I haven't posted a topic hear, I have been a "lurker" for quite some time.

Some stories I feel like I relate to, and have followed people's progress. I can't believe how long I have been lurking....over a year.

I tried plan B, tirelessly for months. My H moved out a year ago, and I moved out a few months later so he could return to the house. I know live alone and await my pending divorce. H filed last April, but then "un filed" shortly after. That leaves us legally seperated, I believe.

We have sorted out most of the financials, and have begun to live our seperate lives. I have even dated a couple of times.

I still can not put my finger on the cause of my martial demise. My H contends he just thinks we are oil and water, and we are better of apart.

We have been married for five years. We have no kids. The best I can tell, and I scincerly believe, that there was no ifedelity. Maybe an EA, but wife a different life, not a different person.

So why do I still want to depserately save my marriage? Why do I feel with every fibre of my being that this divorce is a mistake?

I feel like it is the ultimate heartbreak for me to have to file, but my H just won't seem to. He says he isn't sure and he know he may be making a mistake, but wants me to move on. He says if divorce papers are what I need to move on, than thats what we should do.

I have read every self help book, relationship book, and marriage book I could get me hands on. And now, I am just bummed. I know I will be OK. It took me a long time to get there. Now I guess I need to know I will be better, maybe that will give me the strength to file.

It just seems so ridiculous to file for a d if you don't want one!! Has anyone been through this?

<small>[ December 18, 2003, 12:41 AM: Message edited by: New2this ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by New2this:
<strong>
I still can not put my finger on the cause of my martial demise. My H contends he just thinks we are oil and water, and we are better of apart.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sorry for the pain you are feeling and the helplessness you are no doubt experiencing. I could guess that your H is saying that he is frustrated and bewilded that his emotional needs aren't being met an that he isn't meeting yours.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> So why do I still want to depserately save my marriage? Why do I feel with every fibre of my being that this divorce is a mistake? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Would you tell a little more of you sitch and what you and your H have attempted to save your M?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
It just seems so ridiculous to file for a d if you don't want one!! Has anyone been through this? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A number of us are in this sitch. One day you want to fight for your marriage the next you feel no hope and think it is time to let go, only to swing back to saving it again. If you don't want one, don't file. I have my doubts about your H really wanting one. Could be that he doesn't want the marriage you have, but the one you both hoped for when you took your vows. Without much to go on it is hard to tell.

Post often, there are some very wise people here who can make sense out of confusion. And don't give up. Pray, for guidance and help, it will come tp you in God's time. As others have written here: "God hates divorce".

Firebird,

Thanks for the reply. I feel funny posting all the sorted details..it has been so long and I have tried so many things.

We did counseling; I even tried to get counseling with the Harleys a year ago, but it was to expensive (we compromised on going be not using "his," or "mine" and searched someone out together.) We went to Marriage Encouters, we have tried dating, we have had countless heart to hearts, went through needs identification, spent anniversarys and holidays together, spend anniversaruies and holidays apart, went on vacation together, went on vacation apart. Dated other people, stopped dating other people. And so it goes.....

The bottom line is, he just isn't engaged in the marriage, and doubts he ever will be. I think the only reason he sees and is kind to me is because he feels so guilty.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by New2this:
<strong> Firebird,

Thanks for the reply. I feel funny posting all the sorted details..it has been so long and I have tried so many things. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the place for sorted details. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sounds like you have tried a lot. You H sounds like he is depressed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> The bottom line is, he just isn't engaged in the marriage, and doubts he ever will be. I think the only reason he sees and is kind to me is because he feels so guilty. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry and at the same time I hate that. I can take hurt, anger even the fog, but apathy is so tough to deal with. I don't know what to say, but hope that my reply will cause a BUMP that may get the attention of someone like, TMCM or Redhat, Chris 123 etc etc. Those guys or more experienced and may have better ideas. If I were to take a guess at what to do, I might try the 180 degree, divorce busting list or the Homer McDonald approach. That is act happy, don't try, agree with everything, even divorce. "You know that isn't what I prefer, but if that is what you need, OK. I just want you to be happy". Act like everything is fine, cause no pressure.

See my bottom line: "Sometimes having is not so good as wanting."

Maybe someone else will jump in and have a better suggestion.

New2This:

One more question: Do you think you husband is 'passive/aggressive? If so, he may have more anger than is apparent and is appearing apathetic to tie you in knots. I may be going way out on a limb here with my amature psychology. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Could be. He is so mild mannered about everything to everyone, never raises his voice, never acts out in anger.

But like my therpist says, divorce is a very angry act.

Hi New2this,

I used to post regularly on MB 5 or 6 years ago. I have spent the last 6 years trying to save my marriage. Pretty much the lenght of your marriage.

My wife had an affair. She is now involved with a diffeent man. We've been separated since September. Been married 21 years with 4 kids. I have probably read every book there is on marriage, separation, and divorce. Gone to councelling; separate and with wife. At this point I'm ready for divorce. Just waiting until after the holidays. The odd thing is that my wife and I are good friends.

If I could roll all my experience into a single phrase for you, it would be this. Let go. It sounds easy to do, but it isn't. You can't make anyone love you. You can only be someone worth loving, the rest is up to them.

You and your husband may be oil and water. I think that's a good thing. Who wants a partner exactly like themself (oil and oil)?

If you don't want to file, don't. Letting go and being the best woman you know how to be will be VERY attractive to your husband AND other men. If he never sees it; count it as his loss.

Taks Care,
SHA

Thanks SHA

Its funny because last SUnday we met and had a really good meeting. Better and different than usual. I thought it was good becuase we reminisced about some good times.

When I told my H, he said he thought it went different than normal too. He came over in the afternoon, and as he put it "I poilitely kicked him out" becuase I had movie plans.

He said he was refreshed and for once he didn't feel like he was pulling all the strings.

I know he feels awful and is racked with guilt.

If I could just let go, he may see the light. I just am not into games, and I don;t want to let go for myself yet, so I feel like it would be a game.

It has to not be a game.

Realize that you can move on, that your life is not over if you are D.

Why not let him file for D?

"Let" him file? I certainly can't stop him, but I don't want to encourage him!

Hi...
So this is a little wierd for me, asking advice from strangers...but I just keep making mistake after mistake so someone has to have better ideas than I do!!

My H is coming over tomorrow. To watch TV and play with our dog. (He brings her over to visit once in a while.)

I have really blown it this week, by calling when I shoudln't. And today was the worst, I called him, repeatedly, in tears. NOTHING upsets him more. He said to me on the phone "This is exactly why I don;t see you." SO now I have done it again, and he will for sure be dreading coming over here tomoroow. He can't deal with my drama and my tears. So should I let him off the hook, and tell him I understand he probably doesn;t want to come and thats OK?

My H is coming over in a few hours....
Any advice?...Anyone?

Thanks

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by New2this:
<strong> My H is coming over in a few hours....
Any advice?...Anyone?

Thanks </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here is a BIG ((((((((((HUG)))))))))) to give you strength and to calm you down. Take 3 deep breaths, close your eyes, relax and ask Jesus to take control, give your anxiety to Him.

When H gets there, smile pleasantly, make him feel comfortable. Don't ask him anything about how he feels, what he's decided or put any kind of pressure on him to answer any questions that you are anxious about. NOOOOOO pressure. Just be calm knowing Jesus is filling you with His peace.

Let H do most of the talking, again, no questions just be a good and hospitable host as you can be. Decide not to react to anything hurtful that he might say. If he says something hurtful, just sympathetically say " I can understand those feelings" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" then shut up and let him talk again. You can do this. Pat yourself on the back secretly knowing you are doing what you need to. Think of all us here at MB who are with you and cheering you on. I know you will do well.

God be with you and give you peace.

<small>[ December 14, 2003, 08:37 PM: Message edited by: Firebird ]</small>

Sooooooo? What happened?

Uggghhhh!

It was fine for him, heart wrenching for me. I served him dinner with a smile, we walked through some mutual bills we owed and I agreed to everything he said (I mean, it was fair it wasn't like he took advantage of me.)

He told me I should go home for Xmas (to the east coast) becuase he didn't want to spend it together.

I asked him if I would see him before Xmas, and he just told me how many parties he has to go to, and that he is busy, but he will try to fit it in.

I paid all the bills today and let him know and I think he was pleased.

There was NO physical contact, he didn;t even want to sit on the same couch with me. I disgust him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

How about cheerfully (even if forced), saying to him. <strong>"I've been thinking about your idea about going home for Christmas. It's a wonderful idea. I'll enjoy seeing my folks again. Thanks for the suggestion. You have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year yourself!"</strong>

I wonder what he will do with himself without you there to make cry. I am suspicious about all these Christmas parties he has to go to. I sorta doubt it. I think he is just trying to get a rise out of you, because he's been playing your emotions like a fiddle.

Let him have the freedom he wants. He might find that he doesn't enjoy it once you willingly and cheerfully give it to him. Without him around, you have your freedom to do what you want. That may come to his mind once you have gone for the Holidays. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Thanks FireBird,

Its always like I know what I should do, but it is soooooo hard!! The thing is, it has been so long. I thought he would miss me when I moved out, or when I went on vacation with people he didn't know, or when I had new friends and a new apartment and new interests in my life.

But none of that has made him budge.

I just asked him, which i know I shouldn't have; but with Xmas and everything it is just so hard. I asked him where we were, and he said he didn;t know. So I tried to speak and let him agree.

I said, "You don't want to be with me, and your new friends and parties are your priority right now becuase you don;t want to spent time with me. You want me to go home for Christmas, get through the holidays and then we will try and resolve this." He agreed, and I also added that it was important for me to know if there was another person in the picture. He said no, and I believe him.

So I will see him THurs night, and then maybe sometime after Xmas.

Why is this so hard???? And Why am I not ready to throw in the towel?? He has been telling me for over a YEAR he doesn't love me!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by New2this:
<strong>
I just asked him, which i know I shouldn't have; but with Xmas and everything it is just so hard. I asked him where we were, and he said he didn;t know. So I tried to speak and let him agree. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, that's one small sized whack with a 2 x 4. Stop appearing needy (even if you feel like it. I know I feel like it too sometimes.) There is still something there, or he would give you the time of day. I think he loves that, when you ask "where are we?". Soon as you ask that, you give him control and power over you. He knows your fate is in his hands, not yours.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I said, "You don't want to be with me, and your new friends and parties are your priority right now becuase you don;t want to spent time with me. You want me to go home for Christmas, get through the holidays and then we will try and resolve this." He agreed, and I also added that it was important for me to know if there was another person in the picture. He said no, and I believe him.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK Bend over, 2 goodly whacks with the 2 x 4. You probably gave him an orgasm with that pity party. I know what you are feeling and why you are doing this but you are not being the person he fell in love with by showing him a clingy and insecure person. I know you are dying inside, but you have to show strength, no meaness, but let it 'apprear' to bouce off. First you do it and then become it. (strong)

So I will see him THurs night, and then maybe sometime after Xmas.

Why is this so hard???? And Why am I not ready to throw in the towel?? He has been telling me for over a YEAR he doesn't love me!! [/QB][/QUOTE]

Oh Yeah??? If he doesn't love you, why is he still hanging around or going on with his life? He couldn't love anybody else right now, he is too in love with his negative feelings. Don't be a door mat just 'act' happy, pleasant and unaffected by his gloom and doom'.

You'll win if you believe you can.

<small>[ December 16, 2003, 07:37 PM: Message edited by: Firebird ]</small>

Thanks Firebird, and yes, I do deserve a beating!

I will just try harder next time. It has just been so long, and I really would do anything. But I hardly ever see or talk to him, and if he is moving on with his life I want to know becuase I should try to move on with mine instead of pining after him for another year!

Ugggghhhhhh!!!

OK, I did plan B and plan A, and for the first time I feel like if my marriage were to end, I could honestly say I did everything in my power to save it.

When do I move on? I am trying not to be demanding, trying not to push, and yeah, I mess up .....but you know what, in the past 12 months I lost my home, my dog, my H, most of my friends, and I am still trying to hang in there.

When do I say forget it I am worth more than this??? I really do think that my H is making a mistake. Basically, the only thing he tells me is he isn;t sure. And he realizes he is risking everything, but it is worth it to him. The most posative thing he will say is he isn't sure.

But he told me to move on. He gave me his blessing to move, to date, whatever I want to do.