Since there's been a few "moving on and dating again" threads here lately, I thought I'd ask for advice on something that's been bugging me lately.

Over the past year or so, I've become friends with a co-worker. We're both about the same age, both pretty jaded regarding dating and relationships, and we've been hanging out and doing things together (movies, mostly) because of our mutual lack of dating success.

Last week, another co-worker said "so, what's up with you and K? Are you dating?" I said no, but their response was "well, you sure make a cute couple."

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

This weekend, I declined an offer from another friend to go to the movies so that I could go to the same movie with her. His response? "So, is there something going on between you and K?" I said "no, we're just friends" to which he replied "well, most good relationships start out as friendships!"

I said that I thought she wasn't interested in me as anything more than a friend, and he asked "so, how do you KNOW that?"

I honestly didn't have a good enough answer.

I don't know if she thinks of me in "that way" and the subject hasn't come up.

I also must admit that I DO find her attractive, and that I wouldn't mind being more than just friends. The fact that we work together is not a big issue, since we work for different divisions of the company.

Problem is, I'm afraid of losing the one really good platonic female friend I have if I were to "make a move" on her. I'm afraid that our friendship is based upon the very fact that she trusts me because I haven't tried to get into her pants (they're very, very nice pants, btw), and I might break that trust by stating my feelings for her.

In other words, I don't know how to break out of the "friend zone."

Is that pathetic, or what?

Thoughts?

I have been in that situation before and I decided at that point in my life, I needed a good friend more than I needed someone to date. I figured if it was meant to be, it was meant to be, and I wouldn't ruin our friendship by putting something different on the table. He brought it up at a later date, and while we've gone back and forth, I think our friendship is worth a lot and isn't worth risking. But don't think we didn't consider the whole Seinfeld episode where Jerry and Elaine try to make some rules so that they can hook up but still stay friends. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Good luck, and sorry I don't have more fabulous advice for you.

Hey cjack,
As a woman I guess I would say that to have a trusted friendship would mean a lot to me and i suppose that it wouldn't hurt to know that you found me attractive without making any moves on me. If I wanted things to move to another level I might start getting just a hint of flirtatious. So I would say to you until you get a cue from her, stay appreciative and complimentary of her qualities yet remain a gentleman and it may pay off for you with her wanting things to move to a new level.

Hmm. I have twice been in a situation where I expressed a deeper interest than friendship to a woman who did not want anything more. In neither case did our friendship seem to be affected.

In both cases, I tried to make it clear that my deeper interest didn't mean that I valued our friendship any less for what it was, that I was more concerned with what was best for her than with following through on my feelings, and that I didn't want to pressure her. Maybe that made a difference.

Or maybe not. Both of these women were pretty independent in their outlook.

Now if I were "K" I think I'd like you to be straight-up with me. I'd like you to tell me what you've wrote here and how you feel, i.e., your apprehension about losing her as your friend AND her possible reaction to a romantic intimate relationship.

Any female likes being told, even by a male "friend" that they are seen as attractive. So you have nothing to lose there IMHO.

I've always been a black and white girlie, CJack ... and if a male likes me in terms of more than a friend, I would like him to tell me so. Plain and simple. Then "I" can decide what, if anything, we can do about it.

Now that's just me, but I tend to believe most females that have experienced betrayal would appreciate openess and honesty from their friends, esp male ones. Even if it's to say "I like you more than a friend, can we explore that?" <pls don't use my words, they are addhoc, I know you have great words of your own>.

Hope I helped a little.

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ July 16, 2003, 12:07 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

cjack,

Slowly...that is how you break out of the friend mode without breaking trust.

You have to be more touchy little by little as your friendship grows but not pushy.

To me you get your feet wet a little at a time and walk slowly into the deep water. So, as I said, start with simple touches like while you are talking put your hand on her arm and then take it away. Often she'll either back away or be receptive. Her responses will tell you where and how far you can go. I don't know if you guys already touch each others arms and legs briefly so if you do go a step beyond that by casually putting your hand on her hand and then taking it away so forth...if she responds well, then little by little keep your hand there longer...

Mainly just go slow and if she's receptive, she'll let you know.

It's subtlety; that is the most important thing this way if she doesn't like your touches right away by the boundaries she sits with body language then you'll know and you can stop and at the same time you won't lose anything because she'll think that it was innocent.

I got hooked up with a boyfriend/friend because he started teasing me which led to tickeling me which led to kissing...yea i know, sounds teenagerous, heck I was a teenager, it should sound that way. However, it worked.

So, my suggestion may sound ridiculous but to me it's the way to find out without compromising your friendship.

Here's another suggestion, conversation and general discussion...such as..."K, so & so said we made a cute couple.(jokingly) Ya know there's talk about us around the office..." Then her response...Then you could say something like, "Do you think friendships are ruined by dating?" "What is your opinion on office dating?"

Well, I'm exhausted so goodnight ole friend and good luck!

ANNA

Thanks for all the replies! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think that, for now, I'll play it cool.

I'm not getting any signs that she wants anything more...or maybe I'm just being completely oblivious!

Anna, I'm already her personal back-massager at work, but she doesn't return the favor. Maybe she's just not the "touchy-feely" type.

The subject of "us" did come up one time. Someone at work asked if we were dating, and I told them no, we were just friends.

After that, I worried that the rumor might get bigger, so I went to K and told her about it...so she wouldn't think I was the source. She appreciated that, and it hasn't come up since.

Maybe I should have said something else at that point, but I'm a big chicken! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

cjack, from the experiences I’ve had and know of, it is somewhat difficult for a single guy or girl to be “just friends” with a member of the opposite sex who he or she finds attractive. Just as you stated, you wouldn’t mind being more than just friends. There is one thing you need to consider: if you and your co-worked do date and then you break up, you will still be working together. Even though it is in different divisions of the same company, it could cause problems. If you never date her, then there will probably never be any problems. It is something to consider. If you and her are really close friends, then the two of you should be able to talk about this and probably any other thing - including dating. If you and your co-worker think you are right for each other, then I would say “go for it”. I hope the both of you will consider more than just the friendship or attractiveness when thinking of a long term relationship. Put your two brains together as a team before jumping each other’s bones. And the last bit of advice I would like to give you is to be 100% honest with anyone you truly care about.

Cjack,

Just my advice, but I would not make any moves on her or give her back rubs unless she flirtatiously touches you first.

If she is interested in you, she will show it. If she isn't interested in you, do not pursue anything, as it will not work. However, if she shows interest it, go for it.

What if you just say you need to talk and after the movies, go get some coffee or sit in the car and tell her how you feel--you think she is attractive and yet you don't want to ruin the friendship should a romantic relationship not work out. Then ask her how she feels about that--whether or not she could see herself being romantic with you?

Regardless, if you want to "break out of the friend zone" it never should feel forced or uncomfortable. It should be able to flow naturally.

If you are having doubts about being rejected if you should make a move, then please DON'T!!! It's better to listen to those little warning signals rather than be saying to yourself later, "something told me not to do that!!!"