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Well, I tried to stay away for awhile but I'm back.<P>Is anyone else scared of having another relationship now? Having failed at one marriage, I do not want to fail again and I find myself very skeptical about everyone now. I'm still wondering if I will ever be able to completely trust someone again. I also am wondering about my judgment abilities. Will time improve my attitude?<P>

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Well, one thing I might say is that udate.com has a gazillion metrics (I'm talking details you might not tell your mother--because either they're too personal, or seem too trivial) that you enter about yourself and about what you want in the other person you might go out with, and it shows you people in your area who have the closest overlap in terms of what you and they want and care about. <P>Then you start e-mailing and chatting with them. <P>It worked well for me.

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Hey Good Morning Jen,<P>That is a very good Q.<P>Am I scared?.........you bet.<P>I thought that I would only be M one time.<BR>I will die first[or kill him.Ok,no I couldn't really do that,just joking of course,but you get the point] before I go through that pain again.<P>Although I am not skeptical,and still very trusting.<BR>I do agree w/you on the trusting judgment abilities.<P>I do think that time will help.<P>The one thing that I keep telling my self.<BR>Is to really learn who I am,what I want,and what I have learned from my D.<P>I will always try to keep reminding my self of Harley's Principles and do my very best to utilize them.<P>I do know that for me,bc I had such terrible communication skills,and to some what a degree of Conflict avoidence,I know that I need to have a SO that is very strong in that area.[my X was even worse then me.]<P>I have since been in counceling for me,to work on the issues and problems that I had.<P>"I have come a long way baby".LOL [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Life has no guarantee.You want to find someone that has the same upbringing/childhood,principles,values and IMO have the communication skills that is a must in a M.<P>Not to mention believes more strongly in that loving someone means going through the bad times and not bail bc the "wooey-gooey feelings of being In love" is not there.<BR>Loving someone is so much more then that.<P>Take your time.<BR>Learn,grow........and you will come out ahead.<P>Just my 2cents.<P>Gina [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----

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I wouldn't have another relationship right now for all the money I would need to pay my attorney and get me out of the hole my divorce has caused me to fall head first into. How's that for conviction?<P>My stbxh wasn't exactly one to boost one's self-esteem. Several months after separating, I got involved with someone else, who I thought was the most trustworthy person in the world. All I can say is it turned out very badly and I'm not sure why. Everything was fabulous and then it was like we spoke two different languages. In the end, I learned a harsh lesson...too much too soon is not good. I needed a friend. I didn't get one. The hurt from my mistake has been very painful. Not good. <P>To say I was gun shy right now would be putting it mildly. I can't imagine ever trusting anyone again...I know that philosophy isn't the healthiest of approaches, but I don't know if I can...not after this past year. I would rather have my all my hair plucked out one strand at a time than go near another man at this point. I feel like an old neutered dog.<P>As far as judgement goes...I can relate there too. I don't trust my judgement at all. Until, I do, I'm lying low. <P>I'm not sure if time will improve your attitude. I think time makes the hurt go away or at least make it bareable, but those insecurities will simmer until someone else comes along to bring them to the surface. I believe the attitude adjustment has to come from you; to take a good hard look at you and what you want and don't want.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Lonelysoul (edited March 19, 2001).]

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Hi,<P><BR> I have already done that twice now!!!!! NO THANKS!<P>------------------<BR>Deb

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Jen,<P>Yes, I'm scared! Sometimes I'm ok and other times, I am paranoid!<P>I don't know if it gets better with time, but I sure hope so!<P>Lonelysoul's story bothers me and I wonder, if thats going to happen to me. <P>It is very hard to trust again after all this. I thought I'd like to be married again. But I went to a bridal shower yesterday, and I've been in a funky mood ever since, so I guess it means I have a lot of work left to do for me before I could ever think of the future like that.<P>Hang in there, hugs, Dana<BR>

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DanaB<P>I'm sorry...I didn't mean to bother you with my story. Are you the one who is seeing someone from MB? If so, maybe we should talk.....<P>Take care.<P>Susan<BR>

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Well, I see I am not alone in my doubts. It's funny. I thought I would be less worried over time. What is happening to me now?<P>I know some relationships work and some do not. I have been in two since my divorce. In the first relationship, I thought I was ready for commitment but then was scared off when he started talking about marriage. In the second relationship, I hadn't even agreed to be exclusive and he was already asking me if I thought we had the potential to be married in the future. Last year, I would have thought this was great. Now, I'm not so sure. Now, I'm so afraid. I do not want to fail again. I have two children to think about. I certainly do not want them to have to suffer through another failed relationship. So, maybe I am just finally coming out of the fog and being realistic for a change. Maybe it is good that I am being more cautious now. But, I don't want to go to the other extreme. I'm concerned that I am starting to build walls around myself.<P>Thanks for everyone's replies. I'm glad I'm not alone in how I am feeling at this time.<P>

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711<P>I can relate to your fears about getting involved, and out of fear, building the giant wall around yourself.<P>I believe in some respects this is normal. <P>My situation with my stbx is still ongoing. I think I must have the most obnoxious divorce on record. I have been told that I most likely have battered wife's syndrom. Hearing someone say that to me made me sit back and feel worse than I did. I am just so very tired of my life and all the darkness every new day brings. I keep trying to make changes, but it seems that I remain stuck in the muck. Apparently when you suffer from this syndrom...you don't believe you are worthy of being loved properly. I quess. The relationship I spoke of that crashed and burned, surpisingly, sent me spiraling downward. Perhaps, subconciously I was setting myself up. I don't know. I do know that my capacity to trust again is gone right now. The thought of ever getting close again makes me physcially sick.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Lonelysoul (edited March 20, 2001).]

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Jen, <P>No your not alone, matter of fact, I'm right along side of you only a little reversed. Relationship number 1 ended because he got scared off. Relationship number 2 is still going, but I have doubts each day that he won't do the same thing. Why can't things just go slow and not always get so scary? I have no clue.<P>Lonelysoul,<P>I did date someone from MB, not anymore. He was a great person, just had bad timing for us both. But my being in a current relationship now, I look back on that time, as a period of pain and confusion. Probably for us both.<P>Feel free to email me, at missdmbrown@aol.com<P>Dana<BR>

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Lonely Soul:<P>I'm sorry about what you have recently been going through. I certainly can understand why you would have trust issues. My issues seem petty in comparison. I was told by my SIL that the problem I had with my x was expecting him to be faithful. She has learned not to expect anything in life and then you don't get disappointed. Isn't that uplifting!!!!!!!!! I hope I never get to that point in life.<P>I hope things turn around for you soon.<P>Dana:<P>I think for a lot of people, relationships after divorce are scary because we just don't want to fail again and there are no guarantees against that. I've always been one to live for the moment. Now, I'm trying to live for the moment but keep the future in mind too. So, that means I need to really get to know someone this time before I make any serious commitments.<P><BR>

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I always was the live for the moment type as well. It's ironic that I said those very words to the person I was involved with...I told him to feel great passion you had to take that risk of getting hurt. Well, they don't call me risky for nothing. I think, I'll follow your advice and think a little less about the moment and stay focused in the future. <P>Someone else on these boards said you aren't ready to date until you are ready to be dumped. Well, I'm not sure we are ever ready for that, but it's a pretty safe assumption that most of us aren't ready to be dumped on our heads right after a divorce. Of course in my case...the divorce that keeps coming and coming and coming...like the energizer bunny. By the time it's final, I'll be too old to care...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 711:<BR><B>Lonely Soul:<P>I'm sorry about what you have recently been going through. I certainly can understand why you would have trust issues. My issues seem petty in comparison. I was told by my SIL that the problem I had with my x was expecting him to be faithful. She has learned not to expect anything in life and then you don't get disappointed. Isn't that uplifting!!!!!!!!! I hope I never get to that point in life.<P>I hope things turn around for you soon.<P>Dana:<P>I think for a lot of people, relationships after divorce are scary because we just don't want to fail again and there are no guarantees against that. I've always been one to live for the moment. Now, I'm trying to live for the moment but keep the future in mind too. So, that means I need to really get to know someone this time before I make any serious commitments.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

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Well, I waited until over 18 months after my divorce was final before I started dating. <P>And all along I tried to consider it a learning experience, expecting nothing serious or long-term about it. We dated for about 4 months. Had a wonderful time, then ........... he dumped me. Over the telephone.<P>Fortunately I had considered it a "training run" or I would have been seriously upset. He had a lot of characteristics I would look for but he had a lot of flaws - things that would have made a permanent relationship ill-advised. So, I ended up being ok with it. Never even shed a tear. I'm in good enough shape over it that I am considering sending him a birthday card next week with absolutely no expectations - and if he calls and wants to go out, I think I'll turn him down or - at the least - agree but on a date that fits my schedule. <P>You know, as much as I would like for the right man to come along, I don't need another mate. Yes, I would like a companion, but it isn't necessary for my happiness. I sort of like who I am becoming, and having another person in my life would complicate the improvement process.<BR>

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Lonelysoul:<P>I think we are all just getting a little wiser now. If I read back through my posts a year ago, I know I would see how much I have changed over the past year. I'm wondering if some of the other old timers have seen a difference in me or if I am still just coming across as confused as ever.<P>I think the advice to not get involved until you are ok being dumped is probably good advice. The guy I was dating recently broke up with me but I was ok with it. We were having some issues too early on for my liking. So, I thought it was a good idea to break up. We are actually talking again by phone. I still like a lot of things about him but I'm concerned about some things too. Kind of like what Cinderella was saying about the guy she was dating. <P>Cinderella: Sounds like you are in a good place right now. I agree that time alone is refreshing and therapeutic. Now, where have I heard that before????<P>

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I agree...it is wise to wait. The only thing I can say in my own self defense is that my marriage was so lonely for so long that I felt absolutely starved for some kind of affection...conversation, companionship; some kind of normalcy. I zoomed right in for the mere pleasure of having someone to talk to. Pathetic I know. <P>The person I was seeing was wonderful and then without warning he changed. We went from 360 degrees to 360 degrees below freezing in a matter of hours. I had no idea what happened. Instead of talking about what was going on, he just became cold and aloof. I quess that is what bothered me so much...he wouldn't talk...just three or four cold, inpersonal lines in emails. Without going into the details...it ended badly. I didn't handle it very well. I was happy with friends...but for some reason unknown to me, he acts like I did something to him. Like, I said, all I ever wanted out of the deal was a friend. I got a kick in the pants for my trouble. I need all the friends I can get right now...not boyfriends. <P>I won't be dating again for a very long time...I can't. The thought scares me and sickens me at the same time. I hope in time, I can trust again, but right now...I don't trust myself to trust the right person.<P>

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I think it was me (way back when) who said people shouldn't date until they are ready to be dumped. <P>I would rather die (literally) than be divorced again, therefore I will not get "married" again. Honest. I'd put a gun to my head and pull the trigger before I'd ever go through anything like this again...<P>Here's my favorite line from one of my favorite songs...<P>I'm gonna go ahead and go boldly<BR>cuz a little bird told me <BR>that jumping is easy<BR>that falling is fun<BR>right up until you hit the sidewalk<BR>shivering and stunned<P>--Swan Dive--Ani DiFranco

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Perhaps it was you TS...I have often thought that something major must have happened to you that would have made you so anti-dating...anti-relationship...that is not a put down. We are all the sum of our experiences. Lately, if you wanted to go by that...you would think I would be running off to an abbey to be a nun. <P>My heart feels like its been put through the blender and the shreader...and it's not over yet. <P>I may never climb back on that horse.<P>

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<BR>I think everyone's comfort level is a little different.<P>There were EA's by each of us in the past year (mine in the open, his hidden) but no PA's (that I know of) before I moved out. (I left because of domestic violence, not because of any affair.)<P>I met someone rather suddenly. It was actually someone I've known for years. I didn't intend for anything to develop. A friendship became more and I can't say as I have any regrets. I don't like the timing, and I'd never recommend it, but this person has brought nothing to my life except for love and comfort when I've needed it most. If it ends badly, so be it. I went into it with eyes wide open, and have shared every thought about it with him along the way. He knows I won't put up with any games, and he knows I'm likely to hurt him without even realizing it because of what I've been through. There is nothing off limits in our conversations, and our relationship has been mostly communication (email, phone) rather than physical contact due to the fact that I have temporary custody with very little time away from the kids, and I do not want them to see me with anyone except as just friends ...<P>Yes, we've even talked (a little) about the future and marriage. It's hard for me to fathom right now, but it didn't make me run ...<P>

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Lonely Soul:<P>I did the same thing you did after I was divorced. I ran right into a relationship. I felt the same way you did. i was devastated. I needed validation and was surprised when men were interested in me. My relationship took off so fast. Seize the day was my motto. We got along great. Everything was going so well. But, after 6 months, I started thinking about what I was doing. I'm mean what are the odds that the first man I meet after 18 years with my x, would be Mr. Right. And, some issues started coming up that really needed to be dealt with. So, I broke it off. He was devastated. I felt terrible about that. I feel like I am just like the guys you and Dana dated. But, I just didn't want to run into anything too quickly and wind up really getting hurt later on. Did I let go of Mr. Right because of my fears? I don't know. I still think about him quite a bit. We have kept in touch but have both agreed it is better for us not to see each other right now. We haven't closed the door on possibly seeing each other again in the future. We both are still in therapy trying to work out issues from our pasts. I think we have both come along way in the last year. I think we are finally starting to understand where we were last year and how much we helped each other through a difficult time. Except for the pain of the break up, neither of us regret our relationship. I will never forget him.<P>

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Hi Jen,<P>I still don't think you can be in any relationship that ends and not be hurt. Casual dating would be different I guess, I haven't figured out how to do that though. <P>How do you get to know someone if you don't see them on some type of regular basis? Unless we really shouldn't get to know someone if all we are looking for is fun, does that make sense? Don't we pick friends because of some connection? Wouldn't we want that in bf/gf???<P>If not, why shouldn't we just hire the best looking professional we can find, have fun, whatever that maybe, and have a piece of arm candy to boot and no attachment.<P>I'm not accusing anyone of that, just sort of thinking out loud about relationships. I don't think we can get into a relationship thinking that if it ends there won't be some pain. It would be nice if there wasn't though.

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