Hi, and thanks for reading this.

I am looking for some help...I am a long-time MB reader/poster. I was married for 20 years, divorced a few years ago and have three kids, two teens at home. I met a wonderful man after I was seperated only 8 mos...we are still together.

I'll try to keep this short, but whew...what a mess.

The problem is my teenagers. Now, I know anyone with teens or that has ever had teens have gone through some sort of problems. Mine have become monsters. They both say the way the act is a result of a divorce they did not see coming. Their dad is engaged to a co-worker of his they have known all of their lives. The split was very sudden, no fighting...he was just gone one day. Their lives fell apart that day. He has regular visitation and sometimes they go/sometimes they won't. They love their dad very much, but him leaving and moving in with OW, then me suddenly finding someone and him moving in a year later has been rough.

My children are both failing at school...while never scholars, they have never done this badly. My son has done horrible things at school...used the worst language, bullied, flipped off a teacher.

My problem is, that over the years of marriage, I had the role of the nurturer, the mom. I rarely raised my voice to the kids, and because I was a housewife, I rarely made them do much around the house. Well, the rules have changed, and I have had to change. It's so against my nature to discipline and stick to it...not let the kids cajole and whine and be horrid to me until they get what they want. I am really sucking at this.

I have decided that I will have to leave my job, or at least go part-time and sale my house so I can be with my 15yo son all the time. If I'm not home he just leaves for hours on end and I have no idea where he is...he does this while he's grounded. My boyfriend thinks I am putting too much effort into making him happy, and not enough effort into raising the kids right, so after I sell the house he and I are not going to live together anymore. He wants to stay "together", but live apart so I can help my kids get it together.

This feels alot like being left again to me. I am so sad that he won't be living with us.

This is such a hard, hard time. Are there any other single moms or dads out there that had to learn to be tough? Did you try a relationship, only to have the kids get in the way? Do you think it's best for my boyfriend and I to live seperately until the kids get it together?

My boyfriend and I have discussed this to death and he suggested I write in and ask. I really hope to hear from other single moms or dads. This is WAY WAY rougher that I would have thought. And I know I should have waited longer to get involved with someone, but I didn't and I wasn't healed...but we do love each other very much.

Ok..I'll stop now. Hope you can help, or maybe share some of your experiences.

I understand your dilemma and I can sympathize with what your going through. I have 8 children and they are all in their own way just doing things to test the waters to see if mom will leave to. First and foremost your children are first, the boyfriend comes after them. The comment that "you are putting too much effort into making him happy", your suppose to he is your son. I don't know the whole story or situation as far as the boyfriend is concerned but it sounds like he feels your children are in his way, I may be way out of line but like I said I don't know the whole story so please don't think I am being harsh. Another thing you said was

"Did you try a relationship, only to have the kids get in the way? Do you think it's best for my boyfriend and I to live seperately until the kids get it together?"

I have not yet been in a relationship with anyone else since my husband left me, but for one they would never be in the way because they would come first and foremost before any boyfriend. As far as living separately from your boyfriend, this is my opinion others may think differently. He needs to go so that you and your children can heal from the trauma that has happened in your lives, it doesn't sound like any of you had the time to grieve.

I can only imagine how you are feeling with a boyfriend in the midst, but I know with my kids they have acted the same way, and they are up and down all the time, they are going through the same pain, maybe even a little worse because when we say our spouses are part of us they really aren't. As far as the children they literally are???????

I hope you get the help you need from the forum or family counseling.....with kids its a long road but you will make it, and you will make mistakes along the way but then you wouldn't be human if you didn't. Know what's in your heart, and put it in God's hands he will give you the answers......

Take care, good luck and God Bless

mommax8

Oh god, you are right...it's the same thing he (b/f) is saying...that I am concentrating too much on him and my kids are not getting the time and attention they need. I have always been a good mom, and I re-read my post and I sound horrible. Please know that they are not "in the way" for me...I love them and have been very dedicated. I just never realized that I could not have a relationship and try to raise my children too. I really can't and it breaks my heart.

Momma...I know you probably get asked this a lot, but how on earth are you doing this with eight of them? Are they all at home? Do you work outside of the home? Are they going through a lot of turmoil since their dad left? Are they getting in trouble at school?

Sorry to lambast you with all of this, I just really need some advice.

az,

email whenifindthetime@yahoo.com

common problem here

I do it by the grace of God, I have 8 great kids but they are acting out too. Their hearts were torn apart just as ours, and please don't think that I was implying you are a horrible mother because I am not walking in your shoes and would never judge decisions anyone make. We all do the best we can in life. I work full-time and take care of 8 children with no child support but what the state gives me for his disability $339 for 8 kids just don't cut it. I may have more children than most on this post but our problems are the same and our hearts ache the same. We are trying to make decisions and our hearts are so troubled and we just don't know what end is up.

Friends of mine want to take me out tonight to just dance and laugh and I am scared to death kids think I should go, I feel its wrong. I don't intend to go out and party just spend time with my friends but I feel like a horrible person because I know if my stbxh thought I was going out for one moment he would tell me its inappropriate. What I am getting at the decision for me to go or not go I really won't know if it was right or wrong, I just have to do what I feel is best at the time.

I suggest you sit down with the kids without the boyfriend around and just ask them you might be surprised with what they say. Take a weekend trip just you and the kids no boyfriend, make them feel that they are and will always be first and foremost in their life. They may feel that the boyfriend signifies the OW that took their dad away from them, this guy will take you away from them.....we have no idea what they are feeling they are hurting badly and they need you the most right now.

Hi AZ,

I just thought I would post and give you a lttle insight to what I'm experiencing in my relationship with my G/F at this point in time... so you know that your not alone on this one.

I have three kids, and my G/F does as well. All of them are in there teens except my OS, who is in his early twenties.

We now have only two children each, living in our own seperate households.

We have been dating each other for aproximately 8 months. We don't live together, we started dating shortly after our divorces were final.

During this time we have had discussions as far as marriage is concerned. She wants to get married now, and I want to wait and see how everything plays out.

One of the things that I am waiting on has to do with our kids.

My kids say that they are O.K. with the idea of marriage again, and hers have mixed emotions about us getting married here in the near future.

All of our kids on my side and her side are really pretty good kids. They have had their moments... and yes their grades slipped during our divorces and they tested the waters big time.
But as time has been going on... things are starting to settle down and it's looking better.

IMHO, I think that if we were to get married right now... all hell would probably break loose between both of our kids, and it would be an uphill battle with not much of a chance for success of marriage.

I believe this is due to the fact that the children need time to heal, such as we do. Putting them in that type of a situation at least on my end would be too much for them and probably myself and my G/f... due to all of the sudden and drastic changes that we all have already been through

Hence, I keep it right where it is... strictly dating.

As time goes on and the healing process has been given an ample amount of time for all... then and only then, will I entertain the thought of "M".

There is a saying that I like to use... "Old age doesn't make you old... kids make you old".

IMHO. kids can, and do make you feel old... if and when their life is not going the way the want it to. They can really work you if you let them.

It sounds like this is what may be happening on your end... and your children are acting the way they are out of probably frustration, anger, sadness, etc., because life as they know it... is not what they want or expect at this point in their life.

Here is my .02 cents worth on this.

I would try to get your children into see an IC if you can. Let them share their hurt and their pain with a professional... they need an outlet, and by the sounds of it, they are using one, but not in a constructive way.

As far as you and your B/F not living together.

IMHO, I wouldn't look at it from the standpoint that your losing your relationship or that you might lose the relationship because your not living together.

If you can better your relationship with your B/F, give the attention to your children that they need and deserve while you are living seperately from your B/F, then it could come out a win situation for everyone... if given enough time.

Your kids come first, no matter what. Give them their time to heal. Give yourself some time to heal as well.

If your B/F thinks your kids are taking up too much of your time for whatever reason... he needs to relax a little bit... and this may be his way of doing it... by living in different households until things settle down.

If he truly loves you, you won't lose your relationship with him. If you do... then your probably better off knowing it now, and not later.

Well that's my .02 cents worth.

I know how you feel, and I hope everything works itself in a positive direction for all of you.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Thank you all so very much. As when I first found MB it helps a lot just to know I'm not alone. I just want you to know that b/f is the one saying I'm not dedicating enough time helping the kids...he's not saying I'm not giving him enough attention, he says he thinks he gets in the way.

Who knows, maybe he just wants out.

I've taken my kids to three different counselors, and because they won't open up it has not done any good. The last one just sort of told them they needed to start doing their own laundry. He was a sweet man, but we all "looked" ok, so he just didn't delve. I think I'm the only person that knows how messed up they are.

Mommax8...I know you probably hate this, but man, you are really special. I can't imagine having that many people depending on me. I hope you have fun if you go out tonight, but I know when it was early for me (after the seperation) just seeing a couple dancing or something would send me over the edge and I'd be outside crying.

Wallace...My b/f and I do wish we wouldn't have moved in together. His kids are grown and gone and the troubles with mine are daily right now. It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to the kids to have my attention divided. Congratulate yourself on standing your ground. If anyone should know, we here at MB should, that marriage, or even living together is too important to go into lightly.

Wiftty...I will e-mail you. thanks

Thanks to you all...you know, we don't discuss what our kids are going through here at MB very much, and I really wish we could help each other a little more in this area. It's been a huge problem for me to know how to help them, and maybe sharing some tips would help.

<small>[ May 02, 2003, 04:17 PM: Message edited by: az allison ]</small>

Az

my daughter is starting to have problems because OM and his three daughters spend all X's weekends at her house, thereby, from my daughter's point of view, she can't ask her mom for her friends to sleep over. My son has a place to stay away from the house on X's weekends, and my X has to make our son come to sunday dinner because he does not want to be around the OM and three young girls.

however, only after my daughter has made a scene with ME did she come clean about her mom. SO, my point is, sometimes their internal conflicts might be about you, and sometimes might not be.

Now, I have a GF that visits with them around about once every 6 months, but otherwise, I am the only parent that goes to ALL the sports events, and all the recreational events. I support every activity which they do NOT just in words, but in body and action.

plus, i don't just support their decisions to quit, etc, but talk them through the WHYs of the situation, etc.

so, they are rebelling for attention, since even negative attention. my son showed it on one day last year, when he and my GF were here, and i asked him to play a board game. . . all of us as a family, and he went bonkers. . . I handled it correctly in the beginning, but he continued, refused to cooperate, and i got angry with him. Not until later did i realize what was going on. However, at times like this, when i have asked him what is going on,

Last summer, my two kids, and my GF and her two kids took a two week RV trip together. I sat them down and explained that we are NOT getting married, that she is a friend ONLY, and we need to learn to be respectful of the other family, they were. I went to them to ask them waht was going on, and they complained about the other family. I told them i would talk with the other family, and the parents decided to spend family time away from each other to regenerate energy and love together.

that made a big difference in my kids, they know that they aren't getting substituted like you have substituted spouses. . . .

I would also make them go with a counselor that you have met with and you ask the counselor how he will handle them. Basically, you want someone who will NOT force them to listen, but to learn to befriend them. . . and sometimes even take it out of the office. . . but the conselor has to agree to figure out how to be patient, and to draw them out. I am tough on my kids, meaning, that i dont' give them stuff out of guilt, or to bribe them, or let them think that they rule the house.

also, think about outward bound camps, where they get to interact alone and depend upon themselves, etc. . . .

anyway, if you want to chat, you have my email.

wiftty

<small>[ May 03, 2003, 08:05 AM: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</small>

Az,

I too would suggest another counselor..

I do have some questions though..

When your b/f moved in did he take over in discipline? and getting onto the kids about what he thinks they "should" do around the house now?

I understand your kids are struggling with the fact that dad left them..and replaced them with a new family...so they may be feeling that you are trying to 'replace' them too with this new man in your life..or trying to replace 'dad'

It may be they are acting up in school thinking "if they act up enough dad will come back" --

If they don't like OM living there respect that..
it doesn't mean you and OM can't continue to date each other..they just aren't ready to have him live with them..and that is okay..

there are some really good books on Step-parenting
you can look into, maybe they could help you and your b/f look at things in a different perspective..