As I have posted previously, I am dealing with the "porn" issue with my H, and the dishonesty about it. Jamie2, you said porn is part of your resentments toward your husband--I totally understand. After years of thinking about it, I have this to say to the world about porn. Pornography is destructive to marriages/relationships for many reasons. One of those reasons is the novelty of porn. Every day, h***, every minute, can be a new "encounter" with a new "sexual partner" (person in picture.) Bored with what you've got? Click. New picture comes up. What you've got is too old, too wrinkly, looks too tired from a long day's work, put on a few pounds, etc? Click. Old picture goes away--new picture is there. You can change the race, age, sex, position, etc. of your "partner" instantly. No longer must one traipse down to the adult video store or the adult magazine store--just turn your computer and voila! It's all there. NO WONDER my H, others in porn, don't want real sex very often! You can't "click" in bed, and presto-chango, there is someone new. It just doesn't work that way in real life. THAT is the reality porn users are escaping from. I used to be the "porn czar" in my house--constantly trying to figure out "what he has looked at lately." Nevermore. (Quoth the Raven.) BUUUUTTTTTT.........giving up my porn czar position means I have just plain given up.... and it will affect the way I feel in bed (if H and I ever get there together again.) Hubby Pete, this is an open letter to you, as well as to the world. (If you're as OCD as I am about checking the internet history.)

jmv - it's nice to know that at least I'm not alone in my feelings about this issue. Most of the time I find it hard to admit that it bothers me this much. And of course there's shame involved for me, too, because I feel I've been betrayed in a way and don't want other people to know. Mostly, I just have a strong feeling that he still does it despite promising he wouldn't. But, if he is keeping his promise, I don't want to hurt the relationship further by continuing to question him. And then I ask myself, almost daily, how can I see myself growing old with someone I don't trust?

I saw this post and just had to reply. I have been dealing with this porn issue for a very long time with my H. In the past I tried everything I knew at the time to try and understand WHY he was doing this with so much frequency. <P>He would avoid the subject at all costs, even at the cost of my hurting so much. He never seemed interested in sex at all. I thought he was just possibly not that sexual, but as it turns out after so many discoveries he appears extremely sexual in regards to the porn. Internet stuff, videos, magazines.<P>I never knew this could be an addiction but have come to realize that H is addicted and in denial. He promised many, many times to stop but did not. I would find evidence all the time not to mention his sexual desires never seem to increase any. No wonder, he was getting his desires satisfied with the porn.<BR>And I have to say I felt and feel the exact same way you do. Betrayed, hurt, unatractive as a woman and all. And since h did have a one night stand back in October this didn't help me any. And he continued the porn even more. This, after he confessed to his infidelity and swore he would give up the porn for good. He didn't give it up however, because he can't. <P>We are dealing with it and I am reading and learning a lot from web sites dedicated to sexual addiction. There are many out there.<BR>I personally feel porn is very distructive to a marriage and relationship. It takes away from the intimacy of each other and causes great distance. Not to mention the fears that they may want to have sex outside the marriage to satisfy curiousity(like my H did). <P>Like I said we are working this through and I don't know if we will have success but this addiction can be overcome if both are willing to work on it. But the key is getting the addicted person to admit the addiction and get to the point of being willing. My H says he is willing to work on this marriage but will not admit he is actually addicted. He says he MAY be addicted. He is still trying to deny it. <P>One of the things I learned is that this kind of addiction has nothing to do with the other spouse. I know my H has many issues in his life that he has ran from and never dealt with so he finds his escape in porn. My problem is getting him to realize that by not dealing with these issues and hiding from them the way he is will only destroy us. He is beginning to see this but is not completely convinced as yet. We have a long road ahead of us and I am praying that God will open his heart to see the right path in all this. <P>I didn't mean for this to be so long, but I just had to respond. There are many out there dealing with the same problem and it is unbelievable just how many. The internet doens't help this but then again I have found web sites as I said earlier that have educated me on this subject and how to begin the process of recovery. If you type in sexual addiction there will be many sites come up. One is COSA, and another is <A HREF="http://www.sexaddict.com" TARGET=_blank>www.sexaddict.com</A> and there is support on these sites for spouses of those who are addicted. If your like me, I didn't want to believe my H was addicted but, I have come to realize he is. <P><p>[This message has been edited by devastated2 (edited April 15, 2000).]