Did something I didn't think I was cable of. I physically threw my x out of the house.<P>She was dropping the kids stuff off and told me she left her schedule for the month. When I mentioned that she was working 2 of the 4 days I was going to be out of town, she said om/h would watch the kids and I said that was unacceptable.<P>It went down hill from there. SHe told me I couldn't tell her what to do in her house and didn't have a say in anything when she had the kids. I was able to maintain my cool.<P>Then she started getting in my face. I started to walk away but she followed and continued to be in my face yelling at me.<P>Then I lost it, next thing I knew, I was strong arming her out the door and against my car, telling her to never come in my house again.<P>The worse part of it was my son saw the whole thing. He threw a basketball at me trying to protect her. God what have I done.<P>I guess I am lucky so far, the police haven't showed up.<P>She did call and appologized for getting in my face and I appologized too. I still can not believe it. I've never snapped like that in over 20 yrs.<P>How can I ever repair the damage I have caused my son, may God forgive me.

((((((((BOB)))))))<P>It sounds like you are pretty upset. Try to calm down a little to think clearly.<P>At least she called to appologize so the police won't be coming. Maybe OM might show up, but not the police.<P>How is she saying it's her house, she's married again?<P>I agree its a bad situation, but try to make it into a learning experience. Sit down and have a talk with your son. I wish I knew his age, I don't know this.<P>But after that, consider talking together with a counselor. It's important for him to know that you made a mistake (don't want him to do that to a girl down the road), and that it won't happen again. A third party might help the conversation, especially a counselor, or maybe if you go to church, go to your pastor. <P>I guess, it's also important to figure out what you can do about these visits with ex, and what to do when you go out of town. Obviously if she won't do you any favors, then dont' do any for her. I doubt there is much you can do about OM watching your kids, if they are married. Are they married? I don't remember.<P>It's been a long year and I have information overload!<P>Good luck, Dana

Bob,<P>show your kids your sorry emotions, and talk to them about making mistakes under stresses, (being self critical to learn from mistakes.) and that everyone is allowed to make a mistake once, and that repentance and apologies are necessary, and that if you make the same mistake twice, then . . . . i don't have an answer.)<P>but also tell you son that a person "can" snap if the people continually violate your space or their space, and that's why peaceful resolutions work, instead of getting in each other faces. there is a fight or flight response, and when cornered, it is a natural response, and can be triggered from continued pressure, and peer pressure is very similar.<P>its called psychological warfare.<P>also, that your mom's affair and leaving hurt you very much, it is a deep hurt, and as a man who is trained not to show hurt, etc. that it is difficult to heal, and it takes a long time.<P>Now, onto you, i think visitation to personal counseling is a consideratino and is worthwhile. at some point, you need to accept what you can control and what you can't. i was all over X in front of a counselor, and i just didn't let up, about what she is doing to the kids. i labeled it passionate about my values, but she labeled it as controlling something that i had no control over.<P>it is the remaining anger to get past, bob, consider talking to someone to finally come to terms with the divorce and its unintented consquences. maybe bring your son to it to show him, that i am not sure about.<P>i actually wanted to speak up about your accepting the OM during the last week, but didn't. I saw some anger building up, and I wish i had, and so now i am. its for you bob, not to give in to the X, but to accept the inevitable.<P>good luck<BR>tom<BR>

Hi RWD,<P>When my x and Mia moved in together (in what was once my home) I was a complete lunatic. How could he have allowed that? I remember going over there and pitching such a hissy fit, and yes in front of my kids, I called him every horrible name in the book. Guess what? It tends to backfire on you. Kids were completely angry with me for losing control with their dad. And it didn't stop them from liking Mia either. They are getting married next summer. (from what I hear) and well, even though I wish I could control who watches my kids and when, the fact is that she will be his wife now. I can't stop that anymore than I can force my kids to hate her. She has never done anything to hurt them. She actually hasn't done anything to hurt me. My x is responsible for his affair that led to our divorce. <P>I guess what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't exert so much negative anger and energy over things you cannot control. Focus on being a good dad and showing you can work with the x-wife, even if it's the hardest thing you've ever done. The kids will be better for it. And about your son forgiving you, be honest with him and tell him you were really angry and lost your temper. And then promise him it will never happen again. (easier said than done,huh?)<P>Take care,<BR>Tanya

Bob,<P>Hey, every screw-up is an opportunity to teach, and to learn. You can discuss this with your son, and let him know how inappropriate your actions were. You've apologized to your wife---which is good.<P>And to reiterate what everyone else has told you, you need to work on letting go of what you can't control. If you can't do it on your own, then get the support of a counselor to give you a hand.<P>God bless. And God forgives you already, BTW...<P>

Thanks for all your replies.<BR>I did speak with my minister friend and am on my way over to see my minister.<P>Everyone so far has indicated that I can use this terrible thing I have done as a teaching moment for my son.<P>Dana, x married om last Dec(on our son's birthday). My s is 10 yo.<P>om/h just called and told me if I every touch x again he will have prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law and in fact was going to file a police report. Don't know how much weight that will bear since he was not a party to the abuse. I do have a call into my lawyer.<P><BR>Thanks for your support, even though I don't deserve it at this time.

{{{{{Bob}}}}}<P>I'm just checking...<P>Doing a quick inspection...<P>Yup--just what I thought. You are a human being! Part of the human condition is making mistakes, and this one was a doozy. But, Bob, it's only a failure if you do not learn from it. <P>This is an excellent opportunity to teach your son several things. First, that people make mistakes, and that when he makes a mistake he needs to learn where he went wrong. Second, that people do lose control sometimes, but that they have to be responsible for their own actions (in other words, you chose to do this--it wasn't that "mom made me do this"). Third, that in our country men are often taught to not show their emotions, but that if you do bottle up your feelings they will explode out. See, Bob, the list goes on and on. <P>Now, regarding yourself and how you will deal with this yourself, this is a toughy. First, I'll tell you that I'm speaking to you from my own personal experience. Like you, I lost it once with my spouse and I slapped him hard across the face after a fight--yes, in front of the kids. Unlike you, the police were called and I was arrested. As you might imagine, this is not behavior I am very proud of, and in fact, I am embarrassed that it ever came to that. BUT, the good news is that I was hit over the head with a frying pan that I was not dealing with my anger very well at all. I did attend a support group for about a year, and I learned a TON about anger and when to express it, how to express it, appropriate ways to express it, and how to recognize that I was about to lose it before I did--so I could avoid it. <P>I agree with Tom on this one. I think it might be a good idea to consider a counselor or an anger management group. Just so you know, I chose a group because I could hear all different kinds of perspectives from other women in situations similar to mine, and I could feel like I wasn't the only person on the planet who lost it. <P>Last, but not least, I'd say forgive yourself for this. It was a mistake, but it was also a wake up call. Now, use the wake up call to it's best advantage. And we will all be here for you, Bob! <P>{{{{{Bob}}}}}<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Bob...<P>You know you are forgiven...<BR>...just because you've asked.<P>I've been where you're at... (minus the strong-arming)<BR>...and my W did file a report.<P>I contacted my attorney...<BR>...and against his suggestion I tried to also file a report... againt my W...<BR>...and what a disaster...<BR>...I was treated as badly as you can by the police.<P>If anything...<BR>...rework the visitation such that it doesn't involve her coming to <B>your</B> house any more...<BR>...of as my W now does...<BR>...she waits outside in the car...<BR>...and I don't leave the front door of my own house.<P>I'm praying she doesn't take this to the extreme...<BR>...that too would reflect badly on her...<BR>...in the eyes of your son.<P>You do have my prayers.<P> <P>Jim

Oh Bob,<P>Yes, you are human, and you hit the end of your rope. I understand...<P>Talk to your lawyer, and follow Jim's advice about not having her at your house again. Too much potential for pain...<P>Sheryl

Spoke with my lawyer, told him what happened. He said a loophole was that since I didn't strike her and had asked her to leave and she didn't she was technically tresspassing and I am allowed to throw her out. He also said that om/h making a complaint would have no bearing, that she would have to make it. So I guess I am "safe" legally. Some how that doesn't make me feel that much better.<P>I did talk with my minister and he pretty much echoed what was said here about using this as a teaching moment for my son. I am dreading this. It is 2 hrs till he gets home.<P>As for dealing with x, I guess om watching the kids is something I am going to have to learn to live with. I'm not sure how I will handle that. Certainly better than today I hope. My minister suggested babysteps. I have a call into my counselor for a start.

RWD:<P>I can relate so well to your story...my sons saw a lot of Dad strong arming their mother. I'll spare you the details. The difference between you and my H is that he never felt remorce for his behavior. He told the kids I deserved it. He did it because he loves me. How's that for giving a kid mixed signals?<P>Anyway, it appears that you have a ton on anger stored up...your wife hit the hot buttons and you blew. It is so important to find a way to release all that anger and frustration. It is amazing sometimes the things we say and do to our ex's or stbx's. This is the person we once shared our life with and had kids with. The next thing you know you are strong arming them out the door or choking them over the stove (my scenerio)...anyway, all that anger isn't good for you. It needs to be released or it will only manifest and come out either in an outburst or you'll get sick. <P>I know when I get totally beside myself...I work out until I'm exhausted. I feel better and instead of screaming at my kids for something minor or doing something, I will later regret...I just run longer or work harder. <P>Good luck.<P>

Bob:<P>I'm so sorry about what happened. I know that your x wife has been pushing your buttons for some time and unfortunately she went too far this time. And, you lost it. But you did apologize and she did too so that is a positive thing. You need to forgive yourself for being human. I think you received some good advice from the others.<P>I hope that your talk with your son went ok. I know that must have been very hard. But, you have always been such a good dad to your kids, I think he will understand, if not right now, in time.<P>Please let us know how it went.<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you as always.<P>Jen

In many states the parent who does not have the kids at the time has right of first refusal. If the parent who has the kids at the time can not take care of them, the other parent gets to have the option of taking care of them. She can not unilaterally have the OM take care of them any time she wants, although I am not sure how this would apply when you can't be there to take care of them either. Visitation is visitation with the PARENT, not with the anyone else instead. <P>It would seem to me that you have every legal right to throw anyone you want out of your house if they would not leave voluntarily, as long as you don't use more force than is necessary to accomplish the objective.