Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 571
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 571
Hello MB Family,<P>Hmmm, I don't really know where to begin...<P>Ok, let me just say I feel absolutely great [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] It's appraoaching 2 years next month that I have been seperated. Nope, neither of us have filed yet. We are still seperated by state as well. He's come to visit the children recently and calls regularly. It seems as if we are developing a friendship. We don't even argue at all. We do not talk about us at all, I guess it because there isn't really an 'us'. ANd that doesn't bother me. Because most importantly you guys, THE PAIN IS GONE!!! I don't know where it is, but thank God it's gone. <P>He says that he's not seeing anyone (he offered this info without my asking) and to tell you the truth, it wouldn't bother me if he was. I am NOT seeing anyone still and still counting the months (going on year) of celibacy. WHEW!! I tell ya', I do miss sex. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] We've pretty much agreed that we wil always be special to one another and we will always be there for one another no matter who we are with. We are each other's first love so I guess that's something we just cant forget or put totally behind us.<P>When it comes to the divorce, I really can't tell you why I haven't filed myself; Only that since he wanted it, he should be the one to file and pay for it. Now as for why he hasn't filed, only he could tell you that because I really don't know and I'm not wating my time trying to figure it out. All I know is that I'm enjoying my career and my two young children.<P>Recently I got to meet John Travolta. Yep, the infamous John Travolta. He's a cutie in person, but I have a thing about heads and his is sort of huge, LOL. But he was very nice. They're filming a movie here and needed officers for security and traffic control. SOme of the easiest overtime you could imagine, not to mention the free food. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>My 2 and half year old daughter is potty trained. Ok, maybe that's not so important to you guys but to me it's a major accomplishment. And my four month old baby boy sleeps during the night. That make my life a whole lot easier. He's cooing and smiling at me all the time. I really don't know what I would do without them in my life.<P>I've been out in group settings and it feels good. I feel more comfortable that way. I drive there myself, have a great time with both female and MALE company, and then I go home alone (unless I need a designated driver,lol). But don't confuse that with lonely, because I'm NOT. <P>Now, you know I can't just write without asking your opinions on something. I went to a friend of mines babyshower, the first coed babyshower I ever went to by the way. But anyways, I met one of her brothers that I never met. He's very handsome and he had a nice sense of humor. He has a son and I believe he never was married or he maybe divorced. Anyways, I had a great time at the babyshower. We didn't talk much at all directly to one another but he really seemed like the type of person I could hang out with. Just the other the day my friend told me that he inquired about me. That sort of suprises me being that I had my two kids with me. But anyways, I told her that I'd get back to her.<P>Now for my questions...<P>I'm interested, but don't know if I'm ready, but how can I find out? Now this may really sound awful, but I'll be truthful... I don't want a relationship right now, and was considering a "maintenance man" (if you get what I mean), and he would definitely fit the criteria. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] So do you think if he's willing to do a "no strings attached" sort of thing, should I go for it? But then what if I get feelings and he doesn't? Or what if he does and I don't? Then what about the whole thing about dating a friends relative? Plus I don't plan on being in this state past two years, because I plan on moving back to my home state in Florida. I dunno. I'm really comfortable with how things are, me being by myself and all. And I know this is not something that I NEED, but I desire sex. I know I'm being blunt, but hopefully I don't sound shallow. ANyways if you all have any ideas or thoughts... I welcome any contructive critisizm. (did I spell that right?)<P>Thanks guys and gals..<BR> <BR> <P>------------------<BR><B>God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com<p>[This message has been edited by jamie-lee (edited March 11, 2001).]

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 600
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 600
Hi Jamie Lee,<P>I was wondering when you would pop up a thread again. As usual, I enjoyed your post. You really sound wonderful!<P>Your question on relationships, considering that neither of you has filed for divorce is a deep one. For what ever reason, neither of you has decided to pull the plug yet. Almost seems like neither of you really needs a divorce right now. Don't kid yourself about it not bothering you when it happens. Maybe not for long, but it will affect you.<P>My point of view is from a different age, I'll be 59 this summer, and my hormones don't drive me quite as crazy as they used to. Girl, I have already had all the one night stands and cheap shoddy affairs that any one person should be allowed to have in one lifetime. Most of them didn't amount to much more than two lonely people who needed to get in out of the cold for a few days or weeks. And as each one wound down, it had its own little sting to it.<P><B>"There is no relationship that demands more of a person than the one with "No Strings Attached".</B>.....Ozymandias<P>Just some thoughts. Hope the kids are all well!<P>Bumper<P>

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,089
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,089
Hi Jaimie-Lee,<P>good to hear from you. I had been wondering about you and how you were going.<P>Your babies sound wonderful. It IS a wonderful accomplishment when they are potty trained. They are so proud of themselves, and that always makes me smile. And a baby sleeping through the night is like winning tattslotto. Especially for us single mums......... who have to do it all by ourselves. We could get a little baby forum going here...... I love talking about my 2 girls.<P>Anyway, my thoughts on your 'situation'. For what they are worth. And just remember you are my friend, so all is said with love.<P>It sounds like you're ready to move on. And I understand the bit about he should file and pay, if he is the one that wants the divorce. However, and I speak from experience here, are you sure you're not hanging on??? While the divorce is not filed for, you still have an emotional attachment. You are still 'married'. And that little word in my mind (when I played it over and over) still had all the usual feelings and attachments that went with it. The fact that it didn't for my ex was irrevelant. To me, I was still married.<P>Now, Sex....... ahhhhh yes, sex, I think I can remember!!!!<P>In my mind, I firmly believe in each to their own, and as long as you're not hurting anyone else, it's ok.<P>It sounds as tho you may be putting your big toe back in the dating arena, and this friend's brother has taken a nibble.!!!!!!! Don't know where these fishing-ism's are coming from this morning!!<P>That's ok. As long as he knows that you are emotionally vulnerable right now, and would like to take things slow. I don't know that there ever is a right or wrong time for dating to begin, it just DOES. It just happens. We need to rely on our intuition, and our gut feelings. If it feels right, then continue slowly. If it doesn't feel right, or something is wrong, have the strength to say so, and stop it before it (the relationship) goes too far.<P>I personally don't have sex on the first date, or even the second, (well, I never used to, don't know what will happen now tee hee) because I like to get to know someone a little bit before that happens. I could think of nothing worse than waking up in the morning thinking "OMG, this, and that, was awful".<P>I say, after all that waffle, meet with him, and get to know him a little. Just have a coffee in a coffee shop. And then take it from there.<P>Give him complete honesty, ie, about your not wanting to live where you are for ever, and that you are separated, and then see what happens.<P>We can't lock ourselves away for ever. There's nothing wrong with what you want. Either the relationship bit, or the 'just sex' bit. As long as he knows where he stands. As long as you're honest with him. You are two adults, and if it's to be 'just sex' then you are two consenting adults who both know where it is that you BOTH stand. And that to me is not dishonest. Or shallow. <P>I hope no-one out there thinks that I advocate cheap one night stands. I don't. What I don't have a problem with is sex/making love between 2 consenting adults, where neither is getting hurt.<P>I know a lot of people will probably hate what I am saying. Please believe me, I don't like cheap shallow sex, and I don't do it. I don't think Jamie-lee wants that either. The fact that she is asking the question indicates she isn't just a scrag looking for a one night stand.<P>So back to where I stand. Meet with him Jaimie-lee, and see what he's like. And then take it from there.<P>good luck, and let me know<P>big hugs to you girl<P>Jo<P>(romsey@one.net.au) if you need to talk

Joined: May 1999
Posts: 1,365
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 1,365
Hey Jo,<P>What do you mean that you don't put out on the first date? Or was I different? Just kidding, our secret, k? AND once again, I don't have a dish washer, stop putting them in the oven!!!!!<P>Hey Jamie-Lee,<P>I think you know what to do. Just looking for our ok, well you got it. Life is just too damn short. Go for it!! I would get the D going thou. <P>Neither Val nor I wanted it, but, it had to be done. She is bumming now, sucks to be her. Life is going so well for me now. She complains about not having money, too bad, that was her choice. Let's see if Brian can pull a rabbit out of a hat like Zippy can.<P>Sorry for the mini vent. I hope you find happiness like I have.<P>It's time for Jaimie-Lee now.<P>The Pinhead. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 6,107
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 6,107
Hello Beautiful!!<P>I'm happy to read of your... well... happiness!!<P>About your maintenance man: I am in no position to offer advice, although I think you know what I'd say...<P>You know what's best for you. Be sure you can live in your skin no matter what decision you make, okay? <P>Love ya, Sheryl

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 1,887
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 1,887
I don't know you or your story, jamie-lee, and I probably shouldn't say anything. But I will anyway, since I feel so strongly about it, since the flashing red lights are so bright and the sirens are so loud...<P>I think pursuing your "maintenance man" would be a big mistake. I think the unattached strings would come back to haunt you.<BR>

Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 571
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 571
<B>Bumper</B><P>Nice to see you!!!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>You really sound wonderful!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks, I really do feel great.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> For what ever reason, neither of you has decided to pull the plug yet. Almost seems like neither of you really needs a divorce right now. Don't kid yourself about it not bothering you when it happens. Maybe not for long, but it will affect you.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You may be absolutely right. But he gives me no reason to hang on anymore. For the first time in a long time, I've been happy and its not because of him or anyone else. It's because I feel complete within myself. I guess when the divorce does happen, it may put me at a setback, but like you said, I don't think it will be for long. <P>You know how when someone gets diagnosed with a terminal illness you prepare for their death long before it happens. That's sort of how I feel when it comes to my marriage. My stbx has finally convinced me (since I was so hooked on chaining him to this marriage even though at the time it wasn't healthy), that this marriage is over. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"There is no relationship that demands more of a person than the one with "No Strings Attached"......Ozymandias<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hmmm....(jamie-lee with her finger in her mouth and smoke coming from her head from thinking to hard [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] ) I never heard that one before, but it does make since. <P><B>Jo</B><P>how good it is to see you here. You sound great yourself, by the way. How are your girls? I know one of your girls is around my daughter's age. Aren't they like little grown people with sooo much personality? Gosh it's nothing like being a mom. I love it.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It sounds like you're ready to move on. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think I have, not with anyone else, but just with my life in general. I use to make every decision with 'us' in mind, but now I only think of the kids and myself. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...are you sure you're not hanging on??? While the divorce is not filed for, you still have an emotional attachment. You are still 'married'. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>As far as me hanging on...hmmm, I don't think so, but I guess I am in a sense that I had to think about it before I responded. But I just don't feel like I use to. He use to be the reason for my joy when we were together and when we were seperated, he was the cause of all my pain and depression. Finally I am in control of my own emotions and destiny and no longer dependent on him for emotional support. <P>But you couldn't be more right, I am still 'married'. There's really no if, ands, or buts about it.<P>Now as far as the 'maintenance' thing. Personally, I stand with you as far as not having sex on the first date or the second. I was sort of thinking to go along the lines of what you mentioned. I was thinking meeting for coffee at one of the bagel shops, maybe even while we were both working, so they're wouldn't be an opportunity to cap off the 'date' with hopping in the sack. Then after feeling him out (not literally, though I would want to [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] ) and being open about my current situation, I would see if he was willing. As far as what my friends says, he is not seeing anyone, but ofcourse that's something I'll have to hear from him. If there is the slightest chance of hurting someone else, I will definitely not do it. Plus this may never be an issue if he refuses to get blood tests before we do anything. Yep, I'm one of those conscious people, who has to look at 'it' with the lights on first...lol [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Who knows, but I'll keep you filled in!<P><B>Tim</B><P>Jo's gonna get you, lol [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>ANyways nice to hear from you and Congrats on your new found happines. Gosh do I remember reading your posts and thinking, when is this Val chick gonna wake up. Oh well, her lost, your gain.<P>I was thinking to file, but I really don't think I should be the one to do so. Maybe that's kinda of irrelevant or chidish nonetheless, but he's the one that wanted it, so let him PAY. I dunno. We'll see. We haven't even talked about it in so long.<P>But like you said.... It's definitely my time now.<P><B>Sheryl</B><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Be sure you can live in your skin no matter what decision you make, okay? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I guess I have some thinking to do, but honestly I really am leaning towards going out with him. I so curious. I've been approached by some nice men, a couple of them were really 'my taste' and it was so easy to blow them off being that I wasn't ready. FOr some reason, it's not so easy to blow off with this guy. ANd I've only been in his presence one time. I'm still not absolutely sure, but I think if I go out, I may just find out if I am.<P><B>GnomeDePlume</B><BR> <BR>You sure you're not seeing flashing red lights and hearing sirens because I'm a cop [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Okay I was trying to make a funny. But anyways I appreciate, your concern and your advice. You may be right about this coming back to haunt me. But I'm not sure if it would, if the both of us are completely aware of the ground rules beforehand. I'll definitely have to think this over though.<P><BR>A few more thoughts...<BR>Could be that I am ready to enter a relationship, but don't want to put the label on it because I'm so afraid of failure? Or could it be in the back of my head, I'm thinking about the "what ifs' of my fatal marriage? <P><BR><P>------------------<BR><B>God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 1,887
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 1,887
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by jamie-lee:<BR><B>You sure you're not seeing flashing red lights and hearing sirens because I'm a cop [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>OK, I confess, that had a little bit to do with it. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] But only in my choice of metaphor...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>You may be right about this coming back to haunt me. But I'm not sure if it would, if the both of us are completely aware of the ground rules beforehand. I'll definitely have to think this over though.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The problem is, one's conscience and emotions are not obliged to abide by rules established by one's intellect. Trying to keep your eyes open when you walk into a fire isn't necessarily going to keep you from getting burned. (There, I've changed the metaphor! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] )<BR>

Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 798
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 798
<BR>jamie-lee,<P>This unwillingness to file is very peculiar, as if someone isn't showing all their cards. If the marriage is over and you want to become sexually active with someone else, I think you owe it to yourself and your husband to get a divorce. The simple fact is that even an "exit affair" is still an affair. And I really question your spin that this could remain emotionally empty sex. It doesn't work that way, IMO.<P>Bystander

Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 571
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 571
<B>GnomeDePlume</B><P>You know I probably am fooling myself in saying that I will go into this without emotion. I've never done such a thing and besides most women when they are intimate, gain some feelings, at least the ones with morals anyhow. And I do consider myself a woman of integrity. Men on the other hand, and I'm assuming being that I'm not a man, seem as if they are able to do this quite easily. At least that's how it appears....<P><B>Bystander</B><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>This unwillingness to file is very peculiar, as if someone isn't showing all their cards. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Who? Him? And what exactly do you mean? I believe I have been quite clear and totally honest.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If the marriage is over and you want to become sexually active with someone else, I think you owe it to yourself and your husband to get a divorce. The simple fact is that even an "exit affair" is still an affair<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I believe the marriage is over. I've made every attempt even to reconcile to no avail. And he shows no signs of coming of coming around. As far as me owing anything, (really not trying to sound rude here, because I value your opinion and directness), I owe nothing to him. Absolutely nothing. Maybe I owe this to myself, but I just don't think I should file being that he's the one that wanted this. I will not give him the satisfaction of saying that "she's the one that filed". And though we are on very good terms right now, he still needs to take responsibility for his part in the fatality of this marriage, something he has NEVER done. My stbx says he's not seeing anyone, but that's exactly what he told me when he has the last 3 affairs that he so happen to confess to. But anyways, I'm past that and he says he is past the one night stand of mine. <P>Yes, if I decided to do such a thing, it would technically be an affair, so maybe I should hold off as far as the "sex" goes. I can't absolutely say that I will. I'm not a shallow individual, I really hope you don't believe that I am, but it is an emotional need of mine, that has really been creeping to the surface. And my pockets are getting quite light from the trips to the store [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I question if it can remain emotionally empty as well. I guess that's why I asked so many questions and everyones opinion on the matter. I think that if I go out with this guy(without having sex), I will tell me where exactly it is I am located. If I feel guilty just for going out with him, then I know that somewhere I still have attachment to my stbx. If I don't, then maybe I will file. <P>The main reason I don't want a relationship is because I really can't say that I ever want to be married again. I know I'm still young and this perception may change, but I don't want to be in relationship after relationship, therefore if I never label the relationship, maybe I won't percieve it to be another failure. I know this may sound strange, but it is how I feel.

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,089
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,089
Hi Jaimie Lee<P>oh boy is Medic gonna get it!!!!!!!!!!!<P>What you said in your previous post, just before mine, really hit the nail on the head. If you don't call it a relationship, then it's not........ If you don't label it, then it's not 'anything'.......<P>I understand so completely where you're coming from, but, that is your defence mechanism coming into play ......<P>Of course you are going to be nervous about dating again. You have to go through the process of finding all about someone new, whereas you had already done that with your H. That is the scary part. Doing all that again. But it's also the exciting part too. Don't forget that... You have the chance to have all those tingly warm fuzzy feelings again.<BR>And the excitement of someone who may share your sense of humour, like what you like etc etc etc.<P>But, again, I come back to the fact that you are not divorced. This is what I did. My ex-h kept telling me he didn't want the divorce, but that his heart wasn't in trying to make our marriage work. (Go figure!!!) He wouldn't give up his gf or his single life. So what choice did I have. So, I discussed it with him, told him I was going to file, but asked if he would pay half, seeing he didn't want the marriage to continue and wasn't prepared to try and reconcile. Luckily, he agreed. And he did pay.<BR>Could you maybe try this seeing as you are still on quite good terms with him?<P>I understand the bit about wanting him to file and pay. I really do. But I know for me personally, I had had enough and I wanted/needed some closure. My divorce gave me that.<P>Anyway, enough of me and my situation. You go for it girl. This guy is obviously very appealing to you, and you need to find out why. And you're right about one thing. Dating him may help you sort out your feelings where your H is concerned. And that can only be good, one way or the other. I say (again) go for coffee. Spend a little time with him. And **try** and hold off on the sex........<BR>If it's meant to be, it will be, and the sex will be mindblowing.......!!!!!!!!!<P>Sorry, off on a tangent here, I think I'm remembering sssex....<P>god, even my stutter is coming back!!!!!!!! tee hee<P>Keep me posted, and you've got my email<P>big hugs<P>Jo<P>ps have to go get ready for work now. Won't get back til 11.30 pm and I'll try and check back in then<P>

Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 798
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 798
<BR>jamie-lee opines:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>As far as me owing anything, (really not trying to sound rude here, because I value your opinion and directness), I owe nothing to him. Absolutely nothing.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Don't you? He's still your husband, and you are openly discussing the possibility of extramarital sex without his consent. Did you and your husband agree to such extramarital sex during your separation, or is this a unilateral decision on your part?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Maybe I owe this to myself, but I just don't think I should file being that he's the one that wanted this. I will not give him the satisfaction of saying that "she's the one that filed".<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So instead you're going to let him label you a serial cheater? And its not enough for you to retort that "he did it, too." Infidelity is about your integrity, jamie-lee. After all, YOU are the one who is talking about breaking wedding vows here, not your husband.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>And though we are on very good terms right now, he still needs to take responsibility for his part in the fatality of this marriage, something he has NEVER done. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You know something? The fact that you're scorekeeping tells me that your marriage isn't really over. Marriages are really dead when there's nothing left but indifference. And you aren't even close to that point IMO.<P>Bystander

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 2,347
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 2,347
Jo,<P>I have been beating my brains in trying to figur out how my dishes keep getting placed in the oven?? And how do Zippy's get in his?? Are you not telling me something???<P>Jamie-Lee,<P>I have had fleeting thoughts aqbout finding some lascivious hottie and being her "booty call". But I don't think I could do it. Years ago all I ever thought about was getting my ashes hauled by whomever I could get to hold still for 30 seconds. Now I find myself desireing something with feelings behind it. I do know that I still have a lot emotionaly to deal with before getting into a relationship of any sorts. And besides all that I know ZERO available women. Hell I can't even scrape up a date for the Phantom of tthe Opera. I have great tickets and the show is friday and I have no date!! GADS...<P>Anyhoo...Just be very careful and I suggest getting divorced first. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Bill

Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 571
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 571
Bystander, <P>I am somewhat offended by the serial cheater comment. That hurts. And it hits a very sore spot with me. Yes I had a one night stand in 1997. And it is 2001. Why is it that you define this as my character? I make no justifications for my actions, never have never will. I was and still am extremely remorseful for that decision. But I guess to you that is what I am. Despite the fact how hard I tried to reconcile things with my H. I didn't think you felt that way about me.<P><BR>My H has since dated and still continues to speak to those he 'cheated' with( so who's breaking marriage vows__HIM). He told me plenty of times to date and that he wished I would find someone who would treat me right. He told me that though we didn't have the legal paperwork that 'spiritually' we were divorced and he has detacthed himself from me long time ago. He said that he didn't not consider his actions to be cheating since he had told me long before that he wanted a divorce beforehand. I guess that's why he still remained intimate with me while he engaged in these activities. I never took him up on dating, because of the mere fact that I still loved him. Now I don't feel anything for anyone.<P>So why don't I file? I don't know, other than for what I've already stated. But why doesn't he?<P>Now after almost three years of punishment and three PA's and maybe a handful of EA's committed by stbx, my feeling have become quite numb. No I don't play a blame game. ANd in no way I am scorekeeping, I am just being honest about what I did and also what he did to me. <P>And no I am not absolutley sure what the future holds for this 'marriage'. And no I'm not sure what I want to do as far as meeting with this guy, I was merely trying to be open about how I was FEELING, before I actually did anything. I didn't know that I was going to be judged by my past. <P>Maybe you didn't mean to offend me, but I have worked so hard to regain self confidence and esteem and I felt that that comment, took some of that away from me. Do you know how bad I felt about that one night stand. My guilt and remorse almost cost me my life and could have severely compromised my career. I don't need that thrown in my face by anyone. ANd as much as I respect you and always hoped that you responded to my posts, I must say that I was actually hurt to think YOU would say something like that to me. And I'm not thin skinned. <P>I guess if I decided to just go out with this guy to see were my heart is makes me a cheater, a serial cheater at that? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Bill,<P>Nice to hear from you. I cna't believe you don't have a date for this Friday. Are the women in that part of NC BLIND. ANyways, I started this thread because I needed to get these feelings off my chest. I am at a weird state in my life. I am happy with the way things are in my life, but yet to actually file and make things final, I'm afraid to do. I guess its the feeling of failure and removing myself from my comfort zone. I guess I'm just afraid of change, but anyways, this really is making me think I need to file. <P>Hope all is well with you and Abby!! <P>------------------<BR><B>God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com<P>[This message has been edited by jamie-lee (edited March 13, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by jamie-lee (edited March 13, 2001).]

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 1,887
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 1,887
OK, the red lights really are flashing now, jamie-lee.<P>First, Bystander did not call you a serial cheater. He merely pointed out that you were talking about opening the door to giving your <I>husband</I> the opportunity to apply that label. And even though Bystander acknowledged the possibility that your husband consented to your engaging in extramarital sex, I think you ought to consider the very real possibility that your husband would hold it against you if you <I>did</I> it. No, it's not fair and it's not rational, but what else is new?<P>Read Bystander's post again. I don't see anything judgmental in his post, and the fact that you did see it that way is a huge warning flag all by itself.<P>Also, the severity of your feelings of guilt and remorse from your one-night stand of the past suggests that you would be taking a <I>huge</I> risk by acting on your current inclinations, especially since you admit that you aren't sure what the future holds for your marriage.<P>You say you are happy with the way things are in your life now. So why would you want to take that kind of risk?<BR>

Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 571
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 571
GNomeDePlume<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Bystander did not call you a serial cheater. He merely pointed out that you were talking about opening the door to giving your husband the opportunity to apply that label.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Okay, no he did not directly say that, but I felt that it was implied in a sense that he too felt that way. Maybe it wasn't, but it's how I felt. <P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Read Bystander's post again. I don't see anything judgmental in his post, and the fact that you did see it that way is a huge warning flag all by itself.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If someone were to bring up your past or not even that, but if some accussed of 'scorekeeping' wouldn't that sort of get you on the defensive. If I was scorekeeping or trying to play a 'payback' game, I would have not just had one night stand. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Also, the severity of your feelings of guilt and remorse from your one-night stand of the past suggests that you would be taking a huge risk by acting on your current inclinations, especially since you admit that you aren't sure what the future holds for your marriage. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>As far as my feelings about "my" mistake in my marriage... No I will never ever forget it. I will always regret it. But I have moved past it, and wish not to deal with it because I will not let that define who I am.<P>But as far as acting on my current feelings, I guess I may to take a step back especially as far as the maintenance thing. Sex is not my top priority and if I made it seem that way, that was not my intentions, however the desrie has been creeping to the surface more often [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>You say you are happy with the way things are in your life now. So why would you want to take that kind of risk?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I am happy. I guess because I was in the company of this man for a mere hour and was very intrigued (sp?) by his character. Like I said before I've had offers prior to this, and throughout my seperation, but I never thought twice to say no. I guess I was wandering why were thing so different now after two years?<P><BR>Bystander, I'm sorry if I took your comment the wrong way, but I would hate to be labeled such a name by anyone. It's all I thought about last night. Who I am today, is a result of all of my past and I would like to believe that I am a woman of integrity!

Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 798
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 798
<BR>jamie-lee,<P>GdePl made the correct inference from what I wrote. I did not call you a serial cheater. I said that you were leaving the door open for your husband to call you that. If your husband did not consent to you having extramarital sex, then its quite possible that he would hold it against you, claims of "spiritual divorce" notwithstanding.<P>As far as scorekeeping goes, you're jumping to the conclusion that the only way to scorekeep is through infidelity. But that's silly, because infidelity is really about your integrity, which is why this discussion of a maintenance man from you surprises me so much. I already know you're not that kind of person.<P>Anyhow, my point is that I don't think your marriage is dead. This is because you're scorekeeping about your H having to be the one to file. If you're indifferent about the marriage (<I>the</I> mark of a dead marriage), you wouldn't care who files. You need him to file to prove a point, to acknowledge some responsibility. And that's scorekeeping IMO.<P>Bystander

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 6,107
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 6,107
Bystander,<P>You said: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If you're indifferent about the marriage (the mark of a dead marriage)...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Take a poll and ask:<P><I>HOW MANY OF YOU DIVORCING/DIVORCED PEOPLE DON'T GIVE A FLYING RAT'S A** ABOUT YOUR STBX/EX AND/OR YOUR PAST MARRIAGE?</I><P>I bet you'd find that nearly everyone DOES indeed give a rat's a**. In my opinion, indifference is not **the** mark of a dead marriage. I know several divorced couples and among ALL of them there is pain, sometimes even years later. Sometimes, despite the lack of indifference, the marriage is indeed dead.<P>Just my nickles worth.<P><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited March 14, 2001).]

Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 571
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 571
Bystander,<P>Thank you for giving me a little clarity. Thanks for being honest and blunt with me even if it did hurt my feelings a little. I would like to have called this a 'loving confrontation'. <P>At this time I have decided that I will not 'date' per se, but will continue to go out as I have in group settings. Therefore not to risking the integrity I have worked so hard to regain. Even if my stbx doesn't live the same standards. I feel this will continue to provide for me the saftey net that I need so I won't find myself in a compromising situation. Moreover I plan on continuing a life of celibacy until I am legally divorced and ready to start a relationship. I guess if I'm afraid to label a relationship because the fear of failure, that I am not near ready to enter any type of agreement with a man. There's really no need for me to open myself up to any unnecessary ties to someone I don't plan on being with. <P>I really appreciate the honesty and opinions of all that replied. I was also thinking that if I went out with this guy alone and liked him, and then I decided to file, it would sort of be like leaving my stbx for another man. But if I recieved the inclination to file without any feelings for anyone, then I will be free to do as I please. Besides if this guy is the guy I am meant to be with, he'll still be there after my divorce, if not, there will be others. But right now, I'll limit it to just friends.<P>So keep me in oyur prayers all of you... I really do love all of you here at MB, well most of you anyway [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>------------------<BR><B>God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 798
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 798
<BR>jamie-lee,<P>You are making the right decisions all the way around now. You said you liked my honesty, so I think I'll forge ahead while I'm at it. I am quite sincere in saying that I don't think your marriage is over. I would agree that given current trajectory, it probably will end, but there's enough of a doubt in my mind (based on your writings) that things could turn around still. I also think that moving to Florida will end your marriage because of reduced contact with your H. Why did your H agree to your moving down there? How can he coparent at such a distance?<P>Bystander

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5