experiences. Sex is out for me until I'm ready for a commitment. That part is a bummer and I miss that, but oh well. Every once in awhile, when I'm feeling especially needy for a male touch, I go get a full body massage. My massage guy is very cute, so that is a nice perk. <P>

Well, I can tell everyone is getting back from the holidays. I appreciate all the replies. They have been so helpful.<P>Bonnet: What you have said makes perfect sense to me. I don't know how you guys do the quote thing, so I will do it the old fashioned way, You said:<P>"I want to, for the first time in my life, focus on me. With a lot of soul searching, I have come to the realisation that a lot of what I have done over the years is because that is what I thought 'others' would have wanted me to do." <P>That is me to the tee! I got married because I thought that was what others wanted me to do. Uggh! Then I dated a guy after my divorce, and he was talking about wanting to marry me next year. That scared the hell out of me, so I decided to break it off. I have a very good idea about what went wrong in my marriage and my role in the problems because my x and I were in counseling for two years before he gave up. But, as to what I now want in life, I still have a ways to go to figure that out. I know that I'm definitely not ready for marriage anytime soon. <P>Jersey Joe and Lonely Soul: It sounds like we all tried the dating thing and ended up with the same results. My boyfriend and I broke up right after Thanksgiving because I realized neither of us were ready for a serious relationship right now. But, I think sometimes we have to go through these tough experiences in order to learn some things about ourselves. <P>Sisyphus: I tried the casual dating but couldn't keep it at just that. I got way too involved. I agree with The Student's ice cream analogy. It's too hard to stop because it seems so good at the time.<P>The Student: Your injury analogy made me laugh. That's my therapist's favorite analogy. As to the reasons why a man makes me happy, I think it is the attention and validation that I receive. After my divorce, I felt so rejected and had terrible self esteem. I thought who would want me?? I was 36 with two kids and had so many friends that were single and unhappy. So, when I started getting asked out, it made me feel that maybe I wasn't so bad after all. But, I'm starting to realize, that I don't need others to feel good about myself. I need to feel worthy on my own. <P>Nick: Sometimes, I wonder if my dating shortly after my divorce, kept my x from possibly reconciling. I think that is another good reason to wait, especially, if you think there is any possibility of that.<BR> <P>So, I plan on being alone for awhile and enjoying the fact that I only have myself to please right now. Besides, the kids of course. I think the way Bonnet put it made it sound like a wonderful oppurtunity vs. self imposed drudgery for a year.<P>

711-<BR>This is a somewhat old topic, but I just saw it. I just wanted to say that I am grateful to know that there are so many people who can relate to exactly how I feel. You are one of them. You responded to one of my first posts about my post D relationship because you were in one yourself. I remember that. It's amazing to me how similar so many of our stories are. Sometimes it is diheartening. Just wanted you to know that and to say that I will keep you in my thoughts . Thanks for sharing.<P>

I think I need to read more about Augustine. Read a wonderful book which attributed something so pertinent to my life:<BR>-------------<BR>To have peace, you must know yourself. And, to know yourself, you must be alone.<BR>-------------<P>And it seems so true. I think I had lost myself. Then I had the divorce thrust upon me. And, while I don't know myself perfectly, I do know so much more. And I have more peace than I had when I had that man I was trying so hard to please.<BR>

Hey Jen,<P>What a great topic!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>And it seems so true. I think I had lost myself. Then I had the divorce thrust upon me. And, while I don't know myself perfectly, I do know so much more. And I have more peace than I had when I had that man I was trying so hard to please.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Cinderella,I couldn't have said that any better.I feel exactly the same way. <P>I can say that for my self,bc I have children I don't think that I am "truly" alone.<P>Yes......after the kids are in bed the house is dark and quite.But hey,that is "MY" time.I can then do what I want to do.Take a bath,watch a movie,work on a home improvement project,read a book,be on line w/you guys <P>I am happy w/my self.<P>So do I really Need to have a man around?<BR>Hell no........"I don't need no stinking Man"<P>I will say thou Jen,I somewhat can see from where you are coming from in regards to being your happiest when w/a Man.<P>I can honestly say that I have seen my self happier,like I don't know,maybe "More complete",when in a relationship.I love doing for others.I am a "giver",that makes me happy.<P>Is that a good thing or a bad thing?<BR>["are you a good witch or a bad witch"?]<BR>LOL.....ok,sorry couldn't help my self.<P>Have a good one!<P>Gina <P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----<p>[This message has been edited by LittleCookie (edited January 19, 2001).]

I'm in a slightly different boat - The only person I dated longterm - my stbx. Got married at 19 and stayed that way until last August (15 1/2 years) - I don't even know who I am as an adult who is not married. That is verryyy scary for me and I think it lends itself to my desire to cling to stbx despite the treatment he's given me.<P>(thinking hard)I can do this, I can do this!<P>Lisa