Any of you who are old timers will remember me. H had what I defined as an emotional affair 1998-2000. All was well since then, except that he has been let go from all three jobs he's had since 2000. Some of it is just bad luck, but I think he picks companies badly.

To make a long story short, I am pretty much tapped out in terms of being the supportive wifey. I get no credit for it, he expresses no appreciation that I'm covering the bills. Some days he has a drama about his life being over; but he will not seek help, he will not go to a support group for displaced workers, he will not go on meds. He refuses. He claims to "need someone to talk to (!!!) and doesn't talk to me (not that I have anything left to be supportive with).

The other night I was on the PC and saw that he had not logged out of his web-based mail. Now, I know all about don't snoop unless you're prepared for what you might find. What I found was some old, irrelevant stuff, but I found a lot of messages with a "sender" of "Dating Secrets", and I saw that he is signed up for a mail list for "dominant women and submissive men."

If I'd had the presence of mind, I'd have printed the stuff out, but he was home, and I was too much in shock.

Whether he's actively seeking dates, or adventure, or what, remains to be seen, and I am not going to act precipitously. But I do want to see exactly how badly I'm going to get screwed financially if the s*** hits the fan and I have to file for divorce. Here's the problem:

We own a house together. Our money is kept separate. I have savings and retirement accounts. He has some employee retirement money -- not much. Most of his money is money he inherited from his father's estate. Based on what I know about equitable distribution, fault is meaningless. It doesn't matter that I've supported him when he's been out of work or that he's looking to date other women (if in fact he is). Also based on what I know, because most of my retirement money was saved after the marriage, it is marital property, and all of the money that's his that isn't from employee retirement plans is NOT marital property because it is inherited.

In other words, what's ours is half his and what's mine is half his and what's his is all his.

And he's unemployed to boot.

Based on my understanding, in order to extricate myself from this marriage, should I find that he is in fact dating or seeking to date, I get taken to the cleaners. AND if he's not working, I'd probably get socked for alimony as well, at least temporarily.

I'm not kidding. That would be bad enough that I would have to sell my house and probably relocate to a lower-cost area and start my ENTIRE life over again, having lost most of what I've worked so hard to save.....because can't get his act together.

Does anyone know if I'm being overly pessimistic or if this is a realistic assessment of "equitable" (ha!) distribution in my situation?

(The marriage is of 20 years duration, no kids.)

Hello,
Sorry you are going through this!
I would sit and just watch. Please start in a prayer group. Trust in God. Maybe this is just a change of life for your H?
Your question about division laws very from state to state. Go to divorcemagazine.com and have a look. There are many examples there and also you can ask questions. I am in NY and the laws are different. We have a great prayer group on here add your name if not already done.

I pray that your marriage will be saved by our Lord and that he removes all the evil affecting it. That our Lord calms you with every breath. God Bless you. God The Father, Son and Holy Spirit Amen.

Hey D&C!!!!!

Well the only thing I can tell you...... I am in a equitable distibution state...... and pretty much the same thing..... However, I too had inheritance...... and guess what! If you meaning he, put any of it in the house, etc.... it means (according to VA law) that he did it in good faith of the marriage and it is considered marrital property. If however he has kept it free and clear of marrital funds..... then it pretty much can not be touched....

Also, another thing I learned..... If in fact it is separate ( and again depends on state from what I understand) It does go on his tally sheet as to his equitable ability versus yours (and as my lawyer told me) could be used to apportion the equitable distribution in the Ex's favor.... hence If it were say for instance a start at the 50/50 split, Ex could as for a 60/40 or 65/35 of the true marrital properties....

Does that mean he would get MORE of the marital property or LESS, because he has other assets?

Does this always hold true? For example, if I were to, say, offer to buy out his equity in the house, say "You keep your money and I'll keep mine", we do the agreement ourselves and present it, does that override everything else? Or would the judge insist on putting me over a barrel?

I also suppose that I would have to wait till he gets a job or I would have to "support him in the style to which he is accustomed" too -- on my income alone -- in two households -- right?

Oy vey.

hey Dazed,

Long time no see. Sorry things still aren't good.

Here is what I know about here. I did have an inheretance but becasue it was used for community property, it was gone. If he keeps it in a seperate account in his name only I beleive its his.

Anything you had before marriage can be seperated out if you can track it somewhat.

Of course if you can come to an agreement without going to court, its all open to negotiation. We used a mediator and went for basically a 50-50 split, but there was still room for some estimates and interprtation. Maybe he would only want the house asssts. I do think if you both agree to it and it is somewhat reasonable, the judge signs it.

Did you see under the Tuscan sun? Made me want to run away to somewhere. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 07, 2003, 07:07 PM: Message edited by: Lora ]</small>

I found out that its left up to the Judge not the laws of the state. Small town escambia county al. hometown boy, police officer. D papers says A with MOW was the breakup of our M. I came away with home no money to pay for it, after 17 yrs M, stay at home mom for 14. Im 6 yrs older needed 3 operations, X did have to pay COBRA ins. spousal support $333 for 9 months. Judge would not divide military income. X did not have to pay my lawyer or medical bills that was over $3000. even though I had no income. X got to claim our son on income taxes, its the custodial parent who should get this in AL. we are in appeal courts over income taxes & retirement. X made around $40,000, me nothing. Half of our son savings, later he couldnt get them because son & half brother put them in a custodial account. X bought MOW a car 5 days later thinking he had his son money. money from CDs were from the sale of my home before M, X claimed he put a roof on the house, he lied my dad did. That got him half. You cant go by the laws, its left up the Judge. Judges can make their own rulings. if you are not happy with the ruling, you have a limited time to file appeal. X got joint custody but has no contact with son in last 1 1/2 yrs, wont pay court ordered medical on son. But can buy a home over $100,000 with OW. I do not believe in the system being fair. My D was a nightmare.