Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Dec 1998
Posts: 126
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 1998
Posts: 126
Well as if I hadn't heard it all. This one takes the cake and I guess makes this whole scenario hopeless for me.<P>Brief refresher: My wife had first one affair, then simultaneous affairs over the last few years. All the while telling me to hang in there...that she had faith in family values...and that she would eventually come around to being a responsible married person once more.<P>Well...here after the umpteenth ultimatum...is her solution. Her position is this.<P>The reason she hasn't come back is because I keep checking up on her. She says that all her men friend's are "just friend's". Someone very close to her, who she confides in, tells me that she is lying through her teeth and my research confirms this.<P>But she says she will "think about not being angry with me" if I comply with the following conditions:<P>1) I stop harassing her about who she sees every weekend, because she feels since we are now physically (not legally) separated, she has a right to see whoever she wants.<P>2) She needs "more" time to settle out her thoughts and get her life "straight".<P>3) I never ask her about her men friends and "the past" again.<P>4) She alleges that my investigation into her activities are making her a nervous wreck.<P>5) She is angry at me, because I have "made public with some of our friends that we are separated and that she was the source of the separation.<P>6) She is angry with me because I cost her her friendship with the girl who taught her that having an affair is ok as long as your husband doesn't find out.<P>7) That I trust her that she has not been dating any other men.<P>So, anyone have enlightening thoughts on how to deal with a person like this. I have never had an affair, nor have I dated anyone since we were formally engaged 9 years ago.<BR>So where does she get off getting angry with me? How does she blame me for ruining our marriage because I caught her having multiple affairs? Can anyone help here?

Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 1,526
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 1,526
I just have to wonder what 7 things she would be willing to do for you so you *maybe won't be angry with her*.<P>I'm sorry John but it sounds like your w is living in lalaland. Yes she wants to be trusted, but trust can only be given freely once, if it is broken then it must be earned.<P>It is one thing to have male friends that are also your h's friends, it is quite another to have male friends you see alone and then to lie about it.<P>Only you know how much you can take. Maybe plan b is in order since you are already seperated. As I said you know how much you can take. <P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

Joined: Dec 1998
Posts: 126
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 1998
Posts: 126
Well Deb,<BR>I have just about had my fill. This last weekend, I bought her mother a ticket to come up to visit for the weekend. I went out with the two of them and bought $300 worth of groceries to feed them and my daughter. Her mother had the gall to go home and tell her family that I was starving my wife to death, that I was not helping her out at all, and to top it all, she didn't even say thank you for the ticket. So I'm just kindof sounding off. I love the woman my wife used to be. I despise the person she has become, but had hoped she might see what was happening and change. But her mother, instead of helping her, just believes every piece of garbage she tells about me and spreads it like a disease through the family. There is only one person in the family who really knows what is going on, and that is because she has seen with her own eyes that what I have said is true and that what her sister is doing is a lie. But her sister hangs up on her when she tries to address the issues with her and says that she is siding on my side. Even though her own sister was invited to my wife's apartment over Christmas and watched her making all kinds of plans with several different men. Oh well. This heart has been so hurt...because I was so much in love with my wife. It makes it hard to go on.

Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,457
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,457
John the woman you once loved is gone. The description of this person is a very selfish and mean spirited individual. My guess is that it is a matter of time before she contacts some sexually transmitted disease.<BR>You will go crazy if you let her attempt to manipulate your life. You deserve someone you can love and respect and who can love and respect you. This woman is incapable of doing <BR>this. I suggest that you move on and find someone who will elevate your life. Your wife <BR>is a nightmare and a nightmare will end when you wake up and see the light. I wish you luck.

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 101
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 101
John, <P> I am in total agreement with Deb, and Bry.<BR> It sounds to me like she is from an extremely, DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY!!<P> My D left her H for another boy. He has custody of the children. But I do not support her decision. I love her and my SIL.<BR>She is just displaying the usual A Fog. The person she is with is a boy, 21 year old. She is 25. He not M. My D will "WAKE UP"<P> Your W has gone way over the edge. What Happened?????<P> <P> <P>------------------<BR>Deb

Joined: Dec 1998
Posts: 126
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 1998
Posts: 126
Deb,<P>What happened I don't really know. All I know is that my wife kept denying that she was seeing anyone seriously, but my research was telling me otherwise. During this time,the last two and a half years, My wife went from seeing one guy to several guys. None of them are aware of the others except me. I even tried to wake a few of them up, but they didn't believe me but believed her instead, because she seems so fun loving, happy and innocent, there's no way she be could be guilty of the things I have caught her doing. If they only would have checked for themselves. But I gave up trying to warn them. They think I'm the crazy one. But she just smiles at them, coos at them in bed, bats her sultry eyes at them and they melt like goo. I know how it works...it used to work on me.

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 101
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 101
John, <P> I forgot to ask you. Are you praying for her and yourself?? I Prayed earnestly for my husbands happiness, even if it was not with me. Nowing of course that God would would want the best for his children "my H" and of course it would be me. I loved him deeply. 20 years. Our Marriage was based on Christian values... we got lost..... God looked everywere for us. He got our attention again. Thank you Jesus.<P> I prayed in earnest, that if his happiness was not with me, please give me the strength to let him go. It did work!!<BR>God does not lie!!! Please do that for her and you. Amazing peace will come over you if you just give it to God. I forget this sometimes. God gets the message back to you. Be still and you can hear him.<P> Prayers being sent your way. We Christians are Gods messengers. If I forget another one reminds me. Bless you all.<P><P>------------------<BR>Deb

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 101
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 101
John, <P> YA, Laughing on the outside Crying on the inside. I bet she feels worthless. Used and abused woman. Heart breaking isn't it???<P> I have seen the look on my own D face. My poor precious child. Another Born Again Christian. That "prince Of The Earth" sure has been after my family last year. Lets see, my DIL had a PA. She Also Is A Christian. My H had an A. another Christian. And my D. PRAY PRAY PRAY<P>------------------<BR>Deb

Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 5,406
N
NSR Offline
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 5,406
<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000413.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 201</A><P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 236
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 236
John,<P>Looks like you have a clear choice:<BR>1) be a doormat<BR>2) be a healthy human being<P>You will feel better about yourself once you cut off all contact with you wife. Please keep cusody of your child, or shared custody, if at all possible. Forget about what your inlaws think of you.<P>Good luck and God bless.<P>

Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 631
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 631
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>So, anyone have enlightening thoughts on how to deal with a person like this. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Divorce her.<P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
John,<P>After all of this time, I would probably fall into Whodat's camp. I am a strong proponent of rebuilding marriages. But there comes a time when enough is enough. If you have lost love for her, and tried everything here, then I say at minimum Plan B and probably move on to divorce. <P>I am sorry to say this but that is what I think.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Joined: Dec 1998
Posts: 126
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 1998
Posts: 126
What I see is a woman who's humanity and soul seem to be fading with time as she falls deeper and deeper into being deceived by believing her own lies. From time to time I see the warm friendly caring woman I first met...but most of the time I see someone who cares only for herself first, and doesn't even see it. There are moments, just moments, when I think she is going to revert to her old self. But someone out there is steering her in the wrong direction.<BR>It hurts me to see her like this. Oh well.

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 388
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 388
John<BR>With all due respect, your wife is a human trampoline. I don't know how you could even consider anything but forgetting you ever saw<BR>her face in the first place. Get yourself a good woman who loves and respects you and<BR>wash that tramp and the Addams family right out of your life. She deserves nothing but the worst in life. I hope she gets a disease.

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 101
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 101
<P> I pray she reclaims her lost soul.<P>------------------<BR>Deb

Joined: May 1999
Posts: 827
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 827
Hey John,<P>She's asked these conditions of you cause she feels guilty and wants to hide it all from you.<P>My suggestion... let it go. Let it all go. Instead of chasing, sit back and wait for her to chase you. Trust me I know how hard this sounds... it's even harder to do. Give her some time and I'd be willing to bet see notices that you are not chasing.<P>Sit back. If you find yourself eating away inside, go for a walk, take a drive, find something else to concentrate on. but if you do go out, DO NOT go by anywhere that you may think she's at. If you do, it defeats the purpose. I know it sounds to hard to do but if you just let go, she WILL notice.<P>She likes the chase, if you stop, it won't be fun anymore. Try to think of it as small steps. If you think you can't not chase, even if you are not but she thinks you are, think of somethign to do to get past this moment of asking her who she was with or where she was. Just get by that one moment. When something else happens that burns you, let it go, get past it. Itmeans nothing (right now). If she feels like you are not checking up on her, she's going to ask herself why. She might even ask you. Be ready for it.<P>Hang tough and I hope I didn't overstep here.<P>Steve

Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 54
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 54
I think you've done everything in your power that you can to help your wife. Please don't let her bring you down, she will need to realize that she needs help before any changes can be made.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Kayleigh (edited February 24, 2001).]

Joined: Dec 1998
Posts: 126
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 1998
Posts: 126
Thanks to all of you for your advice. I haven't heard one person say "Hang in the a little longer, Friday's coming!" So I guess in everyone's experience, Friday never seems to arrive in these situations.<P>I made her a part of my heart. It's hard to let go, even though I know I don't really have a choice. Thank you all again for your advice.

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 188
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 188
From the looks of things, it appears you need to do some big time self-esteem checking. How can someone be attracted to someone does not love him anymore? There are "bad" people in this world and there is no trick to understanding them. Bad people do bad things. Accept that and permanently separate yourself from her. Move on and save yourself.

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 101
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 101
Hi,<P> Yhere are no bad people, just unsaved ones. Pray for her<P>------------------<BR>Deb

Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,254 guests, and 50 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5