Hi gang,

Well, yet another chapter in our life is about to start. Tomorrow morning, at about 8am, the movers are coming and my stbxH is moving his stuff out of the house. He's taking some of his grandmother's furniture, some china, his clothes, some kitchen gadgets he is fond of (like a breadmaker), 2 little TVs, a couch...you get the drift.

I feel a little mixed up about it. On the one hand, I feel a little sad that this divorce is really going to happen, and by moving his stuff out of the house it's all the more real. On the other hand, I feel a little excited because now I can decorate the way I like...save up and buy a couch that I like...and make the house my HOME. It will feel so much more like MY place and like I belong here when I get to have a say in how it looks and what I buy!

The kids are also feeling kinda of mixed up. On one hand they're mad at their dad for taking some of "their stuff" (you know, things that they are used to having around). I think they feel a little bit like he is not considering their feelings--and he really isn't, but then again, he never has. On the other hand, I was telling them that now they can come with me and help pick out a couch (for example) and that they get to have an opinion and a voice about their own home and what they like in it...like do they want a couch or maybe two recliners instead?? They were pretty excited about that idea--and now they are starting to grasp that they will be included in decisions and have a voice. That is pretty exciting (to them and to me).

So tomorrow's a big day. I'm a little sad and weird. For example, today I packed up Aunt S's seder plate because she was stbxH's aunt. Now I have no doubt that Aunt S would be ROLLING IN HER GRAVE if she knew about the affairs and now the divorce, and I also know that Aunt S loved me and I her. I always thought I'd be serving family seders on her plate and she'd be joining our Passovers that way (in spirit). I know that in reality it's just a plate, but it also meant more to me than just a plate and now it's not part of my life or my future seders anymore.

Silly huh?? But that's the way it goes. So many future things--hopes and dreams and whatnot--are undone. BUT...I also now have a future that is TOTALLY in my hands and at my disposal. I can make anything out of my present and future that I want, and while it's sad to say goodbye to what I "thought" was going to happen, it is exciting to say hello to my own new future.

Sooo....I'll check in tomorrow when the movers have left. Since it's my birthday weekend and all, maybe I'll treat myself to a Mocha Cappuccino while my D plays baseball. Oh, I don't know. Maybe I'll be happy...maybe I'll cry...and probably I'll do BOTH!! AARRGGHH.

CJ

FaithfulWife, I'm sorry. I know so well just how you feel - moving out and all that with kids not quite understanding everything that's happened. I was there 5 years ago with the same scenario.
You have a good attitude about it. Please know you are in my Prayers for you and your children.
May the Lord bless you.
PS - Thank you for your wonderful response to my Monty Python quotes in 'The Kingdom'
Harold

Hey CJ ---

I think the word is "FINALLY"...

Do I ever understand your plight!!! Your home is so comfy now --- but with your own choices and ideas it will be so much more comfy!

If you need any advice, suggestions, or ideas for decorating - just ask. I'm always thinking of ideas for decor ---

You will one day have the home of your dreams!!! It's just a matter of putting what you want into what you have.

Enjoy your Mocha Cappuccino!!!

I'm sipping a chocolate almond coffee (with real cream <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) I got some wonderful almond biscotti when I was coming home from Denver --- BIG jar at the office shop. It's absolutely wonderful!!!

Strange place to purchase gourmet foods - but it is luscious!!!

Anyway - enjoy your day... It's rainy here - and my yard always looks so green in the rain....

BTW - let me know when you get the pool ready!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I'll bring food for a party.

Jan

CJ,

I'm sorry your hurting, but I'm glad your able to look positively at the future..

I know the Seder plate is very special to you
but you can get another one, and start new traditions with you and your kids..but you can still remember Aunt S who gave it to you..

FW:

Yes it is wierd. And I am sorry also. You deserve the best mochacchino in the world. I need one too. Maybe a spiked one.

Just remember this was his doing...Or should I say undoing. And you are healthy and alone because he couldn't play by the rules. It is all right. You just breathe and breathe and pray through tomorrow. I cried but then I focused on what I wanted to do to the place. Good ideas you and the kids have.

You're loved and in our prayers ok?

{{{{{{{{CJ}}}}}}}}

All in all, you sound like you're doing great, under the circumstances. My STBX asked for 1/2 the Xmas decorations this year. I thought it would be traumatic, but it wasn't. And, I've actually enjoyed having the house to myself. Amazing, isn't it? We're actually surviving, even thriving... Life can only get better!

Have a good cry, have some fun, have a Mocha Cappucino - I like peachy's idea of spiking it! - and give yourself a pat on the back for being a strong woman and a great mom despite the hell you've been going through.

Well Guess What???

I managed to not only survive the day, but survive it with style and grace. Here it is, the end of the day, and I would have to look back on this day and say, "it was a good day" and furthermore, "I behaved like just the kind of person I want to be."

First, stbxH arrived at 7:30 a.m.!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Who does THAT on a Saturday morninging!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Anyway, I woke up (because I don't like it when he's in the house packing and I'm not at least "around"--it feels too much like he's snooping and taking stuff). So I brewed a pot of coffee and got dressed--helped him move a few things to the garage, which was where we piled his boxes of things. The movers came about 8 a.m. and promptly moved the few pieces of furniture and the stuff out of the garage--we were completely done by 9 a.m.!

At times I felt a little like he was a vulture, picking over stuff, grabbing this and that--it was as if all I was good for now was "things". But I realized that was just a voice in my head and not reality--well...maybe it's HIS reality but it's not mine! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Once the movers came, he was busy directing them and didn't bother me much, so I took the time right then and there to move stuff around/re-arrange so that the house didn't look so bare or spots didn't look "empty" when the kids woke up. Funny thing is, now that all his stuff is gone, the house feels big and the furniture is "just right--not too little, not too much." I did tear up a little one time, but I think I'm allowed--after all, I really did love the man. I think it's reasonable to cry a little.

By the time the kids woke up, the movers were gone, the stuff was gone, and things were re-arranged a little. They never even had to deal with it, and then, when they did wake up, they said, "Hey, mom--this looks nice!" YAY!

After the movers, my D had baseball practice RIGHT AWAY, so we got ready and took off for that. I stay at her practices usually--it's "my time" to read or write or whatever, so today I worked on finishing Step One for S-Anon. I'm writing my Step One Share, which is amazing. (FYI, my Step One was a booklet with 100 questions in it about how sex and intimacy and addiction were parts of my life in childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, and now.) I've learned so much about myself going through those 100 questions that I am finding it difficult to focus my Step One Share--but I'll get there.

After practice, we went home to pick up my S, and the 3 of us went to lunch at my new system site (it's running perfectly--of course!). And after that, the kids went birthday shopping for me, while I went shopping for myself a little bit--I got a new, summery outfit at Walmart with embroidered roses on it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> BTW, I gave the kids money and ideas for presents for me, I took them shopping, and I arranged for them to get me some presents. Yes, it felt mildly odd and selfish, but I knew that stbxH would not think to put all that together (i.e., get the kids money, arrange to take them shopping, etc.) AND I knew the kids would feel like heels and I would feel sad if I didn't get presents. It was weird, but in the end, they both got me stuff that, according to them, "You're gonna LOVE IT, Mom!"

After shopping all afternoon, I was TIRED (it was a long, rough week) so I decided to take a nap for as long as I wanted to. At first, my bones hurt a little because it was rainy here today, but within no time I drifted off and SLEPT! I didn't wake up until 8 p.m., and then I watched some TV with my D. At 10 p.m. I went grocery shopping for a few "extras" for tomorrow (yes, at 10 p.m.--no one is there and it's nice and quiet), and then I sat with my D and talked about her favorites (what's her favorite animal? best friend? candy? color? cuss word? etc.) It was FUN, and some of her answers surprised me!!

So see?? It wasn't such a bad day after all. I'm proud of myself. I think I did okay, and I'm satisfied with how I acted and reacted.

* * * * *

Now a few "personal" remarks:

Harold - Thank you for your prayers, and your welcome for the Monty Python responses. My kids and I just watched "Holy Grail" not too long ago, and my son also split a stitch. Of course, his favorite part was the Castle Anthrax.

SJ2 - If you have some decorating ideas/suggestions, now's the time babe! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I was thinking, as you were writing about Mocha Cappuccino, "Wouldn't that be a nice COLOR to have in the house??" I'm thinking about Mocha Cappuccino brown and Ivy green as my "accent colors" Okay--I have to confess I am kind of excited about bringing MY personal touches to the house. Oh, and our first pool party is usually right around Memorial Day--we throw a BLOCK PARTY!

TR - You know, it's a funny thing. As I looked around the house when we first started packing his things and putting the boxes in the garage, there really wasn't ANYTHING in the house that I couldn't part with--it was all just "stuff" and I could replace "stuff." I know so many people who fight over who gets the china and the couch--it's silly! For me, the value behind "stuff" is the memory or what it symbolizes--like the seder plate. In real life, you are so right...it is just a plate and I can get another and start my own traditions and remember Aunt S on my own. Really, the thing that was valuable to me was the way that particular plate reminded me of all the times we had seder and had Aunt S and Gramma E over because they were too old to cook the seder themselves anymore and we all just had the BEST family times! THAT is what I miss a bit--the loss of the family...and some of the symbols of memories. Luckily, memories remain--whether the "stuff" does or not!

Peachy - Boy, was your post right on. Thank you so much! First, I do remind myself over and over again that I literally did everything I could and then some for my marriage. I'm fairly proud of the way I behaved in the face of some pretty awful treatment, mental illness, and addiction! But I've learned through and through that one person can not make a marriage, and right now he chooses to embrace his sickness rather than to embrace his wife and children. It's sad, really. Second, thank you SO MUCH for telling me I'm loved. Yes, I know it in my head, but it's good to hear it out loud now and then.

And last but not least, LetSTry...my twinny. heehee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You know, it is amazing that we are not only surviving, we are thriving. I would have never GUESSED that I would thrive as much as I am! In many ways, I feel like I have been set free, and even though I have work to do on myself, even that seems...well, GOOD. I am constantly amazed to hear people say, "That sounds reasonable" or "Sounds like you have a good grip on things". What do you know?? All these years I've been told I'm unreasonable, irrational, and unrealistic--looks like maybe I'm okay after all! I thought I was!!!

Thanks everyone. Happy Easter!!

CJ

CJ- I know it was a relief for me after x finally got his things out of the house. He really took very little.

I meant to suggest, before the big event, that you get a friend to come over and be with you. It would decrease the likelihood that he would get ugly. I know I had someone. I got some 20-yo college boys I knew. I knew they could help him move anything. They knew me and not him and had some idea what I had been through. I was their 'adopted mom' while they were in college. And doofus would never have messed with me in front of them although he had been verbally abusive in front of female friends.

Anyway, I'm glad it's over.

Now, when are you going to come blow out the candles on your cake?

Chag sameach and happy birthday to you too.
As you write, so will you do.... you will redocorate your home YOUR way, and you will build new family rituals and memories.

I consider the past 4 years (not 40!) as my time in the desert...a transition as I move on to where I want to be...free of all enslavement to a controlling , passive aggressive and manipulative now X.

You ask for it --- lol

Family ROOM ---

Because you already have such a wonderful teal color scattered there --- take out the burgundy and add a soft mocha suede (tan) color in there. So - Spring!!! Some floor pillows in a soft mocha color - maybe a few more in teal and some ivory ones... Buy some plain fabric at the dollar section of the fabric shop (you can almost always find some delightful sheer fabrics there for a buck a yard) in mocha, teal, and ivory --- twist, drape, and knot them over those wonderful curtain rods in your family room. Behind the built in bench --- on the wall, hang a nice poster of Colorado mountains --- or a graphic modern of something off the wall with the right colors in it. Then below on the shelf (ends of the built in) put a basket for all the little stuff (something light - you may find something on sale with some color in it - after Easter) --- maybe a basket of ivey that will trail across the window sill.

On the other side - maybe a table and a couple of chairs (bistro style) for enjoying the morning paper and coffee - in the familyroom - while overlooking the pool. A big leaf plant in the corner --- with the rattan -- maybe a new rattan even?

On the shelves -- collections of vacation photos framed in saucy frames from the dollar store along with knick knacks and momentos. Intermingle them with the books and videos...

Add a clunky table to put your feet up on (yardsale perfect). And you've got a great family room.

Oh -- your photo wall --- add more photos with frames and make a collage type arrangement with some collectibles hanging with them -- maybe some poetry framed, some silk flowers over the top of a frame - or a shelf with a favorite statue on it centered in the photos.

On to the LIVING ROOM ---

Think cozy corner reading nook...

Maybe a chunky rolled arm chair and a big ottoman - Lots of big plants - tall ones and short ones - a big square table for books, a cup of tea, a pretty lamp, and some display space...

Add a basket of rocks somewhere in the living room - those smooth ones that you play with - because they sooth your ruffled nerves. A water something in there - fountain or bubble machine that makes water noises to sooth.

A nice loveseat for company --- some shelves for your favorite books, and some nice relaxing pictures on the wall... I think I would keep this room fairly neutral in color -- maybe cream furniture - with dark woods --- gauzy drapes at the window -- knot them over the rods maybe intertwine some ivey, some splintery driftwood - to keep with the natural theme of things...

I really like the door out to the pool from the living room... nice nautical ideas there - you might start collecting lighthouses or sailboats to add to that room.

So - there's my best shot!!! If you see anything you like - I can always add more to it... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Jan

Oh --- simple swags over the windows --- about five yards, knots and drapes most windows in style --- to save you can always split the fabric the length of it --- and hem the raw edges. Just try rolling and knotting it, drape and tangle two or three color lengths until you get the look you want. you want to try for a soft unplanned look - nothing too DECORATED looking.

For the patio doors - you'll need about 15 yards of length --- but there will be NO curtain hanging (if you want a curtain - verticle blinds work well).

whew --- I do love to decorate!!!

WHOA!! Jan! You da woman!

I love some of your ideas! In fact, I was thinking some very similar things. In the family room the color I was thinking of was CAMEL, burgundy and green/teal (versus a blue/teal). I love (love, LOVE) the idea of Colorado scenery on the walls, and guess what? Hidden in that little storage area behind the entertainment wall, guess what I have? FRAMED PHOTOS of mountains that I took and that my friends took...mountains that MEAN something to us! YAY!! Some are "black and white" photos and some are very COLORFUL Colorado-but I can do a mountain theme in there a bit. And it'll be Columbine photos and columbine plants in Spring and Summer--and winter/snow photos in winter and fall! YAY!!

On the bookshelf (thankfully) he didn't take too many books, but I love your idea about vacation photos in unique frames. That will be my "garage sale" hobby...finding interesting frames. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And they will look perfect on different shelves, kind of spread out. BTW, the new rattan?? Yep. We already concluded the same thing. Also, I LOVE the clunky coffee table idea (to put your feet up). We NEED something like that! I think I might get the most chunky/clunky table and paint it or finish it some cool, artsy way (like collaging columbines onto it or something).

The living room is a little harder for me to picture. The furniture we have left is the longer couch (with the recliners), the low wooden tables, the tall lamp, and a rug that is (get this) teal and burgundy and tan with ivory. Yep. Those are DEFINITELY the house colors, huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Anyway, I'm not a great "plant" person, but I thought one of those tall, willowy looking plants would make it seem like there were plants without actually having too many (haha). I like the big coffee table again--but this time, I think I'll lay books out on it and one small fountain. Then, on the wall by the dining room table (where he took the hutch) I think I'll add a BOOKSHELF! Oh, I'd hardly be me without a bookshelf, would it?? THAT bookshelf with have the family photos on it, in pretty light wood frames.

In the kitchen, above the cabinets I'm thinking of adding light "wallpaper" edging and changing the handles and hardware to something lighter--don't think I can change the cabinets right now, and my son LIKES the wood and doesn't want to paint them. Maybe we could restain them???

UPSTAIRS--oh, you missed UPSTAIRS. I brought all my "marriage books" downstairs and filled my shelves upstairs with my teddy bear collection and candles. Oh, it is BLISS up there. I have room to add a chair, and THAT'S where I was thinking of the big, rolled-arm chair and ottoman--so I could wake up on weekends or at night and curl up with a good book by the fireplace! WAHOO!!! On the balconey off my door there, I thought a nice patio chair, table and flowering plant would be fun...with some wind chimes.

Oh, chick, I'm getting there!! YAY...how fun!!

CJ

Love the columbine idea!!! Photos of columbines are so artsy ---

Black and white photos look great in a line up - like a vertical display on the wall behind your rattan!

Oh - the plant thing --- they have some great 'silks' out there - search until you find what you like. I mix silks in with my live plants to fill in the holes and add colors. Most people don't realize any of them are silks. TIP: Michael's and Hobby Lobby have great selections of silks and baskets.

Painting the clunky table in your family room is a great idea --- and adding a collage of family photos (print reprints off your computer - and keep the originals in an album on the table) add in an arrangement of columbines, a few mountain scenes, and some snaps of you and the kids in the mountains - along with some carved in wood graffiti and you've got a keepsake table for passing down. Use some of that pour over laminator to protect and surface the top of the table after all of your collage stuff is in place. It leaves about a quarter inch surface of clear plastic like coating.

Garden statuary in the house - is a great way to add depth --- I have angels in my kitchen - with bird houses and ivy.

New handles in the kitchen - and maybe a new border would be a great change --- soft ---
use the gray color like your tiles - and that teal accent...

I love the green teal change!!!

That will be awesome!!!

Love the bookcase in the dining room idea --- family photos displayed there would be awesome. Add in some collector items and maybe some displayed dishes --- I have a collection of plates from the 50's... Or buy some clear glass plates and attach photos to the back of them - directions are on the net someplace --- and a pretty fabric over the back of the photo to frame it.

Oh - if you don't want to add plants to balance out your decor --- some flowers - either fresh or silk would be a nice addition...

I buy a fresh bouquet once a week at the grocery - in time for Sunday dinner - just because it makes me feel special!!! Put them in a big pitcher on the table and keep a cloth on the table --- it just makes me feel nice!!!

BTW - Hobby Lobby had some wonderful silk columbines when I was in there last week... Great selection of colors - I got blue and violet ones for my bedroom.

Okay - I have to accomplish something today... LOL

Later,

Jan

{{{CJ}}}

Meant to write a reply sooner but didn't get a chance to. I'm glad it went so well for you and the kids! It is wonderful to get rid of "their" stuff and move on by getting the house done the way you want to. (I just have an ex that for some reason always feels that he needs more... the latest was magazines and some fish tank stuff)

As far as pictures of neat things (some from King Arthur memoriabilia, and even the castle used in the Holy Grail) go see my friends website http://www.mythandlegends.net I just got several of her photos and they come beautifully matted. I then went to Aaron Brothers and got frames as they have hundreds of premade frames in all sorts of styles that generally aren't too expensive. My living room and hallway have some great pics now, and all are some sort of conversation piece. Like Loch Ness and the castle ruins, King Arthur's era of Glastonberry and the Lady Cathedral, the great Callandish Stones (similar to Stonehenge)in twilight. Must say I love my walls, I don't have to look at Navy memoriabilia any more!

Love the ideas you and Jan have for the house! Have a wonderful time exploring what it is you want to do with everything. It is your time to find your authentic self. Yes, I have Sara Ban Breathnach's book, Finding Your Authentic Self <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Lori <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />