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Its my week with daughter on her school vacation week . . .

X does not respect the preparation and pick up times when i have the kids for vacations, holidays, times when she is lonely. . ..

she is always late with preparations, always has excuses, this time it was 1 1/2 hours late because she had to wash daughters hair with her special conditioner. . .

after of course she had agreed one time, and then i agreed on a slide, but not that long. . .

now of course she wants to pick up D even earlier. . . the first reason for our agreement was, according to her, my dropping off D after 5pm just makes her schedule koo-koo. . . always related to her schedule, and always a nothing reason or excuse. . . .

now she only does stuff for and with kids if its free, including swimming lessons, horse back riding, stuff that kids like to do. . . never puts out any $$ effort for the kids to get a quality experience. . . .

X just called to see if she could have daughter come over to her place/school, all the same place, because its a snow day, and kids are asking for her, yet its my week. . . her reasoning is as follows: that is what D would be doing if she was with her. . . so she wanted to offer it to me. . . .

geez, can't i have my own time?

how do i address this with a manipulative, selfish, woman who just got dumped by her third boyfriend. and then she called me back to lecture me on manners and not saying "good bye" on the phone. i said, "Thank you very much for the offer, i am not interested at the moment." click

i need to be respectful, and feeler oriented, X does not understand logic. . .. but need to make an impact, for as long as it can last which is never very long. . .

thanks for any suggestions. . .

wiftty

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Hey there, wiffty,

Just stopped by ....
Same old, same old with X I read....
This is so frustrating for you and unless something changes, X will continue FOREVER to play the kids with her time vs your time. ...good parent/bad parent etc. fun parent/disciplinarian parent, friend vs adult parent. Am I correct?

X will never change, therefore I believe it is you who will have to be creative in managing this so that this becomes less stressful for you.

All I can suggest is do not let X trigger your stressers....and try to get it to work so you can continue your positive paternal role

Perhaps you, x and mediator could sit down and rework all the visitation with no flexibility until it is reciprocal, where your time with your children is respected and your frustrations are heard.

Eventually the kids become teens and then they decide who they want to live with and where they want to be, regardless of any legal or parental arrangements.....and this can be very painful when one parent plays games....or it can work very well....

Is it worth the effort in writing to X? When she asks for accomodations re scheduling etc, you can respectfully state, e-mail or write "Thank you for your offer for."..., but this does not work for me. Our original arrangements will stay in effect." It serves no purpose any more for you to justify to X why you will not agree to her requests nor do you have to explain. This simply muddies the water for X to find a crack to make it work for her request the next time...

Enjoy the week with your daughter.

<small>[ February 18, 2003, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: willbok99 ]</small>

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High five to you Wilbok! I agree with you. State it yes or no and go on. "I don't think so. We already have something planned." would work also. You don't have to tell her that you have a game of checkers planned.

As for the early pick up - "That's not convenient"

And on the special conditioner for the hair. Tell her to pack it - there is no law that says it can't be done at your house.

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and she just sits there and says no. . . .

i said those words. . . she says no. . . .

and of course, D believes that her hair has to be washed with special conditioner because its mom special. . . . you see, everything is special with her, and alot is conditioned on whether she considers something special. . . been down that route before. . . .

its the brainwashing that X is special, and stuff that X does is extra special, and they exchange the "I love you SO SO SO much routines in public, etc. . . its sickening." its a brainwashing job on the kids. . . no doubt about it. . .

all the excuses, all the blaming, can be seen as trying to make oneself feel special, extra special, as if in competition, and i am working daughter over on vacation as families are not competitive internally, but supportive. . . X grew up in very parentally competitive family. . . . across generations, etc. . . .

next suggestion. . . .

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And what is so special about this conditioner that you can't get a bottle without d bringing it with her? What's the name? Does the evil x brew it up in her own kitchen?

I realize the conditioner is only a small item. But, if you have it, mom may look more human and less omnipotent.

What would happen if you told this woman, "No. It's my time. They need to be ready. I have plans." "No, you can't pick them up. The courts said I am allowed this time." ???

<small>[ February 18, 2003, 11:04 PM: Message edited by: cinderella ]</small>

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Hi Tom,
I feel so badly for you and your children.

Only you can set the boundaries with X to make it work for you and your relationship with your children. Maybe they will learn a healthier manner of parent/child relationships over time and maybe not. You can only do your best and stay very involved in their lives.

If possible get your daughter especially into counselling...asap. It is very difficult for a child to understand and make sense of the different parent/child relationships where one parent uses the children to validate their own choices and life. Polarity of parenting styles is also very confusing. i.e. responsibility vs enabling

Other than continuing to model the more appropriate parenting role, it is impossible for you to clarify to your kids what most can see. This simply causes inner conflict within the kid as mom vs dad. Only a 3rd party...read counsellor to help your child, will help your daughter (and son) weigh what works for her, not you or X.

Be respectful, but do not accomodate or enable X's game playing with the kids as pawns and do not let anything intefere with your time until X is able to work with you...which probably will never be as long as she is competing with you as a parent to your children.

There is nothing you can do about the cloying behaviour you describe between X and kids, you have no role here, so let it go but get a therapist to sort it out with kids....(just make sure you get a very good therapist who is not charmed by your X's manipulation etc and dismisses your concerns about X's behaviour towards kids ..this then is worse and simply reinforces and vallidates X's behaviour in that she will perceive a win and you to have lost as a parent in the eyes of the counsellor which will enable more difficult behaviour)

Good Luck. I hope the rest of your life is working out for you.

<small>[ February 19, 2003, 10:30 AM: Message edited by: willbok99 ]</small>

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well, lets just say, she continues with trying to defend and attack, switch the point of the conversation, play offensive defense accusing me with generalities, projecting, etc. . . . .

yet i continue to try to discuss kids with a power despot. . . . . and i have been discussing the emotional revenge with d, as she is taking up where M leaves off. . . . the lessons i teach will be learned some day. . .

she even got it from the ski salesman the other day for being a prima donna. . . like her mom. . .
yea, and i have a good friend whom i met accidently, and he has a mother just like my X, and we share the same stories. . . just different location, and other people noticing the same attributes, and commenting on the side to us about them, in the nice polite terms. . . .

turning the kids against it, without the best interests of them at heart. . . unfortunately, i didn't listen to myself along time ago, and i thought that i could change or satisfy the needs that i heard. . . how wrong i was. . .how nieve i was. . . . ..

wiftty

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Childish, childish, childish. . . .
immature, immature, immature. . . .

At pickup, X was not there, left daughter a note on the door to tell me where to go with daughter. . . <right> We waited, since i figured out that she knew she would not be there on time.

I explain to Daughter what parent's responsibilities are. I explain what putting daughter in middle means. .. . . etc.
I explain to daughter what why i am frustrated. . .

X shows up 1/2 hour late. . .

asks daughter "why didn't she tell me where to go?"

I interceded. I say, "Talk to me about plans, do not put daughter in the middle."

X says, "i didn't have time." <such a loser!>

X says, "Daughter, did you bring back the tube sleds?"

Daughter says, "Ya, we did last week."
X says to me, "The one with the hole in it?"
Daughter says, "Yes we did and we told you about it."
I said, "Yes, we did and we told you about it."
X still insists that we hadn't.

I moved closer and said, "We have done everything correctly, now STOP IT! "

X says, "move back, you are in my space."
I replied instantly, "Get some chalk, draw a circle and stand in it."

No response, 1 for wiftty. . . . .

Then something was said about daughter's horseback riding lessons. I went for the jugular, "Lets have a meeting about it."

X yelled, "I refuse to meet with you." and she walked into the house and hid behind the door.

so i finished, got all the stuff ready, and went to the door and called her back out. The BF is visible in the doorway, and she is hiding behind the door.

She comes out and stands off, i ask her to come under the spot light, and then said, "What is wrong with you?" No answer.

<I of course know that she has not been right yet, and was late again after the week's emails about her being late for subtle and insidious reasons. I alsoknow when she wants to put on a show for the BF about loyalty, and trying to prove to him that i was the problem.>

Then she mentioned she was at son's big away match, and i couldn't go because my car broke down, and is in the shop, and was getting organized with daughter for HB riding lessons, which i promised in September, but could not match up with schedules.

Then of course, i realized that she does not go to away games UNLESS i can't make it, and I told son i couldn't make it because of car problems that hit last night. . . so when she heard that, she went to the game.

Anyway, son had to play an opponent that he lost to a couple weeks ago at home, now he is away and this was son's first loss, and he acted very poorly. Well, i emailed my thoughts for him about how to approach the kid mentally, and so X relates the match to me, sport is squash, the formal predecessor of racquetball.

3-5 games, first to 9, son gets smoked in first game. loses 9:4. Son then smokes the opponent 9:4 in the second game. . . wins next game 9:7, loses fourth game 3:9. . . . Now we come to the tie breaker game.

son get behind by 8:1, meaning that everytime the opponent serves, its match point. son finally figures out how to fake out the person with his body motion. . . get 5 straight points, psyches the kid out. . . get to tie breaker. . . tie breaker goes back and forth, and sone finally wins. . . .

my son and one other player on the team were the only two players to beat ANY of team members on the opponents team for the entire season. . . .

why the F!@#$%^ did my car have to break down last night?


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