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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 58
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Posts: 58
My husband has been asking me for months to be honest with him. There are many things that we have come to terms with since he filed divorce on me, but there are some things I just don't feel ok sharing with him. The other day I admited that I wasn't attracted to him physically. He was very hurt, mad and confused and left the house. Didn't come back until 4:00 a.m. when he picked a big fight with me. We didn't talk about it again until counselling the other day. The counsellor said that he can't expect me to feel that way towards him, but that there may be a point where he can't take that kind of rejection and may want to continue with the divorce. <P>Can't we get back together without this big sex thing? I personally don't see what that part of our marriage has to do with the rest of our restoration issues. I feel like my mom is on my right shoulder saying "See.....if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all". I just wish I didn't hurt my husband like that. <P>This is the sad part. I was a virgin when I met my husband - we both were. I was l5 and he was l4. Neither of us had another sexual experience until I had my affair. He is hurt that he may not have been this big Romeo to me in bed all of these years (we've been married 16 years). He asks me gross specific questions about what this other guy did for me and why I was attracted to him like that. It's embarassing, and I hate those questions. I don't know how to deal with them.<P>Is all of this honesty necessary?<P>Peggy

Joined: Jul 2001
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Sorry if this sounds nasty.. <P>But you're not leaving him with a hell of allot. Sex is a very important component of marriage as is trust and respect. You broke the trust and showed a lack of respect by having the A, then to tell him he is not attractive leaves him very little to hang on to. <P>Is the honesty needed? Well most books I have read about getting over A's say you should be honest and tell the partner all the details they want once, have a sit down frank discussion and then both should drop it and not dewl on it again. <P>I am sure he is confused and trying to sort it all out in his head just how much a chance this marriage has. Telling him he is no good in bed or that you do not find him desirable is not going to help reassure him there is. <P>JMHO.<P>

Joined: Feb 2000
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Peggy!<BR>Quit torturing yourself (and him) and call OM.....If all you miss is your "family"....you're young, start a new one!<P>Trust me....most men can't live like you want him(H)to...<P>Best Wishes!<BR>Xman

Joined: Jan 1999
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I DO NOT agree with XMAN.<BR>You did the deed, you deal with the consequences.<BR>If he needs you to stand on your head for 15 days, do it.<BR>Ok..well maybe 15 minutes.<BR>But seriously, if he needs to hear the gross details, tell him. If he needs you to call him every hour on the dot call him. If he needs your proof of loyalty, prove it.<BR>The reality is you made a decision that has negative impact.<BR>If you want your marriage to work, deal with the negatives now to get the positive results later.<BR>Do you want to be with him?<BR>That other man is just a coverup for whatever drove you to do what you have done. WHY did this happen and HOW do I deal with this are 2 important questions to answer to yourself.<BR>Trust is a hard thing to get back, but it is not impossible.<BR>In fact, I believe with hard work on your part, you can get it back. And why shouldn't you work hard? You worked to get yourself into this mess, now work harder to get yourself out of it.<BR>But that is the most obvious issue...the real answers lie in the reasons your marriage is not working for you.<BR>Deal with those issues too, but for now if you want your marriage to work you'll have to heal the trust most of all.<BR>Once you begin that, I think your H will be more likely to sit and deal with the REAL reasons with you.<BR>Y<BR>

Joined: Jun 2001
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Dear livingInLimbo,<BR>I recommend reading about the 5 languages of love. In it it talks about how people express their love in different languages. If you can't speak or understand your mates language, your relationship is in serious jepardy. And sex is usually VERY BIG in the male language. When you reject that, you reject his expression of love to you.<P>I wish I had learned this earlier. Like many wives, when the children were very time consuming and my job stresses pressed, I felt I was too tired to even contemplate sex. Women more often speak the verbal language, while men more often express themselves in sex. I did not realize at the time how important this was to my H (actually I don't think he did either.) And who knows, maybe letting himself express his feelings this way will bring back attraction for you.<BR>Lisa<BR><P>------------------<BR>Character is determined by what you do when no one is watching.

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Thanks for your responses, I really appreciate it and I really need the advice. Someone here on a post not too long ago said "Fake it till you make it". I have tried to take that to heart. <P>Please don't get me wrong - I have told my husband that if he needs sex then I'm totoally fine with it. I didn't even want to tell him in the first place that I wasn't attracted to him, but he pushed me and hounded me for so long that I just said it instead of really choosing my words better. I don't expect him to live without sex. Our marriage counsellor said that this isn't the time to think about being physical anyway. I'm not saying that I'll never feel anything for him.....but how can I make promises like that to him. <P>We have read The Five Languages of Love. <P>So....I won't deny him sex, but he said that he will wait until I want it as much as he does. Talk about pressure. <P>One more thing - I totally realize that I have screwed up, and I'm doing everything I can to rebuild our life together. I pray all the time that I will start to feel something for my husband physically and emotionally. I want to keep my family together and I was us to be a happy couple. I know he deserves better than this, and I would understand if he changed his mind again and wanted to go through with the divorce. <P>Peggy


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