My husband's affair came to light 4 months ago. To date, not one of his friends have tried to contact him. We were a tight social group of 5 couples. He had been having a 2-year long afair with one of the wives, the wife of his best friend, no less! After the woman admitted the affair to his friend, sparing none of the juicy details, he received a horrible letter from S. That pretty much cinched the afair. My husband is waiting for one of the guys to contact him, but it hasn't happened. He is afraid of rejection, I think, so he won't make the first move either. I am hoping that we can still have a relationship with the other 4 couples. Is this possible or am I dreaming. I really liked these people. I don't know how to resolve this situation, and I know my husband is very lonely. Has anyone else been in this situation?

Unless you divorce your husband, and decent friend will stay the hell away from the both of you. He is true scum, to f*** the wife of a friend and deserves everything that happens to him for the rest of his life. You are an innocent bystander sufferring for his lowness.<P>Sorry

I have a group of friends and I believe they might react the same way. Perhaps they are shocked. Perhaps they are embarrassed by the situation. Maybe they just don't know what to say!<P>If you're interested in re-establishing a relationship with some of the couples, why don't you call one of the wives yourself. Maybe meet her for lunch. Depending on how comfortable you are with her, you could ask her about it. The longer you put it off, the harder it will be.<P>My situation is different because our friends are my old high school friends and my husband didn't have an affair with one of them. But, when my hubby and I reconciled, we eased ourselves back into our old friendships by going out with them a couple at a time instead of a big group. After a few months, we were all comfortable together and it was like my husband never left.<P>Of course, it all depends on how long you've been friends with these people. Maybe it's time to meet a whole group of new ones <P>Good luck <P>P.S. Guilty1, maybe you should change your name to Grouchy1. No offense, but she certainly didn't deserve that tone from you because I'm sure she's hurting enough.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by chrisco:<BR><B> To date, not one of his friends have tried to contact him. We were a tight social group of 5 couples. He had been having a 2-year long afair with one of the wives, the wife of his best friend, no less! </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Nothing personal, but I think that would permanently remove him from my friend candidate list. That is the ultimate backstab, and to his best friend. Imagine the pain he caused those people. Maybe this is a "guy thing", but I wouldn't have anything to say to him. And I wouldn't want him around my wife, either.<BR>

My W had an A with my best friend. It is the worst back stabbing that there could be. I still have to work with him and it's a constant reminder of what he did. He shows no remorse at all. Ive lost alot of good friends because of this. I was very close to his family and now I walk the other way if I see anyone of them in a store. So I know what your feeling it's a tough thing to go through .Good luck<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Depressed H (edited June 27, 2000).]

Geeze Guilty1, thanks for the encouragement! Do you not believe in forgiveness under any circumstances? If not, why are you in this web site? I was operating under the assumption that I could help rebuild my marriage by surrounding us with good and decent people. I am somewhat encouraged by the reactions of our friends. I guess I WANT friends that are angered and horrified by my husband's behavior. Had they gone to him immediately and welcomed him back into their circle without any distancing of themselves from him, then he would have gotten the wrong ieda, i.e. that his "bad boy" behavior was OK since he's a guy. Well, they obviously DIDN'T think it was OK, and they're sending this message to him loud and clear. They are also sending it to the OW involved. None of the wives will have anything to do with her either, thus, her husband is suffering the loss of HIS friends also. It's just a horrible situation. My question, then, is what are the chances of our good friends ever being able to trust or like my husband again? Obviously the relationship between my husband and his former best friend is over forever, for good reason, and I hope he mourns that loss forever--he deserves to--but I was hoping that his behavior hasn't forever lost all of our other friends. I was hoping that at some point, the guys would gave him a good a--chewing and then slowly, gradually allow him back into their good graces, but only if he showed himself to be truly remorseful and expressed a desire to never behave in this way again. But this won't happen if he steadfastly refuses all contact with everyone. No one is going to contact him first. Of course, I am basking in his undivided attention just now, but I cannot take the place of his male friends. Do I just sit back and wait for an "accidental meeting" of my H and one of the guys, or just wait until my H feels strong enough to make the first move?

I'd go with Marysee's advice.<P>Maybe talk with one of the wives first (either about this, or just have a girl's lunch). Then see if you & your H and she and hers can go out...ease your H's way back into this circle. He may need your help to do this, as many men are not great social planners, even without all this baggage to carry. <P>Good luck!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by chrisco:<BR><B>Do you not believe in forgiveness under any circumstances? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, forgiveness and choosing people to spent your leisure time with are two different things.<P>You make a good point that you and the other BS suffer in this as well. That is a shame.<P>I think that sometimes any sort of marital problems are viewed as a plague by married couples...like you might catch it if you get too close. In your case, the husbands in your old circle might not want your husband around their wives, and the wives might not want their husbands exposed to a case history of where fooling around was forgiven and forgotten. <P>I think the only thing your H can do is try to reach out to one friend at a time...sit down with him, explain the whole thing, tell him how much you and he need their friendship. <P>But don't be surprised if it doesn't work. You might try making some new friends.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited June 28, 2000).]

How can a "friend" mess with a man's wife and not expect consequences from his friend's buddies?<P>Men basically view their wives as the most precious property they own. If your husband stole $250,000 from his best friend, would you expect any of that friend's buddies to talk to your husband? Even if your husband repaid $100,000, because the other $150,000 is lost forever and cannot be repaid, no<BR>decent man would ever willingly "hang out" with such a back stabber, especially if they also had $250,000 each in a bank of their own.<P>You are a double victim. You need to find some new couples to hang out with.