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Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 237
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rrunrr Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2000
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I have a VERY hot button issue, or it just may be ignored. No matter, I can predict most of the responses. It really is two issues but I dropped by work for a different reason and am now in a hurry. <P>First an update on the MIL. The state says she has to leave the care center, so today was her last day. I meant to visit her the last couple of days so I had to go today. Somewhat anxious to get home, but she has to stay with a son since there was no time to arrange for help at home. (I will miss visiting her, her roomate was a pleasant woman and I am told was mayor here at one time.) <P>My wife also was surprised by the suddenness of the events. She may not come up this weekend as the son's wife is having a big Father's Day party and alot of my W's family will be there. She does not seem to be able to face them. (She did not tell me she was coming to town, BIL's girlfriend did. ) <P>I noticed something lately about the phone conversations between my wife and myself. I often close with "I love you" along with a comment like..."you are awesome", " you are terrific", or "you are special". She went through times when she responded with "okay". Or even a sound as though in disgust. Lately, I have caught her "coming back to", so to speak, by responding with "thank you". Something she has not said for a while. (After she left, I heard her say "I love you, too" just once.) <P>With all that update, here is the big one. Knowing ALL about the threat of how EA's happen, and the "why" we all should be careful about friendships with the OS (opposite sex, like you could not figure that out), how do you NOT shun friendships and risk losing them all together?<P>I have known a guy, socially, at a hangout for years. Apparently not well enough because the woman who often comes with was not his wife (they never showed affection) but is in fact his twin sister. She is aware of my situation, knows I am holding out as long as I can for reconciliation, and knows I am NOT looking for a girlfriend. She has not flirted with anyone that I have observed. Nor does anyone flirt with her. She does seem uncomfortable with some "bar talk". Who isn't? <P>I got tired of hiking, day trips to the beach, or movies by myself. She will pal around with me to wineries for a picnic, and maybe a short day hike in the area. If the ground rules have already been set on my side, and I know she is aware of "where I am at" right now, can the friendship stay platonic? She is not a designing woman. I trust that she has respect for my situation, which may be enough. What I DID notice when I decided I was not going to sit around and NOT do the things I was used to, I could step back and really, really feel like I can cope with all this much better. I just took a deep breath. I felt a wave of calm.<P>Please, keep the FLAMES low. The most intimate I expect that I will have to get is to open the door for her, if I feel like it. I am really NOT a bad guy.<P>RRunRR<P> <BR>

Joined: Jan 2000
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I will not flame you. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I do think only under certain curcumstances can you have a friend of the opposite sex.<P>I know that you are able to relax more,feel at ease,and are able to some fun.(you do deserve,everyone does.) [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>The only thing that I would say.............<P>What about your W?????????<P>1.)She will never understand<BR>2.)She will take this personaly<BR>3.)Bc of the situation that you are in,she will not be able to trust you.(she will have in her mind that you are w/another women.)<P>If you are hoping for your marriage to get back on track and the 2 of you working together to make your marriage better.<P>You need to not go out w/this OW.<P>Think about it........shouldn't you be doing this w/your W??????<P>Or at least try to do some of these things???<P>Like I said before,you know that your "just friends",and the OW knows that your just friends.<P><B>But your W doesn't.</B><P>You could be doing all of these things w/your W......or if not than you really do need to find a male friend to do some of these things.<P>Think of your W........<P>Think about it.<P>Good Luck! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Gina [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P><P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----

Joined: May 2000
Posts: 377
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MF Offline
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Joined: May 2000
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Hi, I totally agree with w.g.up.h.<BR>I don't know, but I think that's how EA starts... so it's better to hang out with guy friends [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>Here's my 2 cents(well, I'm in Canada so 1.3 US cents!).<BR>MF

Joined: Jun 2000
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Joined: Jun 2000
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I won't flame you either. . .<BR>And I won't flame either of the other posters/replies, either.<BR>But. . .<BR>You should be very cautious about having women for friends at all, moreover if your wife doesn't want to spend time with you as a friend going places or doing things, then you should especially avoid having friends that are women.<BR>I find that there is a VERY prominent misconception that if you want to be friends, have a fun/exciting/relaxing relationship with your mate then all you have to do is be kind, and ask. Offering to do "whatever she would like" may not work, either.<BR>In my own case, I married my High School sweet-heart, and the only girlfriend I have ever had. We have three very wonderful children and they are dear treasures to me! My wife and I just had our 17th anniversary this month - we married purely and have known no other in our lives. One would think that would be a perfect foundation for a relationship full of trust and confidence.<BR>However, that is far-far from the way it works. . .instead, I think that by my constant simpering for her to "go ride bikes" or "come take a walk" or this or that I have pestered her to death.<BR>You sound a lot like "me" in a lot of ways.<BR>My wife isn't inclined to say "thank you", and if I talk to her on the phone she won't say "I love you" if anyone will over-hear her. . . and she's not interested in my silly notions of "fun-stuff".<BR>My wife KNOWS, I'd like that stuff.<BR>YOUR wife probably KNOWS that about you, too.<BR>Even though neither of us has ever been unfaithful, my wife SUSPECTS any conversation I have with a lady, and so on.<BR>If you dabble with anything that even LOOKS like an EA then you are in for a lot more agony than just feeling a touch lonely.<BR>You've made a commitment to your wife. That your female companionship will be with her, if she withdraws that companionship, then you have to do without. Sometimes we don't get what we want.<BR>If your wife is cold to you, she knows it. . . and if you have lady friends, you're in for trouble whether you behave properly or not. Be prayerful, careful, and enjoy the good things God has given you.

Joined: May 2000
Posts: 113
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So you really were looking for a girlfriend all this time!<BR>Scumbag.

Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 237
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rrunrr Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 237
Just as I thought, guilty1, you were out there lurking!!<P>I have often tried to record in my profile the update to my story. However, every time it seems to get deleted. So, here is the story so far. <P>Before she moved out, my W used that "I need time to myself" talk. Eight months later she is in a small city south of here with the OP running a specilty atheletic shoe and apperal store for runners. An idea she proposed to which I wanted to do with her. <P>If she would be in the same room with me I would prefer to do all these things with her instead. I do not know how or if I will have a chance to get her away from her situation. I can only hope that all the LITTLE things which used to annoy me about her (and I miss those) will drive the wedge in for me.<P>I just realized that she has never ever asked whether I was remaining celebate this whole time. In fact, and she hates it when I do, I talk about how much I feel I have grown, with the benefit of celebacy, during this time.<P>Got work, back later!<P>rrunrr<BR>


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