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Well, the EX just dropped a small bombshell on me today...she may be moving!<P>She has a possible job opportunity in Tuscon, which is about 90 minutes away. Now, this is GOOD in one way, but BAD in another way...<P>GOOD: She will go away and stop calling me everyday. She has refused to give me my space since the divorce, and insists on remaining in my life. Why don't I just be rude to her and make her go away? Well, that has to do with...<P>BAD: She will take D with her. I have no legal claim to her, since I never adopted her (bio-dad is out of the picture), but I hate the thought of her moving for a number of reasons. First, she is mildly A.D.D. We learned very early on that uprooting her and moving her away from a stable environment is bad for her grades, her attitude, etc. Second, I don't like the idea of her mom taking her away from her friends and school environment that we worked so hard to protect (she's been in the same neighborhood for almost 4 years now). Third (and biggest), I won't be as much a part of her life as I want to be.<P>Her bio-dad left the day she was born and hasn't been seen since. Until I came along, her mom was hooked up with a guy who gives ALL men (not just fathers) a bad name. So for the past 6 years, I've been the only father figure she's known. I CHOSE this role and have adopted her in my heart, if not on paper. It will simply break my heart (again) if this happens...what should I do?<P>Is there ANYTHING I can do? Or am I making a big deal out of nothing?

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(((((((cjack)))))))<P>So sorry to hear of this. But perhaps you are putting the cart before the horse. Your ex may not move or the job may fall through.<P>I feel for your D. Sounds like she has been through more in her short life than anyone deserves in a lifetime! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Your devotion to your D is a beautiful thing cjack. I admire that in you a great deal. <P>If the move does happen perhaps you could work out some visitation times? I know the logistics are probably pretty difficult right now to think about but there is a way. There are a couple of people on here who travel long distances for visitation, it is not easy but they are coping.<P>Your ex moving to Tuscon will look like small potatoes if my STBX eventually moves to Norway! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Just goes to show how little he really cares for anyone but himself. And yes he has mentioned this as a possibility.<P>Anyway, CJack, we will hope for the best.<P>Take Care.

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OOPS, just thought of a couple of other things.<P>Did your ex mention whether this would be advancing her career? What are her motivations for moving away from you? I would think that her life would be a whole lot harder if she moved not to mention the negative imapact on your D. Does she have any support system in Tuscon?<P>Have you discussed these issues with her?<P>Your ex seems to be setting herself up for disaster if she moves away with no support. You certainly won't be there to help her out when D has a bad day. And from what you say the move will throw D out of wack and cause problems?<P>Thinking about your post I guess your concern wasn't visitation it was more the loss of being involved in her life. This is a hard thing for sure but you will have to make the best out of a difficult situation.<BR>

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cjack...<P>I feel for you...<P>...if only your W was like my xW (really narcissistic)...<BR>...and leave your step-daughter with you.<P>I have my stepson with me... and our 2 other kids.<P>I don't think there is anything you can do legally...<BR>...but keep all channels of communicataions open...<BR>...telephone... e-mail... chat...<BR>...so the feeling of love between you and your SD can continue to grow!<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

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Hi cjack,<P>No, you're not making a big deal! It IS a big deal! I'm glad to see a father, such as yourself, involved in the way you are and desire to continue to be.<P>I don't have kids, but I did want to respond anyway. (I've had neices and nephews in similar situations as you.)<P>What kind of visitation deal, if any, was worked out in the divorce settlement? If you still get to see her on a regular basis, I don't think 90 minutes should be a huge barrier...however, it will be a pain in the butt. You won't get to attend her school stuff as much or see her on a daily basis. That's a real shame.<P>It's probably impossible to have a good conversation about this with your EX, but maybe you and her could work out a deal, so you can still see your D regularly.<P>I hope it all goes good for you. Maybe she won't get the job and it'll all be for naught. But, whichever way it goes, you may still want to work out some sort of deal, just in case it happens again.<P>My good thoughts and wishes are with you.<BR>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

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cjack Offline OP
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Hopeless: Well, it WOULD be a career advancement. Maybe mroe pay, certainly more responsibilities, and a better position in her company. However, the only person she knows in Tuscon is a former co-worker. Unless she's been hiding something for the last 6 years, she doesn't know anyone else there. So no support system whatsoever!<P>However, I've come to the conclusion that, if she gets the job, it doesn't matter what I want/say/do, she doesn't care. She is extrememly selfish in that regard. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] She would gladly put her own happiness above that of D.<P>And you're right, it's not really visitation...I know I could see her whenever I wanted to, but I'd miss out on the day-to-day things, and that is much more important to me.<P><BR>Jim: As always, you are ahead of the curve! I was thinking that D living with me would be a possibility. If it comes down to it, I'll suggest it, with all the same arguments she's thrown at me ("its not like its that far away..." etc.). I'd be more than happy to take her while her mom pursues her career. I'm not going anywhere!<P>Mrs. O: No visitation deal at all...that's the thing. In a way, I'm glad I don't have that. I've seen other divorced dads who have to contact their lawyer just to get an extra night with their own child! The downside is that I have to stay in the Ex's good graces to keep my "any time I want" visitation.<P>Thanks to all for the swift replies!

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Update:<P>False Alarm! Turns out when one of the higher-ups in the company found out she put in for the transfer, they nixed the idea...apparently they think she's fine right where she is...<P>When she called to tell me this, she did so in a very angry, snide tone of voice: "Well, I know you'll be jumping for joy to hear this, but I'm not going anywhere. Are you happy now?"<P>You know, every day I wonder what could have possibly attracted me to this woman...<P>cj

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I'm happy to hear of this development for you and your D sake! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Now let's see, how can we get your exW to leave town and let you raise D in a loving stable environment? <P>Any chance that she would take this transfer denile personnally and quit the company all together? YIKES!!<P>Hang in there CJack. From your posts I can see that the rollercoaster ride doesn't really end when D is final you just get to step onto a new one that throws a few new loops your way! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Take Care.

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CJack,<P>It's been a while since you posted more, I don't remember for certain, but wasn't exW the one who wanted D?? Why is she contacting you so often? I agree about needing our space due to the divorce.<P>Do you get to take the non biological D for any visitation?<P>It amazes me how many great guys out there take on the role of "dad" to other men's kids, and when the relationship ends, the children suffer by losing this person in their life. I wish there were some laws to give you some sort of visitation.<P>Hugs, Dana

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cjack Offline OP
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H-in-AZ (Shorter version 'til you get a new name!):<P>In some way, I wish she would've got the job. She often complains that D is "driving her crazy" and that I'd need to take care of her for awhile. I'd be more than happy to do just that! Ex has a short fuse, and D knows just which buttons to push to get a reaction out of her. It's a power trip for her (making her mom go ballistic), and a way to get more attention.<P>As for her company, I think if she continues her pattern of negativity and "stressing out" over everything, she won't be much use to them much longer. She's very good at what she does, but is very high-strung and will burn out very quickly if she doesn't make some changes in her life.<P>Dana: Yes, she's the one who wanted the divorce. Or at least a partial divorce! What she really wanted was to get rid of me as a husband, but keep me as a friend. Other than a few friends from work, she doesn't really have any other support system here. Her excuse is always "when we moved out here, we didn't have anyone but each other, and we still don't...so I count on you to listen to me and give me advice."<P>Every time I've tried to tell her that I need my space, she gets extremely angry. Even when I try to tell her that its only temporary, and that I just need a couple of months to myself, she flies off the handle and says that its basically all-or-nothing. If I want my "space," then its no contact, ever! With that would come reduced contact with D, and very little input into how she is raised. <P>This actually makes a great scenario for a country song: <P>"She Left Me, Now She Won't Leave Me Alone!"

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CJack,<P>Don't you hate that catch 22 situation that they put us in?<BR>I feel like most of my marriage was like that. Damned if I do Damned if I don't. <P>This is a tough situation for you, wish I had some great words or insight. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] But since I don't I'll just send you a hug (((((((((CJack)))))))))))<P>Take Care.<P>p.s. Like the song title! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>

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It sounds again like she is using her D to get what she wants from you. And she is really still getting EN met by you at this time. Maybe when she starts dating again, you might get let alone a little. Or when you do.<P>Good luck, keep posting! Dana

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Why don't you offer to take d off her hands for a period of time? If what you say is true, I imagine before long, she will be with you all the time and then maybe you can get some type of custody.

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HinAZ: Thanks for the hug...how 'bout this heat? How many other people get to have a Memorial Day BBQ in 109-degrees? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P><BR>Dana: I think it's more of the EN thing than anything else. Quite frankly, I can't wait until one of us starts dating again! I know she's been out on a few dates since the divorce, and so have I, but nothing serious for either of us. I know that if I find someone first, the Ex will be very, very jealous and resentful. Somewhere deep inside, I know she holds out hope that if her new single life doesn't work out, she can always come running back to me. She has mentioned several times throughout all this that there ARE people who get back together after a divorce, and when I reminded her that I considered divorce to be permanent, she would always say "never say never."<P>Yeah, right...you go right on believing that! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P><BR>RWD: That's what I was thinking! Every time she's gotten really frustrated with D, I've offered to take her for as long as she needs. However, I don't think that will happen. <P><p>[This message has been edited by cjack (edited May 24, 2001).]

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I will have to admit that it is a bit warm these days! Goos news is those 100 degree days will seem down right pleasant. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Hey, let me know when you get your copy of The Road Less Travelled. I would like to hear your thoughts. <P>

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cjack:<BR><B>Update:<P><BR>When she called to tell me this, she did so in a very angry, snide tone of voice: "Well, I know you'll be jumping for joy to hear this, but I'm not going anywhere. Are you happy now?"<P><BR>cj</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>I thought you said she did the D? So now it is YOUR fault that she is NOT moving? Wow, did you know you had soo much influence with her employer? Your ESP skills must be strong!!! ha ha. ... <P>It is nice to hear you are such a good dad. Good dads are getting to be a rare breed nowadays. Hope your XW will let you visit with your D. <P>You are doing good. I like your song. You're a DJ right? What kind of music does your station? Not all ol' sad love songs?!??!!? Just kidding. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR> <BR>

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cjack Offline OP
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HinAZ: Just got the book yesterday. I've read about 60 pages into it and I must say it is looking really good! I disagree with his assessment that "everyone needs psychoanalysis," but he's pretty much summed up my parents' whole approach to raising kids in the first chapter alone!<P>I'll let you know more when I get further along.<P>Orchid: Yes, she divorced me, and now she won't go away! The good news is that she knows I'm the only father figure D has ever had, and I don't think she's crazy enough to screw that up, but you never know!<P>Yes, I work at a country station...but wait! It's not your grandpa's "old" country station. We're more like a Top 40 station than anything else, and there aren't too many sad songs played here!

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CJack,<P>I see where it is supposed to only get up to 97 on Memorial Day. Better grab a jacket to wear to the picnic! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Well, I have to work on Monday, but I'll be sure to go out and warm my car up before I leave...do you have an ice scraper I can borrow? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>

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I think I have a scraper somewhere. I also have a couple of snow shovels as well!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>


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