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i would probably agree with you.<BR>good luck!<P>EPD, Ego Personality Disorder sounds most likely! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>However, time to end this thread. no more.<BR>have to get past the frustration.<P>tom<BR><p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited March 13, 2001).]

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You know sometimes it is very difficult to remember what it is like to be a kid. I can't relate to being a kid of divorce because I wasn't. I feel guilty every day because my kids are.<P>I can relate to your wanting the best for them, but right now, in the midst of all this mess in their lives, they are most likely suffering much more than you or your W. Kids don't know how to express themselves like adults and therefore, will act out. Their whole world is altered. Kids need security...when parents divorce, their world crumbles.<P>I have two children who were very good students, who played sports, and were polite...good kids. Since all of this domestic stuff has happened, I have a 14 year old who has lost his will to play sports, to go to school, to do just about anything but be mad at me. My 11 year old has problems concentrating and has developed habits that boarder on obsessive/compuslive. I have both going to counseling, which doesn't seem to help. I have now been told to have them evaluated by an adolescent psychiastrist. I barely sleep at night worrying about them. My younger son witnessed a lot of the abuse from my husband...I just pray that in time, they will be okay.<P>I wish my only problem with my kids was getting them into a prep school...right now, I'm happy when they go to school and actually do their work. <P>Talk to your kids...and don't harp on them about grades...most likely they don't care and will act out against you and your Wife; afterall you two are responsible for turning their lives upside down...kids don't care about what reasons you have. <P><p>[This message has been edited by Lonelysoul (edited March 14, 2001).]

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Alright,<P> Who has my H?? He is OK too. Everyone else is crazy. I am the controlling one he is the codependant!!!!!!!!!! We talk in circles. I give it up in favor of a divorce. Everything is my fault. Even his affair???????<P>------------------<BR>Deb

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Susan,<P>thanks for your suggestion. i will try to do it. i have a much better attitude today, and will improve tomorrow. i just have alot of limbo land to clean up in my life, and it is taking a toll on me, that's all.<P>the counselor said that they are doing well. it is not the kids that burns me, its their mom. and she is open to reading from me, i think, as long as she doesn't have to save face by disagreeing or get defensive.<P>I just had a bad reaction to 7 hours together with X at a child's birthday party, and two more at a family birthday party. i say very little to the kids about X other than we had fun together. and i am sure that confuses them, but its better than anger and hatred. I say very little to X when i am in the vicinity. most times when i do talk, it is humorful and light. anything other than that would piss me off.<P>I also look like the bad guy, so they are mad at me, but have a hard time expressing it directly, and do it indirectly.<P>thanks for your thoughts. my kids also have the same problem with sports and activities, but then again, X does not encourage them, but accepts their reluctance, even if it would be better for them.<P>tom<P>

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Tom:<P>I know how hard it is to be civil when you are going through a divorce...I would imagine your W is feeling angry too.<P>It has been assumed by many that who ever leaves should be fine with the divorce. My H tells me this all the time...he asks what is wrong with me...I'm getting what I want? He also blames me for the kids grades, and their bad attitudes...there is a restraining order against my H, so I have soul custody. Though perhaps in your case, your W may be constributing...what you have described seems pretty normal. As I mentioned, sometimes kids use whatever vehicle they have to protect themselves when they feel their security being threatened; often it is controlling what they can, grades, behavior, mouthing back, eating, etc.<P>I imagine what I am saying is that the entire situation is lousy on all fronts. In some ways, I'm lucky..I have very limited contact with my stbxh.<P>I'm glad you are feeling better.<P>Susan<BR>[

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Tom, I'm glad you are feeling better too.<P>Susan, I'm sorry your kids are having a difficult time and that counseling is not helping. My kids are having a rough time, but their counseling is helping.<P>I really lucked out in that area. She is a play therapist and the kids work out a lot of their issues via that medium. They paint, play in sand, clay etc.<P>The counselor sees a lot in their activities. Particularly for my son...who holds a lot in....<P>I am definately not one to push my religious beliefs on anyone...(Catholic), but for me, strengthening my kids faith in something "bigger" than themselves has also worked. (for me too). I sometimes wonder if that is what is truly missing in our society (faith in a "higher being"). I have tried to instill the idea in my kids that we can't always predict or control the events in our lives, but that we need to have the faith that there is someone else's truths to rely on. I am trying to get my children (and myself I guess) to redefine this crisis in a nonjudgmental and more accepting way. <P>It is a struggle to send the message that they should be responsible to their dad, but not for their dad. We want them to love their parent but not necessarily imitate their coping patterns (or dysfunctions).

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Susan,<P>your situation is much more dire than mine. you and your kids are in my thoughts.<P>As i read your posts here, you are a very non-judgemental person, which is great, <B> under most circumstances. </B> Are the kids being confused by this and your "judgement" that your husband is not acceptable? and this is not meant to be a criticism, just something to contemplate. It is one of those oxymorons which can subconsciously confuse people. in other words, you were great, never judged your H in front of your kids, and now have split it up? <B> and your non judgemental attitude would be perfect under an ideal, loving situation. don't get me wrong, you work with divorced people, and try to steering them in the right directions </B><P>are you giving your kids enough consistent information to understand that you were loving for so long, but dad needs help because of the physical stuff? etc? that at some point, you couldn't tolerate it any longer? etc, etc, etc.<P>and this is meant to provoke some thoughts, not criticize you in the least. just wondering if there is anything about your messages you can improve, that you haven't thought about, or haven't been consistent with.<P>let me say that my messages were mostly consistent, just not enough messages were presented to the kids.<P>peace,<P>tom

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Tom:<P>I don't like to blame; I don't, but I believe most of my kids problems are due to my H's behavior. I am sure I have not behaved wonderfully through all of this, but I have tried.<P>To be as brief as possible, my spouse has been chronically ill for about 11 years. In that period of time, he became more controlling...and because of the illness, I pretty much did everything. Back in 1999, when things between us were really at an all time low, I started writing to someone I met on the internet and found myself in an intense EA with someone I never laid eyes on. My H found out and in front of the kids behaved like a lunatic. He called me every name you can think of told the kids all kinds of terrible things. The EA ended, but my H wouldn't stop his off the wall behavior. He crossed so many boundries...I was sick. He actually took my private journal, scanned the pages on a disk and threatened to show the kids...<P>Anyway, my younger son was often awoken in the wee hours of the morning hearing their father come into my room and start screaming some pretty damaging stuff. I didn't commit adultery...I never left the house; yet my H told the kids I was the slut of the century. Even if it were true, you don't tell your 11 and 14 year old sons that about their mother. <P>My H followed my every move. In the summer he learned I had met someone...not on a date, just a friend, and he told the children I was out with an OM. He then called this person on the phone. The crowning moment was when he choked me in front of my kids and screamed that I was.....well, I can't repeat the strong words he used.<P>His behavior was so bad that the court had supervised visitation for awhile. He continually tells the kids that the divorce is all my fault, he doesn't want the divorce, he loves me and is willing to do whatever it takes. This confuses the kids. They don't understand that their Dad has some serious issues. He is their Dad, so what he says must be true. <P>For a long time, my kids would freak out if they saw me on the computer. They, couldn't understand why their father would lie, so I must be doing all of the horrible things I was accused of....yet, I never went out....or had men over...I worked and was home. <P>The counseling is helping some...but my oldest is suffering from depression. I was told it also could be adolescence too. The younger one is very clingy...<P>I know, I have tried to be supportive and constant, but it is hard because my own emotions have been a little out of sorts. I know you are not suppose to cry in front of the kids, but I have. I try very hard not to say bad things about my H. Basically, I just say...he has problems and needs help. <P>I know eventually, things will even out. It has been a bad 15 months, but I will do what I need to do to get to the other side.<P>Susan<P>

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