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Joined: Oct 1999
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I haven't posted in a long long while. After almost two years of my H ongoing affair while I stayed and tried to rebuild my marriage all the lies, cheating and alcohol, finally I could take no more. I had to file not only once but twice and both times my H wouldn't do a thing to move things along even though he said he wanted the divorce so bad. So now that it is final and it was given to me by default seeing my H never responded to the papers that were served. WE live in an equitable distribution state so what I asked for was what I legally was entitled to. I wanted our house sold (didn't want OW in my house), H to pay me half for his assets, H to pay half of our debt, and he got his truck I got mine we both kept our pensions and that was that. Well he is telling me that I will have to live with what I have done to him the rest of my life knowing I took all of this away and he had to bite the bullet so to speak and pay because why he didn't want to go to the lawyers again and fight me tooth and nail. I don't see where it would have made a difference but he is telling everyone that I got what I wanted because he was the nice guy and didn't fight it. It makes me sound like a horrible person. Does he ever mention the fact uh that he was cheating and lying and basically living with the OW the whole time. NO and she of course had nothing to do with it and I shouldn't be mad at her. NO she is just having a 24/7 celebration that she got her man away from me. I guess my question is after all that do the WS after divorce tend to blame the BS for everything? Of course in my case alcohol is involved too. That is why the OW is so wonderful beacause she will sit with my H and drink all the time. Of course his drinking has or had nothing to do with our problems either. HELP anyone.

Joined: May 2001
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I'm sorry for your pain, bc, but you are moving on to the next phase in your life, there is good here, too.<P>Did you expect the blaming to stop? Yes, so did I, but realize that the guilt is only NOW starting in earnest for him. Jim Beam doesn't make that much whiskey, and it is left {once again} to your shoulders to take up the slack. That is how these creatures 'think'. Otherwise, some of this might be their fault!<P>I pray for strength for you, bc. God bless you.

Joined: Feb 2001
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bc, <<he is telling everyone that I got what I wanted because he was the nice guy and didn't fight it. It makes me sound like a horrible person. Does he ever mention the fact uh that he was cheating and lying and basically living with <BR>the OW the whole time.>><P>This sounds all too familiar. My 48 yr. old H is living with his 22 yr. old, also married OW while I support them and the only reason he's not fighting the terms of the divorce any harder is that he is too incapacitated by alcohol and drugs and is lying to his attorney about it. He has no grounds and he knows it. <P><<I guess my question is after all that do the WS after divorce tend to blame the BS for everything? Of course in my case alcohol is involved too.>><P>Alcoholics blame everything on everyone else. I know, I'm married to one too. We own a business together, which he abandoned, but he tells anyone who'll listen, which at this point is only his parents and the OW, that I "stole" it from him. How could I do that if he'd been there? He was the big boss, I was the help-mate, the woman behind the man. So now I'm a greedy, selfish b****.<P><<That is why the OW is so wonderful because she will sit with my H and drink all the time. Of course his drinking has or had nothing to do with our problems either.>><P>My H's OW is more into drugs than alcohol from what I hear, but that's fine with my H, too. She told my step-son that my H's drinking is "getting out of hand." I guess she just likes it better when he smokes pot and shoots crank. They're both unemployed, both willing to throw away everything, and both willing to blame everyone else. Ah, soul-mates.<P>The only help I can offer is to recommend that you go to Al-Anon, if you're not doing this already. It has really saved me. People there understand the pain of being involved with an alcoholic, just as people here understand the pain of infidelity and divorce. You will learn that the only person you can change is yourself and that you're responsible for your own happiness. Al-Anon gives you the tools to obtain serenity no matter what the alcoholic in your life is doing.

Joined: Apr 2000
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bc, <BR>I wondered whatever happened to you. I'm sorry to hear that your H is continuing with the same type of behavior that led to your divorce. Don't believe for a minute that you are a horrible person!!! You tried and tried and expended an ocean of patience on him. Everything he says and thinks is steeped in alcohol and denial. <P>I will pray for your H that he realizes someday soon that he needs to take responsibility for his own actions. You've taken a bold and courageous step by reclaiming control over your own life. I know you wanted different results. You have a new a different life now, and I wish you all the best.

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bc,<P>It has been a long time. WOW! You've reclaimed your life. I'm happy for you.<P>Please don't listen to all the nonsense ramblings that your H dishes out. He only does this because he doesn't want to accept the responsibility for the demise of the marriage.<P>Anyone with enough sense, knows the entire story and knows who is at fault. Besides...does it really matter what others think?<P>You know that the true friends & family that you care about and who care about you, do know the truth. You also know the truth.<P>Don't let whatever nonsense your H says, get to you. He is an alcoholic and is still unwilling to accept the blame, even though he is the one who caused all of this.<P>Move forward and celebrate life. You have a new life ahead of you.<P>p.s. drop me an e-mail sometime and keep me updated on your progress

Joined: Oct 1999
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Survivor,<BR>Yes it has been quite a while and many ups and downs but mostly downs. I wish somehow my H could at least admit what he did wrong and tell me he was sorry for what happened but he just keeps lying about all of it. I saw him leaving the OW's house one morning and when I asked him about it he said he wasn't there just after I saw him pull out. So what does that say he is dealing with less than a full deck. In fact not too long ago he told me that they were just really good friends this is after he had been practically living there with her. What a joke. I probably am hoping for something that I will never get but to get some closure it would have been nice. But to say that I have to live with what I have done to him by selling the house etc. that is a very hard pill to swallow. And of course when I said that he was running around cheating and lying for two years what was I suppose to do just ignore it he got mad and said oh yeah it is always his fault. I can't win for trying because no matter what I say he just turns it right back around. And I could just spit at the OW too for struting around like she has the prize like she is a prize and she makes my skin crawl cause my H actually sticks up for her and says it isn't her fault and I shouldn't be mean to her. HE never saw mean I am too good for what she really deserved. However I did ask her why if my H wanted her sooooo bad that he was never the one to file for divorce or to expedite the divorce and if she was the one why did he still come home periodically and not totally move in with her. Maybe now that reality sets in and he can't come home (as of July 29th he has to be out of our house period) it won't be so much fun. The game is over and she has won but what she got might not be what she wanted or vice versa. Oh by the way what is your email seeing my computer died recently and I lost most of my email addresses.

Joined: Apr 1999
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It’s easier to blame others for his shortcomings rather than accept the fact he messed up and have to deal with he is less than he really is.<P><B>I wish somehow my H could at least admit what he did wrong and tell me he was sorry for what happened b</B><BR>Probably won’t happen but not much you can do about it. Just know that you did the best you could.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Joined: Jul 2001
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Sounds like my selfish exH. He did everything he could to make sure we got divorced. Then when I moved out of our house I left his house really nice, even cleaned it spotless and decorated for him and he sat on the couch and cried that he had lost his family and was angry at me for not being sympathetic. He threw is family away.<P>He walked through every room and cried because they were empty.<P>I just never will understand what goes through their heads.

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bc,<P>My e-mail addy is greyriders_wife@yahoo.com<P>Remember that for 2 years, you put up with his crap. You gave him 2 years worth of chances and he threw it in your face. He put you through hell so don't feel bad about divorcing him. He got what he deserves. Now that reality is setting in, he is seeing the consequences for his actions. He knows what he did was wrong. He just doesn't want to accept that. So, he pushes the guilt-trip on to you.<P>Ignore him. He isn't your problem anymore. If he rambles...then, so what! Anyone in their right minds, wouldn't listen to him anyway. Everyone who knows him, knows that he is involved in an affair with a Barfly and between his drinking & the Barfly...it is obvious to all why you filed for divorce.<P>bc...you are young and you have so much to live for. Celebrate life and move forward. Things will get better. Really, they will...


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