Hey Guys!<P>Thinking about what happen yesterday and wanted to share it w/you all.<P>X brought the kids back early so we could spend the day together.He stayed for a couple of mins.He then told the kids that he had to go,was going out of town for the week and needed to get back to clean,laundry and pack.<P>My daughter proceeds to say."Daddy,you just need to get your self a woman,so then she can do all the work for you."<P>AAAAHHHH I was dumb founded.I couldn't believe it at first.<P>He just laughed and then kissed the kids and left.<P>I sat there thinking,you know,this is my fault.<P>I have raised her to see this.She has lived 8 yrs seeing me do everything for him.<P>The problem that I am fighting w/is the fact that I really did enjoy doing all this for him.I thought that it was my role as a Wife/Mother.I took pleasure in pleasing him.<P>I have a daughter that thinks it is ok,for the man to do nothing and the women to do it all.<P>Now as a single Mom,I am still doing it all.How am I supose to teach her that it isn't ok for her to think that?<P>A M shouldn't be about the woman doing it all.But I believe as a partnership,equally sharing the responsibility.<P>Am I wrong here?<P>Just some thoughts would be appreciated.<P>Thanks guys.<P>Gina <P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----<p>[This message has been edited by LittleCookie (edited May 14, 2001).]

Hey Little Cookie, <P>Let me share something my mom told me. OK? And I don't even know what I think about it yet! But I have been ruminating on it.<P>"You should give unselfishly, without thinking of your needs. Just because someone abused you (took advantage, I like better), does not make you wrong. Keep on living an unselfish life."<P>There are two cents for you.... and I am still thinking about it.

I worked like a turk for my x and nothing was good enough. <P>Now, here I am, a single mom raising one son and one daughter alone, working, chauffering, cooking, cleaning, laundering, doing it all - all by myself. And it makes me mad and resentful. And I could wring the buzzard's neck. <P>And just how are my children supposed to witness the give and take in a marriage? And how are they supposed to see the respect marriage partners should show each other? How are they supposed to know what a normal, happy marriage should be like? <P>They were only 2 and 4 when doofus left. And they only see him with his new wife for under 30 hours per week and part of that is sleeping time. <P>Give me a break. How did we get trapped into this? <P>Ok - now you've seen me angry.

Hey G,<P>Val and I did the "standard" split. She did the inside stuff and I did the outside stuff. <P>Inside included the wash, dishes and vacuuming. Outside was the grass, snow removal and fixing anything that was broken.<P>This was not set in stone. We often criss crossed on the upkeep of the home. She more than once cut the grass with the push mower because she was afraid of the riding tractor. She did real well up until she lost her flip flop and ran over it. I got to see that.<P>I also know how to use the washer, dryer and vacuum as well as doing the dishes. Ok, so the iron hasn't seen the light of day over the last two years, but, hey, if you throw a shirt in the dryer for 5 mins and put it on hot, it looks like it was ironed. <P>It seems that everything is disposable these days, including marriages. A sad fact of society.<P>Chels has a great role model and I wouldn't worry right now.<P>------------------<BR>"It's not over till we say it's over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? H*ll no!" Blutto...Animal House 1984<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic

Well, My son's learning how to do dishes & laundry & cook & yardwork. Basically everything it takes to survive. I'm trying to teach him that there's no such thing as "mans work" and "womans work", but that 2 people committed to spending their lives together should be equal partners in everything.<P>Oh and I second Zippys dryer ironing. STBX took the iron & ironing board. I figured a carbon fiber fork for my bike was a better investment anyway <P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

The thing about being separated now is that I'm not doing any more than I was when we were living together. This really upsets me and is one of my greater lessons. Giving, giving and doing it all will not win you the love and respect that you need. That said...<P>Nora, I agree with what your mother says. I've taken my H. out with us on "family" outings while things between the two of us were really wretched. My friends couldn't understand why. I stood firm, refusing to become so bitter and angry (at least outwardly )that the kids couldn't share a nice night out with their mom and dad. <P>I think your mothers meaning is to not let this one horrible deception and the fear of its reoccurence turn you into a person incapable of ever "giving" again. We need to find that balance. Moms know SO much!

Sorry. This is one of my sore points. Sure do wish I could afford a cleaning service and sporadic lawn service.<P>Would do a lot for my attitude.<P>One day! One day!

Agree that a marraige shouldn't be abt one person doing all the work (and, in fairness, your kids probably saw the work you did at home and maybe did not see the work he did at his job, so couldn't it be that they perceive it as more one-sided than it might really have been?<P>But, back to my point, a family shouldn't be about one person doing it all either. Whether two parent or one parent family, you can teach them to pitch in because that is what EVERYONE in a family does.<P><BR>Hugs--<P>Kathi

NoraP,<P>I kinda do agree w/that.<P>That to me is what loving someone is all about.You give of your self and think of them first.<P>Thanks for the 2 cents!<P>Cinderella,<P>Hey,I do know where your at.<P>Yes,a cleaning service would be nice.<P>It will get better!<P>Hey your getting flowers,don't think it could be much better then that! You go girl! <P>Hey Zip,<P>That is great that you helped Val out.Not many like you out there!<P>Yeah,I do the same thing sometimes w/the clothes dryer.It does the trick so why not.<P>You are right.To many people these days throw away a good thing bc it is just too much work.It really is a shame.<BR>Not to mention the fact of communication,if one can't share what it is that they feel/think and want,then that makes it pretty impossible for the other to live that way.[I know,did it for 15 years.]<P>Thanks,I have done my best to be the best Mommy.Just one of the many reasons why I lost my M.[too much mommy time and not enough woman/wife time.]<P>Hey Nick,<P>You know,I do agree w/that.I grew up in a house where my Dad made the kids breakfast,packed school lunches and took us to school,cooked dinner 2/3 times a week.They really did share everything 50/50.<P>It is great that you are there to show and share this w/him.<BR>Not many men out there that really do the "housedad" role.<P>SnowWhite,<P>You know,me neither.The only thing that did change was cutting the grass.I even did do that sometimes when we were M.Very sad to say,but there was no adjustment time when he did leave.<P>Hey Kathi!<P>Long time.Hope all is well w/you.<P>Your right 100% That is one reason why I didn't mind it and did enjoy pleasing him.I knew that he worked very long hrs,he was working hard to support his W and children.When he came home I wanted it to be "stress and work" free.<P>Really don't know if that is right or wrong.I still don't regret the time.<P>I did have a talk w/both of them.Had a really good talk.<BR>They are the best!<P><BR>Gina <BR><P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----

Hey Gina <P>I don't remember how old your kids are, but mine are now teenagers and they have had to pitch in with the work around the house. Mow the lawn (although I do enjoy doing it myself sometimes--except it takes about 3 hours--4 different yards ), do the dishes, change the kitty litter, some laundry--but not enough. This is not for pay...this is because they are part of a family. It's the one big change that I had to make. They grouse about it but they know that what they do is important to the family.<P>Yes, sometimes it's a really big drag. And don't tell anyone.....but sometimes I just ignore all of it and take the boys out somewhere instead. The housework will always be there (Yuck!!!!). The past four summer vacations I've had from work have been spent working on the house and yards--but I don't regret it. I know that I can do whatever needs to be done. Your children may not realize the importance of what you do for them right now, but they will...they will. Think back on how you regarded your Mom and Dad while you were growing up...I'll bet you appreciate the things they did for you more than ever.<P>You'll find a way to start letting your kids know that they have to learn to contribute to the family...everything isn't just given to them...and you'll find a way to let your daughter know that she had better learn to take care of herself, not just take care of everyone else. My Mom was one of the first "Libbers." Not a radical feminist, but she did believe in making sure that my sister and I knew the value we had as individuals...and the most important thing she ever taught me was to make sure that I could earn my own living and not have to depend on someone else to support me...establish that credit in your own name...Moms are the greatest gift in the world!<P>Hang in there honey! You're a strong person and your children will learn the truth about your sacrifice for them and your worth to them will be multiplied!<P>Claire

Hey Claire!<P>Thanks! My daughter is 8 and son is 5,both have b-days this summer.<P>It isn't so much that I do everything for them.<P>I have tought them to help out around the house.They both take turns cleaning their bathroom,bringing dirty clothes to the laundry room,setting the table for dinner,keeping their rooms cleaned,and sometimes washing the dishes[well,puting them in the dishwasher]lol <P>Like I said,they are great kids,and do help me out quite a bit.<P>It is just that my daughters notion of her father[or just men in general] getting a "woman" to do it for him,well,that isn't what I want her to think a M is all about.[But then again,I taught her that,through my actions.]<P>I don't pay them either for helping out,I do believe that they should do it bc they are part of the family and it is their house too.We all work together as a "team" you could say.<P>Getting ready for moving day,so they will most certainly be put to work. <P>Hope all is well w/you.<P>Gina <P><P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----