I am doing a research project for college and was wondering if I could get some opinions on the topic of marriage at 1)a young age (17-23) or 2)marriage without living independently (going straight from parents house to spouses house). Any feedback would be helpful. Thanks.<BR> --RaeAnne<p>[This message has been edited by RaeAnne (edited December 06, 2000).]

RaeAnne,<P>I was about to post my reply and got booted off. Let's try again.<P>My first marriage which lasted 7.5 years started when I was 22 (going on 15 emotionally), he was 38. Neither of us had been married or in a serious relationship and I had lived with my very controlling mother up until we got married. My ex was/is a good man, but it just didn't work out. <P>Even though I never got in trouble, had excellent grades in school and was too shy to talk to anyone, I had no freedom to do anything alone or with friends until I got married. Even if I wanted to go to the mall or the grocery store, my mother just HAD to go with me. EVERY time. I didn't bother bringing friends home because mom would find something wrong with them and tell me I should not spend time with them. <P>Anyway, after I got married, I discovered how great it was to be able to do things that I wanted to do without asking. I would always let H know where I was going, but he said he didn't need to know. Being older than me, he had already done all his "partying", and I had never done any. To be honest, I went nuts! Went out with friends too often, drank too much, etc. I always asked him to go with me but he didn't want to. <P>Anyway, I don't really know what my point is about this, but the marriage did not survive. He was too laid back, I was not grown up enough. By the time I did grow up, it was too late for us. Neither of us had any feelings left for the other. He told me a year or so after we divorced that he probably wouldn't have married me if I hadn't been so much younger than him. Apparently my mother had some input into that too. Appearances being so important and all.<BR>We get along well now, as we usually did when we were married. Our son has access to both of us pretty much when he wants us. <P>I am married again (5.5 years) to a wonderful man and feel that this is what a marriage is really supposed to be. He is older than me also. Guess I like 'em that way. We don't have the same kinds of issues that my ex and I had. We like the same things, have a lot of the same ideas and beliefs and DO THINGS together!! <P>Hope this is not too rambling, and I hope it helps you in some way with your report.<P>HL<P>p.s. Yep, momma is still around. Still calls me EVERY night. That's ok though, I'm becoming a pro at diverting her attention . . . to my BROTHER!!!!

HL,<BR> Thanks for the input! Your first marriage seems to be a lot like my parents'. My mother married my father when she was 17 and he was 27. To this day she remembers looking to him as more of a father-figure than a husband. I recall a lot of fighting between them because of it. (They have worked on a lot of issues, though, and next April will have been married 24 yrs.!) <BR> This paper is supposed to be a proposal paper and I thought it would be an interesting idea to propose the legal age of marriage from 18 to 23 (or at least 2 years of independent living after 18). I know this will never happen, but I still think it would be a wise idea--especially these days.<BR> Both my older and younger sisters were also married at the age of 17. They both know wish they'd waited. Not that they don't love their husbands--they're just itching to know how it feels to actually be single and make decisions where the outcome wouldn't effect so many people.<BR> I, on the other hand, am now 21 and finally getting married to a wonderful man! I have lived independently for the past 3 years (2 of those years were spent across the country from my family). However, once I reached the age of 18 and still wasn't married--I panicked, thinking I was an "old maid." Now, I am thankful God told me to wait. I needed to find myself and know exactly what I wanted not only in life, but in a life-long companion. It was time well spent focusing on me and my spiritual walk with Christ.<BR> I know I could have asked my family for input, but I wanted some outside opinions--Thanks so much!

I was 20, H was 23.<BR>He had been living on his own for a while. I went straight from my parents house. <BR>It was so hard! We definitley did not have the tools to make it succesful. We are still married. Since we found marriage builders, we now have the tools to make things work. I would recommend a marriage course or seminar first. Check out Dr. Harley's concepts. If people could do the His Needs/Her Needs thing first it would be such a great asset.

RaeAnne,<P>I was 22, wife was 21 when we married 22 years ago. We had no idea what marriage was all about. The single thing that kept us together was our faith. We are both from solid intact Christian families. Divorce was never viewed as an option for us. I have two brothers and a sister that are all married from 10 to 25 years to their first and only spouse. Did we have some rough times? Yup. Do we still from time to time? Yup. My wife is my best friend. I always love her because that is a commitment I made. There are some times that I don't like her very much and that goes visa versa too. Similar interests, goals and ambitions have been the key. <P>Mud <><

RaeAnne,<P>Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. I wish you much happiness.<P>I agree with you that there should be some sort of "age limit" on marriage. I've also thought before that it should cost as much to get married as it does to get divorced. That probably wouldn't have much effect either, but it might make a few people think harder about taking the plunge. Especially those who take it over and over.<P>That brings me to another thought... At what point do people who marry 3 or 4 or more times decide THEY might be the problem? I know a woman who had been married/divorced 3 times by the time she was 25. Seems to me a rational person might just realize that they aren't marrying the problem, they ARE the problem. Hmmm just more of my random ramblings!<P>The best to you,<BR>HL

I was 20 and husband was 21 when we got married, and although we've had some good, memorable moments, most of the marriage of 4 1/2 years has been an uphill battle. Now, my husband is 25, will be 26 in Feb. and he is struggling with the concept that he got married too young, and under extreme circumstances (I was 7 months pregnant). He is just now being exposed to the single clubs, other women, single, carefree friends and that is what he wants but he has me, the old ball and chain plus two children to think about. It's rough right now, because I don't know how our relationship will be one day to the next. I just recently found out he's been in contact with an ex-girlfriend which has opened up a whole other realm of concerns among others. I admit, when we got married we didn't know what the hell we were doing, and most people don't! I've talked to people who dated their high school sweetheart, had a fairytale marriage, and then BOOM-Divorce! What really makes a marriage works is COMMITTMENT, TIME, AND TRUST-without these marriage is not a happy place to be.

Hi -<P>I guess I would be a good candidate for your project.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I am doing a research project for college and was wondering if I could get some opinions on the topic of marriage at 1)a young age (17-23)</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yep, that's me and my husband. I'm 22 and he's 24. We first got together when I was 17 (going on 18) and my husband was 19 (going on 20). We married when I was 19 and he was 21. We've been married for 3 years, together 4 years. And the weird thing is is that our birthdays are 2 years and 1 week apart.....weird.....<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>2)marriage without living independently (going straight from parents house to spouses house).</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yep, that is me totally. I used to live with my mom. Let's just say my mother "drove" me out of her house and right into my husband/then boyfriend's house. Yep, I went straight from my mom's house to my husband's parents house. We still live here now. We're going to move pretty soon, though...<P>Hope that helped. <P>Miaka<P>

i dont think there should be an age limit on marriage..we are all ready at different ages<BR>im not saying someone at 18 should marry but then again here are some 18 year old who are ready to marry and some are not ready til they are well into their 30s.<BR>its a personal thing and noone should tell someone they are too young too marry just because they are only 20<BR>and there are some people who have been through more in their lives at 20 than those at 30.<BR>.<P>

My H and I have been married 10 years, together for 15. We married at 23 (me) and 24 (him). We of course were immature, and had no idea what marriage was going to be like. <P>But I knew before we married that we shared values about commitment and the vows and promises we made to God and to each other. Our children further cemented our resolve to loyalty and tireless effort to keep things positive. <P>Our faith has grown along the way, and I think that it's had everything to do with our ability to carry on in spite of difficult times. <P>One thing that really helped me when I began feeling trapped or upset for whatever reason, was the thought that divorce was NOT an option. So when one "option" is not available it forces you to consider other avenues of solving problems. <P>We're in it for the long haul. We love each other, we've grown up together, and he's still the only person I really want to spend my time with. <P>I don't think that age is the factor. It's maturity overall, and this includes issues related to patience, desire for immediate gratification, willingness to work things out, and answering to a higher power rather than operating under selfishness and impulsiveness. <P><p>[This message has been edited by Lisanne (edited January 03, 2001).]

RaeAnne,<P>Me and my H have been married for 15 1/2 yrs. I was 16 and he was 25 when we married. I (and alot of other people) thought that I was really grown up for my age at the time.<P>I definitely would counsel people not to get married as young as I did. My parents were pretty strict and I thought that once I got married that I'd have all the freedom in the world and it would be just like dating the guy of your dreams for years.<P>Well, reality soon hit. I went from a strict household to a jealous/controlling (didn't allow me to cross a main street with the kids to go play in a nearby field, etc.)husband. It has been very difficult at times.<P>We had 2 children within our first 3 yrs. together. Even though they are wonderful, it probably wasn't wise to have them so soon. We now have 5 kids.<P>I wonder if waiting to get married would have allowed me to mature and 'get out' a little bit more, possibly avoiding the pain in our marriage of me having 2 affairs. Who knows.<P>I'm suggesting to my children that they wait until at least 25 yrs old. They don't know about the affairs, but they have seen us work out countless other troubles which I think will help them when/if they get married.<P>Good Luck to you!<BR>Ksgirl