My stbxh walked out on me and my two boys (2 & 6) after 8 years of marriage. He says he doesn't love me anymore and that he gave all he could and just couldn't do it anymore. I admit that I didn't do my fair share in the beginning of the marriage when we were having problems but I gave all I had in the last year of our marriage....I guess you could say I woke up and I wanted more. My stbxh even admitted to me that he knew and saw that I was trying to make our marriage work but he couldn't do it anymore and gave up. Apparently he met another woman at work and he says they were "friends" the last 6 months or so of our marriage. Well, I can't believe that anymore because they started really getting involved a month after he walked out. He tells me he cares about me but he doesn't love me. How can he care about me and do this? He just gave up completely and hasn't looked back. What exactly constitutes a MLC? I know he has a lot of baggage from his past, things he has not dealt with.....things I barely even know about myself. Could his past lead to a MLC? My counselor thinks there are mental and emotional problems and that he needs help. Of course, my stbxh tells me that his past has nothing to do with his decision but I can honestly say that I don't think he has ever been happy. I have quit trying to help him because he doesn't want my help. He is in denial. I am trying to help myself now because I have suffered from emotional, mental and verbal abuse. He did admit to me that he can't be alone and I believe that this OW is why he walked out, he had someone else to be with. This has been a roller coaster ride. I admit that we had our problems in our marriage as everyone does but I know that I did what I thought I needed to do to be a good wife. I am coming to the realization now that I could never love him the way he needs to be loved or be the wife that he needs......I have finally seen that his love for me was conditional and mine was unconditional. <p>Me and my children are still trying to pick up the pieces to our lives but we are living in a state of peace that I can't ever remember living in.<p>If there is anyone else out there that is going through something like my situation would it be possible to e-mail each other? I have my family to talk to but I feel that I also need people to talk to that are not biased so I can see the whole picture.<p>Thank you for listening,
Kathy

Hi, thought I would respond regarding the MLC or ML depression. There is a lot of literature "out there" that supports such a thing. I believe that that is what is currently going on with my H as well. <p>Many times there are lots of unresolved issues from their past. That is most likely true of all of us, but for the person that goes through the crisis it is pretty much similar to depression. Searching for the meaning in life. Life is too short... very self-absorbed... devoid of feelings...etc. In my H's case he is 46. His is all wrapped up with work...trying to achieve the "pinnicle" I suppose. He became a workaholic and his office staff became his family. Sure needs were most likely NOT being met. But many times they don't even seem to know what thier needs are....they change to the situation.<p>Another person is almost always involved or they go in search of their "soul mate".... a "dreamed about perfection". Trying to fill the hole that is inside of them. For my H it is his assistant. <p>My H also walked out on three kids. Didn't want anything to do with them for the first year. It has improved greatly in that area, but not without its toll on them. He is not very emotionally connected to them. He is still very much into his "work persona". <p>What I've discovered is that there is NOT much you can do about it. Especially if they have another "friend" that they count on for their support. My H is seeing a counselor, but I've not seen much introspection. He still blames, is still the victim. At some point you just have to let them go. It is not really about you, though I know it feels that way.<p>A good site for support is Michele Weiner-Davis's divorcebusting site. There is a Midlife Crisis forum and you find that you are experiencing EXACTLY what many other people are experiencing. It is a good support group. There are also many great books to read. But mostly, you have to take care of you and the kids. We feel emotionally beaten in this, but the kids truly take the fallout. I'm sorry you are going through this. I have been at it for 2 years and we are getting a D. It is now for me.....

Abandoned Mom:<p>I'm sorry to hear that your H walked out on you. But read the Plan A and Plan B sections of these Boards. Really digest them, and then make your own Plan A if you want to save your marriage.<p>Just because he's moved out, just because he's sure he wants a D, doesn't mean it's over.<p>There are people posting here who have brought their marriages back from the brink.<p>It doesn't work for everyone, as tootrusting can attest. We can't control the outcome, you can only, as she did, work on your Plan A like a demon and pray. <p>My H went into MLC around the time he met a BestFriend at work. We still live under the same roof, but the marriage is over. <p>If you'd like to email me write to bellevuebelle@aol.com. It helps to talk to someone else in the same boat. (Sort of. My boat sank long ago and I'm hanging onto some flotsam from the wreck.)

Hi...<p>I'm not sure if its a MLC .... but go to divorcebusting.com They have a whole forum on MLC.<p>Hope this helps you... I know this is a very difficult time for you.<p>s

Hello, Abandoned Mom. I think many of us here, including myself, can identify with what you're going through. My H walked out on me and our three kids (11, 8 and 6 at the time) three years ago. I am still not quite over it, the shock of him turning from a devoted, loving father into a sort of occasional visitor. <p>I can also empathize with your feelings about yourself through all of this: the feelings of guilt over your part in what made the marriage go sour, your attempts (in vain) to rectify your mistakes in the marriage, and your H. placing the blame on you. <p>My H (a doctor who is so full of himself he is ready to implode!!) is still, three years later, placing all of the blame on me. He still criticizes my housekeeping, for goodness sakes, and he hasn't lived here since January of '99.<p>I think that after two years (I know it seems like a long time to wait...) you will start to feel better and start to accept the that maybe he isn't coming back. It took me two full years to accept it and even now I still can't believe it's really over and that he's embraced the OW and her daughter instead of me and the three children he once adored.<p>As for your husband being in the throes of a MIDLIFE CRISIS, it is, of course, very possible, even probable that this is the case. I found a better website than Michele Weiner-Davis', or at least I enjoyed it more. It is called Bestyears.com You'll read many stories there that help you to see that you are certainly not alone. Also, there are many practical suggestions there for you even if you're not really in mid-life yourself yet. <p>Please know, Abandoned Mom, that it really does get better. Also, realize that maybe your H will wake up from this fog he is now entrenched in. He may want to come back -- this is certainly not an improbability, you know; however, in the meantime you do need to keep on going and try to improve yourself so that you will appear even more attractive to him -- let him eat his self-centered heart out. <p>I know that some of my advice to you is impractical since your children are still very young and most of your time is centered on them. Just realize that you will come out of this better than you were before, only much wiser, much less trusting and more compassionate to others who are going through the same thing. Your H, on the other hand, will definitely wake up one day from his fog with deep, dark regrets. I hope he realizes his mistake before it's too late.

Your story is almost word for word like mine! I have a 4 yr old boy and a 6 yr old girl and my H left us for a OW. He says he cares about me but that it will never be the way it "used to be". Sound familiar? He even claims to have left because it would be best for me. How would he know what is best for anyone and treat his family like that. If you ever need to vent, feel free to email me anytime.<p>Chaos (Jodie)

I think alot of mental illness is the cause for divorce. I have always felt that my husband was manic depressive. He just was never happy about anything so he figured it was all because of me. Whenhe met another woman, he was in heaven, she was his "soul mate" . I wish that i had let him alone with her, instead I won him back to the home. t he never got to see that no one person can make you happy. I wish i could concentrate on that now. YOu give someone your life and when they arent happy with it , you tend to think that you arent good enough. Deep inside , I know that i chose the wrong person to give myself to , for he was never going to be happy no matter how i was. YOu have to think that. No one is perfect. It all come down to the effort you put in. You made an effort to improve your marriage , he wasnt a willing participant. YOu can only do what YOU can do.

Rosita - you are so right. My H was bipolar, too, though true to style he claimed that I was the bipolar one, not he! He even had to project his own mental illness onto me.<p>I agree with you that some form of mental illness, whether it is depression or something more serious, is sometimes, if not oftentimes, at the root of marital problems.

My husband always encouraged me to seek psychological help. I always resisted , then i went for help for myself. When i wasnt feeling so depressed and anxious I was able to see things more clearly. It wasnt until I became healthier that I was able to recognize his depression and manic episodes.<p>[ January 04, 2002: Message edited by: rosita ]</p>

When my H first left in Aug., I thought this was a MLC. Everyone that found out about us asked how old he was and when I said 42....they would say "Yeah, that's it". He now has a beard, is with an OW and has no doubts about leaving me and our 2 boys. He is making life changing plans with this woman. His wedding band was off the day after he left. He said that he didn't love me anymore and the OW had nothing to do with it. He was a great Dad. He is doing a terrible job now. He hardly ever sees the boys (17,14) and he just doesn't see the big picture. I still want him to come home, although I don't know why. 22 yrs is a long time to be with someone. There seems to be a lot of us in the same boat. Good luck to all----I'd love any suggestions!
Thanks

This sounds like my story. My 33 year old cop husband meets a "trouble kid" at work and becomes her friend, which I knew nothing about. Then one day, her roomie get arrested and she supposedly gets beaten up and raped. Her story but couldn't be proven. She failed lie detector miserably but her attackers both passed so his boss dropped the case but my husband still believes her. He convinces me that we can help her so we open our home to her. She is here for a month and he brings home hair dye, starts helping with housework, writes me love notes everyday. We got her off of meth and dts were hell. We got her back in school. Then she drops a hint about him. I found a note from him to her and from her to him. I confronted him and he left with her.
He can't give her up. His boss has stripped him of his rank, told him that he is ruining his life, told him to go home, took his patrol car away, made him partners with a guy he hates, told me that he would support me in court, testify about all of this 17 year old problems and that he will not tolerate this relationship. But H still can't give her up.
H told me that he never meant for it to go this far. That he will never marry again when I ask him if he wants to marry her. That I "should know better than anyone that his forevers never last" when I ask if she is his forever love. I asked if she was just a fling "that was the plan" but he "can't go back to the way things were" I asked if that meant that he couldn't give up the single life and go back to being faithful to me he says that is not what he meant. WH and the OT are living together but I won't let him take the girls over there, ages 7 and 5. They hate the OT because she took their daddy away. H keeps telling the girls that "you will understand when you are older" he doesnt' call unless we call him. He doesn't come see them unless I call and invite him over.
He has a son from another relationhip and has told him that I will always be his mom and OT will just be a friend. Son's biologial mom will not allow him to stay with H and 'his sleazy girlfriend" so he spend the nights of visitation with me. We married when the son was a baby so I am the mom he has always known.
Everytime I ask him about a divorce, he answers with a question like "isn't that where you think we are headed?" or similiar.
We were discussing finances and he will be broke with two child supports and another house with her and I asked if this is what he had wanted? "no, this is not what I wanted"
He was complaining about problems in the marriage. I told him that he had been so unhappy why didn't he say something to me and if you wanted out so bad, why didn't you go? He screams into the phone, "I didn't want out."
His cop friends are calling him, captain saveawhore. That is really bad.
But he still won't come home. Any ideas, suggestions

http://www.midlife.com/sotd.cgi<p>Read this link, all of you whose husbands are going through MLC, and from the reading, it looks like the majority of you are. There are many articles that will help inform you on MLC.<p>It is one of the many resources I found on the web, while my husband was going through it.<p>This is not easy. The spouse that is going through it will hurt you badly, not meaning to, but you will be hurt. They will say and do things they never would have done before this sets in. You won't be able to reason with them, for they are right and you are wrong.
Understand, though, this IS temporary-how temporary varies from person to person.<p>It is a hard trial to endure-it will test your faith, love and loyalty to the limits.<p>I have been there. Mine never left, but threatened to three times. Times got so hard, I wanted to give up, but knew I couldn't.
I learned to detach with love and stay with it, being there for him IF he needed me. I learned to control myself in such a way, that I was able to stop arguing with him, and keep plan A'ing him.<p>The two key things to MLC are: Time and Patience.<p>Time, because it takes them just that to come to terms with their inner demons and unresolved issues. Some issues can go back as far as their childhood, not just problems during the marriage.<p>Patience, because you will go through a great deal waiting for them to come out of the tunnel they have found themselves in. <p>This is about THEM not YOU. This is NOT your fault, although they will blame you for what they are going through. The answers do not come from you, they come from them.<p>In the meantime, take care of yourselves, and work on YOU.<p>The fog will lift slightly from time to time, and you will see them peek through, but if they are not ready to come out, they'll go back in.<p>My husband is now out of the tunnel and in the open. We still need to talk more, but I don't push him. He will talk when he is ready, and not before.<p>I hope this helps all of you. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ January 11, 2002: Message edited by: Hurting_Badly ]</p>

Hi Abandoned Mom-<p>Reading your story is like hearing pieces of mine. My WH left last January. I was three months pregnant with our fourth child. Our relationship had been rocky for years, he is an adult survivor of severe childhood abuse and has never dealt with his issues so they have manifested themselves in alcohol and gambling problems. He of course is like your husband in denial. Although we were fighting a lot and I was at my wits end, I always felt secure in our marriage. Then in August of 2000 after a nasty fight over his drinking he announced he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore and moved out for four days. He came back because he said he missed the kids and felt we owed it to them to work things out. I totally agreed and suggested counseling the whole nine yards, all of which he refused. We lived from August to January in total hell. We were strangers under one roof.<p>A month after he moved out I got wind of a rumor that he was having an affair with a college student who was 11 years younger than him and had been home during the summer and worked with him. I immediately confronted him and he denied that they were anything but friends. At the time I was desperate to believe him, but as I look back the signs were all there. She is in school 3 hours away so the affair was very easy to hide. He had moved out to make it easier to get away with. <p>For the next four months he continued to deny any contact with her and spent every other weekend and various nights of the week at our house. I totally believed him and felt that we were both trying to save our marriage. <p>In June I found evidence that they were really involved and confronted them both. Her on the phone because of the distance. They then lied and said the relationship was over and he continued to spend time with me at the house. I was so happy. Having read the Harleys' stuff I knew that the end of the affair and total separation were necessary for us to have any chance.<p>At the end of July I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl - our third and six days later he told me he was filing as soon as he could afford it and pursuing his new life with his "soul mate." I was devestated. <p>Because of his drinking and gambling problems and debts I learned he was racking up I filed for divorce to protect myself financially. I will admit that at that time I was still hoping to snap him back into reality as well. It was at that time that I changed from lurking here and simply reading, to posting and it was the first step in changing my life. I have also read a ton of Al-Anon stuff.<p>I must admit, my WH is still with the OW. She is 21 now and a junior in college three and a half hours away from our house. Our divorce will be final in a month. I know my husband has regrets but he is too caught up in his addictions to get help. It is hard to watch, but I have learned to detatch. I have also come to realize that he does not have the emotional attachment of unconditional love with anyone including his children that I find essential. I of course realize that this comes from intense self loathing. My husband is not a bad man, he is a sick man who does bad things. His affair is just another in a string of quick fixes used to fill the void that only he can fill. He has not discovered this yet though and I can't make him. <p>I still love him, but what's better is that I have learned to love myself again and although I hate what he has done, it has also been a life saver. Our house is much more peaceful now and although my children want their daddy back, they also admit that we are doing okay.<p>I agree with everyone here who says to read as much as you can and be patient. Even divorce doesn't have to mean the end. A lot of what you are going through is out of your control, but you aren't. Take this time and better yourself. It is worth it.<p>I would be happy to e-mail you, but because my e-mail is at work I don't like to post it here. If you want to post yours I will definately keep in touch.<p>Good luck!<p>K

Wow, I am glad to see other people here with Bi_polar mates. My wife is a diagnosed BP1 (there are 2 types....1's are the worst). She has had 3 affairs on me over the last 6 years of marraige. She is now in the beginnings of another one and at first I did the "poor poor me, I must not have been the best I could have been". I did every single LB there was. Then she went away for the holidays (left me to buy presents for our 3 kids (10,9,6). While she was gone, I did lots of self reflection and she called me at least 20 times and I did not return her calls. It drove her crazy. <p>What I have done is do a 180. She doesn't like that. In the past, I would wail on the ground, tears in my eyes, begging, pleading.....now, I watch cartoons with the kids, get pizza, watch DVD's, play games. I let her do "her" thing. Now she is accusing me of "gloating" and being smug about this. I have told her thatif she wants I can throw a phone through the wall or kick in the TV, if that is what is going to make her happy. Of course I wouldn't, but it drives her crazy because I am not upset and being my old self. <p>What is the old saying "You can't teach a pig to fly, it doesn't work and the pig gets annoyed anyways". I can't chaged her mind about this guy, I have been through it 3 times before....."He is my soulmate, we where meant to be together, I never loved you, we connect like no other one has, he is pursuing me for a change, he treats me like a queen, he listens to me and I listen to him, we are first best freinds"......if any of that sounds familar, all I can say is....been there, done that....and after everytime she has said that about these guys, within 3 to 6 months, she is back asking for forgiveness. This time it is going to be different, I am starting to get used to the idea of freedom. <p>In our 10 year of marraige, I mainly did the laundry, cooking, bathes, cleaning, yardwork, etc. plus I worked 40+ hour weeks and at one time, 2 jobs. I may not be prince charming, but I make a mean tri-tip steak!<p>So, my advice is.........do things for yourself, and your kids. That is the most important. Distract yourself with what makes you happy if the situation gets tense. I know for me it is "making my kids laugh". <p>I have found out through my wife's EA. that what takes the shine off the apple so to speak is how I react. If I am a jerk yelling and screaming, then of course the OM looks appealing, but if I don't react like she is expecting (crying, depression etc), then she wonders why I am not taking it hard. She actually told me the other night<p>"I don't want you to be gloating (aka "happy") about this". <p>Ok, I will be mad and hang my head!....NOT!<p>Maybe I am in a better place than you because I have been through this a few times. It is hurtful and painful no matter how many times you go through it, but for the first time I realize that "my kids need me more than my wife......I will live for them and not her". <p>The best thing you can do is do things to make yourself happy and def. put into action PLAN A!<p>
Take care and God bless<p>Keith!