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I was on this board several years ago when my wife had her FIRST affair (lasted two years with a neighbor). She has since had another one. We have been separated for two years now and have three awesome kids.

My question to the board is how does a Christian reconcile getting a divorce from another Christian solely on the grounds of "I don't love you"? That is the situation with my wife. She tells her frineds that I'm a great guy, awesome dad, really good looking, strong Christian but... she doesn't love me.

Now she is involved in a singles ministry at a big church near my house and is freely dating. How, as a believer, do you reconcile your actions? I am just torn up inside every day over our situation. I can't begin to understand how she thinks it is ok to date. She knows we are divorcing on unscriptural grounds but she seems to have the attitude that God will give her a "do over".

I know it is wrong to not want God to be gracious with anyone. Thankfully, he has been extremely gracious with me in my life. But our choices have consequences, right?

Somehow, my wife seems to think that I'm being emotional about all this and I should just get over it and move on. I pray every day for God to help me do just that but I admit, I still love her deeply and absolutely, positively don't want a divorce. I don't want to force someone to stay in a relationship they don't want to be in either.

All I've asked of my wife is that she leave me alone as much as possible. We have to work together on parenting but that doesn't require me knowing about her life. She finds ways to tell me about her outings with the Singles ministry. Last night, my kids came back from a church event saying they spent the evening with Mommy and "XXX" (a guy who she admitted earlier was hitting on her)! I'm like out of my mind today. We're not even divorced yet and you are introducing our kids to your boyfriends?

Is the grace of God that easy? Can you just cast aside the current relationship and ask for a do over? I honestly want to hear from others who can relate to her side of things. It just blows my mind and I can't understand it in any way but I want to understand. I have read the Scriptures over and over on marriage and divorce and the only option I see for her is to remain single or remarry me. Am I missing the grace of God here? Somebody set me straight. I would love to understand that I'm wrong so I could at least face her every day without hating what she is doing.

Thanks for listening,

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Wish I had some words of wisdom to share. My H is (or at least said he was ) a christian too, and left for another woman. Two days after he left me he took our 2 boys out to dinner, with her. The next weekend he took the boys to play ball with her 2 kids. My older son has basically quit seeing him ever since. The younger son occasionally sees dad, but the relationship is cery strained. What she is doing is NOT ok. She will know that some day. She has become too lazy, and too selfish to work on her relationship with you, so she looks elsewhere.
How do they justify it? I don't know. My H even said "I have all ready asked God to forgive me, and he has" but - I replied - you have NOT repented. You have to ask forgiveness, and then turn from the sin. You are not doing that. You live with her. At that point he became angry, said that his sin was no different from anyone elses, blah blah blah.
Anyway, I am not helping, but know that you are not alone.
A good friend of mine keeps telling me to remember that this is only "sin for a season". Sometimes, thinking of that helps.

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2 words: SEARED CONSCIENCE.
Your wife has one.
I pray you find healing from her selfishness.
hlT

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Why would people think it is God's will to fly airplanes into tall buildings?

My H told me that he didn't think it was wrong of him to have an A with a married woman. After all, I didn't care for him, and her H didn't care for her.

Whatever the reason, I don't think you can convince her that what she is doing is wrong. She might think that she made a mistake in marrying you and now God is giving her a second chance.

I've gotten advice by calling Harley's radio show. I doubt our M has a chance of surviving but Harley has gotten me to discussing the core issue -- not an A but a lack of care. Harley might have some ideas for you on how to deal with your W.

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I'm an ecletic Christian, the type that doesn't qualify for many people. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

But here's my take... God's grace "passeth all understanding" Not only is it limitless, it is also beyond our ken. I don't think it's really about forgiving us specific earthly misdeeds, though that's a part of it.

The way I see God's Grace working here on earth is as part of the Divine Flow. Your wife will suffer conseqences for her behavior whether you get to know about it or not. Throught the consquences (punishment) she will hopefully learn and grow. You may or may not reap the benefit of that growth.

Unfortunately, Christians, Jews and others leave spouses all the time. Dr. Harley even says that being a Christian is no proof agianst an affair.

A question is why the heck your Church is allowing a not-yet-divorced woman to run the singles group!

I don't know if this helps or not. But know that there is a plan for you. That the Divine Spirit resides within you and if you listen closely without your own thoughts and desires interfering, it will speak to you and give you the answers.

Hmm. I guess I feel most comfortable with the Holy Ghost. I love having a triumverate God.

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I was not a strong believer until my husband's affair. Now I pray constantly for him to come to his senses and for reconcilliation. I asked my husband if I could pray outloud for both of us. He said no because we would not be praying for the same thing. He asked me "how do you know that God even wants me to be married to you?" I know because he brought us together and allowed us to marry. God is against divorce. But, he thinks that since God brought another woman into his life (who in his opinion at the moment is better than me) then God wants my husband to be with her instead. I think my husband KNOWS that it is wrong but is just trying to justify it.

You are not alone in this. Stay faithfull.

firefly

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don't,

You aren't really getting answers from the people that you were seeking, I am sorry to say those are the people that are not on this board, they are selfish and looking out for themselves, revisioning the marriage so that it fits the needs that they have at this time.

I stuggled with this same thing for a very long time, I searched for answers, I searched scriptures. It was hard coming to grips with not being able to stop the divorce. Natural consequences keep kicking my xH in the butt, do I get satisfaction from it? Not really, I feel sorry for him and where it is his life is at at this time. I have come out a stronger, healthier and happier person with a much closer relationship with God!!!!

I kept wanting answers though, how did my H allow this to happen to us, I asked him and he can't answer it, for a long time though I thought that it was that he wouldn't. I did find a post that helped me to understand how it happened, it gave me much peace and that was what it was I really wanted, peace!!!!

I hope that you may find the peace from reading the post that I did.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=010537

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Thanks everyone for the comments. I really wish I could understand her better. She seems to have a genuine faith but a complete lack of self control or conscience when it comes to men. It just bothers me that she seems to blame me for not "handling" this well.

She thinks it is my fault that I am emotional about our divorce and her dating. "It's been four years" (since my first affair) is the comment I get all the time and we've been separated for almost two years. You should be over this. However, that doesn't take into consideration that twice in the past year she has asked me to stop the divorce proceeding because she had doubts about whether it was the right thing to do (once it happened while she was still sleeping with another guy I later found out).

Why is it that the price I'm expected to pay for being kicked to the curb is to be a pleasant friend? To have to remain on friendly terms with her so she can tell me daily about her life? I have asked her several times over the past year to just leave me alone and talk to me only about the kids but she never respects that. According to her, all of her friends think I'm responsible for not moving on.

Someone mentioned about what kind of church would let someone like her be in leadership of a singles ministry. The answer is a very large and Godly church with the most active Singles ministry in the metro area I live in. I know their church doctrine says they won't marry people that are divorced like my wife. However, there are so many divorcee's in their singles ministry that it appears that everyone just accepts whatever comes through the door. I clearly think the church should love everyone but I also think they should teach the singles that in a large group (several hundred) there are obviously some that are unscripturally divorced and they are not free to date and should consider reconcilliation. On many occassions I have drafted an anonymous email to her pastor to say that specifically but I feel like that would be controlling. I don't want to play the Holy Spirit in her life but boy would I like to sit down with her pastor one day and let him know the damage that has been wrought!

Thanks again everyone for the comments. This has been a crisis couple weeks for me and I really need some support to stay on track.

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daybreak - That link was a great post, it explains it perfectly. My WH, OW, and I are all Christians, and I think that post shows why the strange thoughts and behaviors that go on. Thanks for remembering it.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dontwantadivorce:
<strong>Why is it that the price I'm expected to pay for being kicked to the curb is to be a pleasant friend? To have to remain on friendly terms with her so she can tell me daily about her life? I have asked her several times over the past year to just leave me alone and talk to me only about the kids but she never respects that. According to her, all of her friends think I'm responsible for not moving on.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are resposible for enforcing your boundaries. You have to find a way to make it impossible for her to talk to you about her life and share information you don't want to hear.

What you need is a Plan B. It probably won't stop the divorce at this stage (but who knows), but it will limit your exposure to her and make clear that you are not going to meet her needs for converstion and whatever else if you two are not in a marriage together. Do you post on the Plan A/Plan B board in the Infidelity area? Maybe you could get some help there-also on the Just Found Out board. Even though you haven't just found out, they brainstorm ways to limit contact in Plan B all the time on that board so you can get lots of good ideas there. In fact, this thread

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=003712

may give you a place to post the portion of your post I quoted above and ask for help.

As far as what she says her friends say, you don't have to refute what they say. You don't have to argue her around to your way of thinking. You just need to quit listening to her. After all, that would be an excellent way of moving on.

<small>[ November 02, 2003, 08:10 AM: Message edited by: elspeth ]</small>

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seems to be a double post.

<small>[ November 02, 2003, 10:22 AM: Message edited by: elspeth ]</small>

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My opinion is that there is not forgiveness without atonement or reparation. If you commit a sin, break a covenant that was made with God and you go back and repeatedly commit the same sin over and over, there PROBABLY is not forgiveness from God. I say PROBABLY because none of us can truely understand God, but we follow his commandments and do the best we can.

There is no reengineering God's word to suit ourselves. Making a convenant with God for life is as serious as it gets. You don't break it because you don't feel like being responsible for it anymore.

If the Bible's word is true and I know it is; The wages of sin is death. More likely spiritual death, but I believe that in your case as in mine, we suffer for WS's sin now, but they will suffer for it later, and then much more so after death, unless true repentance comes. I am Catholic and still married, nightly my WW commits adultery with one and possibly two OM. She has not filled for divorce yet every Sunday she receives communion. A sacrament that is given only to those free from sin. We all sin, but to be pure for communion, we ask for forgiveness and make REPARATION for our sins, promising not to do it again. I don't know how or when or where my WW will experience God's wrath, but she eventually will with this current life style.

My pain and punishment is for not doing a good job meeting WW's emotional needs, never-the-less, I am not responsible for her infidelity, she is and so it is with you WW.

May God have mercy on us all and wrongs be made right in God's time.

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You have asked some very difficult questions dwad, and there are no definitive answers because no one can say with certainty exactly who God is, or what we should do. Folks will speak with with "authority" but no one actually knows anything for sure, and on no issue there will there be consensus in a Christian community, marital doctrine, grace, sin, remarriage etc. is no different in this regard. The point being, you can choose to move forward and focus on choices you can make.....or you can look backward and get stuck trying to make what happened fit into what you choose to believe. You can't change history, nor do you have the slightest control over anyone's (except yourself) choices...the first thing you might consider is to make peace with those two things.

Once you have done that, now you can focus on your own life and choices. What I see you doing is focusing on your wifes life and her choices, and why is she doing what she is doing. That is the route to depression, and insures you will neglect your own life which will impact your kids, and everyone else (friends, family, co-workers, etc.). So next step is to shift perspective, and tally up your choices...the list of good choices is pretty standard.

1. Identify your contribution to the marital failure, and change what you think needs changeing.

2. Commit to not having conflict with w (takes two to tango), easier said than done, I know. But limiting contact as much as possible, and developing selective "deafness" will help a lot.

3. Take care of yourself....ie physical fittness issues, dietary issues, stop smoking, etc. etc.

4. Take up some kind of new activity...physical or mental. A sport, yoga, chess club, take a gardening class, volunteer organization, fund raiser....whatever. Something having nothing in common with wife, and not requiring a lot of committment (such as going back to college or some such).

5. Go ahead and find a good Bible study, mentoring, read/think/discuss Christian issues.

6. And give the angst and uncertain future to God. He can handle the pain and disorientation, and lift those burdens from you so you can continue on.

Let some time pass while you gain your bearings, and decide what to do without all the "drama" and emotional upheaval. Your wife is right about one thing, time does make a difference, and if one continues to obsess and manipulate (that is what trying to guilt someone is about, manipulation), you have the problem. You want your life to be what you want it to be, and you are trying to make your wife comply any way you can...stop. Right or wrong, it is her life too, and we all are empowered to live it any way we choose (of course we will experience the consequences of our choices).

Now back to your original question, why do Christians leave spouses....well, that implies Christians are any different than the rest of the human race. Of course they are not, Christians leave marriages for the same reasons (good and bad) anyone else leaves marriages...and apparently at the same rates according to surveys of such things. Believeing in God, and choosing divorce are not incompatible behaviours. Believeing in God and believeing there is not life after death would be an example of irreconileable difference. Regardless of how your wife is communicateing her position to you, the basic message she is saying is that she feels marriage is a choice, and that one can leave a marriage as well as choose a marriage. I don't want to start a debate here on what exactly is marriage, but when these debates come up no one is able to actually define what it is, which makes discussions about this more difficult. But suffice to say at the least we all agree it means living in intimacy with someone, meeting each other EN's, sharing resources, and usually fidelity (I have no idea how "open" marriage or swingers fit into this....are they actually married? who knows), and a legal contract (marriage license). All of these things are clearly choices, one can end the legal contract with a divorce decree...and one can withdraw a committment to fidelity, seperate resources, move away from intimacy (either actually apart, or even still sharing domicile), stop meeting EN's...these are choices, and thusly ends the marriage.

There are those who maintain these are only secular choices, and that somehow one is still actually "married". That does not seem to be true. The Bible has a body of Scripture that in toto clearly indicates divorce is a recognizable condition, regardless of whether one "should" divorce. When is one "divorced", well, I am not sure myself, today we kinda default to the legal system, but that is really only the contractural dissolution. Biblically it seems to be when you tell your spouse, you divorce them, and generally seems to include leaveing the intimate presence of this person. This is the argument about seperation. Clearly God is not bound by our secular divorce laws, He knows our hearts and intent. I suspect divorce occurs pretty much when at least one party (could be both) acknowledges they are no longer committed to living in a marital condition with another....and acts accordingly. We have freewill, and it makes no sense to conclude anything else, such as a freewill choice to "marry", precludes a "freewill" choice to leave. Such would simply make one human being the property of another, bound against their will....forever tainted if they won't subject themself.

That flies in the face of grace, and our sinful nature. We cannot help but sin, but we are forgiven, and restored....not restored only if we agree to someone elses desire to hold us, but restored period. There are all sorts of wrinkles to this about remorse, forgiveness, restitution, redeption, etc. But the bottom line is all sin is forgiveable, and all people can be restored. How this all plays out in divorce, is a source of great controversy. The controller mentalities try to link redemption to not divorceing (or returning to original spouse), or if not, then can't remarry. This is nonsensical, cause it implies God only sanctifies first marriages, so all second marriages (except re the death of a spouse) are sinful, which is a ludicrous position, and completely obviates forgiveness and restoration as a gift. If one is restored, than one is free to make the same kinds of choices one could make before sinning....whether that be to once again steal something (and sin), or enter a marriage again (and live it on Christian terms), or lead a singles ministry etc.

Your wife seems to consider herself divorced from you, and told you this. You seem unwilling to accept that. I agree that her not seeking the legal papers weakens her "intent", and making reconcilliation suggestions to you also weakens intent. Only God really knows what her intent is, and whether you two are "divorced". If you two are still married, then obviously she is committing regular adultery, and should not be in any church leadership position, and is living in a continuous state of outright rebellion (as opposed to our normal sinful state as just being human and struggling daily). Even if you are "divorced" she is still guilty of fornication (I think that is the word) and pornea (inappropriate sexual conduct when single essentially)....but not adultery. I cannot possibly tell you how to sort this all out, except to pray for discernment, and to recognize you do have both normal grounds for divorce, that being adultery, and abandonment. IMO (as in what I would do), one acknowledges the reality of the circumnstance (that the marial bonds are broken), go ahead and validate that with our social means (divorce decree), and refuse to act in any "marital" way (no sex, or living together as man and wife etc.). That does not preclude holding yourself willing to reconcille should she decide to join you in such an effort, it just clarifies the current truth, and releases you from the emotional/psychological damage you are experienceing, and lets you start the personal healing process. However, when and if you start exploring other relationships (or she does), and then make a marital committment with another, you are done, there is no going back....if you do, you sin against your new spouse...and then are in the same spiritual turmoil as your wife is now.

While forgiveness is a given, it isn't that simple. The danger is not that somehow God will withold forgiveness, but that if you pervert Christian belief by using this as a get out of jail free card, carte blanc to do whatever you please, you increase the risk you will not be saved, not as a punishment....but because your intent to believe will not be true. It is hard to imagine a legitimate leap of faith being made, yet also think one can deliberately choose sin because God will forgive me anyways. That is the reason Christians should look long and hard at what they do, and why they are doing it....and there focus should not be on choosing sin, but on resisting sin (even if they fail). Marriage is difficult, cause it involves two people and independent freewill actions which may clash, and lead to a spiritual crisis (am I married only as a duty, an absolute? or does it need to be a safe/healthy/nurturing/joyous place I want to be in?). That is a whole lot different than choosing addictive behaviour (drugs, alcohol, gambling)over a spouse....or abusing/neglecting a spouse, or refusing to give children to a spouse. IMO a part of marital doctrine is simply God's statement about how marriage should look, and feel, and if it isn't those things something needs to be done. If the issues are irreconcileable, then I don't think God's will is served by living "legalistically" and expecting Him to "fix" whatever. Yes God can do anything, but that doesn't mean he is going to do what we want just cause we think He should. But I do think God expects us to look long and hard at ourselves, and our marriages, not just capriciously or dysfunctionally end them......or enter they either for that matter. People often make marriages they should not have, and the only thing they can do is end them.

Lastly dwad, your post had a sort of judgemental tone re your wifes walk with God, the "do over" stuff, etc. She is correct she will be forgiven, and she can continue on with her life....how that all works out is between her and God, and not you. You can only walk your own walk, be sure that is what you are doing. Good luck.

<small>[ November 02, 2003, 10:01 AM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>

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dontwantadivorce,

I didn't see it, maybe you said it already...

But have you had counsel with the minister or spiritual counselor of your church over these questions of yours?

Seems that would be the person to ask these questions of.

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Sufdb,

Thank you for a very meaningful response. I know that there is some judgmentalism in my tone. I freely admit I want someone to rebuke her or challenge her to live a consistent life. I know that it is not my job to play God in her life and tell her what she should and should not feel. However, I find myself entangled in these situations with her where she drops information on me regularly about guys she is meeting and I'm just so wounded, I'm at a loss as to how to handle.

I want to release her. I know that I can't control her and any attempts at control are sinful. I have to accept her choices and move on but I'm honestly struggling with that each day. I guess that is why I posted because I can't seem to get past how she justifies what a close walk she has with God but she is dating while still married and has had two sexual relationships. It is because of this that I have started to force the divorce issue since she seems to be in no hurry. However, she is now using that to basically say "see, its 50/50, you want this divorce". That is just NOT true. She knows that I'm divorcing her because I don't want to be married to someone who sleeps with and dates other men whle married. If she would commit to just not date, I would stay married (and separated if need be), indefinitely.

I've basically followed your 6 steps to change. I'm involved in a new church, help lead the High School ministry, work out regulary, practice a hobby (fishing)... If I didn't have kids and didn't have to face my wife every day, I think I'd pretty much be hitting life on all cylinders.

Thanks again to everyone who has posted. I really needed this outlet! God has used this to help me get centered and settled again.

With gratitude,
dwad

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You getting a divorce is not wrong. Your wife is commiting A and continues to commit it. Second, You need to write a letter to the church and inform them of the situation. (Matt. 18 principle) She is a black eye to Christianity. If it is a true church following the word, they will meet with her and if she continues, they will ask her to leave the church. Your action is not considered revenge but biblical principle that needs to be followed. Your wife is talking like she is a christian but her actions show the opposite.

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Don'tWantDivorce,

I skimmed some of the replies, but am going to reply specifically to your first post. I also am divorced and my husband is/was a strong Christian man who said things like, "God wants me happy" and who justified the divorce (there was no adultery by either of us) by saying "God will forgive me."

First of all, THE ONLY reason divorce is a permissible thing is because of the HARDNESS of people's hearts. This is what Moses tells the people in Deuteronomy. It has never been and will never be God's will. The ONLY reason divorces happen is becuase it is a concession to other sins that have damaged people (adultery, abuse, etc).

There are ONLY two specific things in the Bible where it says that a spouse is "not bound" in the marriage... one is unrepentive sexual sin ("marital unfaithfulness") and the other is if a nonBelieve wants to leave the marrige. In both instances, the Bible says that the Believing spouse/betrayed spouse is "not bound" although it is clear that in neither instances, is divorce urged or mandated. God's perfect will is still not divorce. His perfect will is that a person stops committing adultery and that the nonBeliever becomes a Believer and wants to stay married to their Christian spouse!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My question to the board is how does a Christian reconcile getting a divorce from another Christian solely on the grounds of "I don't love you"?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It can't be "reconciled." She might justify it in her own eyes and to others, but God does not bless it in any way, shape, or form. She is accountable before him for her actions and it does not matter if everyone in the world accepts her reasoning. God's Word does NOT change ever. He "hates" divorce and again, as mentioned above, not loving someone is not sufficient grounds for divorce... merely because when vows where said, they were public and before God, and they were promises to love "til death."

Now, to the world, anything goes as far as reasons for divorce. And to say otherwise, it to be "judgemental." Your wife is believing lies of the world (that not loving you is okay grounds for divorce).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now she is involved in a singles ministry at a big church near my house and is freely dating.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is truly a sad commentary on the church as a whole. Because divorce is so prevalant today, many churches have taken a no-involvement approach vs. saving marriages and disciplining Christians.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't begin to understand how she thinks it is ok to date.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She is both deceived (by Satan) and is also deceiving herself. It is NOT okay for her to date while still married to you. It is also not okay for her to date after divorcing you. Her options are to stay single or reconcile with you (1 Cor) because she does not have grounds for divorce (you are a Believer wanting the marriage and you are not committing adultery... these are the only two things-- adultery and a nonbeliever leaving-- that break a marrige bond).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She knows we are divorcing on unscriptural grounds but she seems to have the attitude that God will give her a "do over".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband had the same mindset saying that "God will forgive me." But you don't go murder someone and say, "God will forgive me" or give me a "do over." You do not willingly and knowingly do something when you know it is wrong.

Take David in the Bible. He knew adultery was wrong. He committed it anyways. It led to greater sins, including murder. Here was a man who'd led a godly life since a child, and it was a full year before Nathan confronted him with his sin and he finally repented! For a whole year, he justified and did not repent of his sin. Once he did, his sorrow was very great. And the consequences were massive... his baby with Bathsheba died as a direct result of the adultery, all of his sons rebelled against him and almost all of them died, his daughter was raped, his son Soloman was a good king but at the end of his life, he turned away from God because of other women (nonBelievers). So, YES, the consequences are great and no amount of justifying can diminish whatever consequences come.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But our choices have consequences, right?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YES!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Somehow, my wife seems to think that I'm being emotional about all this and I should just get over it and move on.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is typical of how most people see things. "Move on." Probably, in her mind, your "moving on" will relieve her of guilt. Whenever you express love or talk about the marriage, etc... it causes her guilt that she does not want to deal with.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I pray every day for God to help me do just that but I admit, I still love her deeply and absolutely, positively don't want a divorce. I don't want to force someone to stay in a relationship they don't want to be in either.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keep praying! You can't force her to stay but you are in NO WAY wrong or misguided for loving your wife!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is the grace of God that easy?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can you just cast aside the current relationship and ask for a do over?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No!

[quote}I have read the Scriptures over and over on marriage and divorce and the only option I see for her is to remain single or remarry me. Am I missing the grace of God here?[/quote]

No, you are not missing the grace of God. The grace of God is not this blanket permission for us to sin or to hurt others. Not only that, but one of the worst things is that your wife is a living, walking testimony of divorce being okay! She is a Christian woman leading a life that is not one of obedience to God. This is one of the reasons why God hates our sin. When we call ourselves Christians but yet we don't obey Him and we mock His Word (do things that we know are wrong and think we can somehow get "do overs), this misleads people and misrepresents God.

I am sorry for all that has gone on in your marriage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> God will always hate divorce and it will always be something that is only permissible because of other sins that have hardened a person's heart. Even when a spouse divorces a cheating partner, that cheating partner's heart is hardened. IF both people were obeying God and loving their spouses, there would be no reason or need for divorce.

Your wife does not have Biblical grounds for divorce, and it may appear right now as if she is "getting away with it" but I guarantee, there will be consequences... probably including the failure of her future relationships (since they are being born out of betrayal) and problems with your children (who might someday disrespect her, etc). She might lose you and someday really regret it. Someone here mentioned that sin lasts a season, and this is very true.

(sorry so long!)

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LoveMyX has covered it all. I agree completely. Please read carefully and understand what is being shared with you. Your wife is making an effort to justify her behavior. IMO, LoveMyX covered marriage from a Biblical stand point and is right on target. My prayers are with you.

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don't,
My x-wife, who was a borne again Christian in high school and lived in a "Christian House" in college had an affair and after 5-6 attempts at reconciliation, I gave up and refiled the D papers she had started and we had stopped on the last reconciliation attempt.

In speaking with a minister, who had talked with my w, he said that for all her life my x had tried to live the right way, do the right thing, but for some reason, she wasn't happy.

When the om came into the picture and promised to improve her life, she accepted it and turned her back on the Christian life. So all she could see was the Christian life hadn't brought her happiness, but this new wild life could and did.

Unfortunetly it was only temporary. There marriage lasted 16 months with him going back to his x-wife.

She is slowly returning to "normal." She hasn't returned to church on a regular basis and I have complained to her about not taking the kids to church when she has them and she now does this intermintently.

She says that God made om leave her so she could see what I went through(although comparing 20 years to 2 years doesn't seem quite right to me!).

She says that the Lord has forgiven her. This after saying that God doesn't answer prayers, he is just there for the after life.

She too told me to just get over it and start dating, when we were married. I just did the best I could to keep my faith, but counseled with a minister friend alot.

One of the things that helped me understand the Christian and divorce was to attend a seminar at another church and it helped me heal. I'm still working on the forgiveness part though. She constantly does things that anger me.

Hang in!

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks everyone for the comments. I really wish I could understand her better. She seems to have a genuine faith but a complete lack of self control or conscience when it comes to men. It just bothers me that she seems to blame me for not "handling" this well. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">dontwantadivorce - Adam and Eve also had a genuine faith, but sin can be blinding. It causes what is called around here "the fog."

Another thing to consider is the parable of the Wheat and the Tares. There are many who claim to be Christians, but are not.

dontwantadivorce, the choice to divorce or not to divorce is yours. God has given you that "right" if you cannot endure any longer. But, as one who thought his wife was hopelessly lost, it CAN change. God is in the business of changing people's lives. But it also requires confrontation of willful sin. In this, the church your wife is attending is abetting her sin and NOT following God's commands. So she is left with the idea that what she is doing is okay.

As for forgiveness, God requires repentance and a turning away from sin for Him to forgive. Her sin, while it definitely involves and hurts you, is first and foremost a sin against God.

The passage that should, but obviously doesn't, scare the "willies" out of her is God's clear and demonstrative statement about the types of unrepentant people who will NOT be in heaven.

The key for her, for you, for me, and for all who have Christ, is to choose to be humbly obedient to God's teaching and commands. To do otherwise is to enthrone Satan as sovereign of our lives.

God bless. I give you my personal life verse that sustained me through the darkest times....Philippians 4:13. I never had enough strength, but Christ did!

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