I've done it, in my heart and in my head I have divorced myself from my stbx. Any hopes of reconcilliation have been put to rest and I will make an effort not to entertain them any more. <BR> I know that many here will flame me; it's so against the MB principles but I am at the end of my rope emotionally. I can't do this dance with my stbx anymore. He runs hot and cold depending on the time of day; tries to make contact and then is distant. <BR> I don't have it in me to fight it anymore or hope anymore. I told my mother this last night. She had found some pictures of the stbx's and my trip to Mexico and she held them out to me with a shaking hand and just began to cry, asking me why this happened. I had no reason to give her and the pain in her face floored me. She has always been stoic in the face of this but last night she crumbled and I saw how the death of my marriage is hurting those around me as well. I can't let it drag out any longer. My family and friends are tired as well and stbx gives no hope.<BR> I let him know that only a week ago I would have moved heaven and earth to be with him and make him happy. That he was first in my eyes in all things and that I will live the rest of my life wondering what could have been. That we could have been wonderful together had he just trusted me enough.<BR> Guys, I am typing this with a steady stream of tears rolling down my face; I am not hysterical but so deeply saddened that I have come to this point. I don't feel much of anything but emptiness. I have closed the door because living with unfullfilled hope has just become to painful to bear.

I remember feeling exactly as you do... tears streaming down my face too...<P>No flames from this corner.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

((((Nduli))))

(((((((((((((Nduli2)))))))))))<P>I can understand your feelings right now. I've had them myself. I hope through all of this you find some closure and with it the ability to move forward.<P>Just keep posting and let us know how you are doing.<P>Take Care.

Dear Nduli2,<P>You are here among friends. No flaming needed. You are going on with your life and will have success. <P>The one who will ultimately be hurt are those who do not appreciate you and your family. The immediate hurt will be you and those who love you. <P>We pray you will get through this grieving time and excel in the acceptance stage of your life. Please continue to share your thoughts and feelings with us. <P>Take Care, <BR>L.

Nudli<P>I haven't written the letter but I am where you are and I cried just thinking about you crying because we are at the same spot and sucks thinking others hurt as bad as you. What is wrong with people these days. <P>I can not plan B my h because we have 3 kids but I am thinking of writing him a goodye letter.<P>I was thinking today, I really don't totally feel rejected, I kind of feel embarrased that I married such a man and he fooled everyone including me about who he is, he thinks he is Mr. I am unhappy and want out of marraige so it is okay just to leave. I always was a person who had my guard up with everyone in my life, don't let anyone get too close or really know me. (very few people KNOW me) I opened my heart and soul to him and now I am scared that I will never be able to do that with someone else. Not only have you ruined my present life, you are ruining my future life.(Obviously an issue to work on)<P>I feel very vulnerable because of all he knows about me, naked to the world, looking like a strong woman on the outside to the world and crying her eyes out on the inside. <BR>I also feel numb. I can't let myself feel anymore. It does hurt too much but part of me feels that If I write this letter, I will shut the door permanently. Back and Forth feelings. I am continuing with divorce, he wants it, I don't but it is the only thing I can do now.<P>I miss my husband. I miss talking to him. But my life must move on or else I will lose myself.<P>Big Hugs Nudli. My heart is with you.<P>Hopelessmom

Hopelessmom, <P> I'm much the same as you when it comes to opening up due to many issues I had growing up(father abandoned my sister and I, I was raped at nine years old and I've had many destructive friends and habits). My stbx was the first person I ever really let close to me and in his hands I changed and grew as a person. I let go of a lot of my anger and hate and I found a way to make peace with all of those past issues.<BR> Through this ordeal I have found those old angry feelings resurfacing(see the thread "Enough is Enough)and hatred growing again. I was begining to see the world again through my old grey colored glasses and it's scaring me.<BR> If I keep holding on and hoping against hope I will lose the person that I became. I don't want that. I don't want to become bitter and angry again and clinging to him and allowing myself to be emotionally beaten up I am allowing that to happen. He may have helped me grow but I cannot give him the tools to help ruin me; even though he may not be doing it on purpose.<BR> He has chosen his path and now I must return to mine. I let him know that I do indeed love him but I cannot do so at the risk to my emotional and mental health. I don't feel like a failure anymore. I did my best; I suspect you did as well. <BR> The only person who has changed is your H, in his pursuit of the fabled complete happiness he has chosen to walk down a very thorny path; don't punish yourself further. He wants to walk alone even though you offered him your hand. <P> Thank you all for being here all this time. This board was a saving grace in some of the darkest moments of this ordeal. I won't be going away but my focus now is building anew instead of trying to piece together remnants under protest.

Nduli2,<P>I don't think it goes against MB princpals, isn't that is what Plan A & Plan B is about, working on you, if your WS comes back great, if not that you will be a stronger person, knowing that you did all you could, you have grown as a person & that you can/will have a good life with or withour your WS.<P><BR>I am not far behing you in the giving up process. ((HUGS)) & prayers. Good luck, hope you find peace & happiness.<P>

All I can say is that I truly understand. I am so sorry<BR>and know the pain. We try to follow the MB principles-but it takes two, we can't do it all by ourselves. I too am amazed at how far reaching my divorce has gone and how it has affected more than just me. Tears are flowing for me as well.<P>When one door of happiness closes,<BR>another opens:<BR>but often we look so long at the <BR>closed door that we<BR>do not see the one which has been <BR>opened before us.<P>Take care,<BR>love<BR>Petrie

I felt just like you, but at least I had made a decision and wasn't in turmoil. 14 months later I can say the past year has been the worst, but yet the best of times. I lost a live in husband, but I gained my freedom and peace. I lost an addtitional income, but have more in the savings then I had during the 8.5 years of marriage. I am alone with my children, but I was more lonely married. I did not have goals and dreams then, now the sky is the limit. Yes, it was the worse of times, but still the best of times. Love God first and then yourself. Take time to smell the sweet fragrance of life. You'll be surprised at what you have been missing. If you did your part then you're free.<BR>Hold your head up. You are very important.

{{{{{{{{{Nduli2}}}}}}}}},<P>I too have written my stbx a letter. I cried the entire time that I wrote it. It saddened me terribly to know that my marriage was over. I take solice in the fact that I did everything I possibly could to make it work, and in the end she chose to throw it all away. I can get up in there morning a face myself in the mirror.<P>I have also accepted that I am divorced at least emotionally and physically (just not legally) from my stbx. It does not make all the pain go away, but it has allowed me to see my future a little differently. Hang in there. You are not alone. I feel your pain.<P>Griz<p>[This message has been edited by Griz (edited April 17, 2001).]

((((((((Nduli))))))<P>I never wrote the letter, but I wish I had at times. I never got to say what I wanted , but I have had many conversations with him since this started where I told him.<P>Are you sure your ready to give up? I know Plan A is hard. We are all here to support you, no flames. I haven't seen anyone get flamed for a while now!<P>Hugs, Dana<BR>

I wrote that letter about 8 weeks ago.....after finding my stbx's stash of condoms for his eagerly anticipated NEW single life - I guess. <P>I was hurt he couldn't wait for the divorce to be final since we were still living together and sleeping in the same bed. <P>Anyway, it was time to let him go - for the last time. I did, and though I am sad - frequently, I have not once regreted the decision. He is on a very dark and lonesome path and I can't go that way this time. <P>I offered comment/advice, as a caretaker wife would do - "They work better when they are AVAILABLE for the moment - ie. in your wallet, when the opportunity arrives" But after that, I have been silent. It in his hands now...<P>It was very hard, I cried endlessly for weeks, but have only read the letter once in the last week and am moving forward. <BR>The pain does dull to an ache, then a numbness, I hope the next phase is soon.....:-)<P>J