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#762445 12/18/03 09:44 PM
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My wife and I have been going through our lowest point in our relationship. We have been been married for 1 year, but we have lived and known each other for 8+ years. About 3 months ago, my Mom and wife had a confration over a gossip. I don't want to go into details since it's not important. During their confrontation, my Mom accidently reviewed her dislikes for my wife, which my wife had already felt throughout our relationship.

I was placed in the middle. On one hand my Mom wanted me to end this marriage. she didn't say it in so many words. On the other hand, my wife wanted me to choose either her or my family. She has not given me this atimatum yet. I don't want to choose. Recently, my Mom had cooled down and she had not brought up the subject any longer, but my wife's anger has gotten worse each day. Now, it's up to the point that we're thinking about a separation and possibly a divorce.

According to my wife, she's angry because I didn't stand up for her since she hasn't done anything wrong. And she felt that my Mom's dislikes for her and her family too much to bear. It's also stemmed from the fact, that she and her family have treated me so well with love and caring, but she couldn't get the same kind of treament from my side. She felt that she's been taken for granted. She's afraid that confrontations with my family will surface again in the future. And she can't deal with it when it happen again. My wife is a VERY sensitive and emotional woman.

We still sleep togother, however we don't communicate or wanting to talk to each other. I have been trying to reach to her, but she put up a wall so high that I can't get through. When ever we talked, she only epxressed
anger towards me and my Mom. She wanted me to seek for a solution. More or less, she wanted me to choose either her or my family.

To add to this complexity, I'm starting to doublt my trust for her. She's starting to use email and online chatting with her guy friends which she rarely do when we were ok. She's also created a new email acount and changed the passwords for both email accounts, which I used to know the password. I know she wouldn't physically cheat on me. But my fear is, she might develop feelings for them. I hate having this feeling of not trusting her. I don't want to hack into her emails, but my doubt is starting to push me to do it.

We haven't been eating and sleeping well. Her anger and withdrawn have affected our work. I really want to make her happy again, but I don't want to choose between my family or her. Sometimes, I feel that we should just end this marraige since her anger and frustation are affecting our health. what do you think?

Wife: 29
Me: 29
Been together: 8+ years
Married: 1 year
No Kid
Just bought a recently together

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CA,

Please nip this one in the bud while/if you still have a chance. Make it 100% clear to your wife that you are on her side in this dispute between her and your mom. It was absolutely wrong of your mom to express her dislikes of your wife. What an utterly inappropriate thing to do!! Your wife is looking for affirmation of this... give it to her!

Also, make sure your mom understands that such unsolicited comments in future are not welcome. If she absolutely must air opinions about your wife, she can do so to you. If your mom cannot respect your wife, then there will be no more family visits.

Mike

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CA Sleepless:

Your post disturbed me quite a bit - it very well could have been written by me.............I have been through this all too recently and I was the one who couldn't or wouldn't make up his mind. I flip-flopped my loyalties back and forth between my family and my wife of a year or so.

Each time there was a bad conflict, I would decide that the marriage was over, run to mom, etc and announce that I wanted a divorce, then come to my senses, and try to fix the damage - too many times that happened.......I was a double-minded, flip-flopping idiot.......

We are only now working things out because I was the one who had to change and make a choice.

I am telling you - choose your WIFE first at all cost - forget the Mom and rellies and siblings. Your wife has withdrawn from you and the reason she is talking to other people is staring you in the face every time you look in the mirror. You have to win her back - you HAVE to. Start by telling her that you are leaving family and cleaving to her and only her. She'll have emotions and issues to work out but be the man and get her back, and forget the others.

I urge you both to get SEPARATE individual counselling to fix what is wrong and try to fill the holes in your own lives such as needing parental (ie Mom's )approval even though you are a grown man ( I've been there, I know and I am a lot older than you), THEN get marriage counselling.......

This will be worth it, I promise.

OHIT

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Agree with mike_married on this one. I had problems with my Mother concerning my Wife years ago. I understood completly my mother's anger/resentment towards my wife, but through a difficult time, I decided to make my marriage work. Mom didn't like it and always had something to say. One day I had enough and told Mom she had a choice, that being a son married to his wife or no son at all. Quick wake up.

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OHIT has great idea. You can not fix the marriage if both partners are broken.

I liken counseling to auto repair - not the typical image for a woman to present but bear with me:

Your car is sick so you take it to the mechanic. The water pump and the catalytic converter aare both bad. The mechanic has only defective water pumps and catalytic converters on his shelves. He can not fix the car. But if the parts are rebuilt, they can be reinstalled and the car work well.

If your marriage is in need of work and you have two dysfunctional/hurting/ineffective people as partners, you can not fix the marriage. If you move the people toward emotional wellness, you have a much better opportunity to repair the marriage.

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I agree with these men. Do not let your marriage end over this! You are an adult, grown man. When you marry, you are to LEAVE your parents. You can still love you mom, care for your mom, etc. but she should not be telling you what to do in your marriage.

I could very well be your wife. My mother-in-law did not accept me from day one. She made life miserable for me, for my husband, and for her husband. She, like your mom, wanted my husband to divorce me (unknown to me until the separation when I read a letter she wrote. It was the most hateful thing I had ever read in my life). I knew from the beginning though that she did not accept/like me, and it was very hard. (My husband later told me that she never liked any of his girlfriends either!) You only get one set of in-laws and I admit that it was very disappointing to me to be a new bride, the happiest time of my life, and to realize I had a mother-in-law who did not like me.

It was doubly hard becuase my family accepted my husband and they were very good to us, happy for us, etc. (like your wife's parents) But I had moved from where I lived and lived miles from my family and lived near his.

It was hard for my husband, and needless to say, we are now divorced and that did contribute to it a great deal. It could have made such a difference if she had supported our marriage. I also believe that she manipulated my husband by saying things about me to cause him to think negatively of me, and I think your mother is doing that with you from what you have shared.

I can empathize with your wife feeling as if you are choosing your mom over your marriage. I also disagree that you are "placed in the middle." I believe that maybe you are scared to displease your mom or stand up for your wife and you are allowing yourself to be "in the middle" because you wavering between two women! You are married to your wife, not your mom!

A parent's job is to raise a child in the best, most healthiest manner so that they can then send that child into the world. They ought to let him/her make decisions, even if they don't agree or like them. A parent's job is NOT to control a son or daughter or to make their decisions or live their life.

I also doubt that your mom "accidently" reviewed her dislikes of your wife. Your mother should be supportive of your marriage, even if she doesn't like your wife. It's YOUR wife. It's YOUR life. It's YOUR marriage. Not your mother's.

You say you don't want to chose, but you need to. I would encourage you to chose your wife and if your mom is mad, she'll get over it someday. Don't let her harm your marriage any further. It is NOT worth it!!

Your wife's behavior is obviously not healthy for the marriage (talking about her anger) but it is understandable and I say this as a woman who's been there. I KNEW full well that I "should've" reached out to his mom, "should've" overlooked her attitudes, "should've" been mature about it and not upset. BUT I was hurt that my husband seemed to not stand up for me and instead of trying to understand how I felt, he was angry that I felt that way.

Anyways... I truly hope you will talk to your wife with compassion, empathy, understanding, and love.... as her husband who married her. She loves you and she is angry and hurt. She has reason to be. Your mother should not be interfering in your marriage.

<small>[ December 19, 2003, 12:47 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I could very well be your wife. My mother-in-law did not accept me from day one. She made life miserable for me, for my husband, and for her husband. She, like your mom, wanted my husband to divorce me. I knew from the beginning that she did not accept/like me, and it was very hard. You only get one set of in-laws and I admit that it was very disappointing to me to be a new bride, the happiest time of my life, and to realize I had a mother-in-law who did not like me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lovemyex: I could have written this word for word!

Speaking from your wife's POV Ca, I can say that your marriage will improve 100 percent, as ours did, when my H decided to make the commitment to "leave and cleave" and make me his first consideration and priority.

In fairness to you men, I realize now that your mothers and other family members often make it very difficult for you to choose us. THEY are the ones that set up the "either" "or" situation.

I echo what everyone is saying .... and btw .... my hubby is OHIT.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

DZZZ

<small>[ December 19, 2003, 12:57 AM: Message edited by: Diamonzzz ]</small>

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lovemyex: I could have written this word for word!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Really? Well, now knowing that your husband wrote that other post... that's awesome that he was able to see that. I wish my husband had. Actually, I think he did, but...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Speaking from your wife's POV Ca, I can say that your marriage will improve 100 percent, as ours did, when my H decided to make the commitment to "leave and cleave" and make me his first consideration and priority.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I tend to agree with this, because I know that with me, if I'd known that my husband was "for me" so much so that he was willing to bear the brunt of his mother's wrath (she could be a VERY unpleasant woman), it would have softened my anger/resentment alot. And I think that's good to hear from Diamonzz 'cause some people mentioned counseling which I don't think is a bad idea, but you might not even need it. The choice to put your wife first may be all that's needed to turn your marriage around!

There is an article on in-laws at a website called Focus on the Family. I'll see if I can find it real quick and post it.

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p.s. I do think your wife needs to forgive your mother and to do her best to love her, despite your mom's feelings for your wife. (And I feel that your mom needs to do the same). But, I think that it'll be easier for your wife to do that once she knows you fully support her and are committed to her, above anyone else, including your mom. That can give her alot of strength. Also, you don't have to be mean or rude to your mom, although maybe firm. Your marriage needs boundaries though and you need to protect your marriage from being harmed by any person who is not supportive or accepting of it.

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Update - thank for all the responses.
I just found out that she's having an emotional affair. She's been seen some guy. They have been exchanging emails and she went took a day off to go shopping with him.

I just sent her a goodbye email since she's actually working today. Telling her how wrong she was, and how sneaky her actions have been. I'm currently packing to leave this house we just bought. It's so hurtful when you love someone so much. But I can't live and look at her the same we.

I don't know where to go. I don't want to go to my Mom's since she's going to say - "see I'm all right along". It's so hard and hurtful...I'm sorry if i'm blabbbbling...

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CA, I am sorry. I know right now you are filled with all sorts of emotions. I can imagine you are devestated to say the least.


I hope you decide against going to your mom's. I think it will only aggrevate an already touchy situation.

Please keep posting.

DZZZ

<small>[ December 19, 2003, 01:59 PM: Message edited by: Diamonzzz ]</small>

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Thanks. I feel like sh** still. I feel so empty. I'm going to try to get a hotel/motel to stay for a week or two until I can get an apartment or something. I can't stand being in that house - so much memory.

By the way, she's been calling/emailing me, saying how wrong I am. That she has always love me and that she had placed a trap on me because of the lack of trust I have for her. I really don't want to talk to her. And I doubt that she's telling the truth. Either way since she lied to me yesterday already about going to work in which she didn't. If I'm wrong w/ this, I still would feel disgusted at myself for breaking in her email account. I think the damage has been too much. She wants to talk and possibly talking to the lawyer.

At the moment, I don't want to do or say anything. I'm just tired of life and digusted at my action and hers.
Thanks for the email. If I can't take it any longer, I will seek for your assistance. Thanks, Sleepless.

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Ok Sleepless. Please make note of the email, I am going to remove it.

Do you have someone that you and her can sit down with as a couple and discuss things?

DZZ

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CAsleepless:
<strong> I was placed in the middle. On one hand my Mom wanted me to end this marriage. she didn't say it in so many words. On the other hand, my wife wanted me to choose either her or my family. She has not given me this atimatum yet. I don't want to choose. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There was a quote that was popular when I was about your age - "Not to decide, is to decide." You were placed in the middle, but it was YOUR CHOICE to stay there.

You've spent three months acting like Mama's Boy, leaving your wife in doubt about your commitment to her. You didn't want her to give you an ultimatum, and she didn't. But she wasn't willing to live in limbo forever.

Granted, she chose an unacceptable method of dealing with your refusal to commit to her. But don't think you have the moral high ground, just because your Other Woman is your mother.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> just because your Other Woman is your mother. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You pegged it here. Exactly. You get a standing ovation!

DZZZ (one who knows)

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oops

<small>[ December 19, 2003, 08:52 PM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>


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