Married 15 years, together 20. No children together. Divorced for 2 mos. Seperated 15 mos.<P>Just curious how many out there have wayward X's that still want contact with you after the D. <P>He is being pretty insistent about being able to talk to me. I have kept him at bay for approx 9+ mos (Plan B).<P>Any contact with him is hurtful for me. But I just don't understand why he wants contact. He has no legal or legitimate reasons. <P>Anyone else out there with an X that is doing the same? Remember, we have no children.<P>Your thoughts???<P>Jo<P>------------------<BR>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 05, 2001).]

OMG! I take the "NO responses" as no one's X's want contact after D. Jeeeez! Where does that leave me. The only person on this forum who has an X (WS) who wants contact even tho we have no children together. <P>C'mon, I can't be the only one, AM I???<P>Jo

Wow Jo, I remember when you first posted - have I been here THAT long...geeezzzz<P>Anyway, my H still wants contact, we have no children. He suggested we buy a house together the other day so we can get a nicer place. This is also the man that told me a few months ago, 'ya know, some people divorce and then get back together'..... <P>I am committed to another person now. It is hard to deal with and I wish I could offer more help - I just try and be polite. Our divorce will be final in about a month.

YEP! Daily. No children. It seems X is constantly looking for a reason to call or come by. Married 17 years, together for 19. Divorced since 7/12/01. Some days when I talk to him I'm a B**tch, others he's asking if there is a possibility of getting back together and getting on with our life. I just try to be nice and not lead him on. There is no future for us. He's living in a hotel right now, waiting on his rent house to be ready - his stuff is still here at the house. I'm ready for some closure. I think my X just doesn't like to loose. And he's lost me, and "his" house as he puts it. We live in a small town so seeing each other after all stuff is completely separated is probably inevitable. At least it's mostly civil.<P>

Thanks Genesforme and Cagney,<P>So Cagney, may I ask, are you the BS or the WS? Just curious.<P>Do you both still love your Hs?<P>Jo

Contact? I wish she would just leave me alone!<P>It is different for me, I guess. I still want to be part of her D's life, so I have <B>had</B> to keep in contact. <P>Yet as our divorce proceedings went on, her relationship with OM began to fall apart. A couple of months after the divorce was final, they finally broke up, and my Ex started to call me every day.<P>She did a bang-up job of killing any love I had for her, yet when she found herself all alone, she (naturally) wanted to turn to me.<P>So yeah, I've had to deal with this, too. I still don't know what it means, or how to handle it, but I'd really just like to move on with my life!

x is with OM but for some reason and even after she got d and restraining order she still finds reasons to call me and we have no children together either, funny thing is she acts like nothing ever happened, she is still with OM and i keep the talk to a minute or 2. It is painful for me and I don't really want to talk to her.<P>

My XW wanted plenty of contact after the divorce. I wasn't picking up the phone ... at least very often. So she would drop by ...<P>Then, I decided I couldn't walk around with a small piece of knowledge that I had ... that an uncle of hers had moved to town with two young daughters ... and another uncle living in the same town had once taken a crack at molesting XW. So I asked XW if she would give me some comfort that the one uncle would receive some mention of what the other uncle was capable of. No answer. So finally, I did it myself. <P>XW doesn't want contact with me anymore. A heavy price to be sure (and I realize that I'm certainly not the only one who paid a price--there was also a price imposed on others by me). But small in relation to what could have happened to those girls.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Resilient:<BR>[B]Thanks Genesforme and Cagney,<P>______________________________________________________<BR>So Cagney, may I ask, are you the BS or the WS? Just curious.<BR>_______________________________________________________<P>I was the BS last year. We got back together and went to counseling, didn't help much because H still continued his pattern of verbal abuse and drinking and lying. And didn't make the changes the counselor said he would need to make. I did meet someone after the separation papers were drawn up. So technically I guess I am a WS also. <P>__________________________________________<BR>Do you both still love your Hs?<BR>__________________________________________<P>Do I still love him? No. I care about him - care about what happens to him. But my love and respect for him died last year when I found out about his very public affair with one of our employees and it was dying before that because of the escalated public verbal abuse (which has always been there) that he heaped on me in the office in front of employees.<P><BR>

<raising hand><P>I was the guilty party who wanted continued contact with my ex, and still do.<P>In my case, there are children, so that's a part of it. Also, and I know it isn't a "right," but I do care that he's well and happy, so when I talk to him, I do ask how he's doing personally.

Married 12 years and have 3 children so obviously we have almost daily contact.<P>But every so often she will initiate other types of contact. She may want to go for a walk while holding hands or she may want me to come over after the girls go to sleep and spend the night. Like a LostPuppy I'm still there to meet any of her needs. While if I initiate anything, it doesn't go anywhere.<P>And yes, this contact is hurtful to me. I'm always an emotional wreck afterwords. Some day I will be strong enough to "Just Say No", but I guess in the back of mind I still hold a flame of hope for our relationship to return.<P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

Divorced. No kids. My XH still keeps in touch and has mentioned getting back together but is still in a relationship that is on again, off again. I don't know if I should just wait until it fizzles out which I know it will. I have a strong feeling he doesn't love her and wants his old life back. Yes, I do still love him very much!

I was pretty hard with my Ex wife.. she had an affair and divorced me to be with him... and i told her "do NOT call me", "do NOT come see me"..."I DONT KNOW YOU"<BR>well she was not pleased with that, and wanted to stay friends and go out to lunch and stuff... I proceeded to explain to her how i like my "friends" to be a little more honest.<BR>See this "being friends" crap doesnt nothing but make the WS feel better. By accepting a friendship from a person that cheated on you, you are just telling them "oh its ok that you were married to me and cheated".<P>That is all my ex wife wanted...hell even when she sees me now, she is nervous as hell... and she wanted to be friends???<BR>She just wanted me to say "yes" so it would seem like I was alright with getting screwed over.<P>But that is just my opinion <BR><P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

Hi all,<P>I am heading in the direction of divorce and have three small children but I just wanted to share Dr. Harley's thoughts on contact after divorce (due to an affair): he actually scoffs at the idea of a WS EXPECTING to be friendly after a divorce. Obviously if there are children involved there needs to be some sort of contact, but for those WS's expecting to be included in family events and invites to dinner, they are way out there. It is all what the BS wants to do and what they can tolerate. <P>I know my WS originally thought he may spend time in our house (which will be my house after divorce) while watching our children and I am at work, and that just won't be happening and he doesn't see why. He also thinks he'll be the first one I call for home repairs. I think he visualizes "us" as friends and he'll be stuffing his face at the dinner table, swimming in the pool and relaxing in front of the television, and when all is said and done, he'll go "home" to his "single life" of no responsibilities and OW. I way I see it, it will be more of a Plan B type scenario forever, I am however, more than willing to be cordial for the children's sake when there is no alternative than to be somewhere together, i.e. school functions, sports functions, etc.<P>Dr. Harley emphasized that the ball is in my court regarding contact and that I need not go out of my way to accommodate what it is that he wants regarding "us".<BR>

Do I still love my H? That's a tough one - dare I say - I love him but I am not 'In Love' with him.....or will that gag everyone? lol....<P>I do still love him, but he damaged the relationship so badly - I could never trust him again, so after much counseling, decided to move on. We will be friends, we are friends and still share some time together. I invited his mom to my new church and she is attending, so we will see each other around town.