I'll tell my friends all about this, because it was wierd. Something happened today that has triggered like a domino effect, and I have been totally thrown for a loop.<P>I have someone that I care about who is really important in my life, and for a variety of reasons too numerous to mention here, I thought maybe that this person did not want to continue being my friend. To be honest, the reasons are irrelevant, it was the reaction that was stunning.<P>At first, I was scared but pretty well held it in and kept it to myself. But once I said it out loud and explained that this was what I was afraid of, it was like this part of me went into Post Traumatic Stress reaction. Within just a minute or two, it was like a flash flood of everything that happened this year, and all that insecurity and sorrow and ... wow, it just overwhelmed me in a matter of seconds. It was like a super small event triggered an avalanche!<P>So, I'm totally shook up and can't get back on track. I thought the walls I was building were stronger than this! Yet in one small thing, it just comes right back without any warning. WOW. Here, I was feeling pretty good about my progress, and now I feel like I'm back at square one! What happened?<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

I think this is key:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>I thought the walls I was building were stronger than this! Yet in one small thing, it just comes right back without any warning. <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Don't build walls against your own feelings or they will come crashing through at unexpected times. Those feelings need to be accepted and processed. They won't go away by pushing them to the back of your mind. they need to be abosrbed. Like a drop of water into an ocean. You don't isolate a raindrop and keep it fom falling into the ocean. You let it fall and become part of the ocean. But since the ocean is so much bigger than that one drop of water, its affects will be negligible once the ripples die down.<P>You as a whole person are bigger and stronger than the events of the past year. Let the feelings flow through you. Feel the ripples and watch them pass and eventually they will settle out. But if you build a wall, the ripples will become a wave that will grow until it crashes against the wall.<P>

I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. I would just say that something in the words you spoke or the tone you had to use triggered all the memories. Of course, the situation was that of possible separation from someone dear. Unvocalized, the thoughts could be controlled, held in check, encapsulated. Vocalized, other centers of your brain had to be involved, and the feedback was there to trigger it all.<P>I don't think you should blame yourself for any perceived weakness over this. It's just another step on the road to recovery; another knot in your psychic muscles that you have suddenly become aware of because it twinged ... it just needs to be massaged out is all.

CJ,<BR>I think you may have said it yourself, you though the walls were building were strong. IMO, you don't want to build walls because you are not only keeping "things" out you are also keeping "things" in.<P>I think this is what I think of when I say we need to grow. We need to be able to handle these triggers so that we don't have a reaction like you did.<P>When the woman I was dating back in the fall broke up with me, it came out of the blue. All the same feelings came back, that I would be alone forever, no one would love me, etc. that I felt when my my then w left me and later when the divorce was evident.<P>Maybe this is what happened to you. It sounds like it to me. You were fearing rejection, again, and all those frightful thoughts that you thought you had walled off were actually walled in and came crashing down on you.<P>Did you talk with the friend to clear the air. It probably isn't as bad as you fear.<P>Well thats all my amateur pschology has to offer. I hope it helps. don't forget your counselling if you feel you need it to get through this.<P>God Bless,<P>Bob

CJ,<P>I tend to agree with the others...Building walls is what got me here.<P>I didn't allow myself the vulnerabilities required to maintain a healthy relationship...I was always fearful of getting hurt!<P>Now I see it for the exact opposite...I walk through that fear...So far I haven't been hurt too badly...<P>The other nugget I have learned about relationships is we tend to put unrealistic expectations on ourselves and others...That one is pretty heavy IMO...and covers a lot of ground...<P>Hang in there and remember that they're just feelings <P>Love Ya,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR><P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.

Okay, let me absorb what you're saying for a second. When I said walls, I didn't mean fake walls of strength walls to keep from feeling. In fact, once again allowing myself to feel (good and bad) has been one of the coolest gifts I've learned this year. But I was trying to envision walls of a strong, new foundation that I built myself. Here I was, thinking I was making some good progress, and this just brought back feeling-memories. It was exactly as Sisyphus described it--a certain thing was said in a certain tone, and it was like dominoes! I know this reaction: it's what I call a body-memory when your body (or in this instance my feelings) remembers something and reacts in a certain way because of a trigger event. <P>I like your drop of water in the ocean analogy, and I totally get what you're saying. I remember when this was new, it seemed like the rollercoaster was so extreme, feeling pretty good and then feeling horrible. It wasn't a ripple at that point--it was a wave!! I've just recently commented that it seems like the rollercoaster has mellowed to the point where it's managable and even a little fun and challenging. The ripples now are cool ways to point out areas I need to work on.<P>So let me see if I understand. If I feel sort of bowled over by this particular occurence today, I should let myself feel it (like the drop makes a ripple, and we shouldn't try to fight or prevent the ripple) and as time goes by, the affect is disappated just like the ripple eventually fades. Okay. I hear ya, I think.<P>Thanks for your thoughts!!<P><BR>CJ<P>P.S. I absolutely talked to my friend in the beginning before this all started happening, and it was basically a misunderstanding. Just so y'all know, that part is indeed all taken care of.<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.<P>[This message has been edited by FaithfulWife (edited January 04, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by FaithfulWife (edited January 04, 2001).]

Hi CJ,<P>I'm glad it all worked out for you. <P>I too liked the analogy of the drop of water into the ocean. I'm getting there where all this is concerned, but reading things like the responses you got really helps me too.<P>Keep building those walls, and letting those little drops in.......<P>take care<P>Jo

(((((((((((CJ))))))))))))<P>Sorry to hear about your experience. Glad you're doing better. Isn't it amazing how we grow? It sure isn't an easy process, is it?