Hi Friends,

Some of you may remember me...I am an oldtimer who rarely posts, but I come here an read a lot.

I have a question that I am really struggling with. I'll try not to make it too wordy.

I get quite a bit of alimony a month. I do work, but my lifestyle would be very very different without this money. I will be getting it for 5 more years. In addition I get child support, for about 3 more years.

If I remarry - the alimony ceases.

I have been involved with a wonderful man for 2 1/2 years. We dated for about a year and then he moved in with us for a year and a half. He moved out a few months ago. The differences were all over my kids...21,17,15. He refused to discipline them at all due to the fact that he had no legal standing in the home (no marriage), and it ended up being a very frustrating situation for him. He and I are still very much together, but sort of back to dating.

I am welcome at anytime to accept his proposal of marriage - in which case I loose the money. He makes good money, but not as much as I get in alimony. He wants to take a very active role as head of the household (which, lets be honest...I am finding that I suck in that role). The kids are used to my unstructured ways, and it's just not working. I am frustrated and stressed out trying to run this show by myself. Their dad has little involvement in their lives.

I just sort of feel like my ex-husband owes me the money. I stated in the past to b/f that I would not marry him and loose the money because I deserved every dime I could get out of ex - who is marrying ow this weekend by the way.

And yes, for anyone doing the math I met b/f before I was divorced...I'd been seperated 8 mos only. And I do love b/f to death. He's a good good man.

It's been a lot.

What would you guys do?

thanks...az

<small>[ August 27, 2004, 01:41 AM: Message edited by: az allison ]</small>

Personally I don't think you being married would give BF (then H) any more power over your kids.

az allison- Don't get married. Kids this age are too big of a stress on marriage to someone not their father. Wait 3 years and kids will be gone. In the meantime, you still collect money. Believe me I know where I'm coming from. When H and I got married, we had kids that were 18, 16, 15, 14, 14, and 13. His daughter (16) would not accept me for years (now we are good friends). My oldest boy would not accept H as head of household. Now 7 years later, I'm great friends with his kids, he is friendly to mine, his kids and my kids are best friends, and H and I are separated. Even H says we had a good marriage, I was good wife, but constant problems with kids took its toll. The funny thing was, he waited until all kids were out of house to have his affair. Wait another 3 years, if he loves you, he will be willing. Otherwise you would be walking into a lot of problems, and they are constant.

Hi Allison,

I read this and didnt answer because I was afraid my answer would sound harsh, but others have said similar things... so dont be upset, and know that I have never had children, and that I care about you and dont know your BF, OK?

I dont think wanting to have more parental support by marrying will work. Your kids are older and they will probably never see another man as having authority over them. They will cause alot of friction for all of you.

And while I dont think you should not marry, just to keep the money, what if your 2nd marriage did end, would you be in worse shape financially? Would you be able to manage? ( and I think he should pay too for a long time LOL)

I wonder if your Xs marraige has got you thinking about doing it yourself. My friend married a male BS and his Xwife married her OM the next weekend, after living with him for years. Maybe there is something about an Xspouse marrying that makes you think you should too.

Take care of yourself and do something outrageously pleasurable this weekend OK?

oops... double-posted. silly computer.

<small>[ October 09, 2003, 12:04 PM: Message edited by: Lyxa ]</small>

Just going to chime in with my thoughts...
- If you've been living with him, etc. what advantage does marriage give you that you aren't already getting? It's just a piece of paper after all. I agree with whoever said it... he won't have any more authority or respect from your kids just cuz you get married... however long he's been with you... that's the way he'll be after your marriage anyways. You think that much is going to change?
- I'm mildly disturbed that the question of "Should I get married?" gets tossed in with the issue of alimony and child support. One is a very personal decision, the other is purely financial. It seems that you should be doing what's right (or at least think is right) and then do everything in your power to make it work. Between you and your boyfriend, it seems that you should be able to marshall the resources you'd need to make it happen. Are you unwilling to compromise a lifestyle for love?

I'm dating a wonderful girl, but I'm pretty sure that when I ask her to marry me, or when we talk about it, and she starts talking loss of alimony, that I'm probably going to wonder what is going on with her...

I apologize for the tone of this response, but you have me wondering at your priorities. You talk about children, discipline, money, love, and marriage... like they're this big tangled hairball. Be careful and tread lightly. When I can't see where I NEED to be or NEED to do because of intruding factors, it usually means I'm about to do something rash and impulsive. Also, given your description of your situation, I fail to see marriage as a priority in your life where you seem so biased to the status quo.

First, I do feel that being married would make a difference with the 15 and 17 year olds. It's important to present a united front with equal standing while parenting, and that obviously wasn't the case with you guys. The 21 year old is a different matter.

Second, your money dilemma indicates you are not ready to marry this guy, and maybe not anyone. It would be the mirror image of marrying someone for their money. If he is right for you in all other ways, the loss of "some" income wouldn't be critical.

Third, I'm just curious about the thinking of a spouse receiving alimony. That will be another thread....

First off, how the heck are ya?!

About the marriage...

I'd shy away from it, too. Not because of the money, but because he's moved out in frustration.

You say he refused to discipline the kids 'cause he wasn't married to you, right? Well, I'd question whether or not the kids will respect his authority to do so once he's "officially" your husband.

To put it another way:

You're getting the milk, so why buy the cow if the other animals don't want him in the barn?

first you don't (IMO) know your bf well enough to make a marital decision, living together was (again IMO) a huge mistake, it severely impacts the proper development (or not) of the connections necessary for a successful intimate relationship. The very fact that you are concerned about the alimony makes clear you are in no way ready to be married....also the fact you spent very little time being alone, learning about yourself, and processing the marital lessons learned from the failed marriage are redflags.

As for the discipline issues, that is complex, and there are lots of good books out there, but bottom line is a united front, if the two partners in a blended marriage are not 100% supportive of each other, disaster results. Authority of the step parent derives from the bio parent, once the kids understand that, you can make it work, even if it is hard and tough love must be visited upon a recalcitrant child....however, often the bio parent just cannot seem to get their priorities straight, and continues to put the kids ahead of their spouse (when push comes to shove), another recipe for marital disaster.

Frankly from what you have presented I think you made a bad choice with this individual. He should not have moved in with you (regardless of who suggested it), he would not work with you on a family plan for the blended family, and he had an affair. I think you were just a convienient good time girl, and he was just playing house. Lick your wounds, learn something from this (like why you make unhealthy relationship choices), and make better decisions in the future. Good luck.

<small>[ October 09, 2003, 09:42 PM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He refused to discipline them at all due to the fact that he had no legal standing in the home (no marriage), and it ended up being a very frustrating situation for him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To me, this seems to be the greater issue. Was it an agreement between you that he would not discipline the children? Otherwise I don't understand why someone in that situation wouldn't take on a parental role <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> .

This post makes me sick. What a greedy question. you know, you can never call yourself a self-sufficent liberated woman. You are a dependent, sniveling, chick living on welfare.

People like you seriously make me sick. Grabbing for every little morsel off someone else you can get. Why don't you marry the guy, if you love him, and get a better job?

oh man, you make me hate your gender. What a bunch of money-grubbing.

<small>[ October 13, 2003, 10:11 PM: Message edited by: MBMagnolia ]</small>

i may be completely wrong about this, but it seems to me that you are a selfish person. to put your love life on hold just because you want the money from your ex isn't something to be proud of. just like you said, this money will expire in about 5 years. how will you be then? will it be tough to struggle along without the ex's extra cash? i don't know the answer, but to say "no" to a man you love just so you can collect a few more dollars from your ex is disgusting. from what you have written, you are a money hungry person. please do not take this as anything close to being tacky, but you are the kind of person my mom and dad told me to stay away from. good luck

Allison,

Wow! I disagree with the last comments. I don't think you are greedy at all.

You and your ex made this agreement, so why shouldn't you get this for 5 years. Also, I am sure you are thinking that if the new marriage won't work out then you won't have this income.

I have a friend who is getting something very similar. Her husband wanted another woman and left her. This after she struggled through years of being poor with him and now supported and helped him start a very successful business. So why shouldn't she get this money for the next 5 years? She deserved much more than that after what he put her through, plus leaving his family for some woman he barely knew!

To me, you may find a man some day that is worth risking giving up income that is rightfully yours, however, from what you have said, I don't think this is the man. You need to smooth out the issues before the marriage, not after.

I agree that if you have to ask the question, then don't do it.

Take care and good luck girl,

ANNA

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by EazyE:
<strong>This post makes me sick. What a greedy question. you know, you can never call yourself a self-sufficent liberated woman. You are a dependent, sniveling, chick living on welfare.

People like you seriously make me sick. Grabbing for every little morsel off someone else you can get. Why don't you marry the guy, if you love him, and get a better job?

oh man, you make me hate your gender. What a bunch of money-grubbing.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whoa nelly eric, this is waaaaaayyyyy over the top, you don't need to be visiting your personal issues on this individual, You have prompted me to do something heretofore unknown, report a post for editing, but it would be better if you issued your own apology and made your comments in a civil fashion.

btw, would you please clean up the potty mouth, there are a few other words available in the english language to make your points. Frankly the F word is realllllyyy boring, and detracts from your message.

<small>[ October 13, 2003, 10:15 PM: Message edited by: MBMagnolia ]</small>

Do I dare come back to my post? Guess there are some guys out there that are just a little bitter about paying off the ex's huh? Well, as hurt as I was when I read your replies...now I'm just mad. I was married for 20 years and raised three kids. I did everything for my family. I was strongly discouraged from working and going to school. No one's fault but my own for not getting a career or degree, but I was completley blindsighted by the breakup of my marriage. I thought I was secure.
True, my ex-husband left without taking much. I got the house...but then I found out there was nothing. No savings, he'd emptied out his 401K...this is a man that makes $300,000 to $400,000 a year and there was nothing. He had taken out huge lines of credit without my knowledge to carry on a life I knew nothing about.
He moved in with OW#2 (A woman I knew well that had been a co-worker of his for many years) and closed our bank accounts without my knowledge.
Bottom line...if we had had a million dollars in the bank at the time of the divorce I would have legally gotten half. We didn't. I'm getting what I am LEGALLY owed over time.
He has since married OW. I do not have that option. He even tried, way before I did live with b/f to make co-habitation a condition of the alimony.
But I digress!
You ALL gave me so much to think about.
Lora, you are right. The fact that I'm thinking about this just before my ex-husbands wedding should be a red flag for me.
My b/f, as I said is a good man. But you guys are right, a marriage certificate probably would not change his role in my family.
Thank you all for your help and replies and thanks sufdb and Anna for your understanding.
EazyE...all I can say to you is that I have never ever seen you so mad. I always enjoy your posts and I know you lost a lot in your divorce. I'm sorry, but my situation was very different from yours. You need some beach time dude!
Thanks all.
allison

Hi there, old-timer! I'm still hanging around here, too, and please ignore those hostile posts.

I agree with Lora, she made good points, so I won't elaborate on them.

So, be well and just enjoy your new relationship - dating this guy.

Bumping this as I am going to butt in and say that I think a couple of people should be on here apologizing to Allison.

Allison, Sounds like your ex was the greedy one who wasn't even looking out for you and his children.

I would bet you are not just thinking of yourself, but your children as well. This is their financial stability too. I think you are very smart not to just jump in and marry a man whether you love him or not, as stated this decision effects your children, not just you.

Every decision I make also effects that of my children now more than ever.

ANNA

Allison,
I had to come back and tell you what a great job you did standing up for yourself and stating your feelings in a respectful way on this thread. I am striving to be able to do that better, so I recognize it as a good thing to be able to do.

You made it through the weekend.... Hope you did something fun.

Lora, CJack, Anna...and all.
I really did'nt post this to be controversial, but now looking back I can see how I did come off rather mercenary. It's probably really hard to have to pay a spouse that's been cheating on you alimony. i can see how it could really hurt so see what i said.
I have settled down somewhat, it's just been a lot with the move and the wedding. Emotions have been high. If and I when I do re-marry I hope my motives and intentions are right. Money should not have anything to do with it.
I do think that you Lora, and you CJack...that have taken some time for yourselves are going to be in better shape in the long run. I got into a relationship very quickly and I don't think I dealt with a lot of stuff.
Lora my friend, I did survive the weekend and am relieved it is over. My boys did well, but daughter told me she cried through dad's wedding. Thank you again for your kind offer - and I'm sorry I kept you waiting for an answer. No excuses other than I've been a bit of a mess. CJack...so good to hear from you again. You sound really good. If you happen to see this, let us know how you're doing. Are you still keeping up a relationship with your step-dtr?

And to those who are upset with me...I apologize if I struck a nerve. I hope I'm not the sort of person you may think I am. And don't worry, when the money from my ex-husband runs out, I'll be good and broke. (But I'm not bitter <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

allison

<small>[ October 16, 2003, 05:44 PM: Message edited by: az allison ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by az allison:
<strong> CJack...so good to hear from you again. You sound really good. If you happen to see this, let us know how you're doing. Are you still keeping up a relationship with your step-dtr?


allison </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I don't know about "really" good, but I'm doing okay, and thanks for asking. I'm trying to keep my relationship with my daughter going, but it is tough. Most 14-year old girls don't want to hang around with dad, you know... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Aside from that, I've been seeing the same woman since August, and I'm performing at the Improv in a few weeks...drop me a line, and you're officially invited!


p.s. You don't need to apologize to anyone.