My husband and I just separated on Saturday (1-29-00) He had been having an affair since the end of October. I found out December 3rd. We worked at saving the marriage but he is suffering from depression and alcohol and a sexual addiction. That is my belief and his brother backs me up on that. <P>Last week was pretty awful, he said he wanted a divorce and so I was going to give him one. Not because I wanted to but because that is what he led me to believe he wanted. Well, he left the house for three days and then he came back home. I made everything seem pretty final as I thought that was how he wanted it. Well, in the end he told me he still loves me and wanted to know what it would take for us to stay together. Well, I told him that he had to quit his job as he works with the ow. I said we had to move away and he needed to get counseling and on anti-depressants.<P>Ok, so he actually agreed to it. He has moved out of state to live with his brother and his wife and kids. It is only 3 hours away. The boys and I are staying in our home until the end of the school year. I am going to try and get the house ready to sell as best I can on my own. <P>He was prescribed Prozac on Monday. He is starting a new job today. We have been keeping in touch through Pow Wow (chat program) and e-mail and a few phone calls here and there. I know that we will need marriage counseling also. <P>My question is this... I want to rebuild our relationship. I love him very much in spite of what has happened in our relationship. We have been married over 11 years and had a very good marriage as far as I was concerned. I guess I am looking for advice on ways to make him fall in love with me again. I have read a book called "Light His Fire". We are going to try and visit each other on the weekends. Just looking for any advice anyone may have!<P>I do love him and he says he still loves me. We decided the time apart would be good for us but I want to make our time together really good!!!<P>~Woozy

Woozy,<P>I have been reading your story on the other forums, but I will respond here. First, your H obviously loves you very much or he would not be doing what he is doing. How to kindle romance? Well first you cannot do what SIL wants and that was no sex for 3 months. The purpose of the separation is not punishment, but recovery. If you want to have sex do it. Make it romantic. Second, show him that you are confident that he is doing the right thing and that you love him for it. <P>Woman, there is nothing like enthusiasm to get a man going.<P>I know you have many fears, but he has made a hugh step for you. He has stepped right off of the edge for you. Please realize this. Most men would not go in and quit their job the very next day, if they weren't serious. He is going to have live away from you and children for 3 months, this will be rough for both of you. <P>So recognize that it is for him as well as you. I know there are books about putting romance back into marriages, perhaps get one and see if some of the ideas appeal to you. You must enjoy this as much as he or you will not be enthusiastic about it. <P>But most importantly, Woozy, treat him like a friend. You have an H struggling to do the correct thing and overcome his failures, but you also have a friend who needs help. Become friends with him again, no LB's. If you become friends then the romance will return.<P>Finally, have faith that your H is doing his best. If you do your best, you two have a very good chance. Remember best is not a balance sheet and equality is a mathematical concept, not found in nature. You may be able give more now, and he may be able to give more later. The idea is to do the best you can. <P>God Bless You and Your Family,<P>JL

Wow! Thanks Just Learning! Yes, I have been doing absolutely no love busting at all! I have decided that I am not going to bring up the ow at all while we are in this separation. I am just trying to be his friend and be positive with him. I figure the ow deal can be saved for when we have marriage counseling. I think that will be the best place to deal with it. I am also going to start reading the "Surviving the Affair" book again. I need to refresh my memory. I have a couple other books that I need to read also.<P>Mainly what I am doing right now when I talk to him is to build up his confidence. He started his job today at the car dealership. I have been thinking about him all day!<P>I talked quite a bit to his mom and brother last night on the phone. I felt a lot better after having done that. Of course I am still scared that he will try and have some contact with the ow. I can't help but be afraid of getting hurt again! I do want my marriage to work. I just want my husband to want it as bad as I do. He did take a huge step for me by doing what he did! That means the world to me!<P>He is even taking Prozac now for his depression and his first counseling session will be on February 16. He had lunch with his best friend from high school yesterday and found out that he has been on Prozac for a month! I hope that will be comforting to him. <P>So, I will be his friend and do no love busting! I know he wants to have sex with me when we see each other this weekend. I want it too. I am just a little nervous about it. I can't help that I guess!<P>Well, thanks for the advice and for being here for me! I appreciate it very much!!!<P>~Woozy

Thought this topic might be worth moving up in honor of Valentine's Day; how DO you rekindle that spark?