A BRAND NEW HAT<P>There was a little old lady standing at a corner one windy day. She was using both hands to keep her hat on while the wind blew her dress up.<P>A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, like that, while you stand there holding your hat on."<P>"Look," she said, "everything under the dress is seventy years old, the hat is brand new!"<BR>

Here is a great blonde joke. (I am blonde so it is okay.)<P>THE MIRACLE SPRAY<P>A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.<P>The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry.<P>A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.<P>"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."<P>The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do.<P>She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road.<P>Ten feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.<P>The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"<P>The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.<P>It said:<P>"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."<BR>

Not to dog out blondes, but here is another:<P>THE HAIR CUT<BR>A blonde walks into a salon wearing headphones. The stylist was a little shocked and politely asks, "Ma'am, could you remove the headphones?"<BR>"No! If I take them off, I'll die!" answered the blonde.<P>The stylist agreed to work around them. The blonde retured a few months later, still with headphones on. "Could you please take off the headphones, this time?" asked the stylist. <P>The blonde gave her the same answer as before, "I'll die if I take them off!" <P>Again, the stylist works around them. The third time, the blonde returns, still wearing headphones. Obviously fustrated, the stylist tells her, "Listen, I'm not working around those headphones again! Take them off!"<P>The blonde yells back at her, "I will DIE if I take them off!" The stylist reaches over and yanks them off. To her surprise, the blonde stopped breathing and fell to the floor.<P>"What the hell was she listening to?" asked the stylist. She put one end up to her ear and heard a voice repeating;<P>"Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out."<BR>

Another blonde joke. You see, because I am blonde myself, everyone sends me a lot of blonde jokes. This is one of my personal favorites only because you can get a great visual of this and it makes it even funnier.<P>THE BLONDE ON HORSEBACK<P>A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.<P>She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms<BR>around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.<P>Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and<BR>over. <P>As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, when to her great fortune Bill, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by sballplyr (edited July 23, 2001).]

I can see that I'm outgunned on the Blonde jokes so I'll change the subject:<P>The Royal Wedding<P>On the day of the Royal wedding, Cinderella was getting dressed, surrounded by all of her family. She suddenly realized she had forgotten to get shoes. Panic!<P>Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Cinderella for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Cinderella's feet were hurting real bad.<P>When she and Jethro withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.<P>The rest of the family crowded around the door of the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected; grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."<P>"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."<P>Then, to their surprise, they heard Jethro say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Jethro said, "My God. That was even tighter."<P>"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."<BR>

LIFE IN TEXAS<P>Never squat with yer spurs on.<P>There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works. <P>Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.<P>If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.<P>After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along...and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep...your mouth shut. <P>If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. <P>Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. <P>It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. <P>Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. <P>Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey. <P>Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.<P>Always drink upstream from the herd. <P>Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly. <P>If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.<P>When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.<P>When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.<P>Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.<P>Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was. <P>The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.<P>Never miss a good chance to shut up. <P>Finally, never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.<P>(In honor of my friend, "AgoodmanfromTX"--heehee)<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Yea, Ya got me.. ;-)<P>And never a wiser word have been said..<P>I was going to say something "Tart", but as I was reading them I started thinking, Yep. These are all very true. <P>Thanks CJ.<P>Yehaaawww, God Bless Texas<P>Tex.<P>

Ultimate Comebacks to Common Pickup Lines:<P><BR>Man: Where have you been all my life ?<BR>Woman: Hiding from you.<P>Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?<BR>Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.<P>Man: Is this seat empty?<BR>Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.<P>Man: Your place or mine?<BR>Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.<P>Man: So, what do you do for a living?<BR>Woman: I'm a female impersonator.<P>Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?<BR>Woman: Do not enter.<P>Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?<BR>Woman: Unfertilized.<P>Man: Your body is like a temple.<BR>Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.<P>Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.<BR>Woman: But would you stay there?<P>Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.<BR>Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Okay, I said no more posting, but I have a good blond joke too. Sad thing is it was sent to me via e-mail by a Government Offical. This is what our fine tax dollars pay them to do, send jokes all day.<P>>Subject: CAUGHT LEAVING THE OFFICE EARLY<BR>><BR>>Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.<BR>>Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided <BR>>that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she <BR>>never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home <BR>>early?<BR>><BR>>The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,<BR>>spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was<BR>>elated to be able to get in a quickworkout at the spa before meeting a <BR>>dinner date.<BR>><BR>>The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when<BR>>she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and<BR>>quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in <BR>>bed with her lady boss!<BR>><BR>>Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day,<BR>>at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early<BR>>again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No <BR>>way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"<BR>><BR>><BR>Fitting for the MB, huh?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by eyes_wide_shut (edited July 23, 2001).]

I know, I know.... it's TUESDAY... <BR>But, heck, I'm always running late... but at least I'm always running <P><B>HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN <P>Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her, Support <BR>her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her, Smile at <BR>her, Listen to her, Laugh with her, Cry with her, Romance her, Believe in her, Respect her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her, Give her jewelry, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand, Write love letters to her, Go to the end of the earth and back again for her. <P>HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN <BR>Show up naked. Bring food. </B><BR>

World's Shortest Books<P>20. Beauty Secrets by Janet Reno<BR>19. Home Built Airplanes by John Denver<BR>18. How To Get To The Super Bowl by Dan Marino<BR>17. Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton<BR>16. My Life's Memories by Ronald Reagan<BR>15. Things I Can't Afford by Bill Gates<BR>14. Things I Wouldn't Do For Money by Dennis Rodman<BR>13. The Wild Years by Al Gore<BR>12. Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean<BR>11. America's Most Popular Lawyers<BR>10. Detroit - A Travel Guide<BR>9. Collection Of Motivational Speeches by Dr. Kevorkian<BR>8. Everything Men Know About Women<BR>7. Everything Women Know About Men<BR>6. All The Men I've Loved Before by Ellen DeGeneres<BR>5. Guide To Dating Etiquette by Mike Tyson<BR>4. Spotted Owl Recipes by the Sierra Club<BR>3. The Amish Phone Directory<BR>2. My Plan To Find The Real Killers by OJ Simpson <BR>And the World's Number One Shortest Book... <BR>1. My Book Of Morals - by Bill Clinton & Jesse Jackson<P>

Sorry guys but I just had to post this one. I am sure you will enjoy.<P>THE NEXT SURVIVOR SHOW<P>Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor"<BR>show?<P>Six men will be dropped on an island with one van and four kids each, for six weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.<P>There is no access to fast food.<P>Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.<P>The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done: There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.<P>The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.<P>The kids vote them off based on performance.<P>The winner gets to go back to his job.<BR>

Taxi Driver<P><BR>A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”<P>The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”<P>The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”<BR>

Two elderly couples were having dinner together at one couple's house. After the meal, the women went to the kitchen to get coffee and dessert, while the men stayed at the table and talked.<P>"We had a fine dinner last Saturday at that restaurant..." one said.<P>"Which one?" the other asked.<P>"It's called... it's right on the tip of my tongue... um... what's the flower, it's usually red, and has thorns?"<P>"You mean a rose?"<P>"Yes, that's it," said the first. He turned and yelled to the kitchen: "Hey! Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we ate at last Saturday?"<P><BR>

This is one of my personal favorites being the computer field and all. I think everyone can relate to this.<P>THE MONKEY<P>A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying, "That will be $5,000". The customer paid and walked out with his<BR>monkey.<BR> <BR>Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?!". The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth it!"<P>The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive- $10,000! What does it do?" <BR>"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff", said the shopkeeper.<P>The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. She gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"<BR> <BR>The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant."

I need some humor today so here are a couple of cute one's for all of you.<P>God Is Watching...<P>The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a parochial school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The teacher made a note, "Take only one, God is watching."<P>Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One of the boys wrote a note, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."<P><BR>Death of my Goldfish...<P>Little Amy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Amy?"<P>"My goldfish died," replied Amy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."<P>The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"<P>Amy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."<P>