I am 31, husband is 43. We haven't had sex in about 7 months. He says he just has no desire, yet I found out he looks at pornography sites on the web. He never iniates sexs, it is always me. I used to try almost every day, then with rejection after rejection, and fight after fight, 6 years later, I only try about once every few months. I am lucky of he wants to make love about once every six months. Our relationship has pretty much always been like this, but for the first year we made love about every 2-3 weeks, or worst, at least once a month. Now, 4 - 6 months with no contact, easily fly by. I have tried everything under the sun. I have bought the whole "Victoria's Secret" thing. Did romantic stuff. Tried to get him to take baths with me, etc. I have nagged, threathened, kept silent, prayed, left it all to God. I begged him to go to marriage counseling with me and he down right refuses. I have asked him to get a medical check up because I said if it is medical it could be easily cured --- he refues! He will not go to church with me, or try to compromise in any way shape or form. I have asked him many times, in a non-threathening way what the problem is -- he either has no answer or just says that that is hte way he is, I need to accept it or leave. The sex is one thing, I told him I would do with out it, but I cannot do with out plain ol affection and attention. He never kisses me except a peck in the morning and a peck at night. He won't comfort me if I am hurt, sad or upset. I get panic attacks and he gets "annoyed" and is not sensitive about it at all, which just makes it worse. He never compliments me, holds my hand, or even sleeps next to me at night, you could fit 3 large adults between us in the bed! He falls asleep EVERY night on the couch and comes upstairs about 2 or 3am and crawls in bed. When I go up to him to try and get a kiss or some attention he is ALWAYS too busy. He has an excuse everytime. He has to mow the grass, has a headache, just wants to relax and be left alone. I asked him, will YOU TELL ME when you have time for me then? And he just gets mad and we get into a fight. On my knees, crying, more than once I have begged him, I said "I have tried everthing I know to make this work, You refuse to try anything that I have suggested. You tell me what YOU want to try and I will try anything...." and everytime he sits there in a cold silence and just says " I don't know." It is so frustrating! I have been asked if he is gay or having an affiar, because none of this makes sense. I don't believe he is either. But I am no fool and if somneone wants to cheat, they will. The thing is he doesnt NEED me. He was on his own, single for so long (now I know why) that he is self-suffient. He can clean, cook, and do all of that himself. Most men at least need sex, well, he doesnt...there is nothing he needs me for. He is a great father and an excellent provider. He is also a good friend to many, I dont undertsand where this "foolish pride " he has comes from and why. He may love me, but he is not in love with me. I dont know what to do. He says if I get a divorce no courts would let me have my children because of my panic attacks. Any suggesions would be appreciated, I am so confused, I live out of state from my family now and have no one to talk to. When should a person 'give up?' I pray continually, I am just waiting to hear and answer from him. I am sick of being alone evne when he is here. I have forgotten what it feels like to be kissed or held, and I am so lonely. Sad part is, he knows all of this, and he does or says nothing..... <p>[This message has been edited by ChildNGod (edited May 16, 2000).]

Hi, Welcome to this site. I have to type something for school but will try to get back later. First, this is a good place, how did you find it? <P>Have you been here long? Have you read the posts of other MB'ers? They are comforting and helpful and I'm learning about others with similar problems (you're not as alone as you think).<P>Go read the other posts, meanwhile. Don't feel hopeless (tsk, I should take my own advice.)<BR><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

ChildNGod,<P>I totally understand your pain. My husband is also a "withdrawer," often refusing to talk, make love or even express affection. However, you've been married longer than I have, so I can imagine your situation is just agonizing. Please remember that you are a beautiful, loving person regardless of the way he is acting. His issues are his issues, obviously a toxic pattern of withdrawal leftover from his childhood (and it sounds like a porn addiction). <P>This situation sounds so painful for you that you must go to either marriage counseling together, so he can recognize how he is hurting you by withdrawing through his addiction. If he refuses to go, counseling on your own will definitely help you with your self-esteem, as well as helping you decide whether to stay or go. You deserve to feel good about yourself...a little withdrawal is normal for both men, but it sounds like even your smallest needs are not being met, and you deserve love! If he is not willing to open up a little bit, you deserve better!!<P>Good luck, and let me know what happens! Lauralei, age 34, married one year.

Hi ChildNGod,<P> I understand how you feel. I've been married for almost 3 years now and My husband doesn't initiate sex any longer. We do have sex about once or twice a month. But, I can't understand why he doesn't like it. We did have sex before we married. I always felt somewhat guilty about it. I thought that once I married, I would feel free and we would really have more passion then we had before. I was wrong. My husband does hug me and talk to me. But, I will tell you that in the first year of our marriage, I had to fight and cry and let him know that I did NOT plan on living the way he was treating me. I honestly must say that sometimes I think about divorcing him. I feel like I'm the only one who gives. He's a great husband otherwise, just not sexually turned-on to me I guess. I'm still working on my husband. However, Your situation sounds worse. I don't think I could live through what you're living with. The post before mine is right. Don't get down on yourself. It's his problem. I don't think you should waste much more time on him. Try a few more times to get him to go to counselling, if that doesn't work. Get out. Life is short and you're too young. <P>Hang in there. (age 36 husband 46)<p>[This message has been edited by chrisy (edited May 23, 2000).]

Childngod and Crissy--it looks like you are both pretty new here. I guess I am too although i come to this board a lot and find it to be very helpful when I am hurting. <P>Make sure you read through the website--twice-and really try and understand what this site is about if you haven't already. There are some good strategies that might help you get your marriages where you both seem to want them. <P>Good luck to you both. these issues are so painful and difficult but at least this board is a good place to get some support and encouragement.<BR>

ChildNGod,<BR>Your H sounds a lot like mine. You'll find some great information in this site in previous Q&A columns written by Dr. Harley. The one that describes my marriage the closest is "Can one spouse save a marriage? part 1" at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5009_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5009_qa.html</A> I keep looking for part 2 and haven't found it yet, darn it all. <P>Chrisy,<BR>I too have read a lot of posts in these forums where I was tempted to say "dump him!" I think, how can people put up with all that??? I sat on my hands and kept reading and reading. I came here with a mindset of "I want out." You don't find too much of that here. I am amazed every day by what people describe and yet they still keep trying. You'd think this is some kind of Pit Bull Society Anonymous -- you'll find people sinking their teeth into their marriages and letting go isn't the option of choice. I guess that applies to me too since I'm still here and still married (such as it is). Do some reading at divorceinfo.com about the effects of divorce and it'll make mending your marriage look a lot more appealing!

Hi Lonesome Heart,<P> Thanks for the information. Yes I am new here. I'm glad I found this website, I'm hoping it will help not just my relationship, but me personally. Has it helped you mend your marriage? How long have you been married? I'd like to hear from you. <P>I will read some more and let you know if it helps. Thanks.<P>

ChildNGod, How was your weekend? Anything new? May weekend was pretty good but still no sex. I am fighting depression today. My husband has asked me why I'm so depressed. I have told him so many times in the past, that I didn't tell him this time. I feel very confused. I'm angry yet I'm not. Hope you're doing better.<P>

Hello ChildNGod,<BR>I am going through something very similar to you. I posted the board about husband, lying, and porn. I don't think that our h's not wanting to be with us is our fault. I find it very trying to make my marriage work and I have not been married that long. I have learned though that it is easier to look at the negative side of things then positive and I know how dificult it is when you love someone. I do think that you should take care of yourself and give the rest to God and let him handle the really hard stuff!!! I will pray for you. I know exactly how it feels to be lonely and depressed. Don't allow yourself to fall in the rut that any of it is your fault. So many women fall down that hole even I myself started to do that until I realized that it is not me. Men tend to look at things very differently and they don't like to take an emotional view of how it would effect their wives.I hope things work otu for you God Bless Forteore.....<BR>

ChildNGod and Chrisy,<BR>I know how both of you feel. I have been married for a little less than a year now, and I'm having similar problems with my husband. We also had sex before we were married, which I, too, felt guilty about, and I thought that after we were married it would be so wonderful! Which it was--for a month or so. My husband, too, is a wonderful friend to me and "almost" perfect in every other way--it's just the physical aspect of our relationship that's lacking! I've been seeing a therapist about this for the past couple of months, and it's helping tremendously. But I still find this issue creeping into our daily life quite frequently, and I'm sorry to admit that I don't deal with it as well as it seems that the two of you are. I would like to pose another question that maybe the two of you have conquered, or someone out there can give us all advice on. How do you deal with the feelings of resentment that you feel because every time that your husband is feeling so inclined, he gets the sex or affection that he needs; however, whenever you are feeling so, you must wait for him to be in the same mood? Best of luck--I hope that your situations are soon remedied!

There are many, many posts on the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Emotional+Needs&number=8" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs bulletin board</A> related to pornography, sex addiction, desire and sexual relations in all its forms. Look over the past 30 days posts there.

hey guys,<BR>i'm in the same boat as you. i'm 26, he is 27 <BR>yrs/.married 2.5 yrs. he is not interested in <BR>me physically no affection.before we had everything.i initate sex, we are together <BR>about twice a month. i would want it more often.<BR>but i have learned to accept this and moved on.i have been for couseeling it didnot help.<BR>anyway best of luck to you.

ChildNGod,<P>If your H is a pretty good guy except (and it's a big except) the sex part, maybe you should invest in purchasing a massage at a health club or spa once or twice a month depending on what you can afford.<P>Maybe if that sounds too terrible, you should consider a manicure or pedicure instead. Try anything that allows human contact until this thing with you H gets straightened out. Your human, you need to be touched. Get it out of something socially acceptable until you can get it from your H.

To guilty1,<BR>I'm sure that it's not the physical aspect of sex that is needed here as much as the emotional aspect. To some of us, sex with our spouses is much more than the exciting feeling of being touched. I'm of the impression that most women that feel that they're not getting enough sex are missing the emotional closeness that they feel from sex with their spouse, not the orgasmic feeling that they could have from physical contact with anyone.

Hi Deibo,<P> Wow, didn't know so many of us women have men that don't want much sex. Kind of the opposite of everything we've been taught as women. <P> I know how you feel when you say he's getting his sexual needs met when he's so inclined, but because you want it more often, and he rejects you, it hurts more than your libido. <BR> You're right, it's more than a physical release. It's a feeling of being accepted for who you are. It also makes me feel as if he thinks I'm beautiful and desirable. I remember in the very beginning how good that felt. <P>Since I first posted a note, we have talked a little more openly, however, he says it's not me, it's him. Still doesn't change the fact that somewhere, I feel like he's hiding something, even though I don't know why. I've never caught him or suspected him of anything. He's here at home when he's not at work, so it's not like there's much time for him to have an affair. I don't think that's it. <P>I'm feeling a bit better because at least we are able to talk more about it than we were. A few times he's "pleased" me without having intercourse because he didn't feel like it. He's mentioned to me that he has "burnout" with his job, but I don't buy it. This started about 8 months into our marriage and it's been one excuse after the other. <P>I would like to talk with you again if you want too. It's nice to have someone that is going through the same thing (even though I'm sorry that your having this problem). If you can keep the communication lines open, it will help. <P>We just celebrated our third anniversary. He bought me a beautiful card and european chocolates, but we have not made love.<P>Don't know what to think, so I just try to accept him for his good qualities at this point, and work on the problems. <P>Thanks for answering my note.<BR>