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Joined: Sep 2002
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janemh Offline OP
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Does anyone here have a spouse with BPD?

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Weel, unofficially, but a majority of the signs are there. . . what information are you looking for??

wiftty

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janemh Offline OP
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I just want to talk with people who are experiencing life as a non BP. My husband has most of the symptoms (no self injury) He has no official diagnosis. We are separated and in counseling. I have just "put the peices together" and look back at 16 years of crazy, chaotic, unpredictable situations. 2 children together-D16 recently diagnosed bipolar-S11 recently diagnosed w/depression. Just need to "talk"

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Well,

let me say that i believe it is hereditary, but that very few will admit to it because the history is so short for the particular disorder, and it is a sneaky one. . . . with the manipulation of very close family members, and their is alot of quietness about it. . .

it has similarities to alot of other illnesses, and is generally so bizarre and confusing to outside people that they can't see it and sort of brush it off.

Yes, as you look back there is alot of craziness, and at times you have to work extra hard at not getting sucked in. . . my XILs were very strange, conversations were about weather and traffic, anything else was just impossible . . .

when my X started going down hill, partly accelerated by peri menopause i am sure, i asked here what i did for work, and she said she didn't really know, that after 10 years and me helping her do my job as she was a treasurer of a day care for awhile. . . stuff is just weird. . .
and to make matters worse, once you start to recognize how they operate, the more you realize that you were completely fooled. . . . .

too many stories. . . but some of them just come back just now. . . even before we married, and i just stayed with her after being dumped by so many women, that i couldn't dump her, it would be very hurtful, ugh!

wiftty

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One thing that bothers me about all of these disorders is-WHO DOES NOT HAVE ANY AT ALL?
I think that its called life and differant people(personalities)
Do we divorce someone because the have bp tendancies? Do we dis-own a daughter because she feels fat and throws up her food?
Do we bail out of a marriage because our spouse has a compulsion to keep everything clean??

Get what I am saying??? Everything is a "disorder" now days. Everyone has a disorder. It's called life-people in the past just dealt with it and stayed connected.

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janemh Offline OP
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Ezra- I agree with you that "labeling" is way over-rated. The important thing is not "what it's called" the important thing is, how can I deal with this?

On the other hand, I am spending time trying to figure out IF I can "stay connected" or not? Should I continue to try to help H or not? Should I help my children to understand his emotionally abusive behavior, or just leave and wash my hands of it? That may solve my problem, but my kids still have to deal with him. I keep thinking that if I understand it, I can deal with it.

"Do we divorce someone because the have bp tendancies?" I DON'T KNOW! DO WE??

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Hi all,
Label or not, sometimes things get so crazy and do not make any sense that boundaries for ones own sanity are so necessary. If not, even if it is life and not an identifiable mentally labelled illness, then one sometimes needs to save oneself from the insanity that comes with infidelity and the fog or whatever.

In my case, nearly 4 years from d day...still not settled, still not divorced. Passive aggressive, narcissistic, ADHD, BPD, controlling manipulative etc, behaviours or not(!), sometimes it is just time to move on for oneself no mater what is flung one's way. No need to intellectualize, no need to label, just need to know that nothing makes sense and never will.Sometimes one needs to walk away totally and never ever engage in the nuttiness again..and that is when one becomes healthier and happier....no matter what.

Save oneself and save those kids one can...that is all one can do

Just my humble opinion.

<small>[ December 16, 2002, 04:33 PM: Message edited by: willbok99 ]</small>

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I guess it would depend on what was involved in their personality disorder. My H and I have been through counseling after a rough year and me filing divorce (still in the process) after about a year our counselor had him take a mmpi test, which indicated he had anti-social personality tendencies (didn't necessarily label him having the disorder). Basically, he has a problem with lying. He somehow (or his brain) twists the stories so he doesn't even realize he is lying but is believing it himself. Take for instance his affair -- although i can't get him to admit it was a physical affair he finally admitted to an emotional one. anyway, after i found out we agreed there wouldn't be any contact between him and the ow -- unprofessionally, that is (they work together, he is technically her supervisor). so, he accepted gifts from her, did lunch etc., after we agreed. he then said it was ok because it was during work time. give me a break!!!! i have caught him in so many 'untruths' and somehow he is able to manage an excuse or something to make it sound right. because i know he has a tendency to lie, how can i ever know he won't lie to me, be unfaithful again, or if it gets worse?????

so, like someone already said. you don't have to label anything, if your not happy, then you need to look at the alternatives.

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For borderline... you can treat it with drugs. That's one way to diagnose it. "Normal" people don't respond to these kinds of drugs. OCD, borderline, epilepsy, ADHD, depression, etc... are all part of a class of mental disorders caused by funky brain wiring.

All you "normal" people wouldn't understand what it's like. Let me tell you something tho... even those of us with it, can't tell when our spouse if having an affair.

Smiles. I have epilepsy and possibly ADHD. I should probably look into the ADHD thing more, but it already lost my interest. When learning about it, I wondered if I had borderline... as I understand it, borderline isn't about deception, so much as pushing EVERY FREAKING THING IN YOUR LIFE TO THE BREAKING POINT depending on impulsive tendencies you really don't have a handle on controlling... hence the name. Very easy to misdiagnose as one of the other things.

My heart reaches out to any of you that have to put up with one of us. I certainly couldn't stand to live with myself... maybe that's why my wife had an affair. It still hurts a lot though. But, know this... without an INTENSE desire to treat these things by the person with it... it's very easy for "us" to fool "you" into thinking we're actually treating it when in fact, we're just pretending. Be careful. I only got serious about my epilepsy 2 years after my first seizure and diagnosis.

All the love, TLC, and well-meaning support isn't going to do any good unless the person can consistently commit to treatment... and in many cases it's more than just drugs... it's regular blood tests, visits to therapists, alien probing... all that good stuff. It's kind of embarrassing and some of us would rather manufacture outrageous excuses to not be treated. After all, it's our own private hell and who the hell are you to come barging in with your well-meaning love and support!?! Hmmm?

My advice to anyone with a cheating spouse with one of these things is to back off, let them know that you'll be there for them AFTER they've demonstrated a willingness to undergo treatment. In many cases, just write them off... they've caused enough pain and guess what? The nature of the disorder makes us inclined to grow bored of the "routine of treatment" and stop... and we won't even tell you. How many times are you going to lay on the railroad tracks with me while I purposefully defy yet ANOTHER seizure... just to see if I can stop taking my medication?

I apologize for the flippant tone of this posting, but I hope I get the point across that:
a) in this class of disorders, the patients view the world often flippantly... including YOU.
b) treatment has to include consistent work with drugs and therapy and counselling and aliens.
c) for love, I might do "b"... but only for a while. Ask yourself how many times you're willing to play this game with me, be hurt, and keep coming back for more... because some of us can play this game more intently and far longer than you can.
d) We need help... and loved ones are probably the worse ones to be giving it. If I haven't already demonstrated a firm commitment to "b" by now... I'd suggest you pack your bags, write me off forever, and be pleasantly surprised if that commitment ever manifests itself.
e) You don't owe me anything that I shouldn't already be doing myself... if I'm not doing that, I sure as hell can't accept anything you have to offer. Welcome to Co-Dependence ville.

Keep in mind that I'm also generalizing based on my own experience with epilepsy, ADHD, depression, AND my wife's affair. She and her actions brought out the worst in me for all of these things. For me, I can feel it peaking and falling... and like being tied to a railroad tracks I can feel an oncoming onslaught in the vibrations all around me. When it hits, I have a brief memory of a world of pain exploding in me... and then nothing for hours just flashes and piecemeal memories that may or may not be real. I'd never marry myself and I'd never ask someone to be with me without their fully understanding this thing in my life. And, epilespy ain't nothing compared to the havoc of unchecked OCD, anxiety, and borderline.


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