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Joined: Jul 2000
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cjack Offline OP
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I guess this is a follow up to my "Did I do the Right Thing" post.<P>For those of you that missed it, my Ex wanted to have a drink with me last night, and I blew her off.<P>Turns out she wanted to talk to me about a few things! She called today, and basically said she had been living in a "fantasy world" for the last year, and that last night was a "wake up call" that I wouldn't be there for her when she needed me.<P>Yes, she's a little slow on the uptake! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>You see, neither of us have family out here, so we always relied on each other for everything. Since she left, I've been relying on myself and my friends (both at work and here on MB) for support. Apparently there is not such a strong support network for WS's!<P>So I told her that it was nothing personal, but I was tired, in a bad mood, and really just didn't want to see her...which she should expect, since we're divorced. She countered that she had no one else to turn to, and she really was having a bad day, and she really needed me.<P>I hit her with "well, YOU were the one who left me, YOU were the one who divorced me, YOU were the one who said our relationship was over, so what do you expect?"<P>(long silence)<P>There was a bit more, but suffice to say, like a puppy that has been scolded, she kinda put her head down and slunk away on the phone, and said she'd call later in the week sometime.<P>I think two things have happened: <P> The dream romance with the OM has ended. I say that because she's been depressed for about a week now, and it has been months since she's gone to see him. I don't know this for sure, but I just get the feeling that it has fizzled.<P> She's realized that I am actually getting on with my own life without her. She never really expected that! I was always like the faithful dog who would take her back no matter what. Tonight I told her "we're not dating, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend, we're not married, and we don't have a relationship...I don't know what we are, but you're just my ex-wife. That's it."<P>So here I am. My Ex has finally come out of the Fog, but now I don't know what to do with her. She can admit that this whole thing was a mistake, but she's way too proud to come crawling back...and quite frankly I don't know if I would take her back!<P><BR>And to top it all off...<P>There was this lady at the checkout stand that I always had my eye on. A friend of mine has been trying to hook me up with someone he said would be "perfect" for me...guess who it was? He gave me her phone number, and I guess she's interested.<P>Somebody call the tv networks, I've got a soap opera going on here!<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by cjack (edited May 07, 2001).]

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It is funny how we sit and wait, hoping the phone will ring or we will receive a word of encouragement. Then when the day comes, we don't know if we want it anymore. I quess all we can do is take it oneday at a time. I am still waiting for the fog to lift. Mine is still with OM and says how happy they are. Hang in there and see where it goes. take care of yourself.<P>

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When the fog lifts, does it make you angry that you might be a "second choice" now, or a person to "fall back on". Now for the first time, while she deals with the loss of the OM, she will probably also have to deal with the loss of you . <P>As for the check out person, good luck!

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HHHHMMMM CJack, very interesting!!!<P>Keep us updated. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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cjack Offline OP
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Jabber: It is a strange feeling indeed! I wanted something very badly for so long, and now that it may be happening, I have to re-asses whether or not I want it!<P>The thing is, in the two months since the divorce, my own "fog" has lifted, so to speak. I used to overlook her shortcomings, but now they stand out in stark contrast to the person I married. There are a lot of things about her I've realized I don't like. Add to that the fact that I can't trust her as far as I could throw her, and I have a pretty strong case for saying "thanks, but no thanks."<P><BR>DanaB: Bingo! I think she's realized that she pushed me too far away, and now she has no one to turn to for help. Part of me wants to help her, and part of me wants to see her twist in the wind for a little longer! <P>Hopeless: Thanks for the support! I don't know how this is going to turn out, but I'll keep you posted.<BR>

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cjack,<BR>Any appolgy for the pain and suffering she put you through?????<P>I am like you, my fog has lifted too. I let too many thing x did go, like being unfriendly around my family(she used to go sleep or read when we were at my mothers)and even her's,(we always had to leave the first thing the next day, so a weekend away was me driving 1.5-3.5 hrs, her sleeping most of the way, her sleeping or off reading, her going to bed early and then us leaving early next morning, with me driving the 1.5-3.5 hrs and her sleeping again. No wonder she was always so rested!!!!<BR>

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cjack Offline OP
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RWD:<P>Apologies? Sure, lots of them, but the context is the problem!<P>During the A, and all through the divorce proceedings, she apologized over and over again for putting me through the pain, yet she never stopped what she was doing!<P>Kinda like this: "I'm so sorry for all that is happening between us, I don't want to hurt you and it hurts me to see you this way...by the way, I'm going to Vegas (where OM lives) next weekend, could you watch D for me?"<P>Thats the thing that bugs me...she's showed all kinds of remorse throughout this whole affair, yet not once did she consider that what she was doing was wrong! She justified her affair, our divorce, and all the pain she caused by assuming that it would all get better after the divorce. <P>I get the feeling I won't get an apology too easily, at least for a while.<BR>

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Wow...my ex recently did the same exact thing. He knows that he made a mistake in how he handled things, knows he is an [censored], hates himself, feels low and melancholy, realizes what he gave up, misses me, but yet he is still living with the 18 year old he left me for. Doesn't true remorse come with action? I thought that I would be leaping for joy when this day came, but I mostly felt pity for him.<P>My ex moved out of state with his new girl, and is all alone in a small town in NC where she is in college. Not exactly funville. You said it all when you said that your wife "needed" you. It sounds like the shimmer is wearing off of her dime and you were always her rock. And I can certainly relate to the "twisting in the wind" analogy. I find myself wanting him to "suffer" in his loneliness. Maybe that is selfish, I don't know. He says he wants to be my friend, and while I have this draw toward him as a person whom I once loved madly, and I want to be his friend because I genuinely like him (sometimes). But I want him to really feel the loss like I have. The OP masks that so well. I want him to realize that he can't have both. But it is not my job to teach him a lesson or to show him anything. I need to focus on getting control of my life again. <P>Unfortunately, I am also beginning to realize that III can't have both either. OR maybe, like you, don't want it. I have met someone that might turn out to be pretty special, and I don't think that I can have both him and my ex in my life. And I don't think I want that either. My ex can't really bring anything for me to the table. I realize that now. I think it is kind of funny. Good luck with the checkout person. It sounds like you were smiling when you wrote that! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by gsd (edited May 07, 2001).]

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Hey Jack my buddy,<P>Just popping in now and then to check on my old freinds. You know what, the same darn this is happening here and I just don't feel a thing. I guess I am not the greatest person on earth, because I do want him to hurt when he sees the damage he left behind. I have said from the beginning from this that "living well is the best revenge." I did nothing, didn't call the bimbo, didn't put a brick through a window...guess I didn't have to did I. Neither did you Jack...the things that happened to your wife were weirdly prophetic..the car breaking down ect...and the beauty is you just plan a'd your way through all of it. You and I did good Jack. I hate to be cold here, but honey, they made their beds. Hey, the grocery story lady...one lucky woman if you follow up. Does she work at AJ's by chance? I could use a discount on their goodies. You take care my friend and keep up the good work.<P>allison

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CJack, <P>Hate to interrupt on your thread but Bob, I see you posting again, meant to thank you for a reply on my thread but I was too distraught, thank you [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>and to cjack,<P>How are you feeling now about the situation? Sometimes, I notice that when something first happens, my reaction may be one way, but it changes a little a few days later, like I start to question things or see things different.<P>By the sounds of it, if it were me, I'd feel like the ex turned to me by "default" or "second choice". Either way, how great it would be to be able to confidently turn them away.<P>I'm sure it shakes the ws a little when the bs actually just gives up and heals too.<P>Hugs, Dana<BR>

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Hi Cjack,<P>Yep, I know what you mean. Bs's are ready to move on the the WS gets scared and comes running home. Hm.... Should we shouldn't we? Some of us do and some don't. No real right or wrong on this one but it is our call. <P>Do we have the right to be angry that they want to just slip back into our lives like nothing happened? You bet we do. Should they pay for their mistakes? Yep. Within reason. <P>I did let me H back under conditions. He needed to put the interests of our family ahead of his own. Just like we had been doing for him. Now it is our turn. How long can he hold this up? Not sure. It just happened 10 days ago. <P>Whatever you decide is your decision but you feelings are shared by others (including me). I am still hurt by what H did to his family (not just me). H sometimes mopes around a bit, but he is trying and even though I at times, want to turn in the towel, I am giving it my best shot again. <P>Once that towel goes, that's it. I am now at the point, he thought I would be when he started this whole mess. Crazy guy. He always had a wife and child that loved him and he almost threw it all away. <P>A part of me can not get to comfortable about it yet because I don't want my child to be disappointed. I am preparing myself to take it either way but know it will always be a continual struggle. <P>Hang in their buddy, you have my respect. No more sad songs....<P>L.<BR>

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cjack Offline OP
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Allison! Good to hear from you, how are you doing? Sounds like things are going well. The grocery store lady works at Fry's. She's one of those people that I always thought "mmm, if I wasn't married..." I don't know much about her, except that she's my age and rides a Harley!<P><BR>Don't be a stranger!<P>DanaB: I feel a couple of different things. I see things about her a little more clearly, and I don't feel any of the blind love I used to feel. In our conversation Monday night, she told me how happy she was. She was free, she finally has the body she always wanted, the position in her company she always wanted, and whenever she goes out with her friends, men approach her and tell her how beautiful she is, and that makes her feel special. The thing that makes me mad is that I told her every single day how I thought she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever known...I guess that didn't make her feel special enough!<P>A bit later (when I gave her the hug) she said that she missed her house, the dog, waking up in the morning with someone to hold, etc. But just a little while earlier she was telling me how it would never have worked, since I din't have that "passion, that spark" that she was looking for. In other words, she's traded the security and safety of the marriage in the hope of finding someone she can be "in love" with. <P>I hate to see someone I used to love mess up their life...<P>Orchid: At least your H is willing to try!<P>I think my X won't try to come back for two reasons: <P>1: Pride. She knows that she would have to come crawling back, and she would never do that. She has an amazing stubborn streak. Once she's made up her mind about something, that is the end of it. This is the path she's chosen. She's made her bed and she'd rather sleep in it than try to change. <P>2: She knows I've changed in regards to how I feel about her. I'm not the same guy she married, and I'm not the same guy she left. I think she's honestly scared of the reaction she'd get if she made a move to come back. I made it clear before the divorce that I felt divorce was final, and since then I've made it clear that we have no relationship other than ex-wife/ex-husband. I know that she used to think reconciliation after divorce was possible, but if she said "I miss you, and I want to try to work things out," she fears (rightly so) that I'd respond with "what the %^# are you smoking?" <P>Thanks for your respect, but I've got twice as much for you...anger and bitterness are easy, forgiveness is hard.<P><BR>


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