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#717061 12/01/01 06:32 PM
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I have recently went through with a divorce based on my own decision. My husband and I had been struggling for years and unfortunately my heart was hardened. He forced me to make a decision and I found another man who was everything my husband was not. So I thought. I was with him for four months until God broke me and softened my heart. Things went very fast and we were even engaged for about a month in the end and he began to work for me. Well, God showed me that I wasn't thinking clearly because of the hardening of my heart. He is a wonderful man, but he is not my husband and who God intended for me to be with for life. During my current struggles I still do "feel" at times he has qualities that my husband doesn't have in ways, but God has placed heavy on my heart as to what is right versus what I feel and what is deceptive. He is not my husband and there is no comparison. The trouble is I find myself enslaved to my feelings more than I ever thought I would and it is very tough to not give in, but other than some ending friendship conversation because of the business relationship with this person I am remaining strong and will not go backwards in direction. He has since found another job and moved to a different area and that provides both me and my husband comfort.

To give you full insight on our marriage history, my husband was not a Christian and about four years ago received Christ. Unfortunately, that is when I had my first affair and life seemed to get better after that. Since then and up until a few days before our divorce I was feeling no emotion or remorse. God softened my heart, opened my eyes and I have since October 9, 2001 been seeking reconciliation with my husband. We have 3 children and they are all blessed with amazing, loving qualities. I was in my own little world and thinking that I was doing us all a favor. In the process, I hurt my husband and our oldest daughter who is 15 more than I could try and describe or imagine. God has been working in my life and helping me seek the truth to the why's. I have a strong desire to understand what caused me to become someone I never thought I was capable of becoming. He has led me to a few books such as: Torn Asunder, Hope for the Separated, and His word.<p>Unfortunately, my husband has since June found another woman who has all of the qualities that I never showed him for years. Well, that is how he feels anyway and I did such a good job convincing him and me of certain issues that he now believes to be accurate. My failures stem from my history, family and environment, but are not uncorrectable. I have since broken every bondage barrier between my husband and I and things go wonderful between us except for his confusion for this woman. I have turned everything over to the Lord and He continues to place on my heart the desire for knowledge, direction and understanding. My husband sees the differences and acknowledges them, but struggles with the history and record. He is skeptical and confused and questions sincerity, but knows that the Lord can change anyone and nothing is impossible when you have your trust and faith in Him. I fear the worst for our family and children. All of the pain and emotion that I have experienced is nothing compared to the hurt I created for him and our family. I continue to research books for insight and knowledge about the future and it scares me to death. Our children according to many pieces of literature will suffer from this for years to come, but this is not the only reason I am seeking reconciliation. My husband and I have had our troubles, but have never looked into some deep issues in order to correct and compromise. Now I have and my husband is going the other direction. He is not seeking Godly counsel or biblical truth that will help him grow personally. It is very tough to stand by and watch things possibly take a turn for the worst and forever. He knows we have great qualities and said himself that he feels we will get past this, but it is not reflected in his actions. Honestly, it is like he is blaming me for his affair and continued involvement with this woman. It is a continued act of retaliation towards me. I feel that way because he even brought this woman to our church in front of our church family and friends and me.<p>Some things that add to confusion and don't make sense is that we primarily had problems in the area of intimacy, communication and seeing eye to eye. All of these chains of bondage have been broken. We have shared intimacy, communication more in the past two months than we ever did in our eight years of marriage. He has been intimate with this woman and so far has refrained from continuing this, but does continue the desire to see her. He makes effort into us, but will not end his relationship with her and until he does we cannot begin to develop the relationship God and we seek that will be forever strong, blessed and successful toward reaching the kingdom of God. I know the obvious reasons why, but what can I do??? My prayers and desire toward righteous decisions and life will continue always.<p>We have been intimate and I do not feel this is wrong because we are still married in God's eyes, but I cannot continue in this type of circle. He
fears loss of me and of her, but she gives him more comfort and security. He continues to be honest with me about everything, but refuses to be totally honest with her about us due to his fear comfortable loss. He knows and understands the over-whelming difficutly of emotion because of his previous intimacy with this woman, but in turn allows deception to prevail.<p>I continue to pray, read, and look for direction, but the roller coaster ride doesn't change. The minute he says he is planning to end things, he changes his heart and mind and actions. I am concerned for us and looking for some direction on what I can best do more than what I am doing. I know that God does not share the desire to have a family separate for any reason and if we are able to understand the reasons why and develop a stronger foundation that will continue for a lifetime then He would be pleased. God was able to take a very broken woman with an extremely hardened heart into a 180 direction of understanding, forgiveness, grace and desire to seek His will for family unity and the continued strenth to build a strong foundation for my husband and children. I did not and could not have had the strength or energy to do that on my own or continue to survive the pain now.<p>Please share any thoughts of experience or by God's grace and guidance that you can with me and I will be forever grateful.<p>Thank you,
Angel<p>[ December 04, 2001: Message edited by: integrityangel ]</p>

#717062 12/01/01 06:53 PM
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First off angel that is a courageous thing you did by following the will of God and not your own in wanting to reconcile with the husband of your youth. Secondly, please go to a website called restorem.org, it will change your life! It is all biblical based approach to healing and restoring your marriage, from a woman who had experienced adultery, divorce, and marital restoration.<p>Continue to pray for your husband and for strength to carry on. Be available to him when he needs you, and always fulfill his sexual needs.<p>I will keep you in my prayers!

#717063 12/01/01 11:49 PM
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SEBREA,<p>Thank you very much for your encouraging words and direction. The website you provided to me does have some outstanding, God-filled, God-centered testimony and will change my life. The tears are starting to fade away and I have turned over my failures to the Lord. He continues to strengthen me in many ways and by my desire to seek His will has already moved in the lives of close friends of mine. May you be blessed for your continued ministry and friendship. Thank you my friend for your prayer and support. I want you to know that I will cherish your words and be here for you if ever needed.<p>Heather

#717064 12/02/01 09:14 AM
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I am a member of restore ministries and read your story with great interest. I hope you will grab hold of Erins book and workbook right away. Right now, you must concentrate on God changing you and let God take care of any changes your husband needs to make. Its important that you focus on your relationship with God first and foremost, as sometimes He allows these things to bring you in a closer relationship with Him. If you haven't done so already, check out their web page about where to begin for restoration. There may be some differing opinions between their approach and the Harley's, but you have to search and find your own pathway.
I have just two of my own things to add, that I know are covered in Erin's material, but I feel is important to say. First, you must get your mind off OW and do not discuss this person with your ex! No matter what you say, it will work against you and he will end of defending her!! You must win him back "without a word", which is discussed in the book. Second, as for sexual intimacy--if you are still married, then it is perfectly okay, but if you are divorced,there is to be no physical intimacy!!This is addressed very specifically in Erins book and videos.
As she says, the path to restoration is narrow and difficult. I wish you all the best and pray for your restoration.

#717065 12/02/01 09:13 PM
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Heather,<p>I am glad that I was able to give you some hope. Do order the restore ministries materials, and keep hope alive-and PRAY!


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