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#741367 12/18/02 10:51 AM
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Not sure how many of you are familiar with my story with Lady K (my w)...Each are married for 2nd time and looking back I know how gray our boundaries were. We never established gound rules for our instruction and discipline of one anothers children (I: 2 wonderfully gifted boys 15, 13...W: 2 intelligent, filled with the spirit boys 10, 8). We haphazardly and with crayola gray created a foundation on sand and not rock! Although we pursued the truth through scripture every now and again, I always "ran" away when the familial matters became difficult. I wanted our Boundaries in our marriage to be based on required reading in scripture, but was too weak. God holds all the truth and establishes for us very clear and rigid boundaries of which we are to adopt and adhere to here on earth. Instead, I would run to be affirmed by OW. It started with EA's and culminated in a EA/PA with co-worker (10/01). As of 5/02 I moved out per w's request. Guilt and shame moved me out without "fighting" for what I deep down hold so dearly. For the last several months we went through the motions of trying to regain, recapture what really never existed in our marriage. Off and on I was working with my Pastor and going to counseling. During this time w was affirming, loving and in my corner although I sensed I wasn't doing enough in her eyes and truly believed I would never ever carry her trust with me.

For the last 2 months I have renewed myself in Christ (2nd baptism), attending SLAA group, sought out 2 accountability partners (whom I love in Christ so much), see Pastor and counselor every 2 weeks. In addition, I acquired along the way the book "Boundaries" (Thank YOU, CAjunky), learning more and more about myself, sometimes more than I wished to know! Bottom line is I'm doing this for ME! My desire is to be a better man, one who knows not of his old familiar ways, rather one who "puts on Christ everyday". With Christ's blessing I will continue on this path of resurrection and renewal!

My w told me during this past week she is "exclusive" with OM and IS going to file dv. I took Friday 13 December off as that was the date we agreed she would sign and notarize the paperwork to begin an "uncontested" dv and drop off to me (NY)...very cut and dry process as we only have a house of which she is applying to solely place in her name. Because adultery is the only Biblically based reason for dv, I have concurred with her and even offered to pay up front the filing fees. I LOVE her so much I am willing to let her go as I know her trust in me will never ever recover. Bottom line is she never dropped off the paperwork or even called me to tell me something came up.

Because I was never contacted by her (I know procastination is one of her qualities and thought that was all it was). She has told me she is no longer angry with me and in fact has forgiven me. I thought it was ging to be "painless". I LOVE her so much that I emailed her copies of me filing dv on Monday 16 December so to re-affirm her feelings that it's ok to let go...I'll be ok and so too will she! I didn't want her to feel guilty.

She emailed me this morning stating that if I file she would contest it and file dv against me for adultery. Compounding the matter even more she said she would drag the co-worker into the matter.

here's where the no contact comes into play...I contacted OM (whom she is "exclusive") and thought he could talk some sense into her. He said they are not exclusive and in fact called her and made a comment to her that put her in the position to call me and say if I contacted her again she would file harrassment charges. She did say that she would file this Friday.

Was I wrong for taking the steps I did? I'm confused and need some insight!

In Christ!
<><

#741368 12/18/02 12:35 PM
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<small>[ December 18, 2002, 01:51 PM: Message edited by: LadyK ]</small>

#741369 12/19/02 01:14 AM
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Lady K-

This is not the forum for this back and forth. However, I never said "he" mentioned "exclusivesness"...I stated YOU said "exclusive" please reaad original post. Becasue of YOUR comment to me, and the fact that I have let go, I thought it appropriate to include your exclusive man in prompting you to file on basis of abandonment as that was what you verbally agreed to. furthermore, you agreed to deliver doc's on that day...if you weren't in agreement, then you should have stated such!!!

The problem here is that you don't see that my commitment to my recover and becoming a better man is between Christ and I. I pray that you can see that I have let go of all my transgressions in our marriage and knowing what I put you through I would have never recovered your trust (I wholeheartedly accept that). I have let go of marital recovery with YOU! My goal is to achieve ALL that God has in store for me thru Christ Jesus. In the event he someday places before me a Godly woman (as I know YOU are), I will have the tools and skills to uphold, edify and be one flesh with her!

This is true! Just because i have forgiven you doesn't mean you are welcome back into my home and in my life. I haven't asked to be back into your life, I have asked if a dv is truly what you want! I accept your condition of me in order to file dv. That's how much I love YOU!

In Christ!
<><
PS Lady K-
I'm sorry you won't forgive me again. But that is on your shoulders!

God's blessings all your days, Lady K!

#741370 12/19/02 01:24 AM
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<small>[ December 18, 2002, 01:52 PM: Message edited by: LadyK ]</small>

#741371 12/18/02 02:29 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LadyK:
<strong>I will file for a divorce, but only one stating ADULTERY as the reason. It's the only reason God is okay with divorce so I want that in writing. I need you to type a "confession" stating what you have done and with whom and have it noterized. This will be enough for the courts (per speaking with legal counsel today).

When I get your statement I will file.

I have forgiven you for ALL your transgressions in our marriage, but I will NEVER forgive you for calling this man today - NEVER!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe some day I will cease to be amazed by the human capacity for self-delusion. Not to mention the human predilection for reducing God's will and wisdom to mere legalism.

LadyK, I don't know you or your husband or the new man in your life. I have no doubt that you have good cause to be angry, and I have no advice for you. But...be careful, OK? Your posts make me uneasy at multiple levels, and I am afraid that you are not only in a dark place, but that you are not in the place you think you are.

#741372 12/18/02 02:43 PM
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<small>[ December 18, 2002, 01:53 PM: Message edited by: LadyK ]</small>

#741373 12/18/02 03:08 PM
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GDP/LK-

My only petition of the Lord for her (LK) is her happiness, peace and JOY! I am NOT bitter for her moving on...initially yes, as any partner in marriage would be. I have since found my own peace with the Lord through Christ, and in his time and his alone to be united in one flesh in Christ!

I do believe she (LK) carried me along as recently as 9/02 out of revenge and once she found someone to attend to her (LK) she dumped me! If this be her way, I forgive her! This marriage was NOT in God's will, I accept that!

GDP-I am sure she (LK) is happy and at peace as she has found someone single to be with, moving on with life. I pray for their happiness and continued growth in new found love and someday love like the comfort of an "old shoe". Should this relationship cease before her days, I pray for her continued pursuit of peasce JOY and happiness!

In Christ!
<><

<small>[ December 18, 2002, 02:09 PM: Message edited by: catch22222 ]</small>


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