Okay, folks, I have two kind of funny things to talk to you about.

First, when this whole thing started, my exH was having his affair, and I knew "what to do" was to look up stuff about saving marriages and how to have a healthy relationship, etc. This gradually lead me into learning about abusive behavior.

THEN, as I learned more about abusive behavior, I knew "what to do". I learned about how to set boundaries, and how to increase my own self-esteem and self-worth, and stand up for myself. this gradually lead me into recognizing mental illness and addictions.

THEN, as I learned about mental illnesses and sexual addictions, I knew "what to do". To deal with a mental illness you go to counseling/therapy and take powerful drugs. To deal with an addiction you can go to a 12 step group or addiction groups (or whatever).

THEN, when my exH refused to deal with the marriage, the abuse, the mental illness, the addictions and just wanted to divorce, again I knew "what to do". I joined a divorce support group, and a group for abused women and started to get cool with the idea of being a free and single chick.

Well...here I am. What do I do now? I feel like there's nothing to do. Do I just pick a topic and learn about it or do something...or is there some other thing that just about to come up over the horizon that all you "long time divorced" folks know about? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> heehee. Do you know what I mean?? It's like there's nothing to work on!

*****

Topic #2 is kind of funny. I met my exH's new GF the other day, and I've got to tell you, she made me LAUGH. She is NOTHING like me!! She's tall and thin, mousy and quiet, and she has the world's BIGGEST crush on him and he feels "so so" about her. To be very honest, it made me a little sad to look at her because I couldn't help but think, "I wonder if I appeared mousy and quiet and subservient like that when I was with him? I wonder if I had the world's biggest crush on him and he never really loved me all that much?" It sure seems that way.

Anyway, she's perfect for him. She doesn't have a thought of her own; she gives him no lip whatsoever; and she's HAPPY for the privilege to cater to him hand and foot in exchange for his few crumbs of affection.

(Shaking head).

It's sad, isn't it???

So I'm inviting the veterans to come on in here and give me a clue as to what a single gal is supposed to do!


CJ

CJ,

Greetings old pal. I always find myself logging into the site right after Christmas. Old memories I guess.

Well I can answer your question having made it through divorce, the dating life (ughhh) and remarried life.

It seems like when we are going through the emotion of the affair, the divorce, the abuse, we do continually look for support, peace, knowledge and growth.

You're at a point now where you can slow down and take a break. Take time to learn a new skill, start a new hobby (mine is Scrapbooking). Set a goal for yourself and make it all your own.

It's easy to get caught up in our career, our kids and our ex's. It's not as easy to get out there and do something just for ourselves.

After my divorce, my lifesaver was college. I look back and wonder how I made it through and why I pushed myself so hard, but I had a goal and I was working on something for me.

Since I've graduated, I find myself wondering what do I do now too.

I'll tell you what though, from what I know, you haven't even begun to get into that dating thing yet so you have a whole new set of books to dig into.

Dating after divorce for me was complete chaos. I hadn't dated anyone in at least 10 years. Sometimes I felt like a teenager with butterflies in my stomach. But I also came across a good amount of guys who can spot a divorced woman a mile away and have no shame in using her.

Some of us start dating too soon (I did) and are vulnerable. Yet even if you wait til the time is right, it's a whole new experience and one you'll seek out some knowledge on.

I can't remember if it was Cinderella but someone was reading a good set of books something to do with Buddah and dating. They were funny, yet they made you think.

So even if you're not dating, maybe you could read some books on relationships after you're divorced. They'll teach you about healing before you date (I missed that step at first). They'll teach you about boundaries and set those boundaries before you really get serious with someone,whatever they may be like not bringing a guy around the kids if you haven't dated for 4 months or something , no guys sleeping over, deciding never to live with someone if you're not married. All sorts of things like that. I think it's good to set those boundaries for yourself BEFORE you meet anyone because it's too easy to get caught up in the emotions of a new relationship.

Remember the fog the ex was in during the affair? Well when you meet some "nice guy" you can get lost in the fog too. And then you don't make the right decisions for yourself.

SO let's see. After you master being single, accepting that it's ok to be single, learning to date, then you might even find a "Mr. Right". Then you'll have to research second marriages and blended families.

So my friend, in the meantime, pamper yourself, savor your single life (no guy throwing his dirty underwear 2 inches from the hamper!), set a goal for yourself this year, even if it's something as simple as taking a 3 hour cooking class. Make a list of all the things you wanted to do in your life that you never got around to because you were in a controlling relationship, and start doing them!!

I've recently got into scrapbooking and I had a hard time going through all the photos with exH in them, but I did it and I sent them all to him. Now I make new memories and pages of the kids and our new life. It gives me time to create something, accomplish something and forget about everything else.

There is an up-side to it too. Down the road if your ex gets re-married and they go after you for custody of the kids, your photos of your happy normal life will come in handy (been there too).

As for the ex's new chick, forget about her for now. As long as she is good to your kids that's all you really need to care about. So what if he's going to control her, or she's going to be his slave or any of that. They're probably both on their best behavior right now anyway. And he has a problem that isn't going away any time soon, so you know the life she is in for. Count your blessings!

I'm so proud of you!!

((((((((Hugs)))))))))
Dana B

PS Sorry for rambling, I'm overtired tonite!

((((((CJ)))))) ((((((Dana))))))

What to do about the girlfriend? Nothing. How to feel about the girlfriend? His choice. What to think about how you appeared at the time you were in her position? That was in the past. Accept that you were, at that time, who you WERE but also accept that you are NO LONGER that person. You are wiser, stronger, better. (Hopefully!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

When I think about who I was when dating/married to doofus, I realize that I was young and didn't know me. Don't know how well I know me now but I do know that his choices are his. And no reflection on me.

Considering how many affairs he had, I wonder how long this woman will last.

Dana, it's been 15 months since you got married? WOW, time flies!

<small>[ January 10, 2004, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: cinderella ]</small>

First, DANA!! Yay! Hey, girl, how are you? Isn't it amazing how fast four years can fly by? If you look at my profile (or whatever) you'll see that I signed up on SEPT.11TH!! OY, it must be fate.

Anyway, thanks to you and the lovely Princess for responding to my post. Honestly his new GF doesn't bother me other than to laugh and think, "MAN, she looks mousy!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Oh (insert fart noise here) she is PERFECT for him, and I say she can have him! HAHA!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

If he stays true to form (and by God, give the man one thing: he is consistent) they will be broken up in a few months because all he wants is the conquest. Or something. Whatever, it's too twisted to waste my mind or time on. I truly look at them both with pity: she has NO IDEA what she's getting involved with, and he has NO IDEA what a powerhouse I was in his life. But you know what?? *I DO!!!*

Now, onto the fun stuff. Yes, dear Dana, I like your idea about picking something I am interested in and learning it--whether it be a craft or a class or something else. In fact, I am currently on two little missions in my life:

1) I am taking courses to become a coach. My ultimate goal is to coach people who don't want them to get through a divorce with themself and their morals in tact. How many times have you heard an attorney say: "I'm not your therapist! I represent you LEGALLY and I don't want to chit chat with you!" Well, I would be the person willing to chit chat--not giving legal, financial advice...just explaining the steps and helping people figure out what they want to fight for and what is worth "letting go." Cerri coaches people how to save their marriages. I want to coach people how to survive intact when their partner WILL NOT save their marriage.

2) I am getting more physically fit. You know, it's funny, but for years I was so involved in my marriage and family that I did not have any energy left for keeping in shape. Now, that I'm more free and kind of wondering what to do, I've found I have lots of energy and have decided to use it to get in some shape. Now...I don't want to be Marilyn Monroe (haha) but decent shape for a 42yo mother of two works for me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I work out twice a week...walk the dogs 1 mile each day...and this spring I have signed up for co-ed softball with my D. She says she'll run rings around me, and I said, "OH YEAH???" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> We'll see about THAT! Of course, I am 42 and she is 14, so she may have a slight physical advantage, but it's my experience that age and treachery beat youth and energy every time.

Also, you guys will be tickled to know that part of my S-Anon group was an S-Anon Recovery Plan, which was VERY helpful to me in establishing some of those dating boundaries you were talking about Dana. I decided to just sleep with guys on the first date and let my kids get attached before there's a commitment. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> haha! Gottcha! Actually, one of my boundaries was that I wouldn't date until I was past a certain step, so it was cool because I've kept to that criteria and feel a lot better about myself because of it. If you remember, I did have ONE date (count 'em--ONE) a couple of months ago, and to be honest, I was proud of myself to giving it a try. Plus...it didn't go too badly: had a great time with a nice man--he just never called for a second date. I've seen him since then too (at the coffeeshop next door) and we're still friendly--it just wasn't right to date.

So...thanks for your replies guys. Anyone else want to chime in???


CJ

(((((((CJ))))))) ((((((((JE))))))))

CJ,

Cinderella gives you some good advice! And I'm glad to hear your goals. It's kind of scary but I thought about the same thing very soon after my divorce. I still think about it.

I have been dabbling a lot in the idea of returning to school again for Paralegal. Was thinking about helping BS females who can't afford their divorce , I could help write a lot of their legalwork and then less costs for their lawyer who would approve it at the end.

Now of course, this is just a thought, I'm not sure since I've been lurking about here the last week, some posts get me all flared up and that may mean I'm not ready to deal with too much of this on a daily basis. Mostly I am irritated when I hear the same old BS story over and over and how they all sound alike.

Anyway, those are 2 awesome goals for you!! Keep me updated! As for mouse chick, she'll get hers. I know it sounds harsh, but either she has NO idea what he put you through (probably not) but then again, not your problem, or he told her some stories and she thinks she's better than you in some way.

I have not come across ANY BS that has pleasantly completely accepted a new GF much less Spouse right off the bat.

In time, and if they last, you'll have to learn to deal with her, and hopefully she has better morals than WS, but in the meantime, don't waste your time worrying about her.

Hey, looks can be deceiving, maybe she'll give him what he's been giving out, you never know!

CJ ---

I'm gonna second the hobby idea. I can't think of anything better than just finding out who you are and doing something good for yourself.

Did you get your new place decorated??? You had such interesting plans for the old place, and I can imagine you in a wonderful new place!!!

So much to learn about yourself and so little time.. LOL

I'm so there - some days I just look in the mirror and wonder who that stranger is. My life has been so crazy. Then other days, I know who she is - so I just go back to bed and forget about getting up... LOL No, really it's fun learning to know yourself again - or for the first time.

Find something fun about every day - LAUGH a lot and enjoy life.

Blessings,

Jan

You also need to find friends and get out.
My support network is heading to Old Bay in New Brunswick NJ tonight. Can you make it?