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#763987 01/16/04 10:20 AM
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Well, it's getting close to laying it all down for my wife. My intentions of divorce, custody of the kids. Saw the lawyer, papers are ready to sign, I have carefully prepared a letter to her explaining everything. I plan to give it to her after the papers are signed.

Just last night when I was talking with her, I said it was the flintstones fault that we have such high expectations for our marriages. ( a little light humor cant hurt) I told her that dino and wilma met Fred at the door to greet him. Forget the brontasaurus steaks, It would just be nice to be greeted instead of *****ed at as soon as you enter your kingdom. She said that if that is what kind of thing I needed, I should find a new wife and mother for my kids. It was all prompted because my daughter,14, was told do this and that, instead of Hi honey. How was your day when she got off the bus yesterday. The wife decided it was something that she had heard me say and how she was only saying it because I did. Is it such a bad thing to be greeted by someone who is supposed to love you and was waiting for you to get home?

This has only clarified that I am doing the right thing. I had a good cry yesterday over it, went to work late, spent a few hours with her, you know, and we just enjoyed each others company. I knew it would be one if not the last time we would be close. Still I wish there was a magic wand for getting a substance abuser, Domestic abuser some help. But she refused help New years day and then I said ok. Enough. Time for action.

The letter I wrote sounds definitive, concise, and not written by someone who has been verbally been beaten down for 20 years. I am proud that I can have the positive outlook, hope for her future, and the strength to do what must be done, even though it hurts.

I will probably take the day off when the complaint is delivered. I dont want the kids home with her when she gets it. My guess is that she will start smashing things and take the kids and leave. This is for them, more than me, and they know that. It will be for nothing if she takes them away. Any input out there on precautions to take? The guns are already gone. Kids are worried about the steak knives after she threw one at me and it stuck in the wall a couple years ago.

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HH,

I just read your story and it looks like we are in the same boat (wife with undiagnosed bipolar or BPD). The New Year also brought me to a decision, but it's tough to take the next step, for all the reasons you describe.

I wish I had advice for you on how best to proceed. I, too, am looking for support in that area. Be strong and hang in there. This is not your fault buddy.

Mike

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I have a good circle of friends. None that the wife knows. All of hers are pot smoking buddies who are more into themselves than into supporting others. Mine are good reasonable people who have lent an ear on tough days. Actually my co-workers are so for it. One even said she was so happy for me to be taking action. Another said she was proud of me for standing up for myself.

It makes me feel better to have everyone saying good things, they all know the story, and cant believe I hung in for so many years.

I am just on the threshold of this so there will be more to come, but I have learned something very important that I would like to share with you.

Dont keep thinking you are to blame for her behavior.

Give her choices. It is her decision as to what action you will take.

Dont think that loving more, coddling more, being more attentive will make it better. It is only short rewards.

Dont think that gifts and "things" will make it better. It is only short rewards.

Dont think it isnt affecting your kids if you have any. They will come to hate her for her behaviors.

You are not alone Mike_married. You have answered a few of my posts and I am here for you too. You can be my friend too. Thank you. Think carefully if this is how you want to live the rest of your life. Do you get jealous of people in obviously good relationships? I do.

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I signed the papers and we are off..... Right now I am in an empowered mood, probably because she has made most of the decisions in our life for me, whether I liked them or not. Now I decided. I took action. I feel great. It was the right thing to do.

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HH,

I hope things go well for you. Did you move out, or are you expecting her to? Keep your kids safe.

You're in my prayers.

Mike

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I am still there and will remain there. I will be there to keep her from hurting anyone. The summons is asking her to leave. The lawyer expects her to flip out and then I call 911 to get a report filed. That file would be taken to the judge to ask to have her removed. When she finds that they want to stay with me she will probably go off and do something stupid to herself. Yes, she is that unstable.

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You know -- I admire you for your forthrightness. My WH left without leaving -- he had an affair instead of filing. You are laying it all out for her.

However, I would recommend you consider giving her an alternative if she chooses -- perhaps attend the Marriage Builders weekend at the end of the month? It's up to her.

Our 3rd MC was different from the other two in that he said don't stay with a bad marriage. Either it is fixed NOW, or get out.

Well, we are fixing it NOW. He broke my arm. He had an affair. I may have not met his needs but I tried -- all he wanted was "leave me alone" and I tried to accomodate his need for "downtime". Well, he wasn't exactly the best husband in the world. I put up with it because I thought it was my Christian duty to stay married no matter what.

Had he laid it out for me -- I'm not happy, I'm ending the M unless we do something different -- that would have been a wake-up call that would have allowed us to rebuild our M. I would have been only too happy to change things, but instead I just tried to accomodate him more and more and more.

Now I'm the one saying that's it, I've had enough, I won't be treated like this.

Your end could be a beginning, just like my saying I've had enough seems to be a beginning. It looks now like we are heading in the direction of repairing our M -- two MCs and $6,000 later, but at least we are starting...

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When I first met my wifes father, after being with her for so long and married her, had 2 kids, He said to me, you married the most stubborn woman I have ever known in my life. Yes, nice to meet you also. Well anyway, My oldest daughter sent her an email about a marriage conference a couple hours from home. My daughter attended it before she married. My wifes reply was " thats all based on the man being the head of the house crap, and you know I dont agree with that" She never gave it a chance. Pick and choose the points you like then move on. Nope. Just no. I cant be the person she wants me to be again. I think we had a great run, I learned alot, I cried alot. Just time to cut off the cancer and move on. I see it destroying my kids attitudes daily.

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Fix it NOW or end it NOW. That is appropriate. You've made your decision. The limbo of affairs is worse than a D.

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It still bothers me that she was unwilling to explore the possibility that she had some flaws, or changes that could be made to "fix" our life together. She made her decision, and I had no other choice. I shouldnt have refered to it as cancer though, I do still have very strong feelings for her. Thats why it hurts like it does.
You cant just turn off a 20 year relationship with someone.

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Hired Help --
There seems to be some similarity between where you are now and where I was six weeks ago.

Six weeks ago, I sat Tom down, told him that the MC has been telling me that "The concept of care doesn't make sense to him," told him that she was recommending separation at minimum, and said that I was ending MC. I was done. I didn't say I was filing, but he knew I had a lawyer and all the paperwork done.

He took action. He read His Needs/Her Needs. Last night, we went through the Recreational Companionship questionnaire. (I describe what happened in General Questions II.)

I had to get to the point of not being willing to continue in a bad marriage before things changed.

If you file, and your wife comes to you to ask what she can do, maybe you could suggest that Marriage Builders weekend?

But it's up to her what to do. I had to realize that. Subdf, in the post on what are BSs always bashing WSs, describes that the BS has to get to the point of realizing that it takes two to make a marriage, that the other person cannot be bullied into being a good spouse. It took an affair and twoyears of running to MCs to realzie that. The broken arm didn't even register as an emotional event.

Sorry to ramble on so much about me... I think that you are taking an important step in deciding not to continue in a bad marriage. Now the ball is in her court.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hired Help:
<strong> ...... I do still have very strong feelings for her. Thats why it hurts like it does.
You cant just turn off a 20 year relationship with someone. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hired-

I'm sorry you are going through this. I also understand the fear. I've filed and this stage of the Dv is nearly complete for me. It has been one of the more difficult divorce cases that I've heard of. I filed 20 months ago. Filing did not end the stress anxiety. It did not solve the parenting or financial issues we have.

You wrote of strong feelings. Did you try the MB Plan A? If so, what about Plan B? I wouldn't move on before trying those things. On the other hand, in the case of your wife's pot issues, you might need to move to Plan B quickly. I just sense you are tired of the whole situation and need some healing yourself. Dv may seem like the easy way out but it does leave one a little empty and does not provide much healing. I think there are alternatives to try first. Look for more information over on the JFO forum and maybe look for Cerri's SYMC web site for additional help.

Good luck. {{{{{hired help}}}}}

HoFS

<small>[ January 20, 2004, 08:22 AM: Message edited by: HofFenceSitter ]</small>

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First, My screen name reflects the way I have felt about my role in the relationship.

Second, There was no affair on either party's part.

Third, My kids are taking the brunt of it now since I refused to.

Fourth, I know that she will know that I am serious and give me the love speech. She doesnt know what a functioning marriage looks like. It is beyond her comprehension.

Fifth, I have spent 20 years in this position, always compromising, always taking responsibility for issues, always saying I am sorry to make things blow over.

Sixth, The magic carpet ride is over. I feel like she has used our life together as a rug she will pull out from under me at any time, destroying what I love and have.

Seventh, I like beer. She is on my but all the time if I drink more than three in one day, but she can smoke weed, and have vodka Ginger ale doubles and I have no say.

It is time for her to pay for her mistakes that she has brought on this family, the hurt, the anger, the feeling of uselessness. The underling feeling she gives us. The kids need relief, I need relief. She needs relief from the daily pressures of motherhood and being a wife. She is only getting worse, more volitale and more physically abusive as time goes on.

Just got a call, they are serving papers on her tomorrow, so I have prepared a letter from me to her explaining it all. As if it could soften the blow, yeah Right. Like I said, maybe a miracle will happen. Maybe she will have a breakthrough, Nah, you dont know my wife. Stone cold comes to mind.

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My H told me he felt like a slave. He felt like I ignored him. Yep... I felt blasted whenever I asked for anything. He needed his downtime, etc. He complained about the state of the house. I felt like the maid and the nanny. HE was no longer attracted to me because I'd gotten so fat. Yep, my AD of choice was food.

Well, you don't know what is behind your W's treatment of you.

The A was simply intolerable to me. The broken arm I could deal with. The A gave me the willingness to end our M. Sometimes that is what it takes for one spouse to end the bad M.

Stone cold... I don't know what to say about that. Twenty years of a bad marriage can kill anything. Look back to why you married her in the first place. It is possible she'll tell you she wants a change too.

Good for you that you would be willing to end the M and not sneak around trying to get your needs met by messing with someone else's wife. That is a complication but not the main problem.

<small>[ January 20, 2004, 03:32 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

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Last night I went home to have a talk with her and give her the letter I wrote to her. She was in a great mood, having just went and visited a friend with some weed. I wanted to talk to her so badly but couldnt bring myself to cause her to go ballistic. Why ruin the last night we will spend together, caring and holding. Today I left the letter for her so when she gets home from work she will find it. THey will be serving the papers on her shortly thereafter. Then the phone will start ringing, and I wish I was in kentucky. I will leave work early to be there when the kids get off the bus, maybe have a few words with her before they do. I dont want to be mean, angry or spiteful. I just want to move on without the constant complaint department sign on my head. I feel somewhat relieved, but a little scared as to what she might destroy when she realizes I am serious.

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Do you want to live the rest of your life like you have been living? No. At least you haven't told her is a way that is destructive in itself, like by having an affair.

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You know, I have felt so along the last few years, and I have met some wonderful, caring people like yourself. Everyone who knows my sitch has been behind me 100% and have even said not to compromise with her. She will only try to position herself better and then make the first move on me. Some of the things she has said have really broken my heart and spirit. Someone who loves you shouldnt do those things. My kids mean everything to me. I would sacrafice my life for them in an instant. My wife's agenda is just too large to deal with anymore. She called and had me on the phone for 30 minutes complaining about one of the kids. It's just constant. If she would talk with me, discuss the problem and come up with a solution, we could have fixed things. Instead, she creates this story, based on truth, and ad libs the rest. Maybe it wasnt as bad as she thought. But that is what she wants to believe and then draws her own conclusions.

And in answer to your question, NO, I dont want to spend the rest of my life like this. Every year I ask for peace and quiet, harmony and no one gives it to me. The kids learn by example. Good or bad. They are sounding like her to each other.

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You have the duty to end a bad marriage so that your children don't model your behavior and end up feeling like you do.

What happened today? I've been thinking about you.

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As far as my Wife is concerned, she worked on the marriage for years. The behavior that she displayed was in response to us not doing what she wanted. It is still my fault. She looked at an apartment. She said it was a dump. She wants me to keep everything and short me on child support. She wants me to get rid of the kid's horses, sell all of our things so we can live. She said to get rid of the outside dogs (2) and I told her, " who would want two old dogs?" she said you have bullets, figure it out. She makes double what I do. We just mortgaged the house and paid everything off. She wont let me sell the house, she wants it back if I dont want it. She wont pay me for half either. It's all or nothing. I proposed selling, paying the debt, and splitting and she wants it saved to leave to the kids when I die. So in three years, I will be bankrupt, loose the house unless I am willing to get rid of the kids animals, and our things we now have to make it through for 4 years. She is still trying to play the puppeteer. She wants to live in shangrila, while we live in a still unfinished mess till we lose it. One of the reasons I took action was because she wouldn't let me finish the house. Now she is making sure I dont have money to do that either.

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HH,
Why don't you pick up the kids today from school, juts to prevent her from going and getting them.

Bob

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