I made the attempt to ask my H what needs i wasn't meeting of his,first it was admiration because i verbalized what needs of mine weren't getting met.He has been going through a medical problembut instead of sharing his fears with me he has chosen others to share with,meanwhile i'm left to feel like ther is something wrong with me. He tells me that all i think about are my needs and that i'm being selfish. i have tried not complain and he is more considerate for a short time but then its back to waiting on some kind of attention from him. He acts like this is a new problem since his medical problem,theres nothing new about it. he has endless time for friends,but i guess i'm just not one of them. if i seem bitter i am,i'm tired of being alone!

mare--<P>how long have you been married? sounds like your H is exhibiting classic male "separate orientedness." for a certain sector of men, their freedom is highly prized, time with friends and sports required. sounds like he doesn't understand what a relationship means. to me, it means being INCLUDED in his life and someone else's needs as important as his own. <P>here are some suggestions, I hope they help, if not...file 13 them. <P>explain to him, calmly and sweetly, that you wish to spend more time with him...that you love him and feel like second fiddle to other things in his life...that an hour before bedtime doesn't meet your needs of spending quality time with him doing something you BOTH like to do. ask him if he could rearrange his schedule some nights for more time with you, and that many of things YOU like to do, you want to do WITH him. <P>there's always another strategy, if you think it's worth a try....you be busy too for awhile. sooooo busy you don't have time for HIM. but you've got to play it carefully--you want to teach him something about missing you, not drive him away further. when he complains, be calm..."oh! hmm, you're right, we haven't been spending much time together lately. what do you suggest?" and see what he says. work it, and above all, don't dig the lesson in too deeply by complaining about HIS time away with any "edge" to it...you want him to WANT to be with you. <P>that being said, I think when my H comes home in awhile I'm going to be upset. he's already an hour late and I don't feel particularly like being nice about it. c'est la vie. time for ME to be busy? lol<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

Thanks Laura for the reply,you waiting on your h brings up another complaint of his. say he comes in at 10:30 after i've waited for him all evening,i'm usually steaming by then and it's hard not to be,well he suggests that i just be glad for the time i do get with him and not give him the cold shoulder or complain so as not to waste the time we do have together,which is about 1/2 hr,before he falls asleep on the couch or wants to go to bed. i made his favorite meal last nite after listening him voice his complaint that i don't make it. he was gone 6hrs. don't know where and his meal is still sitting in the sink. And he's gone again.

Why don't you try initiating something? Maybe ask him to dinner and a movie, make the reservations, pay for stuff, and listen to him talk for a while? Or take him dancing or something? Oh, let me guess, you tried all that hundreds of times. He never takes you anywhere. He never wants to talk to you. He only wants to see his friends.<P>If he's talking to his friends and not you, it's because they are giving him a level of support and empathy that you are not. <P>If you want things to be different than they are, you have to initiate the change. Standing there complaining because nobody else is making changes for you won't help. People follow examples, not instructions.<P>I lived with a woman for eight years who complained constantly that I didn't spend enough time with her. Meanwhile I worked and she didn't, I made supper for the kids when I got home, cleaned the kitchen, mowed the lawn, fixed the cars, renovated the house, put the kids to bed, hell, I was exhausted. Never saw her though. She was in the bubble bath with a book complaining that I didn't make enough time for her. I might have been able to if I wasn't so busy, and she could have helped me with that. Heck, most women can paint if they want to. If it's got to be done, why not do it together? But I wasn't "spending quality time" with her unless I was taking her to the fancy places in town. I was tired and broke.<P>Now she does her own lawn. Only the front lawn though, doesn't have time to do the back lawn. I go to dinner with a different woman who does listen as much as she talks and does know where her wallet is! Plus I have about twice as much "recreational time". I don't miss the lazy navel gazer all that much. Miss my kids though. Have them this weekend and I have lots of fun things planned.<BR>

Nonplussed;<P>Goll-gee......<P>I've done that initiating thing.<P>Hired a gardener so he wouldn't have to deal with the yardwork. <P>Hired a housekeeper so I wouldn't be worn out from trying to keep the house clean to his standards. <P>Watch his child so that he has free time to pursue his recreational interests.<P>Cook meals every night (I HATE to cook) without complaint so that we don't spend a fortune eating out, (hey, that money going to the gardener & housekeeper has to come from somewhere).<P>Bring home a very respectable paycheck.<P>All that THIS seemed to accomplish was to take away any feeling of ownership in the house. It could be falling down around our ears & he wouldn't notice. If I ask him to attend to any maintenance or repair chores, he has a fit. I don't ask anymore. If I can't fix it myself, I try to find a competent repair-person.<P><BR>I've arranged evenings out. The last romantic evening I planned, (and discussed with him, trying to get him excited that we were having an evening out, alone, just the two of us), he showed up half an hour late with a customer in tow!<P>I'm not big on "going out". I'm just as happy having a quiet evening at home. I've gotten a little gunshy about planning a special evening at home or out on the town. It seems like I get pretty excited about it & when I get zero response, I get pretty disappointed.<P>I arranged our vacations this summer.<P>I jump in and take care of things to help him out, e.g. take him to the airport and take his child home so that he can have less stress and more time with his child prior to a business trip.<P>When he wants to talk, & the only things he ever wants to talk about are his sports interest & work, I listen, attempt to respond intelligently, & used to be fairly interested. I don't really bother telling him a whole lot, his eyes just kind of glaze over.<P>I keep lowering my expectations. I fulfill as many of my needs outside the marriage as I can (& still be able to look myself in the eye). My problem seems to be that I just don't "get it".<P>My example-providing yielded..... not a whole lot. He spends a great deal of time pursuing his "recreational interests", which do not include me, (I have taken lessons and invested a fair amount of time & money in his sports interest, I am not good enough at it to not embarrass him, and I'm not even remotely interested in spending the 10 hours or so a week with him that he devotes to porn.) The time that he devotes to me and our marriage consists of cleaning up after dinner, (gotta give him points for that), laying down on the sofa with the channel changer & falling asleep, (then griping that I go to bed too early ?!?!?!?), then rolling on top of me in the am with an ems......<P>Leading by example doesn't always work<p>[This message has been edited by Stumblin (edited September 26, 1999).]

mare, stumblin, you two are already bending over backwards and eating you know what to make you marriage work. i wouldn't expect you to do anything more. from what i can tell, it's now up to you to make a decision. do you want to continue or not. there are many on this board who will advise you to work on it to the bitter end,i.e., your life. the problem i have with that advice is that who ever posts on this board is advised to do all the work when that's what they are already doing. it's like all you get is advice on how to eat more you know what. i believe you two have already done enough. so, continue to tolerate it all as you can or are willing and then start planning your break. remember, the grass looks greener on the other side because it is. good luck!!

Frankie I'm beginning to think that your right. It's been 12 days since my last post because I was lulled into a false sense of security thinking that my cries for his attention had been heard. I had voiced my needs and although he stated that I was being selfish and only thinking of myself he actually started to make an effort to spend more time with me. I in the meanwhile said nothing when he came home from work late and got on the computer to talk to others. And so here I am once again sitting alone while he is off with a friend and did't even have the courtesy to tell me he was leaving. He'll come home and expect me to greet him with a cheerful hello,I'm not allowed to be upset because that would just ruin the time we do have together and I should just appreciate that time. Your right I am the only one that is working and bending over backwards to make this marriage work. I don't know about the grass being any greener on the other side but I do know that the grass is very brown on this side and will eventually need replaced. Thanks for your support I was beginning to believe that I was the selfish one.

double post deleted<p>[This message has been edited by Alice (edited October 03, 1999).]

Nonpulsed. What you had to put up with!! I can't believe some women!!<BR>Why I bet that lazy, selfish women of yours did't even take care of your kid's while you worked all day, probably did'nt lift a finger!! Those kid's were in day care no doubt, which you had to pay for!! I'm sure there's NO WAY you were making her feel useless and non-contributing, so she couldn't have been just living up to your expectations. What IS her problem?!<BR>Thank God you found a woman who "knows where her wallet is" and can stomach listening to you, she's a better woman than me by golly!<BR>Now...if she does yard work...you could have a real catch there!!<p>[This message has been edited by Changeling (edited October 01, 1999).]