My stbxw is refusing alimony in lieu of property, even when financially equivalent. The only reason I can think of is that she plans to remarry soon, in which case the alimony would stop. In fact, that's why I'd prefer to pay some alimony. She denies that and says she just doesn't want that "tie" to me, even though she's already going to get child support for more years than alimony.

Does that make sense? Is there anyone else, paying or receiving alimony, who found the recipient has some emotional baggage associated with alimony?

tmmx,

Have you considered the fact that alimony is taxed as income and property split is not?

ANNA

Hi Anna - yes, even after compensating for that she doesn't want it as alimony.

See, basically, she doesn't have a freakin' choice. The property is split according to the laws of your state, and she is either awarded alimony on a monthly basis, or not. If she decides to marry again, that's her own fault.

She's looking for property so she can get her greedy little claws on more cash.

Just concentrate on what you HAVE to do, not what she wants you to do, or else you are going to get reamed again.

Well, in Texas, whether right or wrong, she would have a choice. From what I've been told, she doesn't have to take alimony over property here.

ANNA

<small>[ October 13, 2003, 02:05 PM: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</small>

That's right Anna. Alimony is an extra (secondary) remedy. And EasyE, the laws are intentionally vague on how property is to be split, they are of no help at all in predicting what a judge will do.

Thanks for the responses. So far, nobody has talked about the emotional strings that might be attached with alimony.

tm,

Lets say your ex may be getting married after the divorce, then yes, of course she won't agree to alimony, especially in the form of payment for items that the court says are half hers. So, why not instead of making it in the form of alimony which you know won't happen; make it in the form of payments to her. She gets the payments whether she remarries or not. She would probably agree to that one.

If you don't agree my attorney said a court will order mediation. Then you each write a list of items you want and how much you think they are worth. The problem is that if you go to high and she says you can buy them from her then you are going to buy high, however, if you put that a big screen television is worth $50.00 instead of what it is really worth then she could say, "I'll buy that from you." or she could say, "I'll take the television and you can take something else worth $50.00. Which may really be worth $50.00. So you must really be honest with what things are worth.

Then if your list are similar the mediator will have you each take turns picking one item each of what is important to you and setting aside the items you disagree on.

At the end they look at the dollar amount and then try to divide those few remaining items.

It is so much better to just split all this up and realize that you must give her half, because if you don't, more than likely you are going to have to in the end and then on top of that pay major bucks to your attorney.

Btw, I didn't go through the mediation.

My ex and I really had very little, but looking at everything now, I did get more than ex did and that is even with paying a huge attorney fee. Mainly this happened because he got greedy and cashed in a policy in both our names and then spent every dime not giving me my half. I had enough of being his "victim" yet again and I hired a top dollar attorney who was going to pursue everything based on abuse. Abuse was the last thing ex wanted made public, plus he was out of money and couldn't fight anymore, so he sort of folded.

Anyway, good luck!

ANNA

Hi-
I receive alimony. I quit my great job to move to a dumb little town after my ex got fired for his affair and had to move to find another job. We separated, but then he gave this big song and dance about a fresh start and giving all he had to his marriage and how it would be great to stay home with our 2 small children and the newborn I had at the time. So I quit my job, left my beautiful home in the mountains and moved to this yucky little town. After a month, I found out he had resumed his affair, so the kids and I moved away and the divorce became final. After all that drama, I felt the kids needed me at home more than ever (they were 4,2,and 3 months) so we agreed that he would pay both child support and alimony. I didn't really want to accept it, as it made it seem like I couldn't support myself, but then I realized that I was making a sacrifice for my family and I needed to drop my pride. It is one thing to receive child support - that seems fair and normal, and didn't affect my pride. Alimony just had a negative sound to me. I don't know if your ex wife is dealing with any of that or not, but I agree with those who suggest she might be getting married again soon, and then it automatically stops. And getting taxed on it isn't my favorite thing either. Good luck.

Thanks, WhoAmINow. What you said at the end is similar to what my wife is saying now. This is a change, though. Just a few months ago she was talking permanent alimony.

Thanks again, Anna. One of our problems is that we don't really know what the court says. This is about ways for her to get more than half.

hi tmmx,
i guess it was my post that started you thinking about this.
in all reality, your wife probably does want to get remarried and is probably trying to work things out to her advantage.
this is just one of those things in life that we have to swallow whether fair or not. these laws were created for a reason. i don't think the law that says i can't recieve alimony if i re-marry is fair...my exhusband was the one cheating and he married ow just a few days ago.
i guess your question was what is the emotional impact of recieving alimony...while i hate the restrictions it places on my life...and the control my ex-husband still has over me...i've got to tell you, my trips to the bank twice a month to deposit those checks are joyous events. you see, i get to make my house payment, i get to pay my utilities, i get to take my 3 kids out to dinner.
so, while it's hard for you to accept, there are really no winners here. after a divorce peoples lives are going to change drastically.
allison

Thanks Allison. Here we have payroll deductions with automatic deposit, by default and not just for deadbeats. That's easier than writing a check. It seems like just another tax withhold, where you never even see the money.

I'm glad you are at least getting by, and hope it continues.