If anyone is out there that can give me some support and some questions answered, I would feel better.

I had an affair with the Benifits and Health Specialist at work that ended last month with my being fired, another male Supervisor asked to leave and the woman....just a written warning.

The affair lasted three months and during that time, my wife remained in Illinois while I worked in Texas. My wife knew about the affair since January and hired a private detective. She has pictures and everything else that goes with it.

When the affair ended and I was fired, my wife made a committment that she wanted to keep the marraige/save it. However, the brutal truth is that I now realize just how unhappy I was during the marriage and now there might be no turning back.

As the one that had the affair, do I, if I proceed with filing divorce, have any rights. What about my children??? What type of emotional damage are they going to have without a Dad?? How often can I visit???

There is no turning back what happened with the affair. It's just that BECAUSE of the affair, I realized that my wife no longer makes me feel special and we really have very little in common.

I hope the affair has not left me in a "fantasy position". In other words, the other woman said and did things so right that I felt so important again.

Marriage counciling has not worked.

Will I see my children???

I have been reading your Posts Randy and you do not come across as someone who is remorseful. You should of thought about your children before you acted in that manner.

That is the lamest excuse ever "she made me feel important" Please dude spare me.

Carl

<small>[ April 30, 2003, 08:10 AM: Message edited by: Carl ]</small>

RANDYRAIL:

--I had an affair with the Benifits and Health Specialist at work that ended last month with my being fired, another male Supervisor asked to leave and the woman....just a written warning.--

TR- I'm sorry you felt this was the choice to make
and that you lost your job over it..

--The affair lasted three months and during that time, my wife remained in Illinois while I worked in Texas. My wife knew about the affair since January and hired a private detective. She has pictures and everything else that goes with it.--

TR- So why were you in Texas, and your wife in Illinois? Was this your choice? or a mutual decision? Were their plans for her to join you or for you to go there?

--When the affair ended and I was fired, my wife made a committment that she wanted to keep the marraige/save it. However, the brutal truth is that I now realize just how unhappy I was during the marriage and now there might be no turning back.---

TR- Were you fired because of the affair? Or because of other reasons and the affair ended because you were no longer working together?

And why do you feel you weren't happy in your marriage? Was it because you two lived in different states? And why was that a choice that was made, to live in different places? Was the job more important than your family?

And why do you feel adament about ending your marriage?

--As the one that had the affair, do I, if I proceed with filing divorce, have any rights. What about my children??? What type of emotional damage are they going to have without a Dad?? How often can I visit???--

TR- Why don't you feel your marriage could improve? I don't know, what about your children?

Did you think about them when you left to take the job in Texas and how it would effect them with you being gone? Or did you not take their feelings into account from the beginning and just do what you wanted??

How have THEY been emotionally effected the past months or however long you've been gone thus far?


There is no turning back what happened with the affair. It's just that BECAUSE of the affair, I realized that my wife no longer makes me feel special and we really have very little in common.

TR- Your right, there is no turning back to the way things were before the affair and she probably doesn't want things to be that way either, but what about taking what you've learned from the affair, and work on improving those areas in your marriage? And try to make it BETTER than it was??

--I hope the affair has not left me in a "fantasy position". In other words, the other woman said and did things so right that I felt so important again.--

TR- In many ways, you are left in a fantasy position, your fanatasy's are that things would have been different w/ OW than they can be with your wife..from what you are saying, you don't trust your wife can really change..and your not wanting to give her a chance..so why not move back home and work on things together..and try to make changes and grow together to have a better marriage??

--Marriage counciling has not worked.--

TR- Have you really given marriage counseling a chance? Is it requiring you to look within yourself to see where you have also made the situation your in? Because if it wasn't..then your right..it wouldn't work..you need to look within yourself..and see where YOU can make changes to improve your marriage...your wife can not make it work on her own..

A marriage consists of two sinners working together to help each other grow--knocking off the rough edges of each other--growing together as one..and the only way you can grow is if you look at those areas and allow yourself to learn and grow from them..and make changes within yourself..

--Will I see my children???--

TR- that is totally up to you...how often would work come before your kids? How often would you make time to see them? How often would you place other people before them? Like was asked before..
did you consider this before you went to Texas about how often you would see your children??? Or if you would see them?? Only you can answer that--
we can't answer that question for you..

I accepted the position in McAllen while my family remained in Illinois. The goal was to have my family eventually move down but due to financial issues, they could not move down until this December.

While living on my own in McAllen, I guess you can say that I started living a life of being a bachelor. It did not happen over night!!! The affair began after my fourth month.

I was fired as a direct result of the affair ending. Actually, I was terminated for violating company e-mail policy. The other woman had begun a new affair with another married man that was a supervisor for the temp company. He was never doing anything at night, except in her office. So I started an inmature e-mail to the staff regarding the fact that he was always in her office.

How ironic in the long run. He was going to be asked to leave without my involvement anyway. Two other Managers had complained.

I would like to know what mental damage will be done to my children if I chose a divorce.

RANDYRAIL:

--I would like to know what mental damage will be done to my children if I chose a divorce.--

TR- they will struggle with abandonment issues..
they will struggle with the fact that dad left them..not just mom..but them..yes, you are divorcing their mother...but your leaving them behind also..

it will effect your relationship with them..

because you won't be there every day and you won't talk to them every day..

Randy - in general, the unfaithful spouse is not punished for that in property settlement, support payments, or custody/visitation. The court rarely cares about adultery. It's mostly by formula and guideline.

The kids will definitely be hurt; but the degree depends on many things, including how you handle it. You would have to re-order your priorities to minimize this damage. If you are actually interested, start by reading "What About the Kids?", just published, by Judith Wallerstein.

Divorce will have serious and lasting financial consequences on you, and you will probably see your kids less than you do now. If your wife is willing, you are better off making a real serious effort to make this work. That means giving it a chance of several months, and not seeing other women during that time.

You mentioned the "fantasy position" in your first post, and that is absolutely right. Your girlfriend did not handle the gritty nuts-and-bolts of a relationship with you, it was all gravy. Possibly she moved on after a few months because the thrill had worn off with you, and she needed to begin a new romantic high, and that's her pattern. It might become your pattern, too, unless you decide to change it.

should also note that you will have to deal with your wife after a divorce if you want to continue to have a relationship with your kids. Any new woman in your life will have to deal with not being the real mother and your negotiations with their mom. Most women with a good head on their shoulders won't be involved with a man who has a bad working relationship with the ex.

The man I'm dating now divorced the mother of his children after she had an affair. She wanted to work on the marriage, but at the time, he said he didn't feel right "staying together for the kids". He now says that is one of the biggest regrets he has in his whole life. He was divorced about 10 yrs ago, and tears still welled up in his eyes when he told me.

The thinking back then was that kids will adjust, however, we are finding out more and more that they don't. Children of divorce have a much harder time establishing long-lasting relationships later in life, among other problems. The only time kids are better off after a divorce is when abuse existed in the family. That's it. Kids don't care if their parents are "in love" or if their parents are having all of their emotional needs met. The most important thing for healthy development is stability--which is the antithesis of divorce.

You chose to be a parent, with all that goes along with it. You may be able to talk yourself into believing that they will be ok. Don't kid yourself into thinking that if you are happy, your kids will be happy for you--at their expense. It doesn't work that way.

RANDYRAIL,

You wrote in your original post: "I hope the affair has not left me in a 'fantasy position'. In other words, the other woman said and did things so right that I felt so important again."

I'd like to ask you to think about something. You and your wife had "children"--and I take that to mean more than two kids. You accepted a position in another state and left your wife in the old house...alone...with two or more children. She had to run day-to-day life without you (getting kids to school, work, homework, dinner, bills) as well as tying up loose ends like selling the house, preparing to move, etc. Is that kind of it in a nutshell??

And over the years, you worked hard and gradually stopped being romantic and attentive to her--slowly stopped talking to her and treating her like your best, favorite friend. At the same time, she gradually and slowly gained some weight or got a few wrinkles--stopped doing the fun stuff with you because she was busy being a mommy--and sex dwindled down. She became demanding and kept yelling at you to come home, but home was no fun. Right??

Now, Randyrail, think about this. You spend every single possible waking moment focusing on your OW. You TALKED to her like she was your best, favorite friend. You were interested in her and a little romantic. You wrote her smooshy emails...sent her e-cards...told her she turned you on..put hugs and kisses in your letters. You HELPED her and when she was sad or upset or lonely, you were THERE for her to support her and encourage her. If she was hurt, you listened as if she was important to you. You left her little secret love notes, or hershey kisses at her desk, or other little lovey things. You opened up to her and told her how you felt and when you were sad or hurt or happy.

Randyrail--look over that paragraph above. Don't you think your wife would act in a WHOLE DIFFERENT WAY if you treated HER like you treated your OW?? If you acted like that toward your wife?? Of course your OW made you feel important...you acted toward her as if she was important to YOU!

And while your imagining, what would your OW act like if you stopped being romantic with her...stopped sending her love notes and hershey kisses...and in fact, stopped talking to her altogether. How would your OW act if you barely acknowledged her presence in the morning as you rushed off to work--didn't talk to her, call her or email her all day and all night long--came home to her at night grouchy--slumped in front of the TV--and yelled, "What's for dinner?" Would your OW start to be demanding or yell if you left her in another state with two or more children by herself? What if you didn't pay any attention to her. Would she do her best to always look pretty to you and be available for sex any time if she saw you in your boxers and torn t-shirt after throwing up--or had to put up with your farting and lame jokes afterward?? What if she was doing your laundry, dishes, and housework and then you'd come home and plop in front of the TV and yell at her because the kids were loud and you needed to unwind from work? Would she make you feel important if you called her names, left her lonely, made her pay the bills all by herself, and then came home to her and said you had found another woman?? Would your OW tell you that she loved you enough that she would still want you even after you touched another person??

Your wife did.

CJ

I think your response is very accurate and in all honesty, it is the truth. While away and at work, the affair included exactly what you mentioned, e-mails, some cards and excitment. I was with someone that I thought cared.

My wife was 2000 miles away taking care of a house and two children. While I was out with the sl$&*%t, my wife was at home trying to calm two kids down. While I was out, she was trying to clean the house.

My question I need to ask you before I file for divorce is......how do you get the magical spark back???? Where did it go???? Did we just stop trying?????

I went to see an attorney this afternoon and I really do not know where to go from here. Part of me is saying "You love her!!" and another part is saying, "You grew apart".

Trouble is, my wife still loves me.

No, trouble is you don't understand what love is. You don't feel love (at least not the kind you need in a M). You decide to love. Didn't you understand that when you said your Marriage Vows? "Better or Worse, Richer or Poorer, Sickness and Health; til death do you part." That's love.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My question I need to ask you before I file for divorce is......how do you get the magical spark back???? Where did it go???? Did we just stop trying?????</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There are plenty of things to read at this site to help you get the magical spark back. One was in one of the responses you got. Reread Faithfulwife's post to you. Then read it again. And again if you have to. Your answers are right there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I went to see an attorney this afternoon and I really do not know where to go from here. Part of me is saying "You love her!!" and another part is saying, "You grew apart".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't grow apart. You let stuff get in the way. You stopped dating each other and pursuing each other.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trouble is, my wife still loves me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Randy, if I did the things you did and found out that my W still loved me, I'd turn around find out what I needed to do to keep that woman and do it. No matter how hard it would be. I'd learn to do the things that would make her happy and do them until it became second nature to me. And then I'd find new things to make her happy and surprise her with them.

You don't need to divorce youdon't even want to. So don't. Work on fixing what you have.

S&C

Randy,
I read your post. Although I do not approve of the affair. I do respect your honesty.
Alot of WS try not to put the blame on themselves rather it is easier to put blame on the spouse saying they drove you to do it. I do read in your post that you are holding yourself responsable.

As far as the OW she should not even be a consideration to you at this point as it seems that she has moved on to another married man. This should tell you something.

As far as the children I do agree they will be hurt to the extent that you let it. If divorce is iminent then you need to have them as first priorty. Be sure to tell them often you love them. And make the time for them this should not be a chore..

Where did it go wrong where is the magical spark.
If you are feeling this way then it seems you want to do something about it. Try dating again. It is not the same as when you first met but try going on a date. Learning about eachother. Something brought the two of you together. There could be love and life after an affair, this is the time you need to work on the you. Think about things that you do not like about yourself and work on the you. I think your wife is very strong and caring if she is willing to forgive. Therfore I think you owe it to her, yourself and your children to give it a chance.

Most times the grass ain't greener on the other side....

Try it see how it goes. This will not change overnight or by its self..

I wish you luck.. Keep me posted.

Hi RandyR! I have not been posting that much on Threads other than 'The Kingdom Of Caerlon' but I wanted to toss in my $.02 worth here - from past experience:
Sit down with your wife and talk. Just talk. Listen to her. She's had her world smashed to bits and therefore is going to hurt. Things like this do not heal overnight - sometimes it takes months and years for a Betrayed Spouse to get over the pain. Have you read any of Dr. Harley's excellent articles on this site - they're very well written and are right-on the target. Your wife loves you - that is hope right there for your Marriage. Please don't give up on you, her, and your children. Get in counseling with her, preferably at a good church and get this hurt, anger, pain, rage and bitterness out, both of you. You have got to 'get busy living or get busy dying' and your Marriage is worth saving.
Please give it a chance - give your wife and kids a chance!
Harold

SAC & FW are right on it, man. Listen to them, they have wisdom beyond their years - excellent advice! They brought up stuff I never thought of, and I like to think of myself as a 'logical thinker' but they really hit the nail on the head here. If only peeps who get into Affairs would think of these things BEFORE deciding to embark on a 'O we're just friends, etc.' friendship!
Hope you and your Wife can get thru this, RR.
Love is not just a smooshey gooey feeling - it is being there thru thick and thin, well or sick ,rich or poor - your basic Wedding Vows. So many folks just rush thru their Vows and then on with living day-to-day. Your Wedding Vows do not say you can end the Marriage just because you don't feel in love anymore - it talks about cherishing, loving and honouring and FORSAKING ALL OTHERS. Give you and her another chance, RR.
Harold