I have only been married 6mos and my husband and I (he's 32 I'm 41) now tells me that the reason why we have so little sex (once a month if I'm lucky) is because of my weight which is no different from when I married. This is my first marriage, his second and he brought 2 kids into the marriage (they live withus). He says he didn't think of this until he read Dr. Harley's book (at my suggestion) and realized that his emotional need was for physical attractiveness. I am absolutely devastated, I want to lose weight for health and other reasons and need to lose about 40 lbs, but now when I weigh myself and follow my diet, (which is everytime I eat) I think if I fail, I will lose my husband and then I am more stressed and then I get angry that out of all the things for him to have as a basis for sex, it would be my weakest link. I even asked him why did he marry me and he said it was because he felt I had potential. I am trying very hard not to withdraw, but this is tearing me down daily and its hard to get motivated to workout and diet behind this also. He says he wants to help, but he doesn't want to walk with me and we have not scheduled regular times to work out, so its all on me, then he complains about how busy I am, my primary form of exercise is walking and dance classes. I also perform in recitals about once amonth which I really enoy, but I wonder even after I lose the weight, will it then be something else?

Clothes can make up for your figure while you are loosing the weight. Choose colors wisely, maybe get a color anaylsis. Highlight your face, hands, and hair with tasteful make-up, polish, and accessories.<BR>Use girdles and other structured undergarments.<P>As for dance and walking, those are good starts but you will need to increase the intensity of your aerobic exercise as you get stronger. Running, tae bo, ballet, and tap work better than jazzercise or ballroom dancing.<P>You might also invest in ankle weights, and 5lb dumb bells to have around the house. Wear the weights at home (not when your H is home though) and do leg lifts watching tv or on the phone. Keep a dumbell in the kitchen and one in the bathroom. Do tricept extentions whenever you are there. 5 on each side. You should try to work up to 3 sets of 15 of 10lbs.<P>Join Weightwatchers or Jenny Craig or e-Diets.<P>Give your self flowers for each time you loose 5 pounds. <P>Plan on loosing 5 pounds per month.<P>Good luck.

Thanks, I study flamenco and bellydance which is actually pretty strenuous because of the control it requires. I joined ediets last week and am really trying to keep it together. I also walk about 10 miles on the weekend and plan to up that when summer comes.

newlywed2:<P>You've got a couple things going for you: your husband is being honest (you're just not enjoying the honesty), and he's at least reading the material you've recommended.<P>I'd suggest that you discuss counseling with him here at MarriageBuilders. The phone counseling is terrific, and even if he won't participate, I would suggest that you give it a try.<P>Another book that you should read from Harley is "Give and Take". In it is explained the "Policy of Joint Agreement". It seems to me that you could use the POJA to negotiate a weight loss plan that makes you feel good about what's going on in your marriage. For example, he could "help" you with weigh-in's a couple times a week; which could fill your need for sexual fulfillment.<P>I do worry somewhat about your husband's motivations for marriage: "potential" is not usually a good one. But the bottom line is that he probably didn't know how to answer your question adequately (or really thought about it), so I wouldn't put too much stock in it.<P>Do give the counseling a go, if you can't resolve this on your own.

Dear Newlywed2,<BR>It sounds to me that there is more to it than just your weight. I feel that your husband should be more concerned about you loosing weight for YOUR health more than HIS plessure. <P>I also would have to look at why he is not willng to go on walks with you. If he wants you to loose weight, he should be more than happy to help; besides you are doing it for him.<P>The second thing that struck me was his answer when you asked him 'Why did you marry me?" You said that his answer was 'You had potential.' That alone would set off alarms. You marry someone because you love and care for them, not because "they have potential". <P>I do hope things work out for the best. And I hope you loose the weight you desire, for YOUR health. <P>But it does sound like that your weight is not the real issue that your husband has with your marriage.<P>------------------<BR>PSALMS 133<BR>AMOS 7:7-8<BR>ECCLESIASTES 12:1-7

newlywed2, your husband's problem isn't about your weight, it's about control.<P>He married you because you had potential? It sounds to me like he married you so he'd have someone to kick around.<P>K and I disagree mightily on weight issues, and I'm not going to engage him in any further dialogue on this. But I don't blame you for feeling angry and resentful about your H's demands, and these feelings are likely to sabotage your attempts to lose weight.<P>Many years ago I dated a guy who was very fond of me. He had money, nice car, even his own jewelry store. Once he told me, "If you could lose enough weight so you look good in tight jeans, I'd marry you in a minute."<P>That's when I knew he was NOT the guy for me.<P>I think your hunch is correct, that even if you lose weight, there'd be something else. It's not fun living with a sword of Damocles over your head. Your H is punishing you for what are probably his own feelings of inadequacy. Only instead of improving himself, he beats on you emotionally. And he sabotages your attempts to lose weight by not wanting to exercise with you, then getting upset when you go without him.<P>I'll bet he keeps trying to feed you ice cream too.<P>If you want to lose weight for yourself, that's fine. But if you do so, do it with an idea that your H is a chronic malcontent who will always find fault with SOMETHING about you until the root problem HE has is resolved.<P>As for my friend K, well, Mr. K, you have to admit that this is not your garden-variety "She was thin when we married and now she's fat" situation.

D&C<P>I absolutely agree that there's more to this situation than a sudden realization that this guy married someone who is overweight.<P>But...<P>I think the main issue is that newlywed2 needs to learn the MB skill set, and work on the marriage. It's pretty clear that her husband is acting like an immature, self-centered quivering mass of contradictions---but that doesn't let her off the hook. Doing the counseling, trying to POJA this (and other potential situations), and dealing with her self-esteem are the way to go. If newlywed2 does this, she'll end up successful, regardless of what happens with her marriage.

I really appreciate all of the feedback, sometimes I get kinda depressed, but he is listening to Dr. Harley's books on tape and we are in christian counseling, and he has said he is willing to do the exercises in the workbook, so we'll see. He is very controlling and I think that was an issue in his previous marriage. I am an only child and a first time bride at 40, so I am somewhat used to having my way as well. What has evolved at this stage is my joining ediets, getting a diet coach and beginning to go to the gym 3x wk for weight training in addition to my dance classes and my walking. I am also eating better. we have come to the point in our discussions when I explain that I wonder if after the weight is lost then what? He has said that although he doesn't really know what I will look like at goal weight which he has set higher for me than I have for myself, that he had determined that he will be satisfied with that. That sounds actually really vague to me, but it is an honest answer and the end result will certainly be in my best interest healthwise as diabetes runs in my family, usually in later years. But if he is willing in the meantime to work on all of our issues, then I am willing to work on mine. So I will continue with prayer and praise and when I get in a mood, go for a walk and appreciate God's beauty in creation. Thank you all so much for your feedback. Please keep it coming.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by newlywed2:<BR><B>. . . He is very controlling and I think that was an issue in his previous marriage. I am an only child and a first time bride at 40.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I do have a few questions.<P>How long did you live with your parents before going out on your own?<P>What was your average weight through your adult life?<P>Was your mother very heavy?<P>Usually, eating habits and "fat cell" formation is started at a very young age. Were you very heavy as a small child?<P>If you were a heavy child, do you have issues stemming from others making fun of you as a child because of your over-weight?<P>While you were dating, did you ever make affirmations to your husband that you would lose weight but never did?<P>Did your H see your body outside of clothes before you were married?<P>Dancing is wonderful for exercise. But after dance class, make a list of everything you eat, even if it's just a chip or a drink. I think you'll be surprised about what you're eating and the quantity you're eating. It's a shocker, believe me!<P>Also, try eating smaller but more frequent "meals" but not meat and potato meals. For breakfast try eating fruit, no-fat cereal, skim milk. NO BUTTER, NO SYRUP, NO PANCAKES, NO TOAST. Keep celery, cawwots (carrots for non-wabbits)etc., around for munching. Then have some soup or a salad or half a sandwich for lunch NO CHIPS!!! Then just be sensible for dinner, balancing the carbs, fats, starches, proteins, etc. And DO NOT HAVE SECONDS! Remember that we never see ourselves as others see us, and all mirrors, when we're 40 pounds over weight, are enemies. Don't weigh every day!!!! Weigh once a week.<P>I bet you'll find if you get rid of the junk food, cut down on the quantities you eat at dinner time (and the lateness of the hour you eat), and keep away from cokes, pepsi, etc., while continuing to do your dancing, walking, crunches on the floor during Jerry Springer --- hehehehehehe---- you'll see a noticeable difference in your weight, in your energy level, and in your confidence!<P>HANG IN THERE!

I lived at home until 17-18 and went away to college. I danced in a company all through high school, I have not always been heavy, but put on weight when depressed in college. I am very top heavy and have always been, so even when I was at my thinnest I have never worn clothes in my adult life below a 16, although my waist and hips are one size smaller. I was not heavy as a child, my mother was not heavy and gained weight in later years 55+, My avg adult weight has fluxuated between 165-185 and I have hit an all time high of 210. I am 5'7" with a 34" inseam so I carry it somewhat deceptively, but nontheless I am not pleased. No I made no promises about my weight and he didn't bring it up prior to marriage, yes he has seen me prior, I bellydance, your belly and most of your body is revealed (tastefully). Thank you for your suggestions, I have been on so many diets that I know all the tricks of the trade, its a matter of implementation and much exercise to increase my metabolism which is really low. I have destroyed it from 500 calorie diets at age 22 (I lost 10 lbs) to fasting diets like Oprah did, to basic inactivity. I realize that I love to dance and perform and that motivates more than anything else to workout hard. Even my weight training is to increase my dancing technique. yes I am drinking the water and eating more veggies than ever before! Thanks

I hear you about crash diets ruining you for life.<P>When I met my H, I was in a state of "diet-induced anorexia." I was on a 600-calorie a day diet, I took a one-hour aerobics class five nights a week, and had lost just 13 pounds in 16 weeks -- even with the exercise. <P>Before I had started, I weighed 118 (I am under 5 feet tall). <P>I would KILL to weigh 118 again. I didn't know how good I had it.<P>After a year of starving myself to try to reach my "weight chart" desirable weight of 89-92, I met my H and started eating like a normal human being...and the weight started piling on.<P>Yes, K, too much dieting can ruin your metabolism. <P>

my god! are you talking about my husband ???<BR>I have the exact same situation.<BR>I was about to type problem, but I think situation explains it better.<BR>We do not have sex...haven't in 11 months<BR>because of my weight.<BR>And yes, I was so insulted by him saying this. But when I sat back and thought about it...I realized, he is being honest, but I still somehow see it as being shallow.<BR>I know he likes the person I am, my sense of humour, my good naturedness...and I'm certainly good enough to cook and clean and do all the running around. But NOT good enough to satisfy sexually...it's like I don't deserve it<BR>and we all do <BR>I too am dieting and exercising and sometimes it just demotivates me...it's kind of like reverse psychology. I HAVE to lose weight if I want him to want me. And I stuff something in my mouth almost as rebellion.<BR>Doesn't make sense.<BR>Haven't made love in 11 months...the day after our wedding day was the last time.<BR>How sad is that!

Lonely, I totally understand how you feel, he even offered it to me as incentive, I get sex for every pound I lose a week and I told him that I though making love was supposed to be an expression of his love for me, not a carrot on a stick. What was I supposed to think, I say to him, "OK, I lost a pound, gimme some" how romantic is that? How loving is that? When he suggested that, the same day he made his statement, I just broke down in tears and he still didn't get it! So now I'm not sure if when we do it, if its because he is feeling romantic or if its my reward for losing. I guess I could ask him, but I think that would just spark an argument. But there are times when I just want to rebel also, I mean, its almost like punishment. You hang in there.