To not speak to you? Not to even call and see how the grandchild is doing!? After I filed they cut me and my son off. WS 's whole side of the family!!!
If I were to send Christmas cards I wouldn't know what to say.I tried talking to them months back but they said they want nothing to do with us.
They side with there son.
After what there son has done I can't Beleive it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Affairs,Abuse,Drugs,porn
They still see him as an Angel <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Mary,
I know how hard you want to connect with the in-laws. My W's inlaws and I are very close, but with plan A I cannot contact them, my W gets mad. I too wanted to send them holiday cards. Do NOT do it. They are BIAS, just like my parents are toward me. THEY ARE my support, but at least they care about my W and their granddaughter.

They think YOU did this. They hear his story....they won't believe you (sad but true)They see no fault of their son.....but they will when they come out of the "FOG". I call it "IN-LAW FOG". It's fairly normal. It is THEIR son VS you and your family. It will pass. Just Plan A them too.....why not. They will eventually feel guilty not being there for their grandson. Just make sure they know that grandson is accesible to them.

As Always My Prayers

But you need to remember, that he is THEIR son. And it's actually a FANTASTIC thing, knowing that your H has some support. He may really need it one day, should he make it out of the fog.

Karen

Mary,

My husbands parents were very distance to me at first, even mean at times.They even called the police on me twice. They really over reacted to some things I said and my husband had them convince I was crazy. Of course I was bitter and it showed. They had only heard my husband's side and we always want to believe our children. My relationship with my in laws had never been good and got bad before my husband left.

Praise God, I am a new person. I have a great relationship with my MIL now. I have learned to love her. My husband is a part of her and that is were my love for her started. I started acting different to her and things changed. Parents do not want to here bad things about their children no matter how old they may be.

By the way my MIL has told me she was sorry for the things she said and did. She said she realizes now that everything was different from what she had believed. Only God can heal a relationship in this way. Turn to Him. He is the God of restoration.

The last time I called my MIL's home when our daughters were there she told one of my daughters to tell me she missed me and hoped I would come to see her soon. Believe me when I say God can heal relationships.

gentle

I have been married three times and twice now have had in laws ALMOST FROM HELL!
The one thing that it has taught me is, when my kids(7) get married, and two are this winter, I will NOT be that way. I WILL support them to stay together only and work it out! I will not be my kids HIDEOUT or there DIVORCE counselor and will love their spouses.
Its a good thing that your child has YOU. You are a very good woman! I would want you as a daughter in law! If you get divorced I have a couple of eligable sons your age!
Keep up the good work. It is making a big differance to your son. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Mary,
As the saying goes, "blood is thicker than water". Aren't you glad YOUR parents are behind YOU? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Those BS whose in-laws support them are the exception (and I'm one of them). It may not necessarily be what your H is telling them, it is possible that they're embarrassed by his behavior too; they don't know what to say. Just keep on loving them, (Plan A) and hopefully things WILL change for you soon.

Avondale,
Not only is blood thicker than water....but it is thicker than mud.

I was quite close with XW's family during our counselling....during counselling and prior to D day, I had that gut feeling my then W was having an affair, but never broached the topic with the X in-laws. Upon discovery of her affair and confronting W, W in turn blasphemed me to her parents and told me they never wanted to speak to me again. This was her means to prevent me from telling them of her A. This all took place just prior to my 40th B-Day; I didn't even get a card from the in-laws.

Just ignore them. I think of it this way...either they are in denial or just plain ignorant...either way, you can come out on top.

<small>[ November 17, 2002, 06:35 AM: Message edited by: catamount82 ]</small>

Yes, this does happen.

In families where the WS family does not support the WS, the BS has a better chance of WS changing their minds and returning.

However, my in-laws are just like yours.

They allowed ExH to live with them while we were separated, which caused him to have a place to live while he was waiting for the time delays to expire so he could file for divorce. If they didn't, he would have had no place to go and may have moved back in.

And what really gets me is that WS's step-dad is very involved in the church and yet still supports WS over me. He says it's for the sake of the kids..... whatever that means, I guess it's better for the kids to live in a divorced home than a two parent home.

It makes me sick.

But then I've learned that that is how WS's mom and step dad got together - the both divorced theor spouses, so the apple doesn't fall far from the tree....... K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> They think YOU did this. They hear his story....they won't believe you (sad but true)They see no fault of their son.....but they will when they come out of the "FOG". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My Ws Father,had an affair on his wife..yrs back!
And his moms father is a sex addict,she grew up with nude pictures on the walls.He took pictures of nude women in college they're married he's had many affairs on his wife!!

SO his moms side of the family thinks I'm awful because I filed..

His dads side of the Family...are christians,the last time I saw them it was around D-day Sept-02.
They drove from differant cities to take me out for dinner on my Birthday.
At that time they told me WS parents no-longer wanted them to talk to me about there son.And they couldn't invite us on the holidays.But we we'll always be Family to them....

Sept -02 when I was debating on leaving.
WS parents.... called my cell phone(because our home line was now shut off,along with the electric,because he was spending $ on the ow).
They called me his mother is VERY EMOTIONAL..she was yelling at me telling me I should not leave,I was this awful person.I tried explaining like an adult that we have no phone,no electric,my husbands bringing OW over,He took the car.My baby is not living like this I can not do it alone while he's out and about!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> They will eventually feel guilty not being there for their grandson. Just make sure they know that grandson is accesible to them.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The Last time I spoke and emailed them I told them....they may see Kieran anytime,I donot in anyway want to keep there one and only grand baby away from them.Kieran needs his Family...he loves people <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
They have only seen him Once since he was born,my son is a year and a half...they move every 2 yrs I kid you not, right now there living in Florida...we live in Michigan.

Ws has told me the reason they helped him get one of the most expensive lawyers in this city.Was so they had a good chance of having him flown to Florida so they wouldn't have to mess with the cold.They want my WS to fly with my baby....ws has supervized visitaion(which his lawyer is fighting),because of abuse and drugs.

I just can't imagine if my son did this to his wife I would be not think of him as an angel <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> that he is THEIR son. And it's actually a FANTASTIC thing, knowing that your H has some support. He may really need it one day, should he make it out of the fog.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is true...but they are also telling him negitive things about us...you guys wern't ment to be,and there paying his bills...the phone bill got to be 700 dollers they payed that for him(he was calling 1900 numbers).The electric/gas was shut off they payed that and helped him get it turned back on again.Rent they help him with/his lawyer/they gave him one of the two cars he has.
They Try but maybe there enabling him from hitting bottom!!!!
They send him money for shopping/food...the list goes on.
What do you think ENabling!???

That's exactly it, BBMBF, your inlaws are enabling your H. He'll NEVER learn that way.

My inlaws have done the same thing. This time, things are different. They have told him they will support him, however, not financially. I asked them to cut him off of any money... but I have a STRONG feeling that they were going to do that anyways.

Karen

Same here!

mil has not called me or even her 4 grandchildren since H walked out on us. I did speak to her briedly when D and I went to drop off more of H's stuff but she is in denial. She is also enabling him. And Im sure if he has another drunk driving arrest, she will pay for that too.

Its especially hurtful to me as both my parents are dead and my brother with whom I am very close lives 2000 miles away. H, is his disease of alcoholism also alienated me from other members of my family who live closer. I am trying to rebuild those relationships. Aunt and cousin are spending Thanksgiving with us.

I keep waffling back and forth about contacting H's family and letting them know my side, but I know thedy wont believe me. His brother however is on my side and knows how sick his brother is. He has promised to do anything to help us, but I dont know what that means.

Praise God, I am a new person. I have a great relationship with my MIL now. I have learned to love her. My husband is a part of her and that is were my love for her started. I started acting different to her and things changed. Parents do not want to here bad things about their children no matter how old they may be

Gentle,

That gives me hope,right now it seems we will never get along.But in time after things settle down maybe.I have always been good about sending all the family Pictures of our son.I'm always getting his pictures done,along with updates recordings of his voice,video tapes.
But they want nothing from me now.
I just don't understand it,there christians(well there involved in there church) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
She's on the praise and worship team,he does the sound and lighting.....they even counsel couples,they even did our pre-marriage counsling!

I have been married three times and twice now have had in laws ALMOST FROM HELL!

That would be SOOOO Hard,I can't imagine another set of mean in laws <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Poor thing!!!!

The one thing that it has taught me is, when my kids(7) get married, and two are this winter, I will NOT be that way. I WILL support them to stay together only and work it out! I will not be my kids HIDEOUT or there DIVORCE counselor and will love their spouses.

Wow I would Love for you to be my mother in law <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ...I tell myself over and over the samething.What a busy mom you must be 7 kids...my aunt has 12...I always wanted 4-6 myself we'll see if that happens though,with my luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Its a good thing that your child has YOU. You are a very good woman! I would want you as a daughter in law! If you get divorced I have a couple of eligable sons your age!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Thank you....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Aren't you glad YOUR parents are behind YOU? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes Avondale I am very thankful of that!!

catamount82 </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This all took place just prior to my 40th B-Day; I didn't even get a card from the in-laws.

Just ignore them. I think of it this way...either they are in denial or just plain ignorant...either way, you can come out on top.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry about them not even sending you a card,there's a line between sticking up for the WS and them being down right Mean and hurtful out of anger.
I guess I 'm going to have to ignore them!!
What hurts the most is I know I my son won't even get a card from them....for Christmas.

In families where the WS family does not support the WS, the BS has a better chance of WS changing their minds and returning.

GodisinControl,

This is very true....how many years and how much money will they spend to bail him out!? At some point you think it would click that he's using them.

And what really gets me is that WS's step-dad is very involved in the church and yet still supports WS over me. He says it's for the sake of the kids..... whatever that means, I guess it's better for the kids to live in a divorced home than a two parent home.

I'm so sorry!! It just doesn't make ANY SENSE,CHILDREN NEED Mom and Dad...not people saying it's better for you to split.Thats the same thing WS parents are saying now***It's time to GIVE UP,Move on.

But then I've learned that that is how WS's mom and step dad got together - the both divorced theor spouses, so the apple doesn't fall far from the tree....... K

It's crazy how things get passed down,I will not let my son become like his dad.He's gonna be respectful of women,and himself enough...and hopefully will see his dad for what he is.
If he doesn't change*

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> mil has not called me or even her 4 grandchildren since H walked out on us. I did speak to her briedly when D and I went to drop off more of H's stuff but she is in denial. She is also enabling him. And Im sure if he has another drunk driving arrest, she will pay for that too.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sunrise,
That is Awful...I just don't get it why cut the children off!!?? There children for Gods sake <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Christmas will be interesting.....I doubt my son will be included in that side for christmas.
(((it's so sad)))

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Aunt and cousin are spending Thanksgiving with us.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thats a good start....maybe inlaws will come around when they see what there missing out on!!

I'm sorry about your parents....(((Hugs)))

My stbx in laws have not phoned me in six months and they work for my stbxh. They are totally supportive of him. Well he does more than most sons including writing the commission checks he pays them...Warped situation. I have so many times witnessed him talking ugly to them. REversed roles if you ask me.

I am sure that stbxh has told them I was insane. Well I was indeed depressed and that was not now but last year when I had suffered through two years of unrepentant adultery and verbal/mental abuse from this man. Can say that my counselor said I don't really need her services any more b/c I have my head on straight but she will be there for support if I need it. But last year I found out that father il was cheating on mil. And that wasn't the first episode of that. All of them hid behind huge smiles and always asked forgiveness of the church. Never knew about any of their past affairs until this last one. And his mom just takes it. She even came to our home last year one night crying telling me about her pain and wanting support and today she hasn't even attempted to call her dil, me for six months. As far as I can say, you have to divorce them also. Blood is far more thicker than water. They knew he had pushed me down before. Knew I had been hurting from his affairs and still they want to believe something must be wrong with me to "push" their beloved son to behave in such a way. Pure fog. But they have their own infidelity fog to deal with too. Just glad I don't have to wake up in the morning knowing I've spent over a quarter of a century with a man who totally disrespected me in private while pretending to be someone else in public.

And apples don't fall too far from trees. They have supposedly even helped him with offering money to help him with our settlement agreement. He is a non repentant man, my stbx. And I have a better word for those parents who support the negative actions of their children, especially when it is harmful or morally wrong--they are ENABLERS.

I think when a d happens, they think that you are going to either take away their grandchildren or deny their loving little children toys or money somehow. And even when it is their children's fault, it is a direct, DIRECT reflection of their parenting mistakes. Like a kind of denial also. They know it may or could be a result of something they did or said during some point in time but rather than say that they were not as good examples of living, they'd rather point a finger and blame.

Depends on the state of the heart of the IL's I think. Mine claim to be Christians but are instead masters of denial, blame, and enabling. Can't think how kids could even stand a chance of coming out normal when they have a dad who's cheated on their mom about five known times and a mom who's so insecure and yet passive aggressive that she is dominant around the kids but passive around the dad that she just sits there and takes it.

All I know is I face my son's life challenges head on. I am hoping that there will be some good to come out of this separation and pending divorce. That my son will not grow up and repeat this cycle of family destruction. Although his grandparents are still married, do you call that a marriage? Nope. I want my son to have an intact family, a loving and stable marriage one day and will love his wife and kids. I will be their support. But the fact that my son is still around the IL's and sees his dad for several days every other week makes me worry. That world is still there for him to see. The excuses, the denials and the enabling that exists in their little world. All I can do is pray and do my best as the mother of my precious son.

And if the parents, the IL's don't enable, I think reconciliation is much more possible. Lost cause here probably. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Just a few thoughts about this based on my experiences.

First, usually the relationship between the daughter/son and their parents is much closer than the one with the married-in spouse. I would bet there's alot more contact there, and the version of the situation being told is NOT the one you see as having happened. When I finally found out what my wayward husband had told his parents, I almost couldn't believe it. Worse, I couldn't believe they fell for it. I eventually contacted them and clarified the story, at least at that point in time. But my ex-husband kept minimizing and lying all the way through, and they kept falling for it. No parent wants to believe bad things about their child. Even highly intelligent ones, like my inlaws, who always liked me and continued to throughout this ordeal (and even post divorce), kept falling for this.

Second, parents that tolerate infidelity in their children are telling you alot about their style of parenting and their own values. There really is only one acceptable way for a parent to deal with infidelity in their child, especially when there are children involved. They have to take a direct stand about it being wrong, and not tolerate it. Parents that know about the infidelity and choose to deal with it in any other way, are frankly, weak parents and are unlikely to ever be helpful to the betrayed spouse. Parenting is not about being friends with children when they do bad. The element of setting boundaries and enforcing them, while still showing caring, is critical. It is hard to be a great parent. Not coincidentally, children that come from parents that don't take stands and enforce limits, have the same problems about boundaries and fall into affairs to begin with.

Unfortunately, I view your situation with his family as something beyond your ability to work. I think you're best letting go of all of them and focusing on giving your children the best life you can. If the inlaws choose to engage themselves later, you can welcome them in. But it's their choice, and ultimately their loss, if they don't. It's best in life to focus on the things you can control and to do your best with them.

Best of luck.

BBMBF, I read another of your posts today and looked at your pictures.
it is hard to see other's pain along with what I am going thru myself but I just wanted to say you are a strong person. When my husband was small his parents seperated and I'm not sure if it was infidelity, but she got some bad advice from the Catholic church regarding what to do. He never divorced her, but she was so angry at him and his side of the family that she wouldn't let him see his dad and his grandparents. when his dad died when he was 11 she blamed his brother and still wouldn't let him see his grandparents or anyone. I don't understand people like that, and I wouldn't do that even if I was really PO'd at my MIL, which I have been, because she knew OW #1 and liked her! Hopefully they will come to their senses and want to see them, even if they don't want anything to do with you. Where in Mi do you live? I am in western Mi. 30 min away from Lake Mi. Sometimes it is hard to see your children as adults and realize they have made mistakes. I think my MIL is finally starting to realize he has some problems but she cna't do any thing to change him and he is her only child so... I don't expect her to hate him or anything, but the part she played was devastating to me. I can be around her now, but I don't really talk to her and I will never be close to her, no matter what happens. Another by-product of the affair-and totally my H's fault. Hugs to you, DBD